Lost&Found Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Why do exes, who already crushed your heart for no good reason, become so mean and uncaring after they do so? My ex came by last night to get her stuff and I brought it out to the car for her. She asked me to come sit inside with her so I did. She was very nice and talked to me like we were still together, even held my hand. I felt pretty good that night, sent her an email link I thought would be of help to her (she has been having emotional/hormonal imbalances and it was a link of women talking about the same problems she has been having). She sent me a reply that she knows her symptoms, that I don't, and that she won't even bother to look at the link and that I am arrogant for suggesting she would. I was only trying to be helpful! She had some more choice words for me the next day, saying I am the mean one. Why do they get this way? She was always sweet and caring before, though she did have a temper and got pretty emotionally abusive toward me at times. Is she just trying to justify herself breaking up with me by focusing on every negative thing she can think of and just keep herself from feeling any remorse over the breakup? Do all exes who initiated a break up act this way?
axisdenied Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 The problem here is probably an improper assessment of the level of interaction your ex wishes to have with you now that the relationship has ended. Perhaps she thought it was rude because she didn't ask for your help with her emotional problems first. Is everybody 'mean' after a breakup? no, not necessarily. Once a relationship ends both parties should reassess their boundaries if they are to remain in contact and stick to them. I have an ex who I needed to ax from my life completely because he thought he was entitled to answers to very personal questions about my life, given that we had been so close before. He might tell you that was 'mean.' In my head, though, it was just necessary to remind him that our relationship was no longer that intimate.
bluestraps Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Love and hate are not opposites, indifference is ! She probably is hurting too . Once she does'nt care either way that's when you know its over. Also Why is she holding your hand ? that must be a good sign. Also Ive learned this the hard way . Dont try to fix or help her Just be there for her and listen and hold her hand give her a hug. And reasure her .Us guys like to fix everything. And usualy we dont know what were doing. Maybe you can make up.
Ariadne Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Sounds like she is more annoyed at you than anything, and that email just pissed her off. (She probably thought you were trying to put the moves on her). Is kind of when you don't like the person anymore and any little thing they do annoys you. I don't think it's too much love or remorse.
Exit Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Also Ive learned this the hard way . Dont try to fix or help her Just be there for her and listen and hold her hand give her a hug. And reasure her .Us guys like to fix everything. And usualy we dont know what were doing. Yup, I learned this the hard way as well. When your guy buddies come to you and tell you a big long story about a problem they're having, once they finish, they're sitting there waiting for your opinion and advice. That's not how it goes with the ladies. They just want you to listen and care. They don't want you to fix all their problems for them, as if they are incapable of handling it themselves. Unless they specifically ask for help, don't go volunteering yourself. And I'm sure this is only magnified by the fact that you two are broken up now, she really isn't looking for your help. I made this mistake constantly, my ex would tell me how much she hated school, how the classes were getting an uneven amount of attention from teachers, etc, and I would tell her what to do, I'd even offer to come to school with her and talk to the director and discuss some of these issues.... it's not what they want though.
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 She was very nice and talked to me like we were still together, even held my hand. I felt pretty good that night, sent her an email link I thought would be of help to her (she has been having emotional/hormonal imbalances and it was a link of women talking about the same problems she has been having).OP, can you decipher why, after such a pleasant exchange, you would feel the need to send her a link having to do with hormonal imbalances? I mean, from reading the first part of the quoted portion, it sounds like things were pretty balanced, comparatively. She was always sweet and caring before, though she did have a temper and got pretty emotionally abusive toward me at times.How does this mesh with how she treats you now? Are you seeing some parallels? Going through a divorce, I can empathize with some of what you've shared. I can also see how my perceptions of 'mean and uncaring' are predicated upon the intimacy which was shared prior. Even polite indifference can seem 'mean and uncaring' in comparison. Fortunately, my stbx has not sent any sort of mixed signals. It's all business with her
GrayClouds Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Why do exes, who already crushed your heart for no good reason, become so mean and uncaring after they do so? My ex came by last night to get her stuff and I brought it out to the car for her. She asked me to come sit inside with her so I did. She was very nice and talked to me like we were still together, even held my hand. I felt pretty good that night, sent her an email link I thought would be of help to her (she has been having emotional/hormonal imbalances and it was a link of women talking about the same problems she has been having). She sent me a reply that she knows her symptoms, that I don't, and that she won't even bother to look at the link and that I am arrogant for suggesting she would. I was only trying to be helpful! She had some more choice words for me the next day, saying I am the mean one. Why do they get this way? She was always sweet and caring before, though she did have a temper and got pretty emotionally abusive toward me at times. Is she just trying to justify herself breaking up with me by focusing on every negative thing she can think of and just keep herself from feeling any remorse over the breakup? Do all exes who initiated a break up act this way? i suspect your the type of guy who trys hard to be helpful,thoughful and caring. In the relationship you ofen help her with her problems. Over time she saw this not as helpful but controlling and belittling and your sending the link reminded her of that fact. This is why No Contact means no contact, after the break up you can win for losing.
photobooth Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Why do exes, who already crushed your heart for no good reason, become so mean and uncaring after they do so? My ex came by last night to get her stuff and I brought it out to the car for her. She asked me to come sit inside with her so I did. She was very nice and talked to me like we were still together, even held my hand. I felt pretty good that night, sent her an email link I thought would be of help to her (she has been having emotional/hormonal imbalances and it was a link of women talking about the same problems she has been having). She sent me a reply that she knows her symptoms, that I don't, and that she won't even bother to look at the link and that I am arrogant for suggesting she would. I was only trying to be helpful! She had some more choice words for me the next day, saying I am the mean one. Why do they get this way? She was always sweet and caring before, though she did have a temper and got pretty emotionally abusive toward me at times. Is she just trying to justify herself breaking up with me by focusing on every negative thing she can think of and just keep herself from feeling any remorse over the breakup? Do all exes who initiated a break up act this way? I do believe this is her defense to justify her break up with you. It will only be a phase though. If she did truly love you, she will hit a brick wall in the near future and ask for you back. I got the same exact treatment. I was kicked when I was down, and then a week later those sweet caring traits shine back through. As men we have to realize that the breakup is probably even more confusing for her and she has no control of her emotions right now. she knows she can get away with taking anger out on you because you will be quick to look past it. dont look too much into it and figure its just superficial. you know who she really is and down the road she will thank you for sending her that link. i dont believe you were trying to FIX her problems, you just felt a sense of needing to HELP because thats what you do for the people you love.
The Collector Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Yup, I learned this the hard way as well. When your guy buddies come to you and tell you a big long story about a problem they're having, once they finish, they're sitting there waiting for your opinion and advice. That's not how it goes with the ladies. They just want you to listen and care. They don't want you to fix all their problems for them, as if they are incapable of handling it themselves. Unless they specifically ask for help, don't go volunteering yourself. And I'm sure this is only magnified by the fact that you two are broken up now, she really isn't looking for your help. I made this mistake constantly, my ex would tell me how much she hated school, how the classes were getting an uneven amount of attention from teachers, etc, and I would tell her what to do, I'd even offer to come to school with her and talk to the director and discuss some of these issues.... it's not what they want though. It's true, men need to learn that most women generally don't want to solve their problems, they just want an audience to whine to, then go back to the drama they need so much.
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