rickigal Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 A simple "How are you?" after 30 days of NC. I wanted to respond so badly but I just kept thinking if you do, and you have a conversation back and forth you will be right back to where you were. I called my mom instead...I am so proud of myself! Who does he think he is? He doesn't get to be part of my life anymore, he made that decision.
name witheld Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Do you want a second chance? if so why ignore? There's no need to keep it going back and forth. Just keep it short and you will find out if they are really interested or not. Make an excuse to stop the conversation if you have to. If you don't want a second chance then you are on the right track.
Author rickigal Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 That is not what I wanted to hear. What if he just is curious how I am, we were best friends and never fought. He broke up with me because I don't want anymore children and because of my financial situation. If he really wants me back, wouldn't he email me or call me or send me flowers?
NopeNah Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Do you want a second chance? if so why ignore? There's no need to keep it going back and forth. Just keep it short and you will find out if they are really interested or not. Make an excuse to stop the conversation if you have to. If you don't want a second chance then you are on the right track. A text like that does not show interest from him in wanting to get back together. She made the right choice by not responding, as it is only mindless drivel from him to see if she'll respond. Nice job on not responding!
LostInLA Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Good job not responding! If he was interested, he would have made it more clear. He doesn't deserve to know about you now. Good work!
name witheld Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 If I was in his shoes and wanted to patch up then that would probably be my opening move. He might just be testing the water to see if there is still a chance with you. Can't really comment on the flowers as it depends on your situation. I wouldn't send flowers after 30 days of NC. Maybe an email though, but texts tend to bring a quicker response. ok so might also be breadcrumbs. either way you take a risk. All I'm saying is have a look to see which one it is, if nothing then it will be clear and you can walk away. Thats just me though i would want to know. Whatever you do, be strong.
Author rickigal Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 What about if I don't respond for a few days...will that be better? Make him sweat it out a bit? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me one time he will prob break up with me again. Maybe he is just lonely. I am so confused now and I was doing so good!!!
name witheld Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Maybe thats true. Its truly up to you what you do. Might seem a bit weird if you wait a day or so to text ( he might suspect gameplay). Of course you could explain you wanted to take time to reply, I think that would be ok. The way i see it no harm in being polite if they contact you first. Just as long as you don't get sucked in if it leadds nowhere. If you think you will get sucked in then maybe best to leave it alone for a while. If he loves you then its likely he will try again. Whatever you do will take guts to see it through.
NopeNah Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 What about if I don't respond for a few days...will that be better? Make him sweat it out a bit? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me one time he will prob break up with me again. Maybe he is just lonely. I am so confused now and I was doing so good!!! IF you're going to respond wait a few days and decide if thats whats best for you. I was back and fourth with my ex 3 times over the summer. It was always because she was lonely and comfortable with me. What a waist of my time that was. Once they leave it's never the same IMO. the trust is gone and you're walking on egg shells trying not to let it happen again. That's NO way to live!
Confused728 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 mine sent me one to the other day exactly 30 days after, though he text me 3 other times within that period i didnt answer he simply said "good morning, hope all is well with you" i didnt answer and now am glad i didnt. what do you think his intent was?
EricaH329 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I would highly recommend that you do not respond!! There are a couple of reasons for this. If you do, and it's just mindless banter back and forth between the two of you, you will (and I stress will) go right back to square one. Seriously. You are already confused, how do you think it'll feel to have a conversation with him again to see that all he wants to do is just talk?? Not a good move. Say he does want to be back with you again. Just hypothetically speaking. If the two of you were best friends, my first thought would be that he would send a text saying "I miss you" or "I love you" or "I'm sorry". Not "How are you doing". Either way, if you do not respond, you'll get the answer you need. If he really wants to try and make things work, he will do a little more than send a meaningless text. He will fight for it. I cannot stress to you how much I think that responding is the absolute wrong thing to do. Just think about it. Imagine yourself back where you were 30 days ago. You do not want that pain all over again. I promise you, it'll hurt just as much, if not more.
