My ex (the commitment phobe) didn't lie....

[leap83]

So, you all know my story and if you don't, search through my posts. I was with a guy and we parted our ways due to the fact of him not being ready to commit.

 

You stop wondering what the other individual is doing once you break up and concentrate hard on working. That's exactly what I did. However, you can't help but wonder... and I wondered whether he really lied (since I deeply believed he did) about what he told me (need to work on his issues, yadda, yadda). He started to spark my interest through e-mails. I would send an e-mail and half an hour later get a response. Some of these e-mails were long, mind you. VERY long. Most of the time, he went in circles and I found it hard to get to the bottom of it. However, his last e-mail made me wonder even more. In it, he mentioned how he is doing better, how he's volunteering more, how he joined a lot of different community clubs and how he's overall succeeding in his recovery (from his issues). Of course, being the skeptic I am, I thought he was just writing for the sake of writing something but it was like "Why would he answer my e-mail in half an hour with such a long response?! :confused:" It seemed as though he wanted to tell me a whole lot more.

 

So, I wondered. Long and behold, today I find out that he was telling the truth. I thought he was seeing someone else - he's not. He bought her paintings because they look good in his apartment. He is indeed involved in many, many volunteer clubs. He's very much single. He's very much working on himself. I was stumped to hear it and see it.

 

But it made me feel good. Finally, I have my answers. Finally... And I find it flattering he took my advice about volunteering.

[AliveAndKicking]

I'm glad that you found the answers you've been looking for and that it brought you some comfort!

 

Thanks for sharing this positive experience with us.

 

i hope things continue to go well for you!

[Exit]

Not really sure what any of this means. Are you hoping to get back with him?

[mickleb]

leap

 

Sorry love but you're obessing about him. He's gone. He may drag his sorry ass back one day but he's broken your heart enough times. Don't be his online nurse.

 

YOU are doing the classic passive CP thing and holding onto him via all this. I know you'll deny it but hey! - classic passive. Think about it.

 

Where are the posts about you? Nothing-to-do-with-him YOU?

 

I want to see these here before I start patting you on the back.

 

Sorry.

 

Take care. x

[GrayClouds]

l

 

Where are the posts about you? Nothing-to-do-with-him YOU?

 

I want to see these here before I start patting you on the back.

 

Sorry.

 

Take care. x

And I will pat mickleb on the back for good advice for all of us.

 

 

 

 

 

(by the way mickleb good morning)

[leap83]

Well, you all may think whatever you like. I'm NOT hoping to go back to him. This post wasn't about getting back with him. This post was about RESOLVING the questions that have been bugging me all along. They're gone now.

 

As for me, obsessing over him, well, think about it: HE joined the organization for which I HAVE BEEN volunteering FOR YEARS. HE obsessed in his e-mail about his issues - e-mails which were pretty easy to answer with a simple "yes" or "no" or not answer at all.

 

He's broken my heart... yes. But he is NOTHING close to my ex of 4 yrs.

 

I look at my past relationships as something to learn from. You can call me the passive commitmentphobe all you want, but I've sprung out of that role when I started digging through my life and started concentrating on what is important - MY LIFE and living it.

 

This post was supposed to show that SOME commitment phobes go and work on themselves. I applaud him for his efforts to get himself fixed before entering any kind of other relationship. My fear was that he was going to continue to date and hurt some other innocent soul out there.

 

But hey, you're all going to think that I want him back and that this post was all about wanting him to come back after he's all healed and normal. Sorry to tell you that not all people are THAT pathetic. Some people move on. Try to learn from their mistakes. Keep in contact with their exes years after and have a normal friend-friend relationship and don't hold grudges.

 

One thing I've learned from all of the break ups in my life is that IF you hold grudges, you will NEVER be able to move on. You will ALWAYS dwell on what could have been, should have been, would have been.... and you will ALWAYS live in the past. Took me a year to get over my ex of 4 yrs PRECISELY because I was holding a grudge. The moment I started talking with him, forgave him, the negativity was GONE. That black cloud was gone.

