Perception, Anger, and The Implosion of my Marriage!

[tojaz]

Just recently after a long drought of any kind of interaction with her, me and my Ex exchanged a few E-mails. Started out pleasant enough. Nothing deep being said, just idle chitchat. Subject came to my illness, which is fairly serious and she lets on, that she has known I was ill for some time without saying anything. That kind of hurt, but shes the ex, what did I expect! So i thank her for her concern and in return she blasts me! trying to justify why she hadn't contacted me earlier regarding my troubles and how she was concerned and of course that it was somehow my fault that she didn't know. Like we had been talking regularly and I was keeping it from her. I haven't heard her voice since the first week of August!

...... All I had said was thanks!

 

Thinking about that and letting it gnaw at me a little. I realized that this is how she sees me now. Theres nothing i could do that she would see in a good light. If I cured cancer tomorrow, it would be just to screw her over somehow. Every good thing I have ever tried to do for her is now tainted in her mind. This is going to be how she remembers our time together, and that kills me. For 13 years i devoted myself to anything and everything that i thought would make her happy, because doing that made me happy! Now it's a tale of imprisonment and torture! I know in my heart it's not true, but the fact that this is what shes walking away with, this is how she describes our time together to others. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I put my heart and soul into everything we had built together and it's now a bad memory to her.

 

How is it, that even 8 months later knowing full well how she feels about me and is doing god knows what with god knows who. Failing all the advice that I try to give to others here in my 1600 posts, I wake up on a cold morning and my first thought is if shes warm and where she left her gloves and hat. Better take them to her.

 

Why is it, that I can live the life I have lived, but a stupid text message from her can make me run for cover.

 

I know the answers, I understand what shes doing, I know she isn't good for me any more. I spout the same things day after day here, so why can't I turn it off. Why must she torture me, I gave her what she wanted, all I asked was come home or stay away so i can heal and move on with my life.

I don't care which, I just need some peace in my life!!!

Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm drunk too.

TOJAZ

Edited November 7, 2009 by tojaz

[Aksion]

I'll raise my shot glass to you my friend.

 

I know it hasn't been as long for me, but you've read about how even after going completely NC w/ my wife she still decides to take jabs at me by sending me updates about how happy she is in e-mail. Been the worst when I'm finally starting to feel ok for a few days, then bam, its like she knows and wants me to keep hurting.

 

Its really almost as if for some reason they want us to keep thinking about them -- even though they were the ones that wanted out. You want out, stay the fu ck out, let our minds rest. I know you try to take your own advice -- hell, I'M trying to take your advice, and any advice anybody can give me, but it really is just ourselves that will/can fix ourselves.

 

You're not pathetic, you're a man who had everything he ever knew ripped away from him. Everything we ever did was for our spouse, and having that life taken away from us was/is devastating. You're moving on well -- maybe just remove yourself from the situation again, don't e-mail, change your number so you aren't texting her. Sadly, I sorta wish I had contact with my wife, even if it drove me crazy(ier).

 

Head up, tilt that glass back, and just let go tonight.

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay gentlemen...wish I had a glass of something to raise one to both of you...Men who really care!!! WTF!

 

J came over this evening after work but didn't bring the baby's car seat. Sat there and talked about how his ex girl friend that he went to prom with supposidly went into the military looking for him and even took leave to where he was stationed to hopefully run into him (and he thought he saw her)...that this girl, a friend, his mother, and sister all are asking him to go to WA for Thanksgiving. That his work is trying to get him to apply for a job in Seattle etc... sounds like a crock...whatever

 

Tojaz you did nothing but try to build a life for you and her...if she couldn't appreciate that it is her loss! I would be so thankful for that vs. the "I am trying the best I can" with J being broke and not helping me a lick.

 

Aksion...send that B a simple message..."I don't want to know how you are doing seems you don't give a damn about me"

 

boys I could use a drink! and here I am trying to reconcile because I know he truly doesn't know what the hell he wants...I want him to want me...really need a drink...hey I have whole bottles of wine! getting one now

[trippi1432]

Ok, I'm jealous and heading to the store before it closes, need my wine too dammit.

[tojaz]

AK, I'm with you tonight. Drank all my beer seeking out mouthwash. My advice to you still stands though. If you need a night to throw a pty party like I am tonight, thae thats fine. We deserve it after the hell were going through, but when it's over, you need to shake it off and get back into the world. I fell into a hole tonight, but I'm gonna crawl out as well. I have almost a dozen dead soldiers here next to me, but tomorrow, when my head aches, I'm going to kick myself in the a$$ and go on with my life. It hurts today, but it's all we can do. Gotta keep moving!

