I'm new and in need of a place to vent...

[carhill]

I'm not attracted to him physically - and over time I have realized I can't stand his "smell". Does this make sense?

 

RE: smell.... understand completely. It not really something you can quantify on an objective scale. You just 'know'. Having had the experience of both, I can readily and easily see (or rather smell) the difference. With one person, their smell is almost borderline offensive and with another, a potent aphrodisiac. I've noted this phenomenon with smells which ordinarily would be mildly offensive, like strong body or vaginal odors (obviously the reverse for you, wrt genitals).

 

My questions were more an invitation for reflection than a request for recitation or response. You sound like you've already made your decision and are looking for a place to release some of the emotion. That said, the questions resulted from our 14 months of work in MC and how we came to the realization of the hows and whys of our incompatibilities. That clarity certainly has helped me in the divorce process. I don't know if it helped my stbx. She does seem happier now, which is what I'm hearing from you; the desire to be happy and how this dynamic inhibits you and/or sucks the happiness out of you.

 

We don't have children, so I really know nothing of that reality (children and divorce) but can imagine the depth of your concern for their emotional well-being during this time.

 

One answer that could help me would be whether you were ever 'in love' with one of those 'bad guys' and, if so, in retrospect, do you feel you 'settled' for your current H? If so, those experiences may be adjunct to your attraction style and whether/how it is healthy for you. Obviously, you've changed in the interceding years. Time will tell how those changes have impacted you.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for

[ann09]

RE: smell.... understand completely. It not really something you can quantify on an objective scale. You just 'know'. Having had the experience of both, I can readily and easily see (or rather smell) the difference. With one person, their smell is almost borderline offensive and with another, a potent aphrodisiac. I've noted this phenomenon with smells which ordinarily would be mildly offensive, like strong body or vaginal odors (obviously the reverse for you, wrt genitals).

 

My questions were more an invitation for reflection than a request for recitation or response. You sound like you've already made your decision and are looking for a place to release some of the emotion. That said, the questions resulted from our 14 months of work in MC and how we came to the realization of the hows and whys of our incompatibilities. That clarity certainly has helped me in the divorce process. I don't know if it helped my stbx. She does seem happier now, which is what I'm hearing from you; the desire to be happy and how this dynamic inhibits you and/or sucks the happiness out of you.

 

We don't have children, so I really know nothing of that reality (children and divorce) but can imagine the depth of your concern for their emotional well-being during this time.

 

One answer that could help me would be whether you were ever 'in love' with one of those 'bad guys' and, if so, in retrospect, do you feel you 'settled' for your current H? If so, those experiences may be adjunct to your attraction style and whether/how it is healthy for you. Obviously, you've changed in the interceding years. Time will tell how those changes have impacted you.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for

 

 

I have been in love before. But looking back to when I was with my husband, I think I honestly felt not having all those "heady" feelings - the butterflies etc was a good thing. I felt like it was more mature - in fact it was almost business like. He took control and care of me. Made me open up a bank account - save money - stop spending. We bought our first house when everyone else was living in their parents basements or apartments. I felt like such a grown up! Looking back in retrospect, I wish we struggled a little - I wish we allowed ourselves to have more fun - be young and silly. But he isn't like that. I am. I let him mold me and make me who he wanted me to be.

 

Re the smell thing. I love that you know what I am talking about. It's such a strange phenomenom to me. I do find it offensive. And like I said, this is a clean man who takes very good care of himself. Even when I open my closet and smell his clothes I get repulsed. I don't mean to sound cruel - I would never tell him this - I do care about him and his feelings. He knows I don't find him attractive - but I have never said those words.

[ann09]

yes, it's a horrible thing. When we briefly separated, I just could not leave them and slept in my office in our house. I just could not break their hearts, despite what my friends were telling me... At least you are a bit younger than me! My youngest is 8, so in 10 years time, when she will be ready to flee the nest, I will be 56! You see, I just wish my wife told me 10 years ago, although there were already signs... But I decided to ignore them, or I just didn't want to see them. I think you did the right thing by telling him. My wife just waited too long, but I believe she didn't know for sure either and we had our problems. Also, she is the worst person ever at communicating...