 

So seeing this ex do something I told him LONG time ago to do (ie volunteering and helping others to help himself) is awesome to see. It is awesome that he's getting better and living his life.

 

I'm sorry for breaking the rules of the game, called the NC. As I said, I tried doing that with my ex of 4 yrs - caused me more harm than good. "Don't spit in the well you once drank water from because at one point time, that water was good for you."

[leap83]

I'm going to say another thing in terms of healing. I know that some of you are going to hate me after this, but in the end, you might realize that I was right or wrong (whatever your view is).

 

The more you try to hate the ex, the worse it's going to be. You never come to terms with the break-up but you just hate. When you think about it, hate is a strong word. "I hate him/her for doing this to me! I hate them!" Ugh... Yes. People do some nasty things in the world. People create wars. People cheat, lie, manipulate. It's all in the personality of people and even the nicest person out there will have these qualities, except they will choose not to show them. Oh yes and there is holding grudges, anger, resentment, jealousy... Yet, if we stopped to think about it, stopped endorsing these negative emotions in our lives, we would be able to live a normal life... a happy life.

 

The cause of some cancers out there is on the psychological basis (as much as it is on the physiological). You mentally torture yourself over another human being who made a mistake. Yes. They hurt you. It hurts like hell. But who is a bigger person in the end: the one who holds the grudge for the rest of their life, walks across the street because their ex is with a new partner, think they can't fall in love because their ex broke them apart or that person who forgives (not forgets, but forgives)? Do you want to fall onto their level really? If you do, go ahead. Act the same way they're acting. But maybe once try to approach your ex and genuinely wish them all the best.

 

I'm probably breaking ALL of the rules of dating and relationships. But hey.... it worked for me. And that's all I really care about.

[mickleb]

Woo. Defensive, much?

 

I don't give a sh*t about him or any of your other exes. And, IMHO, neither should you RIGHT NOW.

 

Let go of them and concentrate on your healing. Are you saying you are completely over him? If so - GREAT. I never want to hear about him again. Are you saying you're not over your ex-ex? If so, BAD - let's figure out how you do that. (If you'll let us.)

 

I'd like to hear about you. And I didn't hear much in that last (but one) post other than than you are extremely emotional.

 

I hope YOU are doing fine.

 

Take care. x

Edited November 7, 2009 by mickleb
I type slowly

[mickleb]

I'm going to say another thing in terms of healing. I know that some of you are going to hate me after this, but in the end, you might realize that I was right or wrong (whatever your view is).

 

The more you try to hate the ex, the worse it's going to be. You never come to terms with the break-up but you just hate. When you think about it, hate is a strong word. "I hate him/her for doing this to me! I hate them!" Ugh... Yes. People do some nasty things in the world. People create wars. People cheat, lie, manipulate. It's all in the personality of people and even the nicest person out there will have these qualities, except they will choose not to show them. Oh yes and there is holding grudges, anger, resentment, jealousy... Yet, if we stopped to think about it, stopped endorsing these negative emotions in our lives, we would be able to live a normal life... a happy life.

 

The cause of some cancers out there is on the psychological basis (as much as it is on the physiological). You mentally torture yourself over another human being who made a mistake. Yes. They hurt you. It hurts like hell. But who is a bigger person in the end: the one who holds the grudge for the rest of their life, walks across the street because their ex is with a new partner, think they can't fall in love because their ex broke them apart or that person who forgives (not forgets, but forgives)? Do you want to fall onto their level really? If you do, go ahead. Act the same way they're acting. But maybe once try to approach your ex and genuinely wish them all the best.

 

I'm probably breaking ALL of the rules of dating and relationships. But hey.... it worked for me. And that's all I really care about.

 

And I shall say another thing about you, my dear. DO NOT PRESUME that people who post here are not capable of forgiveness. That's rude.