 

Thanks for the kind words Ladybug, I needed that tonight.

 

TRIPPI, bottoms up!

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

For 13 years i devoted myself to anything and everything that i thought would make her happy, because doing that made me happy! Now it's a tale of imprisonment and torture! I know in my heart it's not true, but the fact that this is what shes walking away with, this is how she describes our time together to others. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I put my heart and soul into everything we had built together and it's now a bad memory to her.

 

Then let that be her memory, no one can take away your memories and you have the rest of your life to make new ones.

 

Why is it, that I can live the life I have lived, but a stupid text message from her can make me run for cover.

 

Know the feeling

 

I know the answers, I understand what shes doing, I know she isn't good for me any more. I spout the same things day after day here, so why can't I turn it off. Why must she torture me, I gave her what she wanted, all I asked was come home or stay away so i can heal and move on with my life.

I don't care which, I just need some peace in my life!!!

 

Did the same and he said he couldn't do that to her....but he could do that to his wife and partner of 15 years....wouldn't want him back after that comment and disrespect.

 

Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm drunk too.

TOJAZ

 

You're not pathetic, you're hurt, but you got to get through that and move on.....yes, letting go is very hard....everyone has their own way to do that. But it will come.

[carhill]

OP, I do some of my best thinking on planes. A positive side-effect is the FA's are usually nice and the alcohol is free. I was doing some thinking about my proceeding D when coming across this post. It is interesting. The way I process it is that I can now see clearly who my stbx is and accept that. The way she is now is who she is. Acceptance will set you free.

 

It's only 11am here but I'll endeavor to lift one in honor of you and the rule that it is always 5 o'clock in the afternoon somewhere

[tojaz]

Yeah, Yeah, throw my own advice back at me! Just been a bad day. I'll get back on the horse! Promise! Tojaz back full strength tomorrow.

[Auroracoladybug]

Yeah, Yeah, throw my own advice back at me! Just been a bad day. I'll get back on the horse! Promise! Tojaz back full strength tomorrow.

 

 

Hell tomorrow is Saturday...lots to do but no kid...guess drunk is okay

[carhill]

LOL, it's already Saturday here, so is that my excuse to start drinking?

[tojaz]

OP, I do some of my best thinking on planes. A positive side-effect is the FA's are usually nice and the alcohol is free. I was doing some thinking about my proceeding D when coming across this post. It is interesting. The way I process it is that I can now see clearly who my stbx is and accept that. The way she is now is who she is. Acceptance will set you free.

 

It's only 11am here but I'll endeavor to lift one in honor of you and the rule that it is always 5 o'clock in the afternoon somewhere

 

Cheers Carhill. Acceptance is not a problem, accepted that long ago. Just instinct to care for her and worry about her. I know what shes become, and see what shes done to me but the instinct is there and shes using it. Just been a bad few days and decided to self medicate foe awhile. Not smart, but think I earned a break LOL.

TOJAZ

[carhill]

IMO, caring for her is just a habit, like having a cup of coffee in the morning. Habits can be changed. I doted on my stbx for a decade and now accept her coldness during our D as who she is; her truth. I had formerly overlooked such harsh realities due to the habit of caring. This revelation has permeated other areas of my psyche, helping me resolve issues from the far distant past; issues which have long tormented me. It's a great feeling. I hope that you find the resolution you're looking for.

 

Personally, I find that my emotions get stronger and more pervasive when drinking, so I'm mostly avoiding it now; for me, it has the exact opposite of the effect I might intend, that being to deaden the feelings or distract me. YMMV, of course

[tojaz]

Good advice Carhill. I'm getting there, but have 13 years of history to bury. Drinking does deepen the emotions, but they were going to be there anyways. Might as well loosen up and let it roll.

[carhill]

For me, MC helped me to better accept those feelings (including anger) and process them, resolving them to be my current emotional truth, but allowing my mind to process what is appropriate behavior and, in a sense, compartmentalize the emotion from the behavior and accept that it is OK to do so.

[tojaz]

Agreed, I have been in IC and it has helped a lot. I'm having a moment here, but trying to be responsible at the same time. Why I'm not posting on any other threads. i know my heads not in the game.

[Surfer Girl]

Justification for guilt!!!! She yet blames you!!.... to make herself feel better... She doesn't know how to say... I care about you enough to contact you knowing you are suffering from a serious illness. If it were me I would want to ask her if she really cared??? Is she feeling guilty?? or why she wanted to contact me in the first place???

[PWSX3]

OK Tojaz & the rest of you why use the drinking to try & forget some of the pain? You will have to deal with it again late so might as well do it now.

 

I would get Gunny in here to help me kick some butt but he is probably also drinking so maybe it's just me.