 

Sadly, I feel like I sound like your wife. It kills me to hear you say you wish she told you 10 yrs earlier. I gave my husband lots of signs too. Looking back I wish I had just figured this out sooner. But I hadn't. We have watched old home movies from when the kids were babies. I look at myself and have no idea who that woman was. I don't recognize her. I wasn't happy and I wasn't caring about myself at all. It showed in my appearance and my demeanor.

 

I wish you the very best. my god like sucks sometimes doesn't it.

[giotto]

it sucks, indeed, but it's life. I've been blind, I'm afraid. My wife cares about me, but it's not how it used to be. She told me. We've had sex issues (big red flag), we've had communication issues, we've had depression, work problems, family problems. But I thought her love for me would always be there. She didn't know what was happening to her either. She swept everything under the carpet. We tried MC, but we failed. At the end, I decided to stay and it's my own decision. It's not great, but it's not too bad. I hope you can make the right decision too...

[tojaz]

Ann, I know this is very hard, but I tend to side with Lakeside and some of the rest here. My wife gave me a story very similar to yours and cut me to the bone. We were together for 13 years, only married for 2 though. Then it was, we have grown apart, were too different, I never loved you, etc. Brings tears to my eyes just to think about it! You've told us your side of things, but maybe you should take some insight into his. Take a look at my threads and see some of what he may be thinking. Click my name to the left, go to statistics, and then threads started. My story and The rest of my story would be good places to start.

 

The thing I see recurring in your posts are that he tries to make you happy, you say by buying you things and what not and that you say you have tried to surpress your feelings? Why? If your surpressing your feelings rather then sharing them with him, how would he know your unhappy? what your desires are? your wishes and dreams? How would he know that the "things" that he is trying to give you to help you be happy do not have the desired effect? Welcome to the end of MY marriage Ann, when the bomb dropped and she told me all the things I had "stopped" her from doing, they were all things she had never expressed to me to begin with. The only thing I ever actively tried to stop her from doing wad dating men while we were still married, at which I was unsuccessful.

 

Lots of things go on behind the scenes for both men and women, the true tragedy is when nobody bothers to ask.

 

She wanted to get her doctorate, I asked her to hold off...

behind the scenes, I was building a secret savings account so she could go to any school she chose, and I could go with her without being tied to a job.

 

She thought I didn't respect her work...

behind the scenes, Iwould often read her material and slip into her lectures whenever possible to watch her do her thing without being self conscious of my presence. I loved watching her work, it was where she thrived.

 

When she totaled her fun Jeep, she wanted another one rather then the practical and comfortable luxury car I suggested and honestly yes, pressured her into replacing it with.

behind the scenes, I bought that Jeep back and rebuilt it for her without her knowledge. Would have been her Christmas gift this year.

 

She felt I stressed too much on possesions.

not so much behind the scenes, but she failed to see that this only applied to her, anything that was to be for her was the best i could provide while I offered myself few luxuries. Even something she mentioned she would like in passing went on file or was there if I was able to provide it.

 

I understand that this is my story and not yours, and far be it for me to try and tell you how you feel or what is best for you, thats not my place or anyone elses. In my opinion though, I don't always believe who we love has to change, but how we want and need to be loved. Things that made you happy in the past may not work now, and things that work now may not make you happy in the future, but if you surpress or push your feelings aside rather then share them, then he is never going to know and can only do the best he can with the feedback you give him. Something i hope you consider before making a decision.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

WOW Tojaz! You sound like you were an amazing husband! I would love to meet someone like you who will treat me the way you treated your wife and cherish me the way you cherished your wife!!

[PWSX3]

Sorry I didn't read every post so if I'm saying the same thing as someone else I do apologize.

 

I read you have been to counseling & you have been to IC as well.

