I'm new and in need of a place to vent...

[carhill]

Never Carhill. Honestly. I joined last week (Fri I think?) and have started 2 threads - this one and another entitled, "confession....scared". I have only been ann09.

OK; the reason I asked was because there was information appearing that I could not find in this thread. Here is a link, per LS guidelines, to that information:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208952/

 

It's generally easier for respondents if all the pertinent information is kept in one place. I'll read the other thread. Thanks

[ann09]

What makes him so special? Is he taller, younger, older? Athletic?

Successful? Life of the Party? Is he a wine drinker? Or good Scotch? Does he have any kids?

 

What kind of work can you do? If you have to work 5 jobs, when will you have time to see him? Or is he going to help, so you only have to work 2 jobs. What kind of financial obligations is he going to have to his first wife. Do your kids like him? Will he be able to act the part of a step father. Will he be helping around the house?

 

If he is you true love, soul mate. Tell us about him

 

 

Gallon

 

 

Have you ever just known?

[plowman]

Ann sorry for the tone of my reply and for inappropriate comment, I have been on roller coaster and having a bad day. Your husband will have many of these.I was going to write a reply about all the reasons you should give your husband another chance, but it would be futile. I see as everyone must have known there is an OM and this would be like asking a heroin addict to just say no.you are in the fog and nothing will change your mind. let the heartache begin. I only wish I could watch this relationship of yours crash and burn from here. you "just know" this is a good man, that would take up with married woman with a family, and be party to tearing it apart. nice choice, or maybe you dont want a good man why would you, you had one. Doesn`t that show you the problem is with YOU and YOU could fix it if you wanted to, but sadly you don`t If you have any feeling for your husband refer him here he`s gonna need it

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wait!!!! SO THERE IS ANOTHER MAN!!!!

 

WTF IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

 

I thought you was different ann, your just like all those other women on that OW/OM board that wants to leave for someone else. It's sad and pathetic.

[Meatballsmom]

I am a long time lurker to the LS boards, this is the first time that I have ever felt the need to post.

Why has nobody noted that she is rewriting her marriage, she is telling only half truths. She is lost in the fog of her new affair.

First she never loved her husband, later she claims she fell out of love with her husband.

First she claims that until she met her husband she had only been involved with bad boys. Her husband was the first nice man she dated. Later she admits that she had been in love once before, prior to meeting her husband. But his was not a bad boy.

Her husband is controlling: He talked her into getting her own bank account, he encouraged to stop spending money and saving.

She tried counseling but it had no effect. But note the timeline, she was already involved with the other man. When the cheating spouse is still involved with the other person, counseling is doomed to failure.

She vomited after her last intimacy with her husband. That is not surprising she had already given her body and heart to the other man.

About the only thing she has ever mentioned about her children is that she has 3 of them. She has never mentioned how they are handling this breakup

 

Ann09: I have known many women who have broken up the family to pursue a life with their new true love. In almost every case, the children turned on them. Some were neighbors and other I have and still work with. You are playing Russian Roulette with 5 bullets. You do not want to walk in their shoes. The new man might be exciting and full of passion. Whether it wears off or not does not matter. As sure as the sun will come up tomorrow you will lose the respect and love of your children. Please for your sake, dump this man yesterday. They are going to be confused enough as it is and you expect your children to easily accept you new lover, the one who helped you destroy their family. Your children will never accept him. I agree you marriage is pretty much over. You still have a chance to save your future with your children and your future grand chilren, however the clock is ticking and you might never have this chance again.

I have heard the falling out of love with my husband story before, ladies love outlaws, and they chased outlaws. Outlaws are so exciting, the sex is fantastic. The truth is they have spent all of their life being a nice girl, and afraid to let the inner bad girl out. They did no want their husbands to think of them as a slut. They had to maintain the good mother image. It is not that the new man is that much better between the sheets. The truth is that they were able to let their libido run free. They let the slut out and do things with him that you they could have and should have tried with their husband. Within a short time they found themselves alone. In every case.

You describe your husband as decent, smart, great father, success driven, provided you with a good home, and a wonderful life. How long do you think this man will stay available on the open market? You say you want him to find happiness with somebody else. You say that now. Someday the fog will clear, and someday you will see him happy with somebody new. You think that you are hurting now, the hurt you will experience after the day will never go away.