 

I understand Tojaz what's it like when you feel you do so well & then you talk to the former W & it's like right back in your face. I feel I can talk to anyone in the world, but when it comes to the former W I can't do it. It's like we go back right to the place we used to be....

 

Just get thru today & tomorrow is a new day.....Get out & rub some sunshine on your face, don't let that stick'n think'n get to you.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Tojaz,

 

Feel kinda strange posting on one of your threads...anyway, I don't think your wife will look back on you and the marriage in a negative way forever. She's doing it now to justify her departure. In the beginning, the one who leaves starts to define the relationship as troubled, while the one left behind is left thinking the ex is wonderful and the relationship wasn't THAT bad.

 

But as time passes, the roles reverse. The one left behind starts to see the negative, while the one who left starts to remember the good times and forget the bad.

 

I think your ex will get there one day. She will remember the positives eventually, and the negatives will fade away.

[Gunny376]

You did just find before you meet the X ~ and you'll do just fine without here afterwards.

 

Granted that's me saying that ~ and granted that your mind is like a pinball machine going "tilt" and not getting the message?

 

IMHO? Part of this is that she knew you were sick and couldn't deal with it. That is to say that she "loved" you and couldn't deal with your being sick, and the possibile end out-come of it all?

 

Am I misreading your initial post in that you've come down with the Big "C"

 

Whatever illness it is?

 

Damn Bro! My heart goes out to you. It really does! To begoing through a divorce and a major life threating illess ~ well it just really sucks ~ Big time!.

 

What your going to have to do is step up to the plate for you! You've got to concentrate all your enery on getting yourself well and healthy. (Hint if you do have cancer? Get your happy-self to Houston, TX yesterday)

 

My baby-sister came down with a form of cancer that has never been diagonised in anyone under the age of six. A brain tumor. She was 37 at the time.

 

She (who lived in Texas) went to Houstion and she's in remission and still kicking some Texas butt in her forties.

 

If you've got cancer, theres two places to go. UAB (University of Alabama ~ Birmingham) and Houston Texas. I would suggest Houston

[Aksion]

Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.

 

I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.

 

Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.

[JaneDoe35]

Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.

 

I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.

 

Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.

 

Hey Aksion - have you been to your GP or a counsellor to get any help yet? I know I am being Miss Practical and it is probably the last thing you want to hear right now.

 

If you don't sleep you will go crazy....a couple of drinks is ok now and then to dull the pain, maybe even 10 drinks, but not every night. Are you in the house alone every night?

[hopesndreams]

Have you tried just not caring what she thinks of anything anymore? It really is possible. Believe it! Like a tap...turn it off. You are 8 months in now, time to stop dwelling on her and think about the future, without her in it. Think of happy life experiences that are yours for the taking when you free your mind of her. She ain't paying rent to live in your head, so boot her out. Who cares if she has her hat n gloves? Those kinda thoughts are mental tojaz. I know, been there, done that and the best possible thing to do, for you, is never talk to her again, cut off all communication. She is way too negative but that is her business, nothing to do with you anymore. You must start thinking positive thoughts. You will recover physically...you're a big, strong tough guy. You will recover mentally if you set your mind to it. It takes work. You can do it. You are almost there.

[tojaz]

Justification for guilt!!!! She yet blames you!!.... to make herself feel better... She doesn't know how to say... I care about you enough to contact you knowing you are suffering from a serious illness. If it were me I would want to ask her if she really cared??? Is she feeling guilty?? or why she wanted to contact me in the first place???

Surfer Girl, I would like to ask her those things as well. The thing is, I don't think she knows to be honest. If i'm clear that I want her to leave me alone, she seems to try to be nice yet if I try to be friendly she pushes me away. The writing lately has been a constant back and forth, starts pleasant, goes bad. I acknowledge that fact, back to pleasant again. Shes dealing with something on her end, but in her eyes it all has to do with me.

 

OK Tojaz & the rest of you why use the drinking to try & forget some of the pain? You will have to deal with it again late so might as well do it now.

 

I would get Gunny in here to help me kick some butt but he is probably also drinking so maybe it's just me.

 

I understand Tojaz what's it like when you feel you do so well & then you talk to the former W & it's like right back in your face. I feel I can talk to anyone in the world, but when it comes to the former W I can't do it. It's like we go back right to the place we used to be....

 

Just get thru today & tomorrow is a new day.....Get out & rub some sunshine on your face, don't let that stick'n think'n get to you.