 

Not sure if you are a religious person or not, but have you thought of going to classes at a local church that deal with this subject? The church I go to has a class that is called Marriage on the rocks & I have heard very good results from it.

 

There are also Christian retreats that might be something to look into.

 

I understand that there is as many divorces in the church as out of the church so sometimes it doesn't help, but it would be worth a try.......

 

Like Gunny has said; your best chance for a lasting relationship is with your first one so might as well try everything you can to make that one work.

 

You will also find stories that people are better off after, you will find stories of people that wished they never got divorced after the divorce so it all comes down to how much do you want to work on the relationship?

 

How important was it to you to say; tell death do us part?

 

With my own situation and going to a Christian counselor I learned why I did things now was because of my past & some hurt I had back then....

[2.50 a gallon]

I see you avoided answering how you are going to support yourself.

 

Are you prepared to support yourself? Buy you own car, pay the insurance and up keep, pay your rent and your health insurance. And throw in some money to the kids college and wedding funds.

 

Or are you going to be asking the courts to force your husband to pay you alimony and support two households, and in so doing stealing from your kids college funds.

 

And if he does have to pay for you and your new place are you going to agree to having no males visiters, or is he going to have to pay for your love nest?

 

All because your loving husband doesn't smell good enough for you. Have you thought of getting him to try a different colgne, to replace the boring. hard working, loving husband smell?

 

Speaking of smells, I am getting a wiff of a bad boy OM smell.

[hopesndreams]

I see you avoided answering how you are going to support yourself.

 

Are you prepared to support yourself? Buy you own car, pay the insurance and up keep, pay your rent and your health insurance. And throw in some money to the kids college and wedding funds.

 

Or are you going to be asking the courts to force your husband to pay you alimony and support two households, and in so doing stealing from your kids college funds.

 

And if he does have to pay for you and your new place are you going to agree to having no males visiters, or is he going to have to pay for your love nest?

 

All because your loving husband doesn't smell good enough for you. Have you thought of getting him to try a different colgne, to replace the boring. hard working, loving husband smell?

 

Speaking of smells, I am getting a wiff of a bad boy OM smell.

 

Ann, have you in the past or present had someone else that turned your crank?

[ann09]

I see you avoided answering how you are going to support yourself.

 

Are you prepared to support yourself? Buy you own car, pay the insurance and up keep, pay your rent and your health insurance. And throw in some money to the kids college and wedding funds.

 

Or are you going to be asking the courts to force your husband to pay you alimony and support two households, and in so doing stealing from your kids college funds.

 

And if he does have to pay for you and your new place are you going to agree to having no males visiters, or is he going to have to pay for your love nest?

 

All because your loving husband doesn't smell good enough for you. Have you thought of getting him to try a different colgne, to replace the boring. hard working, loving husband smell?

 

Speaking of smells, I am getting a wiff of a bad boy OM smell.

 

 

Well, since him and I made the decision over a decade ago that he would be the one working while I would be the one staying home to take care of our house and our kids and pretty much everything - what we have together is both of ours. I do not intend for him to take care of me - but I do intend for him to take care of our children. If I have to get out there and get three jobs in order to be happy in my life, then that's what I will do. This isn't the bitter ugly divorce maybe you're used to hearing about. It's about finding happiness and recognizing when you've tried all too long.

 

His smell has nothing to do with cologne or anything of that nature. It's a chemistry thing. But you knew that already.

 

Lemme guess - you've been on the receiving end and just feel too much bitterness for women do ya? Because I have fallen out of love with my husband and want to stop living a lie and make my life better - well then I must be a bitch huh?? because I want my children to have respect for me and have a happier mother and not one that cries everyday - well again, I must be a horrible ugly bitch?

 

Yeah....you don't know me or my situation.