You have been a stay at home mom. And now claim that you are willing to work 3 jobs and later 5 jobs to keep your kids. Foggy notion

Edited November 13, 2009 by Meatballsmom

[plowman]

meatballsmom Bravo!! awesome post. maybe she will listen and wake up. I sure hope so

Edited November 13, 2009 by plowman
put in wrong thing

[ann09]

I am listening. I am hearing you.

[JaneDoe35]

I am listening. I am hearing you.

 

What do you think Ann? What will you do?

[ann09]

I'm so confused in my life. I keep waking up in the morning feeling like I am waking up in someone else's life. (Btw, H knows about OM now).

 

I spoke to my mother the other day (she doesn't know about A) and she cried to me and said this is so uncharacteristic of me. And it is. I have always done the right thing. Always. As I step back and look at my life as it is now I can only shake my head and think "how did I get here?"

 

My brother suggested I go away alone for a few days. Gain clarity. Not talk to anyone but be alone with my thoughts.

 

I have to be honest with myself, I do know that. The rest, I don't know.

[JaneDoe35]

I'm so confused in my life. I keep waking up in the morning feeling like I am waking up in someone else's life. (Btw, H knows about OM now).

 

I spoke to my mother the other day (she doesn't know about A) and she cried to me and said this is so uncharacteristic of me. And it is. I have always done the right thing. Always. As I step back and look at my life as it is now I can only shake my head and think "how did I get here?"

 

My brother suggested I go away alone for a few days. Gain clarity. Not talk to anyone but be alone with my thoughts.

 

I have to be honest with myself, I do know that. The rest, I don't know.

 

Ann, maybe some time away will help you. It must be devastating to see your mother upset.

 

Perhaps if you took some time apart from your husband without the OM - Oh I don't know what to say to you Ann!!! Because I have never felt this way before.

 

I am concerned for your husband and your children. But for you too - as this is such an ugly painful dilemma for anyone.

 

I think do what your brother says, but you should promise yourself not to talk to the OM for that time. Not sure if you are in contact presently.

 

Take care & good luck!!!

 

JD

[FeelingLonely98]

I think do what your brother says, but you should promise yourself not to talk to the OM for that time. Not sure if you are in contact presently.

 

Yes, all too often when one "goes away" to be "alone" the OM/OW is there or is in contact. That would only drive you further down this destructive path you are on. Make sure you are truly alone if you go away.

 

Better yet, stay home and REALLY start to work on your M to see if you can be hapopy enough to keep the family together, to see if you can be in love enough.

 

PEACE!

[giotto]

I read your other thread and I'm only going to say that you should do whatever you can to be happy... don't listen to other people. It's your life. You've made mistakes and there is no way back, but there is no point in staying and being miserable for the rest of your life. The children? They can blame you for not sticking it out or they will be happy to see you happy, at last. I don't understand why your husband doesn't let you go, why he doesn't accept it. What's the point? What is he trying to achieve? Yes, it hurts, but you can't change your feelings. Go now. You are still young and have all your life in front of you... you've waited enough....

[FeelingLonely98]

... there is no point in staying and being miserable for the rest of your life...

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe, just maybe, she would NOT be miserable if she REALLY tried to reconnect and repair the M. We do know the past, what we don't know is the future ...

ann: you do not KNOW if you will be "miserable" in your M if youd do not give it 100%, no 1000% of your efforts. GOOD LUCK. You need to try for the kids above all else.

~~~~~~~~~~~

gio: Your M had too big of a gap for you to repair. Doesn't mean all Ms are in the same boat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

PEACE!

[giotto]

~~~~~~~~~~~

gio: Your M had too big of a gap for you to repair. Doesn't mean all Ms are in the same boat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

PEACE!

 

I would say that vomiting after sex shows a big enough gap...

[carhill]

The nausea could have something to do with the concept of being unfaithful to the OM with the H. Emotional storm theory

[giotto]

The nausea could have something to do with the concept of being unfaithful to the OM with the H. Emotional storm theory

 

very imaginative, as usual, carhill...

[plowman]

I`m sure the nausea had EVERYTHING to do with being unfaithful to the OM

[carhill]

BTW, I see such indicators as positives. They indicate a modicum of reflection and self-examination at some basic level. With the proper guidance, recovery is possible, IMO.