 

And do not presume you are healed. Your attitude to those who (sorry we SO bad at it) are trying to help you, frankly, stinks. It also suggests it's actually you who could be stuck in the 'anger' stage.

 

My two cents. Don't shoot the mesenger, et al.

 

Take care. x

[GrayClouds]

I'm going to say another thing in terms of healing. I know that some of you are going to hate me after this, but in the end, you might realize that I was right or wrong (whatever your view is).

 

The more you try to hate the ex, the worse it's going to be. You never come to terms with the break-up but you just hate. When you think about it, hate is a strong word. "I hate him/her for doing this to me! I hate them!" Ugh... Yes. People do some nasty things in the world. People create wars. People cheat, lie, manipulate. It's all in the personality of people and even the nicest person out there will have these qualities, except they will choose not to show them. Oh yes and there is holding grudges, anger, resentment, jealousy... Yet, if we stopped to think about it, stopped endorsing these negative emotions in our lives, we would be able to live a normal life... a happy life.

 

The cause of some cancers out there is on the psychological basis (as much as it is on the physiological). You mentally torture yourself over another human being who made a mistake. Yes. They hurt you. It hurts like hell. But who is a bigger person in the end: the one who holds the grudge for the rest of their life, walks across the street because their ex is with a new partner, think they can't fall in love because their ex broke them apart or that person who forgives (not forgets, but forgives)? Do you want to fall onto their level really? If you do, go ahead. Act the same way they're acting. But maybe once try to approach your ex and genuinely wish them all the best.

 

I'm probably breaking ALL of the rules of dating and relationships. But hey.... it worked for me. And that's all I really care about.

WOW me thinks the lady protest too much.

 

If people miss interepeted your post it was not with malice though your reatin seems a bit intense. Maybe THAT says something?

 

I dont think anyone suggested holding a grudge or hating there EX. No Contact is not about punishment, revenge or anger. It is about caring enough about yourself to have the space and time to heal by focuing on the need of themselfs. It acknowledges the depth of ones emotions while helping move through it. Is it the right thing for everyone, no, but for the vast vast najority it is. For those who use it for the right reasons recover faster.

 

While No Contact can help mend a broken heart, I will abstain from any statements of its ability to cure cancer.

[leap83]

Woo. Defensive, much?

 

I don't give a sh*t about him or any of your other exes. And, IMHO, neither should you RIGHT NOW.

 

Let go of them and concentrate on your healing. Are you saying you are completely over him? If so - GREAT. I never want to hear about him again. Are you saying you're not over your ex-ex? If so, BAD - let's figure out how you do that. (If you'll let us.)

 

I'd like to hear about you. And I didn't hear much in that last (but one) post other than than you are extremely emotional.

 

I hope YOU are doing fine.

 

Take care. x

 

Really? Extremely emotional? From the mere fact that YOU misunderstood the underlining message of my original post or from the fact that YOU believe I'm NOT healed?

 

What do you want to know about ME? Here I am. I can tell you my whole life story and you can try to "help" me. So what DO you want to know? I would love to talk about myself - it makes me less selfish than caring about others.

 

Edit: I wouldn't be surprised if your career was somehow related to psychology.

[leap83]

WOW me thinks the lady protest too much.

 

If people miss interepeted your post it was not with malice though your reatin seems a bit intense. Maybe THAT says something?

 

I dont think anyone suggested holding a grudge or hating there EX. No Contact is not about punishment, revenge or anger. It is about caring enough about yourself to have the space and time to heal by focuing on the need of themselfs. It acknowledges the depth of ones emotions while helping move through it. Is it the right thing for everyone, no, but for the vast vast najority it is. For those who use it for the right reasons recover faster.

 

While No Contact can help mend a broken heart, I will abstain from any statements of its ability to cure cancer.

 

Does NC really help you heal? Or do you walk around wondering what your ex is doing? I have gone up and down this forum - I have seen people whom NC helped but I have also seen people whom NC doesn't help at all and how much pain it creates in their lives (those ones who can't recover from break-up after 6 months to a year) - which was ME up to recently.