EricaH329 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Once they leave it's never the same IMO. the trust is gone and you're walking on egg shells trying not to let it happen again. That's NO way to live! I cannot agree with this more. Once you've been hurt deeply by someone, it's just not the same. Not only are you doing everything in your power to make sure it doesn't happen again, but the pain and anger still lingers. You tend to see them differently as well.
Exit Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Lol Erica the quote in your signature makes me laugh every time. Don't answer the text. Like everyone is saying, he would make more of an effort unless he's spineless. Hell, my ex told me off, found a new BF, started ignoring me, and I still showed up with flowers lol. It didn't work, but I certainly made a bigger gesture than a text message.
Author rickigal Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I slept on it and thought it through. I can't respond. He texted me a week after breaking up, I responded, he called, he begged for me back and to come over (I didn't for fear he was just lonely), and the next day he outright ignored me just to send me an email saying how he didn't mean it. I was crushed a second time. I won't be crushed a third. I can't do it. The pain was too great.
GrayClouds Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 He doesn't get to be part of my life anymore, he made that decision. That is a perfect statement. It shows strength , intelligent and self respect. Congratulations
Author rickigal Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Ok well after I didn't respond to his text he texted me again last night. He said "Alright, hate me then. I was just being friendly. I won't bother you again." I thought long and hard about it and I didn't want him to think that I hated him because I don't at all. So I waited a few hours and responded "I don't hate you at all...I'm sorry you think that I do." His response was "Glad to know :)" I don't feel bad, I don't feel like he want to get back together. I feel like I gave him just enough information to know that I'm not interested in talking to him but it isn't about him. What I really wanted to say was "It isn't about you, I need to move on." But then he would know for sure that the ball was in his court. Did I do the right thing?
EricaH329 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Did I do the right thing? I think a better question is why do you care what he thinks of you?? My ex said that once also, the first time we broke up, since I wasn't responding to any of his e-mails. I finally replied with "If I wanted to hate you, I would have every right in the world to do so." Dumb, I shouldn't have responded at all. They don't deserve a response from us. For one reason or another, they believe that having us in their lives is not what they want right now. So really, why does it matter what we think of them? Just as well as what they think of us??
Author rickigal Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Ok, you are right. I guess I thought that if he thought I hated him there would be absolutely no chance of reconciliation if that was what he was thinking. I would take him back in a heartbeat. He wasn't a bad guy at all. In fact he is one of the nicest men I have ever met in my life. That is what is making it so hard. If he was a jerk to me it would make things so much easier.
EricaH329 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Ok, you are right. I guess I thought that if he thought I hated him there would be absolutely no chance of reconciliation if that was what he was thinking. I would take him back in a heartbeat. He wasn't a bad guy at all. In fact he is one of the nicest men I have ever met in my life. That is what is making it so hard. If he was a jerk to me it would make things so much easier. You'd think that him being a jerk would make things easier, but unfortunatly, loving someone doesn't take notice of that sort of thing. From what i've learned anyway. If you don't mind me asking, why did the relationship end? I want to get a better understanding so I can help a little better.
Author rickigal Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 We had a perfect relationship. We were very much in love. He broke up with me because he wants more kids (i don't) and because I have a lot of debt from my divorce and he wants to get married and buy a house but he can't with me. He still loved me he said. He didn't want to string me along. He even gave me a key to his place the month before! And wrote in my bday card "Looking forward to spending many more occasions with you" "I wish there were words to describe how happy I am you came into my life" That was 2 weeks before he broke up with me.
