pohlcat Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 My wife told me she no longer loves me after 22 years of marrage. I really love her, never cheeted or abused her. We have two beautiful children, growing up quick. We became very stale in our relationship about 2 years ago and has been heading south. We just started councling by my request, but she really does not want to go. but she is, she swears there is no one else,I think I belive her. Can someone fall back in love with you again, after telling you she has no feelings for you. I am not hard on the eyes and am in great shape. I make a good living and great provider. I dont want to lose my family:rolleyes:
Lizzie60 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Hum... btdt... I was exactly where your W is.. with my first ex.. after 18 years together.. I just didn't love him anymore.. I never cheated..but I didn't want sex with him anymore... I fantasized a lot about other men.. He was good looking, good shape, we had everything.. but I just didn't love him anymore.. to be honest.. just to hear him breathe would get on my nerves... it was that bad.. Will it come back.. sorry... but I don't think so... counselling will not help.. you're wasting your money IMO... the 'love' is gone.. it's been replaced by 'friendship"... My advice: you either 'accept' that she doesn't love you anymore and live together like 'roomates' for the sake of the children (not sure if you have any) or to keep your lifestyle.. family and friends.... it's up to you... My ex has now been with a much younger woman for about 8-9 years now.. she's about 20-something younger.. and they're happy... from what I know. We've always kept in touch.. we had a son together.. I know it's not easy for you.. but think hard before you make any decisions.. she might be 'happy' just the way it is between you... she might NOT want to cheat.. it,s up to you.. seriously to have a good talk with her.. and decide from there..
The Midnight Rider Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Questions for you (Sorry bud, you want answers? They'll have to be questions.)... Did she communicate this to you during a fight or just out of the blue? Does she seem despondent or depressed? Is she spending more time alone or without you? Does she work outside of the home? Do you have any young children? Do you have any children living at home? How old and how many? Were you high school sweethearts? Has she started menopause? Is your job a high pressure job or does it require long hours? Are you two affectionate? Do you make love? How often? When you do, does she initiate? Have you turned her down for sex or turned away when she tries to kiss you/hold you? Does she orgasm? Are you a strong, quiet type or more of an extrovert?
mem11363 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 If you answer some of the questions below - we might be able to help you. We never got quite to where you are - but we did have a rough spot for about 2 years where my lovely wife was not physically into me. It was a weight problem partially - and an edginess problem - not enough edge - too passive. Too thin and too passive - killed her desire for me. I fixed both problems and like magic - she warmed back up. Background on you would help though. Not enough info to comment yet. My wife told me she no longer loves me after 22 years of marrage. I really love her, never cheeted or abused her. We have two beautiful children, growing up quick. We became very stale in our relationship about 2 years ago and has been heading south. We just started councling by my request, but she really does not want to go. but she is, she swears there is no one else,I think I belive her. Can someone fall back in love with you again, after telling you she has no feelings for you. I am not hard on the eyes and am in great shape. I make a good living and great provider. I dont want to lose my family:rolleyes:
Author pohlcat Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 We have 2 children 11 and 16 girls, We met at 22 years old we are 3 months apart. We used to have good sex about once a week last 6 months every other week, now 0. I thought it was good but i am a man, sometimes she would takeover the wheel and go for it so i think she enjoyed it too:confused: She did have an emergency historectomy about two years back, after that she did have some weight issues, she wouldnt were anything sexy like she used to to get the blood flowing, she has lost alot of the weight not all, she looks beautiful as she ever has, She has been struggling with employment, hit and miss jobs. she has been on unemployment the past 6 months, she found a new job but it seems to consume her, she loves it but i feel ignored, morgage lending so she picks her own hours. I totally support her in her work. I am a very outgoing person, not quiet and not loud. My wife gives me smiles and laughs with me from time to time i guess on her good days, they are genuine smiles and laughs, I just cant get it to continue. I believe their may be hope, but dont know how to win her back:love:
mem11363 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Step 1: Totally eliminate the possibility of an EA/PA. Until you do that, you are wasting your time. If she is having an EA or PA this might or might not be salvageable. Are you willing to do that? That is the most common trigger of the - not in love with you line. What is your job and how much do you contribute to the household income? Are you the primary breadwinner or is she? We have 2 children 11 and 16 girls, We met at 22 years old we are 3 months apart. We used to have good sex about once a week last 6 months every other week, now 0. I thought it was good but i am a man, sometimes she would takeover the wheel and go for it so i think she enjoyed it too:confused: She did have an emergency historectomy about two years back, after that she did have some weight issues, she wouldnt were anything sexy like she used to to get the blood flowing, she has lost alot of the weight not all, she looks beautiful as she ever has, She has been struggling with employment, hit and miss jobs. she has been on unemployment the past 6 months, she found a new job but it seems to consume her, she loves it but i feel ignored, morgage lending so she picks her own hours. I totally support her in her work. I am a very outgoing person, not quiet and not loud. My wife gives me smiles and laughs with me from time to time i guess on her good days, they are genuine smiles and laughs, I just cant get it to continue. I believe their may be hope, but dont know how to win her back:love:
2sunny Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 start paying more attention to what she's doing... i believe she's interested in someone else. all the signs are there. most likely someone at her new job. i'd bet money on it - so start digging. let us know what you find... how we can help once you know the truth.
