lilacmuse Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Hi everyone, I am new here, and in desperate need of advice. I have been married to my amazing husband for 6 months now. We are both 28, so not too young, and dated for 3 1/2 years before becoming engaged, and were engaged for almost 2 years. So it's not like we just jumped into getting married. I love my husband dearly, and have been so happy - until recently. There was this guy that I was friends with from the time I was 15-years-old. We were friends for years, and always kinda had feelings for one another but the timing was always off for us. One night, several years ago, we ended up hooking up, then decided shortly afterwards that it wasn't going to work out for us. Later that year I began dating my husband, and forgot about said guy, and fell deeply in love with my hubby. This guy and I eventually ended up losing contact and haven't seen each other in years. Then a few weeks ago, he found me on Facebook, and something inside of me lit up. I was so excited to hear from him and have not been able to stop thinking of him since. We haven't talked on the phone or anything, only online a few times, and very brief. But thoughts of him and I run vivid in my mind. I can't stop thinking about him, and even worse, feel like I am even longing for his prescence. It's starting to eat away at me inside. I have this wonderful husband at home and all I can think about is this other guy! I've even contemplated contacting him to meet up and hang out. I dream of kissing him, or him holding me. Then in another sense, I miss our past friendship. He was such a great friend. But I don't even know what happened to us, other than sleeping together ruined a friendship. I feel so damn guilty for all of these emotions I am experiencing. I just got married to the man who is the love of my life, and 6 months in I'm fantasizing about someone else! It's frustrating to feel this way, and I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. I am mostly afraid that if given the opportunity, I may even act on my impulses. I keep telling myself that I wouldn't, but I don't know what I'd really do. I feel like a horrible wife. And this guy isn't even a part of my life, I guess talking to him online brought back old feelings that I thought had gone away. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a cheater. I want to get this guy out of my head and focus on my new life with my husband. I have no idea what to do to eliminate these feelings and urges. Any serious answers would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Thanks.
Meaplus3 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 You need to end the friendship and fast. Mea:)
Author lilacmuse Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Well see, that's the thing... we aren't even actively talking, not in person, on the phone or online. We only talked briefly about 2 weeks ago and it was more so a catch up thing. I just have all of these thoughts about him popping up in my head. It's like an affair taking place in my head. But I don't want it to be there! If that makes any sense.
Author lilacmuse Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I should also add that I confided in one of my girlfriends about these feelings I have been experiencing and she keeps telling me that it's normal, but I think she is messed up in her head for telling me that. This is not normal, or at least it shouldn't be. Part of me thinks that she is encouraging me to feel this way because she had an affair earlier this year on her husband, and might be trying to convince me to act on it to make herself feel better.
FreezorBurn Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 If you hook up and cheat on your husband. I promisses you… your fantasy of this guy will not live up to the real meeting with him. Also is it worth the risk of Divorce? Honestly this sounds like the actions of a giggling high school girl or a rock band groupie and not of an intelligent women. Your married grow up already. I swear divorce lawyers must have stock in Face Book.
Gabriele Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Oh my god........stop it!!!! you love your husband......you had a 'crush/infatuation/friendship.....not a life with this guy. Unless you want to end your marriage, don't think about contacting him, in my opinion even a phone call would be cheating, continuing to keep in contact with him over facebook (emails, messages) is cheating, and it's cheating because of how you feel about him. just cut it off. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.. you sound like a good person, don't go to the dark side, don't hurt the man you love, or your morality. If you feel now like your marriage was a mistake, then end it or go to some counseling. The first 2 years of marriage are statically 'not good', don't give up. Or maybe seek a counsellor for yourself just to go over what you are feeling now, work through it, get some 'healthy' perspective! I agree that your friend is kinda not the best person to get advice from! good-luck Gabriele
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Tell this guy that you are married and while it was nice to hear from him, it would be best to not keep intouch anymore. Then delete him off of your facebook. How would you feel if your H was doing this with one of his ex's? Anyway, if you continue this, you're going to ruin what you have with your husband. End it now, you haven't invested much (yet) and you can quickly get over the rush of feelings this guy makes you feel. It's all ego related too. Only TROUBLE can come of this so I really hope you take everyone's advice and say goodbye to this guy.
eeyore1981 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I've had crushes and infatuations, but 3 times in my life I had true love. Guy #1 was my first love, and I could write a tragic romantic novel about our relationship. We were very young, but we were also deeply in love with each other, it just didn't work out. Just like you said in your post, you hooked up back in the day, and for the two of you, it didn't work out. I was 15/16 during this relationship, and I am now 45. 30 years have passed, and I still have love in my heart for this guy. If I were to see him today, I know my heart would skip a beat or two, and I know I would have him on my mind for a little while, but the one thing I would also remember is we tried, and it didn't work out. You are obsessing on a lost love, and yeah, it is normal up to a point. You are going down the 'what if' road, but that's a fantasy. 'What if' what? What if you got together? You did get together, and it didn't work. Remember? Maybe now the reasons seem silly or whatever, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is at that time, the reasons were good enough for the two of you to go your separate ways and move on with your life. And you have moved on with your life, remember? Step back. If it was as great as you are now thinking it was, you would still be with him, and you are not. Don't throw away the good life you have now because you are looking at the past with rose-colored glasses.