[2.50 a gallon]

Ann

 

About 3 years after the breakup of my marriage I met Miss Right. I gave up my friends with benefits and began building a relationship. And then I met her older sister. She liked the same football and baseball teams that I liked, knew more about the players than I did, she knew what to watch for in a game, watching a game with her was a joy. Arguing which play should be called next. She also liked the outdoors, hiking, fly fishing, snow mobiling and water sking. We could talk for hours, we had so much to say, she was maybe the closest that I will ever come to in having a soul mate. A lasting memory is of her sitting on the bow of the family boat, in her two piece, sun glasses on staring off into the distance, (pondering her future, possibly with me) with the wind whisping her long hair into her face. She was one of the most beautiful women that I have ever met. I could have looked in to her eyes forever.

 

She was married with two kids, and my GF's sister. And even though I was well on the way to falling in love my GF, I had to walk away. That was worse than the break up of my marriage. My GF kept calling crying wanting to know what she had done to make me walk away. It never would have worked.

[ann09]

I am a long time lurker to the LS boards, this is the first time that I have ever felt the need to post.

Why has nobody noted that she is rewriting her marriage, she is telling only half truths. She is lost in the fog of her new affair.

First she never loved her husband, later she claims she fell out of love with her husband.

First she claims that until she met her husband she had only been involved with bad boys. Her husband was the first nice man she dated. Later she admits that she had been in love once before, prior to meeting her husband. But his was not a bad boy.

Her husband is controlling: He talked her into getting her own bank account, he encouraged to stop spending money and saving.

She tried counseling but it had no effect. But note the timeline, she was already involved with the other man. When the cheating spouse is still involved with the other person, counseling is doomed to failure.

She vomited after her last intimacy with her husband. That is not surprising she had already given her body and heart to the other man.

About the only thing she has ever mentioned about her children is that she has 3 of them. She has never mentioned how they are handling this breakup

 

Ann09: I have known many women who have broken up the family to pursue a life with their new true love. In almost every case, the children turned on them. Some were neighbors and other I have and still work with. You are playing Russian Roulette with 5 bullets. You do not want to walk in their shoes. The new man might be exciting and full of passion. Whether it wears off or not does not matter. As sure as the sun will come up tomorrow you will lose the respect and love of your children. Please for your sake, dump this man yesterday. They are going to be confused enough as it is and you expect your children to easily accept you new lover, the one who helped you destroy their family. Your children will never accept him. I agree you marriage is pretty much over. You still have a chance to save your future with your children and your future grand chilren, however the clock is ticking and you might never have this chance again.

I have heard the falling out of love with my husband story before, ladies love outlaws, and they chased outlaws. Outlaws are so exciting, the sex is fantastic. The truth is they have spent all of their life being a nice girl, and afraid to let the inner bad girl out. They did no want their husbands to think of them as a slut. They had to maintain the good mother image. It is not that the new man is that much better between the sheets. The truth is that they were able to let their libido run free. They let the slut out and do things with him that you they could have and should have tried with their husband. Within a short time they found themselves alone. In every case.

You describe your husband as decent, smart, great father, success driven, provided you with a good home, and a wonderful life. How long do you think this man will stay available on the open market? You say you want him to find happiness with somebody else. You say that now. Someday the fog will clear, and someday you will see him happy with somebody new. You think that you are hurting now, the hurt you will experience after the day will never go away.

You have been a stay at home mom. And now claim that you are willing to work 3 jobs and later 5 jobs to keep your kids. Foggy notion

 

 

 

First of all, this OM is not an outlaw or a "bad guy". Not getting into him further because honestly, I can't look into a future with him right now. This is about me and my husband. I have tried VERY hard to make this work. In fact I feel like my entire marriage has been hard work and I am just tired of trying and working. And crying in the bathroom everyday - drying my eyes and putting on a smile for everyone else. I am exhausted at being miserable.

I want nothing more than to see my H happy with someone one day. I dream about that. I have hurt him to his core and shaken his life more than I ever imagined all 5'3 of me could. I have damaged every fiber of his soul. Trust me, I hate myself for that. I hope to God one day someone can love him better than I ever could. The hardest part about this is I can't point my finger at him. He doesn't deserve this pain. I am wracked with guilt over it. It keeps me up at night - it's led me to this forum - I am not sure where to vent these days. I am still going to therapy to figure all this out. This is nothing I ever saw happening to me. Please read my other thread. It's probably more informative.