Author pohlcat Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I do earn most of the money. She also contributes
lkjh Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 New job, losing weight, and no longer in love all spells out EA/PA EA= emotional affair PA= physical affair
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 second why is it always the women who "fall out of love"??? This is getting really old to read... Thirdly ignore Lizzie.... She has a one tack mind and mantra that it there to scare every married man.....
TimH Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 second why is it always the women who "fall out of love"??? This is getting really old to read... Thirdly ignore Lizzie.... She has a one tack mind and mantra that it there to scare every married man..... Not sure why its the women more often.Just read today somewhere online where 59% of woman said they would leave their man if they were financially secured.What the He** is happening out there??
mem11363 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 The signs are that she is. You need to check her cell phone - and you need to try and find if she has a second phone you don't even know about. And you need to put a keylogger on the computers she uses. A voice activated tape recorder in the right part of the house might do it as well. I only tell you this because until you know for certain if she is having an affair you have NO IDEA what you are dealing with. I do earn most of the money. She also contributes
asireen Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 My ex has now been with a much younger woman for about 8-9 years now.. she's about 20-something younger.. and they're happy... from what I know. Nice implied suggestion. It is very easy to get younger girls, and I don't mean becoming a sugar daddy. This is the internet age, very easy. You love her, she does not, what's the point being on a one-way street? Go out and have an affair, don't rub it in, and when the kids are grown, either call it quits or remain in a 'marriage of convenience'
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 second why is it always the women who "fall out of love"??? This is getting really old to read... Thirdly ignore Lizzie.... She has a one tack mind and mantra that it there to scare every married man..... Ha.. stroke a nerve.. I am just posting from my personal experience.. and it's very similar to her and many.. many.. many other women... I don't know if she is having an affair.. I wasn't... but I was fantasizing about other men.. I also know lots of married women who have fell out of love with their H.. they just stay because they are married (how stupid) and because it's convenient (financially, for family's sake)... but they absolutely DO NOT feel anything for their H... I am NOT here to scare every married man.. but if they get scared..it's because they know I'm right.. and it could be scary.. Oh.. got to think of it.. maybe his W is alcoholic... therefore the loss of libido.. oh.. and I don't know who's one track mind..
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Nice implied suggestion. It is very easy to get younger girls, and I don't mean becoming a sugar daddy. This is the internet age, very easy. You love her, she does not, what's the point being on a one-way street? Go out and have an affair, don't rub it in, and when the kids are grown, either call it quits or remain in a 'marriage of convenience' Yes it is much easier now days.. but in my 'ex' case, it wasn't the Internet.. I don't know how they met.. but he never bought a computer.. he is NOT an Internet person.. never has.. I agree he has 2 choices, either stay (convenience) or leave and start all over again.. (which is NOT easy)..
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 (edited) Ha.. stroke a nerve.. I am just posting from my personal experience.. and it's very similar to her and many.. many.. many other women... I don't know if she is having an affair.. I wasn't... but I was fantasizing about other men.. I also know lots of married women who have fell out of love with their H.. they just stay because they are married (how stupid) and because it's convenient (financially, for family's sake)... but they absolutely DO NOT feel anything for their H... I am NOT here to scare every married man.. but if they get scared..it's because they know I'm right.. and it could be scary.. Oh.. got to think of it.. maybe his W is alcoholic... therefore the loss of libido.. oh.. and I don't know who's one track mind.. A # of posters here have one track minds... Be it to talk about sexless marriages (I will freely admit my part here), talk about the nasty repercussions of affairs, cheating spouses and to dump them and leave, to post about lousy husbands and wives.... You Lizzie basically tell people here that your wives will eventually "fall out of love", though often not necessarily their fault and fantasize about about other men, sex will become a chore and if they face up to it will leave you and discover their sexual identity.... You paint a sad picture that we (men) have absolutely no choice about this, that our spouses if honest, will admit that is what they are thinking, and it will happen..... Not once have you stated a single positive option or what a man can do to prevent it (as if we are responsible). Basically you tell us to accept it because it will blindside us eventually..... Edited November 8, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic
Author pohlcat Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 Lizzie I like your picture too. I guess you have no young children in your home, I do and I think a family is very important to them. I told my wife we can stay in counciling until after the holidays and if nothing changes between us I will not fight her on our seperation. I really need to see if we can be fixed.
