I'm new and in need of a place to vent...

[LonelyTiger]

I think I have a slightly different understanding of the situation Ann is in here and I think some are being a little harsh.

 

Obviously, I could be wrong, because we don't yet know the full story, but what I'm reading is that she has NEVER been physically attracted to her husband. If that is the case then the 'smell' thing makes perfect sense AND would explain the interest in another man (should that be the situation).

 

By the way, just to make it clear, if there is cheating going on here I DO NOT condone it and even the 'smell' thing doesn't excuse it but, I suspect if there is another man involved, it's still just at the attraction level and nothing has actually happened yet. At least I'm giving Ann the benefit of the doubt here and hoping that's what's going on.

 

My own take on this is that she married somebody she thought was a 'suitable match' and she married for security because that is what she needed at that time in her life. Why she felt that way is probably a whole other story. She has since then, grown and changed, as we all do and realised that an imortant part of who she is, is being ignored and denied expression.

 

Human beings cannot be happy unless they are true to who they are and this is the really tough choice that she now has. To find happiness for herself and turn the life of her husband and children upside down OR stay forever unhappy and dissatisfied just to keep her family together.

 

Ann, I hope you've managed to get some sleep. You clearly care a great deal about how your decision will affect others, and I know this situation you are in must be very tough for you.

 

When I was younger, before I married, I got involved in a very serious relationship with a man i wasn't attracted to. He was a very good man, very loving, kind and gentle. He loved me and I loved him. Fortunately, I realised that this 'safe' relationship would never make me happy and I could never commit myself to him. I was always looking at other men! Maybe that rings a bell for you?

 

If you are able to share your full story it may help us to understand the situation better, although if there is another man involved you will find a lot of people are less than sympathetic. So be prepared.

[2.50 a gallon]

No bitterness here. Not more than 15 minutes ago I got an unsolicitated "I Love You", which brought the total for the day up to about half a dozen. And I have been hearing them for the past 13 plus years. We've been together for over 14 years. And I know I am one of the lucky ones and appreciate each and every ILY I hear.

 

Yep, I was married and divorced. I had to listen to the double talk, 1 kiss, "You're not loving enough", 2nd kiss "You're too controlling", also "I need space", "We're so different", "You don't do enough around the house", "I don't love you" and "I never loved you"

 

I caught her kissing an OM, kicked her out, and within a month she was back crying how much she loved me, I'm so sorry, second chances. etc. Luckily we did not have any kids so I was able to walk away and never see her again.

 

I was a player before I married her and went straight back to dating for the next decade until 14 years ago when cupid nailed me and have been in love ever since.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am not a social worker, but this is from personal observation

 

In almost every divorce that I know of the kids resented the parent who walked away. And in many cases once the child reached adulthood,

rejected the walk away parent.

 

Starting with my own family. My sister married my best friend, after I married and moved out of state, my XBIL walked away and eventually married the OW. They had two daughters, and shared custody. Both of my nieces rejected their father as soon as they reached adulthood. The oldest married and had a boy and a girl.

 

The youngest niece finally married this summer, age 35 plus, college grad, good career. She had plenty of offers, but never trusted men, it took her present husband 3 years of dating before she tied the knot. At the urging of her new husband she invited her father to the wedding, he wanted to meet her father. She had not seen nor cared to see her father for well over 10 years.

 

At the reception, I was seated with my XBIL and spent several hours going back over our youth. He has hardly seen his grandkids at all. The last time he had seen his grandaughter was when she was christened at age 6 months, she is now 13. He did not know that his grandson who is now a senior in high school was a starter on his high school football team. He had never seen him play. He virtually know nothing about his grandkids growing up

[2.50 a gallon]