[ann09]

Ann, I know this is very hard, but I tend to side with Lakeside and some of the rest here. My wife gave me a story very similar to yours and cut me to the bone. We were together for 13 years, only married for 2 though. Then it was, we have grown apart, were too different, I never loved you, etc. Brings tears to my eyes just to think about it! You've told us your side of things, but maybe you should take some insight into his. Take a look at my threads and see some of what he may be thinking. Click my name to the left, go to statistics, and then threads started. My story and The rest of my story would be good places to start.

 

The thing I see recurring in your posts are that he tries to make you happy, you say by buying you things and what not and that you say you have tried to surpress your feelings? Why? If your surpressing your feelings rather then sharing them with him, how would he know your unhappy? what your desires are? your wishes and dreams? How would he know that the "things" that he is trying to give you to help you be happy do not have the desired effect? Welcome to the end of MY marriage Ann, when the bomb dropped and she told me all the things I had "stopped" her from doing, they were all things she had never expressed to me to begin with. The only thing I ever actively tried to stop her from doing wad dating men while we were still married, at which I was unsuccessful.

 

Lots of things go on behind the scenes for both men and women, the true tragedy is when nobody bothers to ask.

 

She wanted to get her doctorate, I asked her to hold off...

behind the scenes, I was building a secret savings account so she could go to any school she chose, and I could go with her without being tied to a job.

 

She thought I didn't respect her work...

behind the scenes, Iwould often read her material and slip into her lectures whenever possible to watch her do her thing without being self conscious of my presence. I loved watching her work, it was where she thrived.

 

When she totaled her fun Jeep, she wanted another one rather then the practical and comfortable luxury car I suggested and honestly yes, pressured her into replacing it with.

behind the scenes, I bought that Jeep back and rebuilt it for her without her knowledge. Would have been her Christmas gift this year.

 

She felt I stressed too much on possesions.

not so much behind the scenes, but she failed to see that this only applied to her, anything that was to be for her was the best i could provide while I offered myself few luxuries. Even something she mentioned she would like in passing went on file or was there if I was able to provide it.

 

I understand that this is my story and not yours, and far be it for me to try and tell you how you feel or what is best for you, thats not my place or anyone elses. In my opinion though, I don't always believe who we love has to change, but how we want and need to be loved. Things that made you happy in the past may not work now, and things that work now may not make you happy in the future, but if you surpress or push your feelings aside rather then share them, then he is never going to know and can only do the best he can with the feedback you give him. Something i hope you consider before making a decision.

TOJAZ

 

 

This does give me a lot to think about. Reading this post - I felt an awful tug at my heart. I have shared a lot with him how I feel - he knows and is willing to do anything he can to change it.

But my question is - if I don't feel any chemistry with him and I don't enjoy his company anymore and can't imagine being intimate with him ever (last time I involuntarily vomited - right afterwards without him knowing). Try to think of sleeping with your sister and tell me how that would feel. I love him almost like he was my brother. I care deeply about his well being - and just want to see him happy. He deserves better than what I am giving him. I feel like by letting him go he has the chance to find someone that can love him the right way.

I will read your other threads. Thank you. You sound like a wonderful man and I am so sorry you were hurt so badly. It's not fun for me to hurt someone I have built a life with. As much as I have shared with him how I feel, he thinks he can put a bandaid on this and I will heal. Ihave tried! Trust me I have tried.

[ann09]

Ann, have you in the past or present had someone else that turned your crank?

 

 

Before my husband, yes.

[carhill]

Speaking of smells, I am getting a wiff of a bad boy OM smell.

 

I was hoping the OP would identify if, in the past, that was a feature of her attraction style. She did state she has been 'in love' in the past, which I'll assume from her post was prior to meeting her H. Unfortunately, she didn't answer directly whether that person (or persons) was/were 'bad boys'. Her inferences with 'mature' and 'business-like' wrt her relationship with her husband to be cause me to assume so, but she hasn't directly stated that.