2sunny Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 have you read anything the other posters wrote? please take action on the suggestions here... there is info you need to find out and sticking your head in the sand isn't going to help you. get busy, chop chop!
mem11363 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I do believe that Lizzie is correct - there seems to be some physiological difference between the sexes and one side effect of that appears to be that the woman commonly loses her sexual desire for the man. You seem to be living this very situation - granted not to the full extent - but close enough to drive you half crazy. I read something interesting the other day - excerpt from a book about why women have sex. Said that if the man is helpful around the house and the woman sees him as being a good partner = turn on. However if she sees him as doing it to be submissive = turn off. You think your wife sees you sending her on a solo vacation as an act of kindness from an equal partner? Or do you think she quietly smiles while thinking that so long as she keeps you half out of your mind with sex deprivation you will keep desperately throwing money, trips, gifts, flowers, housework, romantic dinners and anything else you can think of her way - in a futile attempt to get her to love you the way you want to be loved. Funny thing is TDP - even though I think many/maybe the majority of these situations are not fixable some of them are. And when we read about the occasional success story there are some common patterns. And they sure don't revolve around ever more elaborate and expensive ass kissing. Stop being mean to Lizzie because you aren't getting laid very often. A # of posters here have one track minds... Be it to talk about sexless marriages (I will freely admit my part here), talk about the nasty repercussions of affairs, cheating spouses and to dump them and leave, to post about lousy husbands and wives.... You Lizzie basically tell people here that your wives will eventually "fall out of love", though often not necessarily their fault and fantasize about about other men, sex will become a chore and if they face up to it will leave you and discover their sexual identity.... You paint a sad picture that we (men) have absolutely no choice about this, that our spouses if honest, will admit that is what they are thinking, and it will happen..... Not once have you stated a single positive option or what a man can do to prevent it (as if we are responsible). Basically you tell us to accept it because it will blindside us eventually.....
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 A # of posters here have one track minds... And that would include you.. You Lizzie basically tell people here that your wives will eventually "fall out of love", I am basically telling people that you cannot stay 'in love' all your life.. with ANYONE... passion goes and sometimes love goes with it.. it's a fine line.. an extremely fine line.. and yes.. from a lot of women, I've heard that sex WAS a chore after so many years (I'm not taking 2-3 years here...I'm talking about 10+ years, depending on people)... and it's no one's faut.. it's just like that.. it's life.. You paint a sad picture that we (men) have absolutely no choice about this, that our spouses if honest, will admit that is what they are thinking, and it will happen..... Absolutely... men have NO choice... and I am absolutely sure that IF your spouses were honest.. they would tell you that there is NO more love.. only 'friendship' but methink they will NEVER admit it.. knowing their H would not take it well... Not once have you stated a single positive option or what a man can do to prevent it (as if we are responsible). Basically you tell us to accept it because it will blindside us eventually.... To be totally honest.. there is NOTHING you can do... when love is gone.. it's tone... it will not come back... I don't care how much counselling, fighting, arguing, gifting, house working you do... it IS GONE... What cause this.. I don't know.. what cause women to lose their sexual desire for their spouse.. it could be so many reasons.. and sometimes .. we can't even find a reason.. it's a slow process.. it doesn't happen overnight.. for some reason, men keep that desire most of their life.. and sometimes they still have to get it outside.. they NEED sex.. period.. NOT women.. (with the same man)..
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Lizzie I like your picture too. I guess you have no young children in your home, I do and I think a family is very important to them. I told my wife we can stay in counciling until after the holidays and if nothing changes between us I will not fight her on our seperation. I really need to see if we can be fixed. Thank you... No I don't have young children at home.. and I agree.. family is extremely important.. but to be honest with you.. counselling will NOT do anything for you.. trust me.. it won't.. but if everything else is good between you.. then you can stay for the kids' sake.. not sure how you can handle that.. you will definitely need to make a choice.. live with her knowing she doesn't love you like she used to.. or live without her...
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Funny thing is TDP - even though I think many/maybe the majority of these situations are not fixable some of them are. Very few... I agree.. very few..... in my book, once the sexual desire/love is gone.. it's gone.. Stop being mean to Lizzie because you aren't getting laid very often.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 How friggin sad that you keeping flogging this theory and cackling at these poor sad males who are screwed and it is all over for them and they refuse to read the writing on the wall.... Hey congrats you have mem11363 on your side and he of all people, though he of all people does have sex, but seems to do as much if not more grovelling then many to get it.....
asireen Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 How friggin sad that you keeping flogging this theory and cackling at these poor sad males who are screwed and it is all over for them and they refuse to read the writing on the wall.... Those men are certainly wimps who try getting love from their wives who are out of love with them. They should get real and move on, the only exception being having young children. There are thousands of women to choose from, why keep going after the one that does not give a damn. Or they could waste the one life they have running after her in futility.
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