At the last apartment complex I lived in there was this elderly lady the kids called Grandma M. You could tell she was a looker in her youth. She had a one of the last converatibles to come out of Detroit, that she took great care off. She had a pure bred poodle and she was always dressed so elegantly when she took the dog for its walk. She had been a fixture at the apartment for a good 10 years before I moved in and in fact had been one of the first tenents when the complex first opened. She had a one bedroom, and for the few who were invited in it had some nice expensive furniture. But most of the space in the apartment was filled from ceiling to floor with moving boxes. On one wall she had a few picture blown up of her son and two daughter and their kids. She explained that they lived out of state, and the one daughter lived in Europe. They never visited but she always took off in the summer to visit them. But she was always back in time for the opening of school. Her favorite past time was to sit on her patio and talk to the school kids as they came home from school

 

I had lived there about 5 years when I went to watch a Little League Allstar game at the school about a block away. By luck I ran across an old high school friend and his Mexican mom, who still remembered me. A great lady, her tamales were to die for, and if you were lucky you were invited to their place on tamale night about a week before Christmas. I was more than glad to see him as the last I had heard was that he had been shipped off to Vietnam, 30 years previous. As it turns out one of his grandsons was playing on one of the teams, between the rooting for the kids we caught up on old times.

 

Grandma M had been out shopping and he noticed her drive by. I was shocked to hear him say to his mother something along the lines of Whore M.

 

The rest of the story: Grandma M was his biological mother, she had fallen out of love with his dad, dumped him for her richer boss. She got partial custody, but the rich man did not want anything to do with her rug rats, so she ended up abandoning my friend and his two sisters. Without the second pay check of the mother the father had busted his a$$ to feed the kids, working 2 and 3 jobs. He had died 20 years previous, and the kids thought that he had worked himself to death. There was no foregiveness for the Wh*re, his words. The Mexican mother that I knew was his step mom. The picture of Grandma M grandkids were his and his sisters. Each year one of the siblings would send her a card with a family picture in it for Christmas. These she blew up and put on the wall. Only his oldest sister had moved out of state, the rest of the family still lived in the same city. Grandma M did not know where any of her sons and daughters lived. She had never seen any of her grand kids, much less her great grand kids. She never knew that one of her great grand sons was playing little league baseball a block away from where she lived. She passed away last month, never knowing that she had a 1 year old great great granddaughter who had been born less than two miles away from where she lived.

[ann09]

Wow. I will be back today to try to clear everything up with my story. Just taking me some courage to do so. It just isn't easy.

 

thanks for taking all that time to write to me. I don't feel like I deserve to have taken that time from any of you. I have read every word.

 

Lots to absorb - I will be back.

[Texsun65]

It sounds to me like you marride for the wrong reasons, but you married hium anyway. Now your bad decisions are going to affect everyone. Whatever happend to the idea of owning up and standing up to one's commitments. It appears you married him for his potential as a provider to you and your family. It also appears he has lived up to that potential.

 

It seesm to me that once you married him, the decision is made. You shouldn't have married him otherwise. Once married, you or any other spouse, should have thrown every ounce of your love and support nehind him and never waivered or doubted your own commitment. This is how it once was and how it should be today. This is part of what is wrong with our society. This man has likely worked and slaved to give you and your kids all that you have and now you are going to dump all over him. It disgusts me! Your life has been so well provided for that you have had all of this time to sit around and conjour up reasons for your unhappiness. Get over it!

 

So now, you have rationalized and justified what everyone else (husband, kids, family) is going to have to pay for what you have admitted was your mistake. I do find it wrong. You should have learned to love and support this man with all of your heart as opposed to find the reasons to not love him.

 

From what I hear, this man is a good provider, a good father, does not abuse you or your kids, is not a drinker or a druggie. The one complaint is that he is controlling. I would have to hear more about that to have a better understanding. But, short of physical or drastic mental abuse, I cannot see your problem. You are bored. Familiarity has bread contempt, but it could just as easily bread love and respect. It is a choice and you have made yours. I am certain my words will not matter, but I put them on display here in this forum as a protest vote to all of you who leave your marriages and turn on your significant other without any justifiable reason with the exception of your own seflish and narcisistic pursuits.

