Teuto Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I dumped my girlfriend about six weeks ago mainly because I have a health issue and was finding the relationship too much strain. She said she "wanted to be friends" but I had my doubts as I felt I could not cope with it. I said we needed NC for the forseeable future and maybe, just maybe we could eventually be friends. She eventually agreed but broke it after just three days, using the parking space reserved for people who live in my apartment block without my permission. She apologised when I complained to her about it (forcing me to break NC) and rather wilfully said she wouldn't do it again if it upset me (like she had the right!) Basically I cannot shake her off and perhaps that is because part of me does not want to. The stalker-ish behaviour has eased off and she is showing restraint, to her credit. But she keeps texting me and trying to keep up contact and wants a "****buddy" scenario. I have resisted that because I am not sure I can deal with the emotional complexity. I also think that someone will eventually get hurt, that we might slide back together, that it sets the breaking up process back to square one. I also feel she just wants to use me to tide her over until she gets someone else, when she will punish and hurt me with relish. Moreover it is hard for me to see her because of my guilty feelings. I also feel I am lumbered with being the sensible one - she can afford to not to face up to the difficult choices because she knows I will. She then gets to be the poor victim. She seems to need to be morally right all the time and that is hard on me as it means I get to be morally wrong. We did get back together once before and she immediately started pushing me away, playing a lot of games and really messing up my head. I think it was because she thought was going to go out with another guy and she was trying to manipulate me into dumping her so she could move on and still smell of roses. I WOULD LIKE for it to be possible to be friends and constantly rejecting her is immensely stressful for me. I am very stressed, exhausted and confused. I also feel very guilty because of dumping her and she feeds that. I am suffering a lot of anxiety and periodic sleepless nights which are putting me in a real downward spiral. Just to add to the woes, noisy roadworks outside my apartment this week have been making me even more stressed. I am on a emotional rollercoaster, switching rapidly from "how I am ever going to get rid of her" to missing her when she seems to be leaving me alone. I don't know where I am and cannot process because I am afraid it will get undone and I will have to do it all again. I have blocked some means of contact, but not all. I could do more though, but am not sure it is necessary to change my mobile phone number and it is very inconvenient. I am lonely and depressed and in a bad way all round. I want the pain of this situation to go away as fast as possible. Sorry if this is a bit fuzzy but I am really tired as I type this. I want to escape from this emotional "worst of all worlds" limbo. NC is probably the way to go, but I also need closure. There are many many things that I want and need to say to her as communication about feelings was so poor during the relationship, but I am worried that expressing these things just prolongs the agony. Her clinginess has turned this break-up into sheer hell when It could have been much less painful and it is dragging me right down. Should I be honest about all the feelings in my heart before I finally move on or is it just going to make things worse? I think she doesn't understand because I have never explained a lot of things. She doesn't seem to realise how much I am suffering either.
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