 

My reaction was there because every time someone posts something "good" about their ex, everyone comments on how "you're not over them... go NC and get over them." Maybe people should start to be a bit more open minded about those who genuinely work through their pain and face it head on (instead of avoid it).

 

EVERY TIME I mention my ex, someone on this forum seems to think I want to go back to him. Maybe, just maybe, I think he's a good person. And maybe, just maybe, I'm one of those people who doesn't burn bridges that once they worked hard to build but try to mend them. I'm sorry if that might seem pathetic to all of you and I'm sure in your heads right now, you're saying "leap is so pathetic."

[leap83]

I don't dare to say that I'm friends with my ex of 4 yrs..........

[WTRanger]

Maybe by seeking resolution the OP in this case has truly been able to move on? Part of the moving on process is understanding and answers. She knows these answers and can truly put this whole issue to rest. NC is a way to stop the blood loss from a break-up. But it sometimes is not meant to be a permanent thing. NC allows you to take time for yourself and see what you want. If you want to talk to the ex to finally resolve things, then go ahead and talk to them. Taking a zealous line on NC is clearly not the way to go. If you do that, you just become a bitter husk of a human being.

 

If you break NC and get messed up again. Well, you learned a lesson. You become wiser for future events. It is not a failure, it is a learning opportunity. As I have said many times, NC rules are not set in stone. NC is based on a per person and per relationship situation. What works for me, won't work for you.

[leap83]

Maybe by seeking resolution the OP in this case has truly been able to move on? Part of the moving on process is understanding and answers. She knows these answers and can truly put this whole issue to rest. NC is a way to stop the blood loss from a break-up. But it sometimes is not meant to be a permanent thing. NC allows you to take time for yourself and see what you want. If you want to talk to the ex to finally resolve things, then go ahead and talk to them. Taking a zealous line on NC is clearly not the way to go. If you do that, you just become a bitter husk of a human being.

 

If you break NC and get messed up again. Well, you learned a lesson. You become wiser for future events. It is not a failure, it is a learning opportunity. As I have said many times, NC rules are not set in stone. NC is based on a per person and per relationship situation. What works for me, won't work for you.

 

Thank you for your comment, WTRanger. It hits the nail right on its head. You take the path which you believe will help you heal and there are many paths to take.

[mickleb]

leap

 

What has gotten into you? YES (in answer to your question) you DO appear do to be extremely emotional.

 

I remember a lady who joined the forums at a similar time as I did, with a CP guy who'd run, like mine had. I remember a lady who diagnosed HERSELF as being passive CP. That thread and similar posts helped me to understand that particular push/pull dynamic very well. I thank you for it.

 

As it happens, I have not AVOIDED an issue by not contacting my ex (up until this week just gone, as it happens, as I had to sort out the papers on my car which were in his name - was planning to do this in about 6 months but circumstances made it relevant for me to do it sooner - and getting this finally addressed has helped me move on no end, not that I WAS thinking about what he was up to much before I did, just so's you got the full picture).

 

It is POSSIBLE that one day, in the future, I could become his friend, I suppose. Right now, I think both he and I would find it too confusing. I've also lost a huge amount of respect for him, so not a great starting point to strike up a whole new relationship of 'friend', I think. If he was in contact with me and had been doing a ton of therapy, or something, I would consider it more confusing and would have found it harder to move on. I also, don't think I'd be helping his recovery as a CP to stay in touch. These are my experiences and my opinions and obviously not yours.

 

This is a public forum though, non? It IS ok if I post on one of your threads, isn't it? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear? If so, let me help you feel better by doing just that: Oo - good for you - you've made yourself feel a bit better by staying in contact with your ex and knowing that you've helped him on his path to healing. You now know that he wasn't lying about the paintings he bought from another lady. IMO, you weren't over-analysing every single response you got from him at all! You seem completely happy with everything and totally relaxed. Good job. Well done.

 

Everything ok, now?

