xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What's your impression if the person you think you could see yourself with told you honestly that they'd been hurt in the past and haven't been in a serious relationship since. And ever since, they've just been looking for " fwb" or just cool people to be with. Does that make them bitter? And is it a sure sign that they might probably never want to have another serious relationshp?
JohnP82 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Ha, that's actually me right now. I don't think I'm bitter...well maybe a little. But what happened between the ex that hurt me has no bearing on my current plan to enjoy the single life. I just don't feel like dealing with a girlfriend right now. I definitely would like to have a serious relationship but I'm just not looking for one in the near future.
EricaH329 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What's your impression if the person you think you could see yourself with told you honestly that they'd been hurt in the past and haven't been in a serious relationship since. And ever since, they've just been looking for " fwb" or just cool people to be with. Does that make them bitter? And is it a sure sign that they might probably never want to have another serious relationshp? I highly doubt they won't ever want a serious relationship ever again. Some people want to jump right into another relationship as soon as one ends, while others tend to take their time with dating again. It all depends on the person. But... I wouldn't become a fwb if you want it to turn into more than that. I'm sure you know this already though.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Ha, that's actually me right now. I don't think I'm bitter...well maybe a little. But what happened between the ex that hurt me has no bearing on my current plan to enjoy the single life. I just don't feel like dealing with a girlfriend right now. I definitely would like to have a serious relationship but I'm just not looking for one in the near future. Okay so if the person you're causually dating right now say they probably want a serious relationship, would that be the definite indicator for you to jump ship since you're not wanting to be serious right now?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I highly doubt they won't ever want a serious relationship ever again. Some people want to jump right into another relationship as soon as one ends, while others tend to take their time with dating again. It all depends on the person. But... I wouldn't become a fwb if you want it to turn into more than that. I'm sure you know this already though. I know that. But this person said it was a long time ago. And he said he was upset about it but he didn't cry. So I'm a little wary whether jumping into relationship would render it somewhat lopsided. They could probably say they like the person but they might not mean it, you understand?
EricaH329 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I know that. But this person said it was a long time ago. And he said he was upset about it but he didn't cry. So I'm a little wary whether jumping into relationship would render it somewhat lopsided. They could probably say they like the person but they might not mean it, you understand? I'm actually not too sure if I understand what you are saying. Why would a person say that they like someone, but not mean it? I know a couple of people who were once in a serious relationship, and got badly hurt and are not looking for anything. Even though it was a long time ago, they want to enjoy being single for awhile. If I were you, I wouldn't try to have any sort of relationship with him except for friendship. If he's telling you that he isn't ready, then believe it. If you really like this guy, i'd hang around for awhile, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. BTW - I know this fantastic guy that also got out of a pretty serious relationship awhile back, and he's still not ready for a relationship. What a shame. Makes you wonder what crazy girl decided to hurt them!
Boundary Problem Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What's your impression if the person you think you could see yourself with told you honestly that they'd been hurt in the past and haven't been in a serious relationship since. And ever since, they've just been looking for " fwb" or just cool people to be with. Does that make them bitter? And is it a sure sign that they might probably never want to have another serious relationshp? If he is a 'player' and he is playing-mode, then you don't stand a chance of having a serious relationship with him. He's not bitter, sounds like he just wants to play in the sandbox to pass the time. Not all emotionally unavailable men want to be 'saved'. They like their life just the way it is and they don't want the demands/drama of a relationship. In the old days they were called "confirmed bachelors".
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I'm actually not too sure if I understand what you are saying. Why would a person say that they like someone, but not mean it? I know a couple of people who were once in a serious relationship, and got badly hurt and are not looking for anything. Even though it was a long time ago, they want to enjoy being single for awhile. If I were you, I wouldn't try to have any sort of relationship with him except for friendship. If he's telling you that he isn't ready, then believe it. If you really like this guy, i'd hang around for awhile, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. BTW - I know this fantastic guy that also got out of a pretty serious relationship awhile back, and he's still not ready for a relationship. What a shame. Makes you wonder what crazy girl decided to hurt them! The thing is, I rarely act on my emotions, and most of the time it's always the other person that likes me more than I do them. The only reason I have a good feeling about this guy is that that I can see us together ( which is actually very rare of me to do) but I'm skeptical if I jumped out and said " hey how about we start seeing dating exclusively" and I might get a rejection in return. That's why I asked. I'm not certain whether I would want to risk following my feelings and have nothing come to fruition in the long run. Yes, right now, I'm friends with him and I probably won't act on anything anytime soon, but if I do find myself liking him way more than he does me, do you think a friendship would even be wise? Normally I advocate against relationship between friends and if I follow my own advice, I probably wouldn't want to go " pretending" to be his friend. I would just rather break things off.
EricaH329 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Since you like him with the intensity that you do, I wouldn't recommend remaining friends with him. Chances are, your feelings will probably only get stronger. However, if you do decide to break off the friendship with him, I would go ahead and tell him how you feel. You really would have nothing to lose. I'm sorry you are going through this by the way. It really sucks when you like someone more than they like you. It's a terrible feeling, I know.
JohnP82 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Okay so if the person you're causually dating right now say they probably want a serious relationship, would that be the definite indicator for you to jump ship since you're not wanting to be serious right now? Sorry I fell asleep. If I knew a girl was falling hard for me that I was casually dating I would bow out. I wouldn't want to hurt her and I would have been honest with my intentions from the beginning. Take solace in the fact that he has been honest with you and hasn't led you on. As for hanging around in the hopes that he changes his mind. When someone says they don't want to get serious, only like you as a friend, etc. believe them or you could get hurt.