 

Alone, the smell thing is a relatively small factor, IMO. Combined with the rest, it becomes another 'reason' and/or 'justification' for the current emotional state. As the OP isn't really looking for solutions or a path, rather support for her vent, hopefully we've been supportive and perhaps given her some new things to consider as she weighs the very serious consequences of her coming decisions. In that endeavor, I wish her well

[ann09]

I was hoping the OP would identify if, in the past, that was a feature of her attraction style. She did state she has been 'in love' in the past, which I'll assume from her post was prior to meeting her H. Unfortunately, she didn't answer directly whether that person (or persons) was/were 'bad boys'. Her inferences with 'mature' and 'business-like' wrt her relationship with her husband to be cause me to assume so, but she hasn't directly stated that.

 

Alone, the smell thing is a relatively small factor, IMO. Combined with the rest, it becomes another 'reason' and/or 'justification' for the current emotional state. As the OP isn't really looking for solutions or a path, rather support for her vent, hopefully we've been supportive and perhaps given her some new things to consider as she weighs the very serious consequences of her coming decisions. In that endeavor, I wish her well

 

 

First off - thank you.

 

Secondly- I was in love with someone that wasn't a "bad guy".

And you are right, I am probably looking for justification for my wanting out of this marriage. If I was blissfully happy or didn't have so many issues going on - maybe the "smell" factor would be come minor.

 

I have just come here to vent and hear other's stories. But I will admit - even with the posts above that have angered me somewhat or made me defensive - it's all insightful and things I should be hearing. So I don't mean to get defensive or snap at anyone. Believe me, this is the most difficult time of my life and I am not enjoying one bit of it.

[carhill]

OK, have you considered exit therapy and mediation to resolve the upcoming marital 'business' issues in an amicable manner? If yes, have you communicated that to your H? If yes, what is his reaction?

 

Assuming you live in such a jurisdiction, you will have to 'sue' for divorce and take positive steps legally to effect that divorce. Are you ready for that? Have you and your H talked about it? My stbx filed a few weeks ago but we have been talking through the process for a good six months, settling out property situations relevant to the M and deciding how best to go through the process. If you started this process tomorrow, where would you see yourself along that path?

[LonelyTiger]

If I was blissfully happy or didn't have so many issues going on - maybe the "smell" factor would be come minor.

 

Obviously there is a lot more to the breakdown of your marriage than your husbands 'smell' BUT don't underestimate its importance.

 

It has been shown in scientific studies that women in particular are very strongly attracted or not by a man's scent. It's part of the sexual chemistry and is important in determining the strength of any offspring's immune system, as well as being an indicator of sexual satisfaction for the woman.

 

It is very, very sad that you seem to have been involved for so long with a man whom you are clearly not physically attracted to. Sad for you, for your husband and for your children.

 

Having been the one on the receiving end of the 'I want out' conversation, I would never condone ending a marriage if there is absolutely any way of saving it. However, from what you say, you will probably never be happy with your husband.

 

Only you can decide whether to give up your own happiness for the sake of your husband and children.

 

You are clearly in a horrible position and I do not envy you at all.

[PWSX3]

You said your H works & you are a stay at home mom. Do you get the time to spend with your lady friends? Does he get time to spend with his men friends?

 

Does he help around the house?

I was talking yesterday to a co-worker because me & my G/F were having some issues.

Like most of us, the H works & expects the W to do all the housework. Yes I was one of those guys, but I am learning.

What she shared with me was; I wished my H would have at least sat in the kitchen & talked with me while I cooked dinner or cleaned up instead of watching TV.

 

What was interesting about that is, last night I was helping the G/F in the kitchen & she also commented that she wished her ex would have spent time just talking with her, he didn't have to help (but she so much enjoys me helping cleaning up or even helping with the cooking) but just be there to talk with her.

 

I see this is important to woman & that just talking is very important. Us guys would rather make the money, come home & watch TV, but that isn't how it should be.

 

When is the last time you have gone out on a date, just the two of you? I do understand that in your heart you are done & just maybe looking for someone to say; oh it's o.k. but that is going to be your choice & no one else.

I just hope that maybe something I share would make you think different, maybe see something from another angle.