 

As you are someone who diagnosed HERSELF as passive CP, I *just* thought you were aware that hanging onto ex active CP's (in any way) is a real no-no. Or is it that you now disregard Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol's years of experience and research in this field?

 

I am not a psychologist. I teach kids in a children's home. What is your point? (I guess, like Exit, that's my overall question.)

 

I don't want your life story, ta very much. I just don't care about your ex. I don't know if many other people here will, either. You posted about the issues of being a passive CP here, so I hope (as I said before) that YOU are doing okay with that. It's not an easy thing to recognise and it's not something that you just 'get over' having read a book or two. It's a habit of a lifetime that can be real hard to get a grip on.

 

It seems like you have a lot to say about LS and people who 'help people', as you seem to *resentfully?* put it. I suggest you start up a whole lotta threads: why NC is for losers / why people who remain on LS can't be healing / why helping your ex is much more productive than helping yourself - oh and as GC noted - how NC causes cancer! These seem to be the messages hidden in your passionate responses. And I'm sure you'd get a lot of interest in them.

 

As for me, I can tell when I'm not wanted, so I'll bid you adieu. (Unless you actually want my opinion).

 

Take care. (I mean it) x

 

P.S. To WTR. Maybe. I hope so. I'm not acutally the world's biggest NC advocate, if you wish to check out my posts. I will encourage those who wish to do it but are struggling with it, though. I wouldn't say that leap has been NC at all, from the sound of things. Perhaps she deals with loss by 'friendzoning' them before they get a chance to do that to her? Who knows. Only she does. I hope you're right. I hope I am wrong. Cheers, mb. x

Edited November 7, 2009 by mickleb
Honest mistake(s)

[GrayClouds]

Does NC really help you heal? Or do you walk around wondering what your ex is doing?

That happens with or with out NC

I have gone up and down this forum - I have seen people whom NC helped but I have also seen people whom NC doesn't help at all and how much pain it creates in their lives (those ones who can't recover from break-up after 6 months to a year) - which was ME up to recently.

That is simply a fallacious argument affirming the consequent. It blames NC for what would happen regardless. More importantly we have no controlled study that shows how long this individuals would have took to recover if they didn't NC. In fact I would contend you may be right but it is not about duration but intensity and there is a good deal of empirical evidence of those who break NC suffer a great deal more.

 

 

My reaction was there because every time someone posts something "good" about their ex, everyone comments on how "you're not over them... go NC and get over them." Maybe people should start to be a bit more open minded about those who genuinely work through their pain and face it head on (instead of avoid it).

 

NC is not about avoid pain it is about not inflicting unnecessary pain on top of the natural hurt you must work through. I have seen little to none suggestion the NC is a great way to avoid your pain. In fact the implementation of NC is a real acknowledgment that you are facing pain and making a constious effort to work through it by being focused on yourself and not distracting yourself from it by focusing on the EX.

 

EVERY TIME I mention my ex, someone on this forum seems to think I want to go back to him. Maybe, just maybe, I think he's a good person. And maybe, just maybe, I'm one of those people who doesn't burn bridges that once they worked hard to build but try to mend them.

And maybe just maybe all of it is true. The EX is not a BAD guy. That you are one who doesn't burn bridges. You do work hard to mend them. And maybe, just maybe you wouldn't mind returning to the relationship if he became everything you though he could be, maybe, just maybe there is a small grain of hope that someday, maybe, just maybe that it may happen.

 

And you know what? If maybe that is even a bit true, their is nothing wrong with it. But people who care know it is important to be honest with ourselves because even those little truths, can sneak up and blindside us if we are not paying attention to them.

 

I'm sorry if that might seem pathetic to all of you and I'm sure in your heads right now, you're saying "leap is so pathetic."

That is simple projection, which if I was Sigmund Freud, I would say it is internal dialoge resulting from external stimuli. But if I was Sigmund Freud, that would mean I want to sleep with my mom, which is problematic (she has passed away) and more importantly it is simply not true (even though she was a good looking lady in her time).