Boundary Problem Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I wouldn't want to hurt her and I would have been honest with my intentions from the beginning. Take solace in the fact that he has been honest with you and hasn't led you on. As for hanging around in the hopes that he changes his mind. When someone says they don't want to get serious, only like you as a friend, etc. believe them or you could get hurt. I should have added this to my original answer for clarity, but the player(s) I know are scrupulously honest. Take what they say about the possibility of a serious relationship at face value. They may flirt and have lots of fun with you, but they don't fool around with whether or not there is going to be an exclusive relationship. They don't need the hassle of crazy women stalking them, since quite frankly their blackberries are busy enough as it is. There is something very seductive about a man that doesn't want to be saved. So enjoy the seduction if you want - but if you fall in love, it will be something that he won't want to hear about in his present state of mind. And he won't want emails/phone calls/dropping by from you. It would all be on his terms, - and basically FWB. And in his present state of mind he will keep seeing other women - why? - because that is what he told you he was going to do. That is not to say he wouldn't care about you. It is just that his attention is on other things right now, school, work, women. They are scrupulously honest, is my experience.
Pink Cupcakes Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 It's code for I'm just not that Into You. When he finds a woman he is into, he won't want her for just an FWB.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Sorry I fell asleep. If I knew a girl was falling hard for me that I was casually dating I would bow out. I wouldn't want to hurt her and I would have been honest with my intentions from the beginning. Take solace in the fact that he has been honest with you and hasn't led you on. As for hanging around in the hopes that he changes his mind. When someone says they don't want to get serious, only like you as a friend, etc. believe them or you could get hurt. I'm not hanging onto anything. I'm well aware that if someone tells me they're not looking for more, then I believe them. To clarify, the question about his past came up because I asked. Simply that. He's brutally honest and I'll give him credit that as a friend, he's very reliable.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Since you like him with the intensity that you do, I wouldn't recommend remaining friends with him. Chances are, your feelings will probably only get stronger. However, if you do decide to break off the friendship with him, I would go ahead and tell him how you feel. You really would have nothing to lose. I'm sorry you are going through this by the way. It really sucks when you like someone more than they like you. It's a terrible feeling, I know. Erica, it's not that I like him with an intensity, but simply that he's the first guy in a long time that I actually have considered being in a serious relationship with. But you are right on one thing, if my feelings do get stronger I might put myself in a position to get hurt. That is also why I'm always cautious to act rationally first over letting emotions take over.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I should have added this to my original answer for clarity, but the player(s) I know are scrupulously honest. Take what they say about the possibility of a serious relationship at face value. They may flirt and have lots of fun with you, but they don't fool around with whether or not there is going to be an exclusive relationship. They don't need the hassle of crazy women stalking them, since quite frankly their blackberries are busy enough as it is. There is something very seductive about a man that doesn't want to be saved. So enjoy the seduction if you want - but if you fall in love, it will be something that he won't want to hear about in his present state of mind. And he won't want emails/phone calls/dropping by from you. It would all be on his terms, - and basically FWB. And in his present state of mind he will keep seeing other women - why? - because that is what he told you he was going to do. That is not to say he wouldn't care about you. It is just that his attention is on other things right now, school, work, women. They are scrupulously honest, is my experience. B_P, thanks for your response. I too, am aware of how players are. I was also in a FWB situation this past summer, so I can understand the position of wanting to have fun without the drama. Right now, I'm not looking for a FWB, and as for a serious relationship, I want to emphasize on the main point that I will only pursue if the right person comes along. That said, I had thought my friend was what you would call a good candidate, but after having asked him about his past, I am now very clear that maybe pursuing anything with him would not be wise.
Boundary Problem Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Right now, I'm not looking for a FWB. I had thought my friend was what you would call a good candidate, but after having asked him about his past, I am now very clear that maybe pursuing anything with him would not be wise. OK so you have decided that you don't want FWB. He only wants FWB. Isn't your friendship with him over? If I was fascinated with a man, I couldn't be platonic friends with him. Won't he be a HUGE distraction when you try to date other men? At least it would be for me. I would have no choice but to cut contact.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 OK so you have decided that you don't want FWB. He only wants FWB. Isn't your friendship with him over? If I was fascinated with a man, I couldn't be platonic friends with him. Won't he be a HUGE distraction when you try to date other men? At least it would be for me. I would have no choice but to cut contact. I don't want FWB, he wants FWB. But we're not dating. We're not together. And we don't really see each other all that much anyways. I think I would say I would break our friendship off if I was seeing him all the time, but we're not.
EricaH329 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Erica, it's not that I like him with an intensity, but simply that he's the first guy in a long time that I actually have considered being in a serious relationship with. But you are right on one thing, if my feelings do get stronger I might put myself in a position to get hurt. That is also why I'm always cautious to act rationally first over letting emotions take over. So you don't like him with an intensity, but he's the first guy that you've actually considered having a serious relationship with? Isn't that a little contradictory? Either way, i'd like to know how you feel about this? Do you feel as though you could honestly remain friends with him knowing that he isn't going to want more than that?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 So you don't like him with an intensity, but he's the first guy that you've actually considered having a serious relationship with? Isn't that a little contradictory? Either way, i'd like to know how you feel about this? Do you feel as though you could honestly remain friends with him knowing that he isn't going to want more than that? I suppose it is a contradiction, but seeing that I haven't been in a " serious" relationship since my last 2 years ago, I guess I really can't differentiate between actually wanting to be serious or just remain single and have fun. I don't really feel anything. After coming to a realization that a relationship is not possible, I'm not really thinking anything that will surpass a normal friendship. Like I've said, I don't see him much, and after all this realization, he's basically out of sight out of mind. In all honesty, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.
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