[Texsun65]

To sum up my last post, you got exactly what you wanted by marrying this guy and now you have decided you don't want it.

 

 

It's always one of two things. One gets married to someone for reasons like yours and then they get bored with their own decision and move on.

 

The other is they get married and then try to change their spouse to suit themselves. Sometimes the spouse changes, yet the struggle erodes the marriage. Other times, the spouse never changes and the other one is angry that they spouse never changed. Of course, it is their fault for not changing, not the fact that the person should have never tried to change them in the first place. The bottom line is there is always a rational "reason" for the divorce that makes sense to the one doing the divorcing, but short of infidelity, abuse, and a very short list of other reasons, none is adequate.

[ann09]

To sum up my last post, you got exactly what you wanted by marrying this guy and now you have decided you don't want it.

 

 

It's always one of two things. One gets married to someone for reasons like yours and then they get bored with their own decision and move on.

 

The other is they get married and then try to change their spouse to suit themselves. Sometimes the spouse changes, yet the struggle erodes the marriage. Other times, the spouse never changes and the other one is angry that they spouse never changed. Of course, it is their fault for not changing, not the fact that the person should have never tried to change them in the first place. The bottom line is there is always a rational "reason" for the divorce that makes sense to the one doing the divorcing, but short of infidelity, abuse, and a very short list of other reasons, none is adequate.

 

 

You are right, I probably DID marry for the wrong reasons, but at the time I thought they were right. I really did. I wanted a life with him and envisioned happily ever after. I have given this marriage my all - put all those nagging doubts to the side. Put up with a lot - grown up a lot. Now I do find myself unhappy - and resentful. So you recommend sticking it out because he's a good provider and in essence has done nothing wrong to me? So it would only be ok if he hit me or cheated on me? What about growing apart? That doesn't happen in your eyes? People don't change?

 

I hear what you're saying - believe me. I read each word and it does give me great insight - along with the fact that I am very appreciative you took the time to write them. Maybe I can't justify my reasons for wanting to end my marriage. But don't you think if I stay married and am miserably unhappy - no matter how much I try to fake it - isn't that unfair to him??? He even told me he doesn't want a fake wife. SHouldn't I give him the space to find someone he deserves??

[giotto]

obviously you still haven't gathered the courage to tell us the whole story... I appreciate that. It's difficult, but without further details it will be problematic to give you any advice...

[plowman]

Ann I am in the same boat as your husband, and I`m sure he doesn1t realize it now but you`re right he does deserve better than you.You may think you "gave your all" to this marriage, but you didn`t if you did you would have told him when you first started having these feelings,so maybe he could have done something about it. If he didn`t then that would be his fault.love and attraction are not the only reasons to stay married, yeah they need to be there, but after 14 yrs and 3 kids there are peaks and valleys. If you`re puking after having sex with a good man who loves you that says a lot about you. How are you gonna feel when youi`re giving the "bad boy" who couldn`t give a rats azz about your kids a bj and hes thiking about his next conquest. you are spoiled you have too much time to think about your happiness and are probably watching too much tv. God forbid you or your kids had an accident or a serious illness then all this would fade to the background, and you would see what a great man you`ve got.not like the loser I`m sure you`ll end up with, then you`ll really know what love is and what it isn`t. you`re in love with a fantasy and you`re able to do that because he has taken such good care of you. grow the f@#$ up or let this poor man get on with his grieving and get a real woman

[TimH]

It sounds to me like you marride for the wrong reasons, but you married hium anyway. Now your bad decisions are going to affect everyone. Whatever happend to the idea of owning up and standing up to one's commitments. It appears you married him for his potential as a provider to you and your family. It also appears he has lived up to that potential.

 

It seesm to me that once you married him, the decision is made. You shouldn't have married him otherwise. Once married, you or any other spouse, should have thrown every ounce of your love and support nehind him and never waivered or doubted your own commitment. This is how it once was and how it should be today. This is part of what is wrong with our society. This man has likely worked and slaved to give you and your kids all that you have and now you are going to dump all over him. It disgusts me! Your life has been so well provided for that you have had all of this time to sit around and conjour up reasons for your unhappiness. Get over it!