 

All of our EX's have good traits. Like mine she could keep a couple of relationship going at the same time, a great multi-tasker so to speak. Do I sound bitter? Heck no.

Edited November 7, 2009 by GrayClouds

[leap83]

leap

 

What has gotten into you? YES (in answer to your question) you DO appear do to be extremely emotional.

 

I remember a lady who joined the forums at a similar time as I did, with a CP guy who'd run, like mine had. I remember a lady who diagnosed HERSELF as being passive CP. That thread and similar posts helped me to understand that particular push/pull dynamic very well. I thank you for it.

 

As it happens, I have not AVOIDED an issue by not contacting my ex (up until this week just gone, as it happens, as I had to sort out the papers on my car which were in his name - was planning to do this in about 6 months but circumstances made it relevant for me to do it sooner - and getting this finally addressed has helped me move on no end, not that I WAS thinking about what he was up to much before I did, just so's you got the full picture).

 

It is POSSIBLE that one day, in the future, I could become his friend, I suppose. Right now, I think both he and I would find it too confusing. I've also lost a huge amount of respect for him, so not a great starting point to strike up a whole new relationship of 'friend', I think. If he was in contact with me and had been doing a ton of therapy, or something, I would consider it more confusing and would have found it harder to move on. I also, don't think I'd be helping his recovery as a CP to stay in touch. These are my experiences and my opinions and obviously not yours.

 

This is a public forum though, non? It IS ok if I post on one of your threads, isn't it? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear? If so, let me help you feel better by doing just that: Oo - good for you - you've made yourself feel a bit better by staying in contact with your ex and knowing that you've helped him on his path to healing. You now know that he wasn't lying about the paintings he bought from another lady. IMO, you weren't over-analysing every single response you got from him at all! You seem completely happy with everything and totally relaxed. Good job. Well done.

 

Everything ok, now?

 

As you are someone who diagnosed HERSELF as passive CP, I *just* thought you were aware that hanging onto ex active CP's (in any way) is a real no-no. Or is it that you now disregard Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol's years of experience and research in this field?

 

I am not a psychologist. I teach kids in a children's home. What is your point? (I guess, like Exit, that's my overall question.)

 

I don't want your life story, ta very much. I just don't care about your ex. I don't know if many other people here will, either. You posted about the issues of being a passive CP here, so I hope (as I said before) that YOU are doing okay with that. It's not an easy thing to recognise and it's not something that you just 'get over' having read a book or two. It's a habit of a lifetime that can be real hard to get a grip on.

 

It seems like you have a lot to say about LS and people who 'help people', as you seem to *resentfully?* put it. I suggest you start up a whole lotta threads: why NC is for losers / why people who remain on LS can't be healing / why helping your ex is much more productive than helping yourself - oh and as GC noted - how NC causes cancer! These seem to be the messages hidden in your passionate responses. And I'm sure you'd get a lot of interest in them.

 

As for me, I can tell when I'm not wanted, so I'll bid you adieu. (Unless you actually want my opinion).

 

Take care. (I mean it) x

 

P.S. To WTR. Maybe. I hope so. I'm not acutally the world's biggest NC advocate, if you wish to check out my posts. I will encourage those who wish to do it but are struggling with it, though. I wouldn't say that leap has been NC at all, from the sound of things. Perhaps she deals with loss by 'friendzoning' them before they get a chance to do that to her? Who knows. Only she does. I hope you're right. I hope I am wrong. Cheers, mb. x

 

Yes. I do want your opinion. It's not like I'm saying "screw you... you have no idea what you're talking about." All I'm saying is that I found a way to deal with my issues - it is a unique way.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. I'm glad to hear that my post helped you understand the dynamics of these relationships. I'm glad I was of any help whatsoever. And I hope you find the peace you need to find.