[ann09]

Ann

 

About 3 years after the breakup of my marriage I met Miss Right. I gave up my friends with benefits and began building a relationship. And then I met her older sister. She liked the same football and baseball teams that I liked, knew more about the players than I did, she knew what to watch for in a game, watching a game with her was a joy. Arguing which play should be called next. She also liked the outdoors, hiking, fly fishing, snow mobiling and water sking. We could talk for hours, we had so much to say, she was maybe the closest that I will ever come to in having a soul mate. A lasting memory is of her sitting on the bow of the family boat, in her two piece, sun glasses on staring off into the distance, (pondering her future, possibly with me) with the wind whisping her long hair into her face. She was one of the most beautiful women that I have ever met. I could have looked in to her eyes forever.

 

She was married with two kids, and my GF's sister. And even though I was well on the way to falling in love my GF, I had to walk away. That was worse than the break up of my marriage. My GF kept calling crying wanting to know what she had done to make me walk away. It never would have worked.

 

 

 

I know I sound like a love struck teenager and not a 40 yr old woman here. but here goes anyway....

 

This other man. I have had a constant nagging in my soul for most of my life. That there was someone out there I was supposed to meet and be with. I hoped when I got married it was my husband. I was dismayed when that "nag" didn't disappear. I shooed it off and told myself to grow up. This was a good man I married and had his **** together. I counted myself blessed. But holy **** that damn nag never left.

 

When I met this OM, it was like everything fell into place. I can't explain that feeling. My mom always told me when I met "the one" I would know. I always laughed at that. But when I met him I thought.....wow she was right. I fought it tooth and nail. Walked away. He did too. We both kept coming back. All of a sudden it didn't matter what I was doing - as long as I was with him I was whole. I know - dramatic and dreamy - blah blah blah. It's not about sex or how "cute" he is. It's way beyond that. And again, I feel foolish typing this here because if I waas reading it I would say "grow up stupid".

 

but I have taken him out of the equation. Very realistically I will not be with him in the future. I am not the type to bring in another man - I know what that would do to my kids. I am first and foremost a mother andI take that role very seriously. Even without this OM in my life, I would still be sad and lonely and lacking something. It's been there for so long - way before I met OM.

 

I have to leave and almost dread coming home later to read the replies to this one. But I can handle it. I do a lot worse to myself.

[HeavenOrHell]

YES! I was with him for 18 years until I neglected him, he was the love of my life.

 

 

Have you ever just known?

[HeavenOrHell]

If you love someone you don't rape them, Ann said in the other thread that her husband raped her. Why are so many of you ignoring that?

 

And why do so many of you want her to remain miserable?

 

 

Been here, felt this. It's such an unbalanced situation. He loves her, loves his children, is the best dad and husband he can be. She "married to young".

 

So..... he's gonna be left holding the bag. 14+ years wasted. Trust, maybe impossible for life. Good work Ann09. You are young enough you might be able to do it to someone else if you hurry......

 

Walk away Wives, the scourge of the 21st Century. Another Change You Can Believe In.

[ann09]

Rape is such a strong word. I struggle with that one. I have buried that night - hasn't resurfaced in years. YEARS. I struggle because I worry maybe I am searching for excuses. I even told him that this is so hard for me because he IS such a good guy - if he wasn't, wouldn't this be so much easier for poor little me??

 

But I will never forget that night. I could have screamed - shouted - but I did nothing. So I never felt like I was justified in dealing with it. After all, he's my husband.

[ann09]

If you love someone you don't rape them, Ann said in the other thread that her husband raped her. Why are so many of you ignoring that?

 

And why do so many of you want her to remain miserable?

 

 

I think it's not so much they want me to be miserable - but that it's easier to choose sides with the "good guy" in all this. Hey I probably would too. What I have done is wrong on every level. I can justify it any way I want. But it's still how I feel. And I wish I could feel differently. I have never struggled and felt such angst in all my life. I truly believe everyone here wants whats best for everyone - and working me working on my marriage would be a more positive thing than just coming here and saying "I don't love my husband, and I am in love with another man".

 

But honestly, I am too saddened to think of my life still in this situation years down the road. My biggest worry is ruining my kids. I can deal with everything - but that is the one thing that keeps me up every single night.

 

Btw, thanks for your support.