 

Thanks Gunny Jr. I know all this and tell it to others all the time. I wasn't drinking out of deperation or even dispair. More just being emotionally exhausted by a lot of things in my life, the ex just put the last thing on the pile yesterday. Still not proud, but I made the decision to drink, no nephews, no responsibilites for the night. Not the best coping mechanism or one I resort to often, but last night I decided to head it off at the pass, let myself go and be a little wreckless for a change, to be honest i enjoyed not having the weight on my shoulders for a little while, but now I will pick it up and plod on. Breaks over! Thanks PW!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz,

 

Feel kinda strange posting on one of your threads...anyway, I don't think your wife will look back on you and the marriage in a negative way forever. She's doing it now to justify her departure. In the beginning, the one who leaves starts to define the relationship as troubled, while the one left behind is left thinking the ex is wonderful and the relationship wasn't THAT bad.

 

But as time passes, the roles reverse. The one left behind starts to see the negative, while the one who left starts to remember the good times and forget the bad.

 

I think your ex will get there one day. She will remember the positives eventually, and the negatives will fade away.

 

SHB, don't ever feel funny about posting on one of my threads or anyone elses. You give great advice of late and everybody needs it once in awhile, and believe me, I'm no different then you or anybody else here, just posting and trying to help others here has become my way of working on myself and coping. Sounds like you have been doing some of the reading I suggested awhile back, either that or you are way ahead of the curve! your right though, and i believe I have developed a pretty accurate view of how my marriage went. i own what was mine, i am not innocent, but i laid the rest at her feet. knowing it's not true is one thing, but having to hear it is another. many people have told me she will regret this, i think parts of her already do, but i also know that her pride will never allow her to admit that. it will be easier for her to live the lie then to face the truth after the fact, i think thats a big part of why walk aways stay away, and why my wife avoids any in person contact. Every time she saw me she would burst into tears, not the reaction of someone leaving an abusive man that they never loved and had been imprisoned by.

 

Am I misreading your initial post in that you've come down with the Big "C"

 

No Gunny, not the BIG C thank god. I have already been called a Big A by my ex who was acting like a Big B which of course lead to the Big D. A Big C would complete the set, but I managed to dodge that bullet! Although that was on the table for awhile.

 

In a nutshell, it is a repiratory issue that makes me sensitive to certain things which happen to be present in my line of work. It is life threatening and my father passed from the same thing quickly and without warning so i'm a little tweaked about it. It is controllable now that it has been discovered, but working out treatment has been trial and error which has lead to some bad days recently and some permanent damage.

 

Thanks for the post Gunny, as usual, just the right message at just the right time. I am doing what i can to get healthy but unfortunately that leaves me with a lot of down time to think and my mind still wanders back to her sometimes. Not nearly as often as it used to though, and I'm finding new things and new people to occupy my thoughts and my time.

Little victories!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.

 

I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.

 

Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.

 

AK, your going to be OK, but it's going to take some will! I mentioned little victories above. On another thread awhile back, I mentioned that to another LSer and it seemed to help. Go out everyday looking for a little victory. Eat somewhere you used to frequent together by yourself, do something she didn't like, hell, leave the toilet seat up! It gives you power, gives you back your life, at least for a little while. My wife hated country music, I never listened to it around her. One day I just said F**K IT and while cleaning up the house, I put my favorite CDs in and turned it up til you could hear it down the block. That was a little victory but for that time, I was living FOR ME and not WITHOUT HER! Put down the bottle and go find something to do for you and only you. Drinking is not the answer, I took a rare moment last night, but I wanted it, I didn't need it. If the bottle is the only way you cope, then it's time to try something else.

TOJAZ

 

Have you tried just not caring what she thinks of anything anymore? It really is possible. Believe it! Like a tap...turn it off. You are 8 months in now, time to stop dwelling on her and think about the future, without her in it. Think of happy life experiences that are yours for the taking when you free your mind of her. She ain't paying rent to live in your head, so boot her out. Who cares if she has her hat n gloves? Those kinda thoughts are mental tojaz. I know, been there, done that and the best possible thing to do, for you, is never talk to her again, cut off all communication. She is way too negative but that is her business, nothing to do with you anymore. You must start thinking positive thoughts. You will recover physically...you're a big, strong tough guy. You will recover mentally if you set your mind to it. It takes work. You can do it. You are almost there.

Thanks H&D and I have tried not caring, but I'm not wired that way, not for anyone, not just her. Most of the time my mind is clear, and the hat and gloves were stupid, but thats been me, trying to be the partner I wanted to be for 13 years. I knew it was dumb as I was doing it, but instinct is hard to break. She is to negative and thats up to her to fix for herself, and I also realize that i don't want her in my life as she is now. Just got stuck on lingering thoughts, I'll make it though.

TOJAZ

Edited November 7, 2009 by tojaz