EricaH329 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 We had a perfect relationship. We were very much in love. He broke up with me because he wants more kids (i don't) and because I have a lot of debt from my divorce and he wants to get married and buy a house but he can't with me. He still loved me he said. He didn't want to string me along. He even gave me a key to his place the month before! And wrote in my bday card "Looking forward to spending many more occasions with you" "I wish there were words to describe how happy I am you came into my life" That was 2 weeks before he broke up with me. This is a very unfortunate situation. I'm sorry to hear that it ended this way. I can completely understand your confusion. Whether to move on or hold out hope for reconiliation. Let's think about this for a moment though. He broke up with you. There was something about the relationship (which you stated, but nonetheless) that he didn't agree with. That's a pretty big life decision that you two can't agree on. So, basically, the two choices you have now are: sit around waiting and hoping that one day, he will change his mind. OR... you could start focusing all of your attention onto yourself. Trying to become a better person and figure out exactly what you want out of life, and then how to start achieving that goal. You are putting yourself through misery, with all of the 'what ifs'. The only way to get out of this is to move on. To heal. One day, if he decides he wants the same things as you do, then you can decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him again. 9 times out of 10, by the time that happens, most people are over that relationship and want something else. Something better. Something that's worthy of their time. This... this is not worthy of your time. Why wait around for someone that does not want you? I know that sounds harsh, but it's reality. Our ex's do not want us. They do not, for one reason or another, believe that being in a relationship with us is in their best interest. I say screw them!!!!! If they can't see how wonderful and fantastic we are, then it's their loss. Not ours. Now... onto finding someone who will appreciate us for everything we have to offer!
Author rickigal Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Yes, thank you Erica. BTW I'm Erika too! I have been doing great moving on actually until he texted me. I feel like he still loves me and that hurts. I know that I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, through thick and thin and wants to support me whatever my situation. I think, I'll go find him now!
EricaH329 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Yes, thank you Erica. BTW I'm Erika too! That's awesome! I have been doing great moving on actually until he texted me. I feel like he still loves me and that hurts. I know how you feel. I also know that my ex still loves me. But i've learned that love just isn't enough. I know that I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, through thick and thin and wants to support me whatever my situation. I think, I'll go find him now! That's the spirit!!!!!!!! Watch out world... Ericas are on the LOOSE!!
GrayClouds Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 We had a perfect relationship. We were very much in love. He broke up with me because he wants more kids (i don't) and because I have a lot of debt from my divorce and he wants to get married and buy a house but he can't with me. He still loved me he said. He didn't want to string me along. He even gave me a key to his place the month before! And wrote in my bday card "Looking forward to spending many more occasions with you" "I wish there were words to describe how happy I am you came into my life" That was 2 weeks before he broke up with me. Do romanticizes it that much. If I had to pick between being with someone I loved and a buying a house, I would live in a tent (unless it was a really really big house but if I could afford that the issue of dept is mute). And the kids part, if he gets married to someone else and then finds out she can have kids is he going to move on? BS! You know him better then me but he seems like a bit of a twerp. I do know you can do better.
trueblue72ny Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 i cant tell you how many times i have fallen for things like this in the past from my x gf. sometimes i would not hear from her for months, and then out of the blue i would get an email or a text, "hi", "how are you". everytime i woudl fall for it because i still desired her. after going back and forth for months, years, it never got me any where except never ending heartache. & my life was stuck in a holding pattern. i kept thinking this was my chance to get back together. but it never turned out to be like that. she would just ditch me again, and again and again. it took me awhile to smarten up. looking back if i could do it all over again i would have cut that right off. i am becoming a firm believer that once its done, its done. trust is hard to repair because you always have it in the back of your mind, will they do it again. and my answer to that is, probaby! they did it already, next time will be even easier for them. i think you are doing the right thing by not responding. i hope you can stay strong and continue moving on with your life. it has only been a couple months since i have heard from my ex gf, but i fully expect to again at some point. and when she does say hello i pray i have the strength to do what i know is probably the right thing - ignore it, again, and again, and again. ad just keep moving on with my life. this friends thing that ex's want from us is ridiculous and a waste of time IMHO.
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