aerogurl87 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) Ok so I love my boyfriend and I could really see myself being with him for awhile aside from one little thing. He barely shows any emotion and it's starting to get to me. It didn't start out this way as he used to text me all the time saying he was thinking of me, send me sweet little messages throughout the day, cuddle up with me all the time, and then something happened. I don't know what it was, but it all just stopped. Now he only calls me once a day, and I get a text every once in awhile, but nothing majorly sweet, and it's bugging the hell out of me. Everytime I ask him how does he feel about being with me he says he's happy, but I can't tell. So today I finally told him how I felt, telling him that he was hard to read and that I could barely tell how he felt about me and all he had to say was "I just hardly show any emotion". Now I don't know if this is his reaction to the fact that he's growing closer to me and is afraid of getting hurt again or if he's just losing interest. Tomorrow we're going out to dinner and going to a movie, so once again I'm going to confront him about it in person because like I said this is really bothering me. In the meantime, any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle the situation. Edited November 7, 2009 by aerogurl87
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) all he had to say was that he hardly shows any emotion.Is that acceptable to you? My stbx said that to me, literally that 'I can't give you that' so we're getting divorced. My simple response, if faced with your situation today, would be to simply say 'I need more than that from a relationship' and move on. You have more time left on your clock, so your response may necessarily differ. The clear imperative, IMO, is to cease seeing men as creatures who have to be 'convinced' to be emotionally intimate. We know how, and are with the right person; also, sometimes, with the wrong person. Regardless, the ability is there and doesn't need to be coaxed if the man is healthy. Edited November 7, 2009 by carhill
hannie_1988 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 It sounds a bit like me and this guy I liked for several months. When he said "I hardly have any emotions", which means he doesn't feel the same way about you or maybe he's confused about so many things. Or it probably could means he doesn't really care anymore. When he stopped texting and calling you heaps, it's another way of showing that he's no longer interested or maybe he thinks you're not making enough effort. You have to talk to him really, find out where he's standing and what's going on. If he's a good guy, he will be honest with you. If he's not being open minded with you then you have to decide what's the best for you.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Is that acceptable to you? My stbx said that to me, literally that 'I can't give you that' so we're getting divorced. My simple response, if faced with your situation today, would be to simply say 'I need more than that from a relationship' and move on. You have more time left on your clock, so your response may necessarily differ. The clear imperative, IMO, is to cease seeing men as creatures who have to be 'convinced' to be emotionally intimate. We know how, and are with the right person; also, sometimes, with the wrong person. Regardless, the ability is there and doesn't need to be coaxed if the man is healthy. No, it's not acceptable to me because I'm full of emotion. And so was he at first, but then I dunno, something changed. I'm going to try to talk to him about it and see why he feels like he has to be void of emotion first, if I find he can't open himself up period (although I know it's possible because he opened up some before) then I'll unfortunately just have to let him go I guess.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 The clear imperative, IMO, is to cease seeing men as creatures who have to be 'convinced' to be emotionally intimate. We know how, and are with the right person; also, sometimes, with the wrong person. Regardless, the ability is there and doesn't need to be coaxed if the man is healthy. BIG key, right there. A man should not have to be convinced to show feeling - they do have them. Spending 5 years in relationship with a man that acted like he didn't have emotions seriously made me wonder if men had feelings. Which has caused some oopses on my part since getting out of that relationship in relating to healthier men. I totally agree with Carhill - if your BF can't deliver what you deserve in a healthy relationship, then it might be time to consider your options. I think this is a pretty big issue.
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Tomorrow we're going out to dinner and going to a movie, so once again I'm going to confront him about it in person because like I said this is really bothering me. I loath that word - confront. It's great that you're not shy in expressing yourself. I suggest that you tell him how his actions make you feel and what you would like to see. Then sit back and see if he's listened. If he hasn't or likewise, if he takes continual prompting by you for him to meet your needs, then depending on how important this is to you, you may have to move on. Now I don't know if this is his reaction to the fact that he's growing closer to me and is afraid of getting hurt again or if he's just losing interest.His actions don't matter as much as your needs. We're all responsible for our own happiness in this world, henceforth, its imperative that we find a like-minded soul. This man maybe perfect for another person, but arguably, he doesn't appear right for you. .