 

So now, you have rationalized and justified what everyone else (husband, kids, family) is going to have to pay for what you have admitted was your mistake. I do find it wrong. You should have learned to love and support this man with all of your heart as opposed to find the reasons to not love him.

 

From what I hear, this man is a good provider, a good father, does not abuse you or your kids, is not a drinker or a druggie. The one complaint is that he is controlling. I would have to hear more about that to have a better understanding. But, short of physical or drastic mental abuse, I cannot see your problem. You are bored. Familiarity has bread contempt, but it could just as easily bread love and respect. It is a choice and you have made yours. I am certain my words will not matter, but I put them on display here in this forum as a protest vote to all of you who leave your marriages and turn on your significant other without any justifiable reason with the exception of your own seflish and narcisistic pursuits.

 

 

#1 This is EXACTLY how I feel.The sad part is,this exact thing is happening within tons of marriages.I am curious what marriage will look like in a hundred years,cause clearly it has become non-meaningful,non committal, 1-sided,self-only etc.It cant continue to remain a union of Man and Wife as is.Finally I was reading another site where someone posted,the only good chance a Man has to remain married in America is to find a foreign women (not sure what countries) that havnt been ruined,spoiled,self serving like the American woman has.

Edited November 11, 2009 by TimH

[ann09]

#1 This is EXACTLY how I feel.The sad part is,this exact thing is happening within tons of marriages.I am curious what marriage will look like in a hundred years,cause clearly it has become non-meaningful,non committal, 1-sided,self-only etc.It cant continue to remain a union of Man and Wife as is.Finally I was reading another site where someone posted,the only good chance a Man has to remain married in America is to find a foreign women (not sure what countries) that havnt been ruined,spoiled,self serving like the American woman has.

 

 

Tim,

I respect what you're saying. I do. And I believe in marriage - and when I said my wedding vows I meant them - and truly never saw myself here today.

But the past generations stayed in marriages even when incredibly miserable - does that make it right? And foreign women??? So American men should marry women that can barely speak their language and will be "stuck" here as their slaves??? Really?? This is how you truly feel??

I would rather be a strong woman and take control of my life than do what past generations of women did and stay unhappy, die unhappy - all for the sake of their husband's happiness. Doesn't jive with me. Sorry.

[ann09]

Ann I am in the same boat as your husband, and I`m sure he doesn1t realize it now but you`re right he does deserve better than you.You may think you "gave your all" to this marriage, but you didn`t if you did you would have told him when you first started having these feelings,so maybe he could have done something about it. If he didn`t then that would be his fault.love and attraction are not the only reasons to stay married, yeah they need to be there, but after 14 yrs and 3 kids there are peaks and valleys. If you`re puking after having sex with a good man who loves you that says a lot about you. How are you gonna feel when youi`re giving the "bad boy" who couldn`t give a rats azz about your kids a bj and hes thiking about his next conquest. you are spoiled you have too much time to think about your happiness and are probably watching too much tv. God forbid you or your kids had an accident or a serious illness then all this would fade to the background, and you would see what a great man you`ve got.not like the loser I`m sure you`ll end up with, then you`ll really know what love is and what it isn`t. you`re in love with a fantasy and you`re able to do that because he has taken such good care of you. grow the f@#$ up or let this poor man get on with his grieving and get a real woman

 

Given what you're going through, I understand your anger towards me. And hell most of what you're throwing at me I probably deserve.

 

I do need to defend myself a little here. Hey I am human with feelings. I don't know about your ex-wife - but I am not one to sit around all day watching tv. I am not spoiled. I care about people. I am a wonderful mother. I cherish my family and friends.

