bhgirl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Ok my husband left a week ago and I have been begging and pleading with him to come back...He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he is not ready to come home yet. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I feel that if you say you love me and you want to stay with me and go to counseling and work on us you should come back home to me and your children. So I was thinking maybe I should say come home byXXXX date or else. Has anyone done that? I am in total melt down mode I haven't been eating or sleeping and am constantly waiting for him to call me or text me...I have been trying to reframe from calling him and have resorted to just texting about the kids, but it is hard of course to see him because of our children. I hate that I feel this way I really feel manic and angry at times...he left me and seems to be having the time of his life while I am home depressed and barely able to get out of bed. If I didn't have children I probably wouldn't leave my room. On another note we are also in the middle of moving to a new place and everytime we talk about the move I am talking in terms of me and the kids, but he still says when we move. I don't want to feel like I am reaching here, but what does that mean. I am scared to death to allow my mind to think that means he is going to move in with me, but also I am afraid of thinking the opposite that he is not going to move with me and is just playing with my emotions. I really am not sure where he is staying he tells me he is staying at a co-workers house who we both knwo, but it just seems all strange to me. He texts me all during the day, but I don't hear from him at night..I really think he is having an affair, but I don't have any proof. Oh but I can say that before he left he wasn't sexually as responsive to me, but he said that was due to the tension between us and the constant arguing we have been doing. I am not sure where to go from here any advice is good I have been reading the suggestions on no contact, but we have kids so what should my plan be? Should I go to the counseling session I still want it to work, but I just have a feeling that he has moved on, but is still playing with my emotions sigh...I am a wreck right now down 10 pounds and haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep since he left.
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Ok my husband left a week ago and I have been begging and pleading with him to come back...He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he is not ready to come home yet. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I feel that if you say you love me and you want to stay with me and go to counseling and work on us you should come back home to me and your children. So I was thinking maybe I should say come home byXXXX date or else. Has anyone done that? First thought: "...or else what?" If you draw a line, you need to have a solid consequence, and it absolutely, positively needs to be one you can and will carry out at that time. Don't threaten to divorce him, for example, if you can't go through with it. Because that's called a "bluff", not an ultimatum. And if he calls your bluff and you can't go through with the consequence, you lose ALL credibility going forward. So the question is: "or else what?" I am in total melt down mode I haven't been eating or sleeping and am constantly waiting for him to call me or text me...I have been trying to reframe from calling him and have resorted to just texting about the kids, but it is hard of course to see him because of our children. I hate that I feel this way I really feel manic and angry at times...he left me and seems to be having the time of his life while I am home depressed and barely able to get out of bed. If I didn't have children I probably wouldn't leave my room. Well, you can be thankful for that, then. Live in the moment, take good care of your children. They need you, now more than ever. How old are they? Do they have any awareness of what is going on or any anxiety around this? As much as you can keep them on a normal routine is a good thing, and as much as you can show them a solid, loving mom continuing to take good care of them, that will help them immensely. I am not sure where to go from here any advice is good I have been reading the suggestions on no contact, but we have kids so what should my plan be? Should I go to the counseling session I still want it to work, but I just have a feeling that he has moved on, but is still playing with my emotions sigh...I am a wreck right now down 10 pounds and haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep since he left. Is it a joint counseling session? If so, wouldn't that help to try to clear the air and find out what is going on? You should absolutely voice your anxieties and concerns there - I would think that you can't go on with any useful work while you are still unaware of what your situation is, and that should be a first order of business at such a session. Or, if it's an individual session, yeah, I'd still go, just to unload these anxieties and see if the counselor can help you get some perspective.
Author bhgirl Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Unfortunately they do know what is going on I have had a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I have two boys 6 and 8 and girl 10. It is a joing counseling session happening tomorrow. I am desperate to have him back so I guess I am reaching I don't think I could go through with the consequences of him not coming back if I said if you don't come back by this date don't come at all...I am just worried that maybe there is someone else and he knows he isn't coming back, but is just stringing me along.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Ok my husband left a week ago and I have been begging and pleading with him to come back...He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he is not ready to come home yet. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I feel that if you say you love me and you want to stay with me and go to counseling and work on us you should come back home to me and your children. So I was thinking maybe I should say come home byXXXX date or else. Has anyone done that? I gave my W an ultimatum when I exposed her A to her. I gave her that night to sleep on it and then in the morning I wanted her to leave or try to work on the M. She choose to stay. But she didn't really try ... she was going thru the motions ... went to 2 counseling sessions ... when we went anywhere there was no emotion or love coming from her. 4 days later she left to go be with her new BF. At least she can she "tried" in her moind and feel less guilty. I suggest if you do give the ultimatum you make it clear that you want 110% effort towards fixing you guys. Can you see the counselor by yourself to discuss this? I wouldn't give the ultimatum so soon - it's only been a week. I would also try as hard as you can to find out if there is an A going on. You need to know. Sure sounds to me like he is having one. GOOD LUCK ...
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