 

To tell you an honest truth about ME: when him and I parted our ways, it was hard for me. Hell... It hurt me. So, I sat there, all broken, wondering what the heck I should do to help myself heal. I did the whole NC for a month and a half which I believe our relationship deserved. I've tried to come to terms with everything. However, I had those lingering questions. They were there. One of those questions was whether he was lying. I didn't care that we weren't together. So, analyzing what I have done wrong and what he's done wrong, acknowledging the fact that he has had tons of issues and so have I, I broke NC for Thanksgiving. And yesterday, because I have kept in touch with him (without pressuring him for answers - because they run away when you pressure them), I was able to find what I was looking for. And you know what? That weight on my heart disappeared. It helped me. Sometimes I get blinded by lies because I work with children just like you do. I work with sick children, those ones for whose diseases they don't have a cure. And all I see from them is innocence and sometimes I get blinded by adults who decide to lie - I spend most of my time in kids' world, not the adult one. They believe in fairy-tales so I start to believe in them too. Simply put.

 

Now, you may say I was just sitting there and over-analyzing everything. Well, I wasn't. In the mean time, I was able to develop something to help people with disease, I presented at a conference, I opened up another clinic for the children, I fundraised for the elderly for Christmas, etc. So, no. I haven't been sitting at home, over-analyzing this. I started doing that, then I snapped out of it. Because I am a better person than that.

 

Of course I want to hear your opinion. However, I have done what I thought would help me. And if it bites me in the ass (which it didn't) then that's my problem.

 

My post was mostly to show that some active CPs take the initiative to get better. That's all I needed. He's getting better. Am I going back to him? No. Why? Because I am a one shot girl. I don't go back. I did that before, pathetically, and learned from it. So, no... he will NEVER get a chance to be with me AGAIN. But he will get a chance to be my friend.

Edited November 7, 2009 by leap83

[leap83]

That happens with or with out NC

 

And maybe just maybe all of it is true. The EX is not a BAD guy. That you are one who doesn't burn bridges. You do work hard to mend them. And maybe, just maybe you wouldn't mind returning to the relationship if he became everything you though he could be, maybe, just maybe there is a small grain of hope that someday, maybe, just maybe that it may happen.

 

 

You can't change people. If you want to change them, then you shouldn't be dating them. Period. End of the discussion really. Small grain of hope is not there. Small grain of hope is in the friendship zone. I WOULD mind returning to him. You know why? Because after my 4yr relationship ended, I swore that I WILL NEVER walk over that mat again. This ex cried because I told him he gets one shot with me and he blew it. I don't go back. You get one shot with me... Literally. Even my mother thinks that's rather harsh. But that's the reality. I've learned from previous mistakes.

 

So, he will be in my life.... as a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less. A dear friend.

[mickleb]

So lovely to hear all of your progress, leap. Really good.

 

So good to hear how strongly you feel about not going back and how that has been a tough lesson but it is one that you have now learned.

 

I think this is what I was hoping to see when I first clicked on this post but there was so much about him, that I got anxious on your behalf.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reassure me that you have been doing amazing work on yourself (and for others - bless yer!).

 

May I say I have a *tiny* anxiety that you may be the type who finds helping others easier than herself - and, yup, I have been known to be that person, myself - ? It's just that I want you to be focusing on you and the kids, not him. Not saying he doesn't deserve your help (my ex was a really sweet guy, a Nice Guy, in fact - and he just got a bit passive/agressive when others tried to help him - but this is not about ME! OMG!) or to be your friend but I would advise steering clear of trying to help him, at this stage. It IS great news that he's admitted he needs help (and I'd be happy to hear my ex had done this, too).

 

Thanks for letting us know that CP's can get their sh*t together and that you are doing really well. x

[GrayClouds]

 

So, he will be in my life.... as a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less. A dear friend.

 

Though I did say maybe.

 

While you do sound a bit defensive with a bit cognitive distortion of false dichotomy (even my mother thinks that's rather harsh), if it works for you great, and I mean that with sincerity. We all just trying to do the best we can with the limited skills we have.