 

Ok....so did I do a good job convincing you that I'm not all that bad? Yeah...I didn't think so. Anyway, my post about "puking after sex" wasn't meant to put him in a bad light - but meant to show how I felt after that last time we were intimate. I didn't intend for that to happen. But it did. Believe me, if I could love him wholly, I would. We are good partners when it comes to raising our kids. We have laughs together occasionally. We have mature, intellectual conversations. But my feelings for him have evolved - I have grown to love him in different ways than how a wife should love their husband.

 

Love and attraction are very important. I can't genuinely go over to him and kiss him on the mouth - hold him tight - cuddle with him. I can't explain why. I don't feel that way towards him - and it has nothing to do with any other man. (By the way, I took offense to that "bj" comment. No reason to get vulgar with me - you don't know me).

 

I can't explain my life in a post. I reread my words and they're vague and missing feeling. Hard to convey who I really am. I type the words "other man" and "I puked after sex" and I cringe. It isn't who I am - but I can't talk to you all or express myself here.

 

I wish you the best - I am sorry you were hurt. I know you hate women like me and I can't blame you. I hate myself often too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Let me guess ann it's all about your feelings, because, nothing else matters right. You only love him like a brother right, you dont love him the way a wife should, you think you should seperate?

 

Excuses. You have gave no one on this thread a credible and valid reason to end your marriage. All in all you just want out!

 

But dont blame him for your unhappiness! dont blame him for making you feel that way! you are in control of your feelings, be a woman and own it!

 

If you want a divorce then, give him the kids, move out and pay him child support since you want to end the marriage so badly. I mean it's only fair right? Why should he have to pay you child support and you end up with custody if you want to leave. Matter of fact why dont you split everything 50/50 with no child support or alimony! then and only then maybe you will realize how good you have had it.

 

Why do you want to struggle in your life? You havent done everything to save your family. You havent tried IC or MC or addressed the real reason your core is unhappy, it isnt because of him, the fault lies within you.

 

...Period!

[ann09]

Let me guess ann it's all about your feelings, because, nothing else matters right. You only love him like a brother right, you dont love him the way a wife should, you think you should seperate?

 

Excuses. You have gave no one on this thread a credible and valid reason to end your marriage. All in all you just want out!

 

But dont blame him for your unhappiness! dont blame him for making you feel that way! you are in control of your feelings, be a woman and own it!

 

If you want a divorce then, give him the kids, move out and pay him child support since you want to end the marriage so badly. I mean it's only fair right? Why should he have to pay you child support and you end up with custody if you want to leave. Matter of fact why dont you split everything 50/50 with no child support or alimony! then and only then maybe you will realize how good you have had it.

 

Why do you want to struggle in your life? You havent done everything to save your family. You havent tried IC or MC or addressed the real reason your core is unhappy, it isnt because of him, the fault lies within you.

 

 

 

...Period!

 

 

 

We have been in counseling for MONTHS. I have truly tried - and it only ends with him saying "I don't want a fake wife"

 

But you are right when you say I am being selfish. You are. I shouldn't blame him. This is me and my feelings - and I can't blame him.

 

I have done everything I can to save my family. Years of it. I have gone through my own therapy (and still do). Him and I have gone through therapy. You don't know how hard I have tried and how much I have "stayed" for the sake of him and my children.

 

I will never ask anything from him. We will both raise our children. I wouldn't expect him to give me everything since yes, I am the one that's ending this marriage.

But I will work 5 jobs if I have to- I will never leave my children.

[JLoves]

I'm having a hard time coping with my own breakup, but I know that my wife is feeling the exactly same way you are. I guess, you are not alone.

 

One of the last things she threw at me when I told her I wanted her to work on our marriage or leave was that the last 3 times we made love, after I went to sleep she cried herself to sleep. She said she made love to me because she knew I was making such a big effort to make things ok in our relationship. but ..

 

I felt pretty bad, but even more angry that again she didn't tell me about her real feelings.

 

All the 180's and counseling I/we have done over the past 9 months, yet still she doesn't feel she can talk to me.