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 OP, having no direct knowledge of your specific situation, I can offer one scenario, based on personal experience. When I sense a woman being emotionally distant, especially over a period of time, it triggers a reaction in me. I start to disconnect myself from her. The key failure for myself, in my marriage, was not communicating this in language acceptable to my wife (now stbx). I was telling her what I needed, specifically, but those requests were not apparently conveyed in language which she could process at the emotional level. After a period of trying, about two years, prior to MC, I finally started to disconnect. I'm not saying that you're doing anything specific here, but be watchful for that communication thing. Another potential is the propensity to 'think' a relationship rather than feel it. It occurs to me that his initial openness could be indicative of this potential. Experience has taught him that women respond to such openness and he 'thought' that part of the relationship during the early phase of bonding, where the combination of the 'connection' and sex would bond you to him. Sounds simplistic, but worthy of consideration. Once bonding was established, he slowly morphed back into his natural state. I have an instinct about where this is going to go, and I'll caution you against fishing expeditions, of trying to find out 'why' with the intent to 'help' him. If you want to find out why, make it for the reason of acceptance, as in accepting him for who he is, then deciding if that person is compatible with yourself and how that compatibility balances the love you have for him.
boogieboy Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I have another angle here..... I did this to my ex when I got comfortable. My ex wanted me to send her pictures all the time, I used to send her sweet text messages, but I really didnt like doing it. So he probably sent you the sweet text messages or whatever to keep you happy, then once he felt he got comfortable he felt he could go back to normal. So its not that he doesnt have feelings for you, he might just want to lay off because hes not really into the sweet messages thing....
DanielMadr Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Ok so I love my boyfriend and I could really see myself being with him for awhile aside from one little thing. He barely shows any emotion and it's starting to get to me. It didn't start out this way as he used to text me all the time saying he was thinking of me, send me sweet little messages throughout the day, cuddle up with me all the time, and then something happened. I don't know what it was, but it all just stopped. Now he only calls me once a day, and I get a text every once in awhile, but nothing majorly sweet, and it's bugging the hell out of me. Everytime I ask him how does he feel about being with me he says he's happy, but I can't tell. So today I finally told him how I felt, telling him that he was hard to read and that I could barely tell how he felt about me and all he had to say was "I just hardly show any emotion". Now I don't know if this is his reaction to the fact that he's growing closer to me and is afraid of getting hurt again or if he's just losing interest. Tomorrow we're going out to dinner and going to a movie, so once again I'm going to confront him about it in person because like I said this is really bothering me. In the meantime, any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle the situation. Probably thanks to tough childhood and some genes I have emotional output of a piece of rock (I was told that - and its probably truth). The difference between your guy and me...I wouldnt write you love sms 4 times a day in start of a relationship. It shows me he is very inconsistent and emotionally unstable. Or he just saw you doing something gross. Did you put his thingy in your mouth?
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Thanks everyone for your advice. I have another angle here..... I did this to my ex when I got comfortable. My ex wanted me to send her pictures all the time, I used to send her sweet text messages, but I really didnt like doing it. So he probably sent you the sweet text messages or whatever to keep you happy, then once he felt he got comfortable he felt he could go back to normal. So its not that he doesnt have feelings for you, he might just want to lay off because hes not really into the sweet messages thing.... I think that what you described is what happened. For instance he used to call constantly and now he only calls like once a day. So today while we were on the phone he mentioned that he really doesn't like talking on the phone, so I'm guessing that's why the phone calls slowed down alot. And I've been thinking alot about everything, despite the fact that he doesn't send me lovey dovey messages anymore or do anything super sweet, I know he cares about me because he shows it in other ways. I also find that I don't feel insecure about our relationship at all when I'm with him because it's something in the way he kisses me and the way he holds me that I can tell he still wants to be with me, so now I guess I need to just decide if I can live without all the mushy stuff and just be happy with who he is. I'm going to talk to him about it when we go out tonight, so I'll come back and update later. And once again, thanks everyone.
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 For instance he used to call constantly and now he only calls like once a day. So today while we were on the phone he mentioned that he really doesn't like talking on the phone, so I'm guessing that's why the phone calls slowed down alot. This can be seen as putting one's best foot forward, but not their true foot forward, doing what is necessary to lure the prey, then reverting to type. It's a common behavior. .