 

My W was the one that filed & I still believe that it is better to stay together then to divorce, but that all comes down to your choice.

 

There is also a movie out that just like everything else has pro's & con's, but it might be something you would like to check out, it's called; Fireproof.

[2sunny]

you mention that there is a lot that you aren't saying right now... does this include an interest in another man?

 

be honest! this is the only way for us to help...

[tojaz]

WOW Tojaz! You sound like you were an amazing husband! I would love to meet someone like you who will treat me the way you treated your wife and cherish me the way you cherished your wife!!

You know I'm available right? Recently divorced, easy pickins!

 

This does give me a lot to think about. Reading this post - I felt an awful tug at my heart. I have shared a lot with him how I feel - he knows and is willing to do anything he can to change it.

But my question is - if I don't feel any chemistry with him and I don't enjoy his company anymore and can't imagine being intimate with him ever (last time I involuntarily vomited - right afterwards without him knowing). Try to think of sleeping with your sister and tell me how that would feel. I love him almost like he was my brother. I care deeply about his well being - and just want to see him happy. He deserves better than what I am giving him. I feel like by letting him go he has the chance to find someone that can love him the right way.

I will read your other threads. Thank you. You sound like a wonderful man and I am so sorry you were hurt so badly. It's not fun for me to hurt someone I have built a life with. As much as I have shared with him how I feel, he thinks he can put a bandaid on this and I will heal. Ihave tried! Trust me I have tried.

 

The only person that can answer those questions is you, I've never been in that position. I do read a lot and know that chemistry, and attraction in marriage is fluid with its own peaks and valleys. If it's dead for you, then it's dead, but resentment and anger will spill over into every aspect of your marriage. You sound like a sensitive person with a good heart that would not rush into something like this and believe you sincerely don't want to hurt him. If you WANT, not think it possible, but WANT to salvage this then i think you owe it to yourself to educate yourself as much as possible on these things. Unfortunately, if the desire to save your marriage is already gone in you, then the marriage is already over.

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

the words you choose to type make me think you have an interest in another man.

 

these are sentences that we see here from a spouse that has found interest elsewhere... whether or not they have chosen to act upon it usually shows later - it just looks like this is the case here.

[carhill]

So, if we were to assume unrequited or unexpressed interest, how would our advice and/or perspective change? Beyond disclosure, unless this has been an issue for much of her M, the fog shouldn't have been that long-lived (years). I'm not sensing marital re-write here. Opinion?

 

OP, has there been any contact with the non bad guy with whom you genuinely felt 'in love' with many years ago?

[hopesndreams]

You bore this man 3 children. You've been a spoilt housewife for many years. You got bored with having it all. Now his smell is off-putting. Time to strike it out on your own. Good luck with that. Sorry if that comes off nasty but that is honestly what I read in your situation.

[ann09]

I will answer all these questions tomorrow. Drained and not having the best night here.

[giotto]

ann, despite my position (being at the receiving end), I do understand and I sympathize with you... from what I've read (the vomiting thing made me shiver), you are ready to exit. I like your honesty and I think your husband will appreciate it in the long run... maybe a strange thing to say now, but he will understand...

[tojaz]

the words you choose to type make me think you have an interest in another man.

 

these are sentences that we see here from a spouse that has found interest elsewhere... whether or not they have chosen to act upon it usually shows later - it just looks like this is the case here.

 

You bore this man 3 children. You've been a spoilt housewife for many years. You got bored with having it all. Now his smell is off-putting. Time to strike it out on your own. Good luck with that. Sorry if that comes off nasty but that is honestly what I read in your situation.

 

Come on now, thats reading an awful lot into Anns story. I agree that there is quite a bit more to this story then shes telling, but that is her right and think it best not to speculate too much. While all the stories seem the same here, they are all very unique to the point wher it is unfair to assume anything based on past threads. Certain patterns obviously exist, but there is no rule. ANN, please if your willing tell us the rest of your story so we can better help you.

TOJAZ