 

It really was the last nail in the coffin, and as much as I want to reconcile with her, I keep thinking to myself.. Whats the point of continuing.

 

I want her back, I constantly regret what I did 2 days ago, but it couldn't go on the way it was.

 

Really, the ball is in her court.

 

I appreciate reading the other side of the coin, even though it hurts. I don't have anything to suggest. I've tried everything in my own relationship to make it work. I've run out of ideas and now I guess I've run out of chances.

 

I guess I do... Talk to him, tell him your feelings. MAKE him understand. I wish my wife had talked to me... really talked to me instead of backing down.

[ann09]

I'm having a hard time coping with my own breakup, but I know that my wife is feeling the exactly same way you are. I guess, you are not alone.

 

One of the last things she threw at me when I told her I wanted her to work on our marriage or leave was that the last 3 times we made love, after I went to sleep she cried herself to sleep. She said she made love to me because she knew I was making such a big effort to make things ok in our relationship. but ..

 

I felt pretty bad, but even more angry that again she didn't tell me about her real feelings.

 

All the 180's and counseling I/we have done over the past 9 months, yet still she doesn't feel she can talk to me.

 

 

It really was the last nail in the coffin, and as much as I want to reconcile with her, I keep thinking to myself.. Whats the point of continuing.

 

I want her back, I constantly regret what I did 2 days ago, but it couldn't go on the way it was.

 

Really, the ball is in her court.

 

I appreciate reading the other side of the coin, even though it hurts. I don't have anything to suggest. I've tried everything in my own relationship to make it work. I've run out of ideas and now I guess I've run out of chances.

 

I guess I do... Talk to him, tell him your feelings. MAKE him understand. I wish my wife had talked to me... really talked to me instead of backing down.

 

 

I do really talk to him. I have had some painful, horrible talks with him. It's so hard to see the hurt in his eyes. But he does get it - understands. He's just sad. And so am I. I will always love him - he is a big part of my life. A part of me will even miss him.

 

I am sorry you're hurting. So sad to hear. I wish you lots of strength to get through this.

[JLoves]

He's just sad. And so am I. I will always love him - he is a big part of my life. A part of me will even miss him.

I am sorry you're hurting. So sad to hear. I wish you lots of strength to get through this.

 

This is what I'm expecting when my wife comes over on Friday to have dinner with the kids. I'm gradually bracing myself for the 'I love you but it's finished. How can we settle this so the kids don't get hurt' talk.

 

I wish I had a good answer to that question. There's no way they won't feel hurt. And being the primary caregiver, I'll have to deal with all that.

 

Thanks for your kind words. It helps..

[hopesndreams]

You said in a past post that he was onto you again regarding an OM and that you were sh*t scared. What came of that? He had questioned you about it last year as well but you were able to talk yourself out of it?

 

I will have to disagree on the you love your H. If you did, you would stand by him, not cheat and keep trying to make the best of a not so happy situation, which btw, you are responsible for your own happiness, whether or not you leave him. By the sounds of it, you are going to leave him. Highly doubtful you will heed the advice of not running into the arms of your OM. You do need someone to care for you after all. You are a very dependent woman and I can garner that from what you have written. Yes, I have read every post and not just skimmed over them. The only way to truly be happy and free is to think for yourself, take care of yourself, in other words, have some independence.

 

I do, in a way, understand your feelings toward H. The rape incident, and yes, it was rape, that in itself would have been enough reason. My 1st H objectified me as well but he also physically and mentally abused me and I got out after 13 years of being with the monster. My 2nd H didn't hurt me sexually or physically but emotionally abused me with his A and after Dday. When I left my 1st H, I was thrilled with my freedom and had no regrets. He didn't deserve my love. That was my mindset. Telling yourself and others that you love your H, are just words, your actions tell otherwise.

[stillafool]

I have been doing a lot of research online about divorce, mediation, effects of divorce on kids etc and came across this forum. So nice to have so many questions answered in one spot.