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You just had sex, didn't you? You're going to ask yourself a question. Can you be satisfied with the emotional intimacy he conveys through sex, as you yourself have stated already that 'he barely shows any emotion' in a manner which is meaningful to you? Expect that he will not change. Walk his path for awhile and see how it goes. Best wishes
Boundary Problem Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 just decide if I can live without all the mushy stuff and just be happy with who he is. I think there are compromises that can be made. ie phone calls but keep it to 5 or 10 mins. Women have a tendency to make it 45 mins+ But if he strips away all the mushy stuff in the relationship and keeps it strictly to sex then I think you might fall out of love with him. It isn't just about sex. It is about sharing your life together and intimacy. I wouldn't give up all the mushy stuff. I don't know what the right compromise is. Somewhere in the middle. Maybe significantly less mushy stuff if he really hates it. Sex starts in our heads. Not when he decides the movie you are watching on the couch is boring. I don't think he is compromising at all. Why is that? They always say that the person who cares the least has the most power in the relationship.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Ok so I asked him about the whole "no emotion" thing today while out at dinner and once again he said "he's just never shown emotion that much and that that just isn't him". Well can't change a guy, so I decided to see how the night played out before making any decisions regarding what I was or wasn't going to do. And once again, I had an awesome time. He kept me laughing all night, we had some great sex, and then we cuddled and played around some. So I'm just going to stick around because as I said before, for some reason when we're together I feel completely cared for and despite the fact he doesn't say mushy things to me and all that jazz, there's something in his voice, his kisses, his hugs, the way he randomly grabs my hand and squeezes it gently, that let's me know that he cares. So I'm seeing that maybe he does show emotion, but he doesn't actually verbalize it and I think I may actually be able to live with that if he keeps up the level of nonverbal communication he's pretty good at conveying.
carhill Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Honeymoon period. Enjoy it. I hope, if you or he is so unlucky as to experience a life-altering event with great emotional import, he doesn't bolt. Hope springs eternal. That was my marital mantra.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Honeymoon period. Enjoy it. I hope, if you or he is so unlucky as to experience a life-altering event with great emotional import, he doesn't bolt. Hope springs eternal. That was my marital mantra. Thanks carhill. I don't think he'd bolt since he's been around when I've went through some tough times before (we were friends before dating) and he helped me out. Granted, he's like a voice of reason when I'm emotional and therefore all over the place mentally, so he helps me to step back and look at the big picture which I sometimes need.
A O Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Ok so I asked him about the whole "no emotion" thing today while out at dinner and once again he said "he's just never shown emotion that much and that that just isn't him". Yeah, your problem doesn't seem to have been solved as much as masked for now. .
DanielMadr Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Ok so I asked him about the whole "no emotion" thing today while out at dinner and once again he said "he's just never shown emotion that much and that that just isn't him". Well can't change a guy, so I decided to see how the night played out before making any decisions regarding what I was or wasn't going to do. And once again, I had an awesome time. He kept me laughing all night, we had some great sex, and then we cuddled and played around some. So I'm just going to stick around because as I said before, for some reason when we're together I feel completely cared for and despite the fact he doesn't say mushy things to me and all that jazz, there's something in his voice, his kisses, his hugs, the way he randomly grabs my hand and squeezes it gently, that let's me know that he cares. So I'm seeing that maybe he does show emotion, but he doesn't actually verbalize it and I think I may actually be able to live with that if he keeps up the level of nonverbal communication he's pretty good at conveying. So there is a hope for me. Actions speak louder then words. And boinking even louder I apologize to him for thinking he was emotionally unstable. He is not now, thats for sure when he doesnt feed you some BS just to save his azz.
jw90063 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 How many threads have you started about your BF. I'm sensing you are having a hard time believing he cares about you. Aren't you the one who was concerned why he was putting off having sex with you? If I'm not mistaken, I saw another thread following that, now this one. Well, in my experience, a guy who says they have show no emotion, is not someone I want to date. The one guy who told me they don't show emotion, turned out to be a real jerk, but I'm sure that is not the case with your BF. It's true that some men only know how to express emotion physically, and not verbally, but its whether or not you can deal with that. I know its normal in a way for a guy to be less emotional than a girl, but I think its a red flag, if he can't show much emotion at all.