Bryanp Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 You have been married only 6 months to your amazing husband. How would you feel if your husband was mentally doing to you what you are doing to him? How would you feel if your husband was wanting to kiss and hang out with another woman? It is a shame that your amazing husband is not with an amazine wife.
misternoname Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Simple answer...block him from Facebook and never look back. Seriously...is he worth the temptation?
mareile Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a cheater. I want to get this guy out of my head and focus on my new life with my husband. I have no idea what to do to eliminate these feelings and urges. Any serious answers would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Thanks. Hi, Yes, I have experienced this same thing. When I read your post I thought how this could have been me a month ago. What you need to do is make a decision. The two choices are: 1) your husband, or 2) the other guy. It starts and ends in the mind. I chose my husband and within days the overpowering feelings i was having subsided, and they soon petered down to nothing by a couple more weeks. Of course backing off or having no contact is essential. Now, my love and energy are focused on my husband, but even in a much stronger way than before. As you did, I found LS and posted here about it when the internal conflict was just so overwhelming - so I think that your deciding to get help is a first step in breaking the power the EA has over you right now. The fact that you want, as you have stated, to get this out of your head and focus on your husband, are also very positive signs that you will overcome this. Edited November 7, 2009 by mareile
jwi71 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Infatuation is a wonderful thing isn't it. We all feel, married or not. THAT is NORMAL. ACTING on it IS NOT. I suspect your H has no clue this guy is back. And that you have been contacting him. So, tell your H. Tell him he is back and you two exchanged emails. Tell him this guy is a former lover. Then ask your H if its ok that you reignite your friendship with him. Should he say yes, then every communication with your former lover is in the open...he calls and you two talk...you inform your H. You meet your friend for lunch, ask your H along. He says no then he's smart. You immediately inform this guy that your H is NOT comfortable with him and there can be NO more contact. Then block him. I had ZERO problems telling the woman I'm dating that she is NOT allowed to see or talk with any xBF. Same goes for me. If I have contact with the xW (we have kids so impossible to go NC with her completely) I immediately inform her. Its not jealousy. Its smart.
Boundary Problem Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 One night, several years ago, we ended up hooking up, then decided shortly afterwards that it wasn't going to work out for us. Thanks. I think you are in love with the idea of him liking you and chasing you. - to feed your ego - maybe? Plus it is within months of marriage that people feel a bit like they are "locked in", so you are a bit vulnerable right now. Coming down from the wedding euphoria - it is a way to feel the heat of attention. When you were both mutually available to each other, you didn't want him. Marriage can be repetitive, maybe you miss being chased. Is there a way to make things more playful with your husband? Life is often too serious when we are in our middle years.
Gabriele Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 So lilacmuse, have you checked back here.......? what are your thoughts, how are you proceeding?
2sure Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Certainly it is difficult sometimes to control our thoughts even when we dont like them and have no intention of acting on them. But a good realistic start would be to never have contact with this guy from the past again. You simply have to ask yourself which is more important...your need to satisfy your curiosity about your thoughts or your marriage and the rest of your life? Pick one, because you cannot have both.
road Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 You need to go NC, no contact, with the OM. Block him from facebook, and any other way from him contacting you. Problem is you remember the high he gave you but forgot the pain he caused you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I should also add that I confided in one of my girlfriends about these feelings I have been experiencing and she keeps telling me that it's normal, but I think she is messed up in her head for telling me that. This is not normal, or at least it shouldn't be. Part of me thinks that she is encouraging me to feel this way because she had an affair earlier this year on her husband, and might be trying to convince me to act on it to make herself feel better. Whoah, who needs friends like that? I'd stop talking to both of them. Your marriage is relatively new... the paint hasn't even dried and your fantasizing about someone else. Do you have commitment fears? I think you should sit down and talk to a professional about this. Not that your messed up in the head, it's just I think this whole thing is all about you and your marriage... the other guy is really meaningless here. You need to get in touch with what your afraid of.
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