 

I am 40 yrs old, been married for 14 years, 3 children - and not in love with my husband. He, on the other hand, loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Me, not so much.

 

It's a long, drawn out story and I am not sure where I would begin. So I will just wrap this up with saying, I don't have feelings of love for my husband even though he is a decent husband. We have a beautiful home and 3 beautiful kids. He works, I don't. I have everything I have ever wanted except the marriage I have always wanted. We have been in therapy for a long time - but I know my feelings for him will never change. He is saddened and hurt beyond belief.

 

I come from a family where no one gets divorced. You MAKE it work. My family knows my plight and is supportive yet devastated. My mom keeps telling me I need to make this work and not "destroy my family". My husband wants to do everything we can to stay together. Sadly, I love him like a brother - and I don't know too many people that want to sleep with their brothers.

 

There is more to my story but I feel so new here and not yet willing to disclose everything. Just wondering if there are any others out there that are in my situation. Where one is in love with the other - but the other just wants it to be over?

 

 

Have you met another man that you want to become involved with? Did you ever have romantic feelings toward your husband?

[carhill]

OP, I'd like for you to answer this honestly...

 

Have you posted on LS before with a different username?

[ann09]

Never Carhill. Honestly. I joined last week (Fri I think?) and have started 2 threads - this one and another entitled, "confession....scared". I have only been ann09.

[ann09]

Have you met another man that you want to become involved with? Did you ever have romantic feelings toward your husband?

 

 

I have another thread in here that I wrote after this one - coming clean on everything.

 

Sadly, I never had real romantic feelings toward my husband. But I didn't realize this until the last few years. I thought what him and I had was mature and what a real couple was supposed to have with eachother. We both have looked back and he will say (in therapy) how passionate it was and amazing. I look at him because I honestly don't remember it ever being that way.

[ann09]

You said in a past post that he was onto you again regarding an OM and that you were sh*t scared. What came of that? He had questioned you about it last year as well but you were able to talk yourself out of it?

 

I will have to disagree on the you love your H. If you did, you would stand by him, not cheat and keep trying to make the best of a not so happy situation, which btw, you are responsible for your own happiness, whether or not you leave him. By the sounds of it, you are going to leave him. Highly doubtful you will heed the advice of not running into the arms of your OM. You do need someone to care for you after all. You are a very dependent woman and I can garner that from what you have written. Yes, I have read every post and not just skimmed over them. The only way to truly be happy and free is to think for yourself, take care of yourself, in other words, have some independence.

 

I do, in a way, understand your feelings toward H. The rape incident, and yes, it was rape, that in itself would have been enough reason. My 1st H objectified me as well but he also physically and mentally abused me and I got out after 13 years of being with the monster. My 2nd H didn't hurt me sexually or physically but emotionally abused me with his A and after Dday. When I left my 1st H, I was thrilled with my freedom and had no regrets. He didn't deserve my love. That was my mindset. Telling yourself and others that you love your H, are just words, your actions tell otherwise.

 

 

You are very right in the fact that I am very dependent. I have never been without a man to "take care of me" and I am not meaning in a financial way. I mean I barely remember being without someone to lean on and love. I have felt empty the past 14 yrs because I have never felt that connection with my H. Hence running to another. Not saying it's right, far, far from it.

 

I do love my H. I have known him for most of my life. He is my children's father. We have lived together for 14+ yrs. We've been through a lot together. I care about him and worry about him. I know I do love him. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to stay married to them. People don't realize that not all divorces are horrible and ugly.

[2.50 a gallon]

What makes him so special? Is he taller, younger, older? Athletic?

Successful? Life of the Party? Is he a wine drinker? Or good Scotch? Does he have any kids?

 

What kind of work can you do? If you have to work 5 jobs, when will you have time to see him? Or is he going to help, so you only have to work 2 jobs. What kind of financial obligations is he going to have to his first wife. Do your kids like him? Will he be able to act the part of a step father. Will he be helping around the house?

 

If he is you true love, soul mate. Tell us about him

 

Gallon