CLC2008 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I don't think you will see a relationship where two people are mushy to each other every single second of the day, that' just not realistic. I'm a female and I don't show much emotion on the surface, underneath is a different story. I am highly emotional and cry over things most people wouldn't, it's just the way I am wired. Everyone expresses themselves differently, some people through words, others through action. But I am sure it can be discouraging if someone can't say a few simple words when their together sharing special moments and what not, because sometimes it's nice to hear the words.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 How many threads have you started about your BF. I'm sensing you are having a hard time believing he cares about you. Aren't you the one who was concerned why he was putting off having sex with you? If I'm not mistaken, I saw another thread following that, now this one. Well, in my experience, a guy who says they have show no emotion, is not someone I want to date. The one guy who told me they don't show emotion, turned out to be a real jerk, but I'm sure that is not the case with your BF. It's true that some men only know how to express emotion physically, and not verbally, but its whether or not you can deal with that. I know its normal in a way for a guy to be less emotional than a girl, but I think its a red flag, if he can't show much emotion at all. Haha yeah I started a thread about not having sex in 2 weeks but he had the flu and as everyone else seemed to point out to me that was to be expected since it makes you feel like crap (never had the flu in my life so I wouldn't know). The other thread said the exact same thing and I kind of posted it twice on mistake. Anyway, as I stated previously, I only feel unsure about whether or not he's happy with me when we aren't together. When we're together, I'm always sure he's happy because of how he acts around me. But my best friend pointed out something interesting to me today. All my exes were crazy over me and would do anything for me at the drop of a hat. All I had to do was ask and it was done, no questions asked and I'm starting to wonder if that was actually healthy since it may have skewed my view of relationships a little bit. I'm used to guys who throw themselves at me and who are a bit of a doormat (hate to use that term) but my exes were like that. So maybe that's also a part of the problem.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 I don't think you will see a relationship where two people are mushy to each other every single second of the day, that' just not realistic. I'm a female and I don't show much emotion on the surface, underneath is a different story. I am highly emotional and cry over things most people wouldn't, it's just the way I am wired. Everyone expresses themselves differently, some people through words, others through action. But I am sure it can be discouraging if someone can't say a few simple words when their together sharing special moments and what not, because sometimes it's nice to hear the words. Actually my ex was mushy to me all the time, everyday until the end of our relationship so maybe I'm still readjusting to coming back to reality, lol. He was also a bit of a doormat, so yeah... anyway I think you may be right about people expressing themselves different. For me, I like to hear that he's thinking of me from time to time but he figures I already know that. I think I need to be a bit more upfront with him on how I feel and just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush as I've been doing lately.
CLC2008 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Actually my ex was mushy to me all the time, everyday until the end of our relationship so maybe I'm still readjusting to coming back to reality, lol. He was also a bit of a doormat, so yeah... anyway I think you may be right about people expressing themselves different. For me, I like to hear that he's thinking of me from time to time but he figures I already know that. I think I need to be a bit more upfront with him on how I feel and just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush as I've been doing lately. Well my first thought on that, coming from my own personal experience, is try to avoid comparing your bf, to your ex. They are two different people, two different personalities. Hearing your bf tell you from time to time that he's thinking of you, is a basic need for you. So, yes, you do need to express that this is a need for you, and then give him the opportunity to reciprocate. I think what we all tend to forget in relationships at times (and not just romantic relationships, all interpersonal relationships), is that everyone thinks differently and communicates differently. Sometimes you have to verbalize your own needs, in order for the other person to understand and respond.
jw90063 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Haha yeah I started a thread about not having sex in 2 weeks but he had the flu and as everyone else seemed to point out to me that was to be expected since it makes you feel like crap (never had the flu in my life so I wouldn't know). The other thread said the exact same thing and I kind of posted it twice on mistake. Anyway, as I stated previously, I only feel unsure about whether or not he's happy with me when we aren't together. When we're together, I'm always sure he's happy because of how he acts around me. But my best friend pointed out something interesting to me today. All my exes were crazy over me and would do anything for me at the drop of a hat. All I had to do was ask and it was done, no questions asked and I'm starting to wonder if that was actually healthy since it may have skewed my view of relationships a little bit. I'm used to guys who throw themselves at me and who are a bit of a doormat (hate to use that term) but my exes were like that. So maybe that's also a part of the problem. Well, actually yeah, you did post two of the same threads by mistake. I also saw one regarding your BF and getting married. I think he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married. Thirdly, your questioning him showing no emotion. If I was wondering about all those things, I think it would be because I doubt his feelings for me. Hopefully that's not it in your case.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Well my first thought on that, coming from my own personal experience, is try to avoid comparing your bf, to your ex. They are two different people, two different personalities. Yes guilty as charged. I do that from time to time and I need to stop. Hearing your bf tell you from time to time that he's thinking of you, is a basic need for you. So, yes, you do need to express that this is a need for you, and then give him the opportunity to reciprocate. My best friend told me the same thing. She said "he can't read your mind", so I'm going to express this to him in a more blunt way since usually I like to give people hints and hope they understand what I mean. But I'm finding my "hints" are too vague usually, so yeah... thanks. Well, actually yeah, you did post two of the same threads by mistake. I also saw one regarding your BF and getting married. I think he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married. Thirdly, your questioning him showing no emotion. If I was wondering about all those things, I think it would be because I doubt his feelings for me. Hopefully that's not it in your case. Well the first two things you mentioned don't bother me really. But him not verbalizing his emotions makes me sometimes wonder where his head at. He's not an easy person to read unless I'm there in person with him. Then based on his body language and actions I can read him like a book. But we did talk this morning before I went to work for about an hour so we're making some headway. That within itself made my day.
Recommended Posts