stoneymirror Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Well my GF IM's a guy like every day. I guess it's harmless, but I feel like having convo's with a guy everyday is a little excessive. I feel like she's almost spending more time IM'ing him during the day and neglects me. Whenever I'm on, I feel like I'm always waiting for her reply and it's completely frustrating. Maybe I'm just assuming the worse, but things have been bad lately and we argue all the time. I literally have only hung out with my GF 3 times in the last 3 wks cause all we ever do is get in fights. My friends think she's totally into me, and she tells me she does nothing wrong, and has known this ex coworker of hers longer than she's known me. I'm really lost here because this GF of mine blows up on me all the time and gets so mad that she yells and swears at me and makes personal attacks. She seems to always have this negative perspective of me and is always upset about this or that. I feel totally insecure about even being the right person for her cause I always seem to mess up or not do something exactly as she wants it. And when she gets mad, she just ups and leaves me and goes home and we spend days not talking. Are my insecurities getting the best of me, or should I trust her despite everything.
JaggedRoad Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 There is something wrong if she's neglecting you so she can talk to this guy. There are tons of girls whom I've known longer than my ex, and I never spent more time talking to them. There was nothing to discuss with them really.
sean1970 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 While you don't paint the healthiest picture of a relationship in general, have you asked her about this guy?
JolliX Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I'm going to start by saying that her having friends (honest to god friends) of the opposite sex is something that you probalbly need to learn to accept (it makes for healthier relationships, trust, etc., and happens to be an issue of mine I'm working on, so I know how you feel there). However, it just sounds like your relationship with her isn't very healthy at all. If you guys argue a lot, you feel neglected from her, etc. Then ask yourself a few questions. Are you and her on the same level on where the relationship is, or where it is going? Are you both equally committed? Is all this stress worth it if the answers to the last two questions are no? Also, how long have you guys been dating? If it's been a while (few months or longer), then you just sound more committed to the relationship than she is, and unfortunately, it more than likely won't work. If this is the case, just break it off, heal your wounds, work on any issues that you had (true issues, not just that you had a different opinion about your and her's relationship together), and then ease yourself back into things. Prolonging something that isn't going to work and just makes you feel worse about yourself will just make it all harder on you in the end.
Author stoneymirror Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 We've been together now for almost a year. And it feels like we're both committed. We're both ready to settle down and get married, and are both on the same page when it comes to what we want. I just feel so insecure with all our recent fighting that it makes my mind wander and think even more bad thoughts. She has not just this guy friend, but most of her friends are guys. She doesn't hang out with them more than a few times per year, but I haven't met any of them and I just have to basically trust she's being completely loyal. Which for the most part I do believe, but during these tough times I definitely think the worse.
JolliX Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Ok, then it sounds like you NEED to have a talk with her. Make sure you and her are on the same page in regards to the relationship (and not just you thinking you both are). Let her know that her always IMing this guy over you bothers you, but ask her to explain it. Think on everything you talk about for a couple days, and figure out if it's all worth it, if her IMing the guy is your issue or her being horrible to you, etc. If after all this, you find she isn't as committed as you are, it is her being bad to you and not your issue, and you two always do indeed fight ALL the time, just accept it's not going to work and end it. I hope that you both are on the same page, and a talk will help you guys how to get through this and be happy, but just don't hold onto it if it's not really there anymore. You will just end up hurt more in the end.
Author stoneymirror Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 We're both on the same page, the guy she talks to is married and has kids and is an ex coworker. Besides that I really know nothing about him. She's just as committed to me as I am to her. But I guess I just question this sort of behavior and fear the unknown and what it might lead to further down the road. I'm scared that these sort of friendships could turn into more if the right opportunity presented itself. I mean why does this married guy spend his afternoons IM'ing my GF?
adamt Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Are you an easy sort of huy who is trusting of your girlfriend and not the jealous type. well if that is the case then i think you should really say something and go with your gut feeling if you feel it is not right. My ex started spending more time on facebook when i was with her. We would talk a lot on MSN and over time it was always me who would be the one to say hello first on MSN. she wasnt seeing anyone behind my back but she was losing interest. i wish i had pulled her up about it a lot sooner. She spent less and less time with me and chatted to me less and less on MSN. eventually we split up. It sounds like she is detaching herself from you slowly, you need to go see her and talk to her face to face about it.
boldjack Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Dude, she is going to have guy friends, just like you are going to have girl friends. If you are not comfortable with the frequency of her contacts, you need to talk about boundaries. If she is verbally abusive to you , you can either tell her that such behavior is unacceptable, or end the relationship. But most of all, you need to take control of your life, and be more assertive. No woman likes a weak man.
Author stoneymirror Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) I don't really have any girl friends. And I definitely don't talk to any of them on a daily basis. I just don't need that in my life. Maybe when I was in Highschool but not now. I work full time and hardly have time for my guy friends. As far as me being a jealous or insecure person. I get these feelings when things are bad in the relationship, like now, when we argue all the time and bad things are said. She has a great way of telling me how I don't do enough for her or the relationship. I bend over backwards and it never seems to be enough, I get no recognition when she's upset with me and I feel like a total loser in the relationship, despite all my efforts. But when things are good, I'm the best BF in the world to her. She really is committed to this relationship, I don't think either one of us would go through all these fights and keep coming back. We always say there's something there that's indescribable between us, but lately with all this fighting we haven't hardly even been close for months. I hate ending relationships, especially ones I feel a certain affinity towards. And I never want to look back and regret things. At this point I'm just so insecure and doubtful that I can't even think straight anymore Edited November 6, 2009 by stoneymirror
adamt Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) i think all the warning signs are there:- arguing all the time you say you do a lot in the relationship but she says that is never enough you feel unappreciated she is spending less time with you she is talkign to you on IM less you admit you havent been close for months has the sex got less and less too?less compliments from her? it sounds like you are putting all the effort in and not her all that stuff happened to me. apart from the arguing, she just would nit pick at stuff that was never a problem. from my experience, its as if she wants you to break up with her because she cant do it herself and if you did it she has no guilt. I could be wrong but i would say 90% of the time i will be right. it cant carry on because you will break up anyway, so you need to take the intitiative and sit down with her and clear the air and sort it all out. find out if she really wants to be with you Edited November 6, 2009 by adamt
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