McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 so i pretty much blame myself for the breakup. i blame myself for pushing her so hard she had no other choice. i find a lot of the people healing are victims of a bad relationship. but she is probably laughing with her friends at her pyscho ex (me) regrets are eating at me...
Ms. Joolie Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 eso i pretty much blame myself for the breakup. i blame myself for pushing her so hard she had no other choice. i find a lot of the people healing are victims of a bad relationship. but she is probably laughing with her friends at her pyscho ex (me) regrets are eating at me... Nah.... don't eat yourself up. What effort has she made to contact you from "her break"? Listen, I don't know why she needed a break... because she needed space?? She was thinking about something? Meanwhile, you are struggling to cope with the 'ending' of a relationship. It's very cruel not to have a real ending. I know what that's like.... you just sort of space out and don't know what's going on. You go through all that depression and yet there's that light of hope like it's not over. Ugh.. Yeah, I read your threads now, McGrupp. How long has it been now since you stopped dating, or since she said she needed a break??
onewillburn Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I don't know the circumstances surrounding your break up or relationship, so I can't say for sure but there's a tendency among exes to frame the relationship in a different way to make them feel less guilty. If you were truly at fault, I'm sure you would know. Ask yourself, would you want to be treated the same way you treated her? Change the perspective and maybe it'll help you see things more clearly. I know I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship, but the only real regret I have is ever putting up with a lot of her behavior. She did some really psychotic things and I always thought I was helping her out by staying with her. Really, I was only encouraging it. Her take on the relationship is vastly different than mine, so you have to wonder which one of us is delusional. It has led to a billion arguments and, in the end, I guess it's just not meant to be.
JaggedRoad Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 so i pretty much blame myself for the breakup. i blame myself for pushing her so hard she had no other choice. i find a lot of the people healing are victims of a bad relationship. but she is probably laughing with her friends at her pyscho ex (me) regrets are eating at me... There is never a time when a person is only left with one choice. Of course she had other choices, but she decided to go with breaking up. And she cheated on you. There is no excuse for that.
Odyssey Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 McGrupp, i don't think it was your pushing that made her breakup with you. She was already pulling away long before that (all the "needing space", "take a break" etc). Yeah, you might feel guilty for freaking out like you did, but who in their right mind wouldn't?!? I probably would of reacted the same, if i'd found out she was kissing a guy from work. So don't blame yourself.
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Change the perspective and maybe it'll help you see things more clearly. yup i became needy and possesive. she tested me and i failed. the cheating always left doubts in my mind. but when it happened she came to me and told me the truth. its been over 2 months. im sad, obsessed, depressed, lonely. ya know the drill. she was my first love, first real sexual relationship. might have a lot to do with the seperation being so hard on me.
Ultiman Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Change the perspective and maybe it'll help you see things more clearly. yup i became needy and possesive. she tested me and i failed. the cheating always left doubts in my mind. but when it happened she came to me and told me the truth. its been over 2 months. im sad, obsessed, depressed, lonely. ya know the drill. she was my first love, first real sexual relationship. might have a lot to do with the seperation being so hard on me. Im in the same situation as u. I pushed my ex to extremes with my lying and shady actions to the point of her leaving me 2 weeks ago. Even though it hurts bad ive been able to handle it relatively well taking this situation as a chance to do a complete 180 in my life which i have done. My ex was my first everything as well and now is hooking up with another guy just for fun. Sometimes i let my thoughts consume me and it destroys me but u just have to fight it no matter how hard it is. Remember that your in the vicious circle of feeling sorry for yourself doing nothing about it and feeling more sorry for yourself. Right now no matter how contradictory it might seem u have alot of excess energy and stress that needs an exit. You must get up and exercise do new things for yourself instead of doing nothing or you will just destroy your soul. Not only has she left you she is destroying you without even doing anything, you cannot allow that to happen
GrayClouds Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 McGrupp your back to running down the same rabbit hole. Even if everything you feel is true: "yup i became needy and possesive. she tested me and i failed"What are you going to do about it? A. Use it for a reason to beat yourself to a pulp. B. Stay i a place of depression and self hate C. Use it as a catalyst to become a better you. I know what you want to do because it is what you are doing A. & B. Is it working? Is it getting her back? Is it making you happier? Understand this: Your pain, sadness, and depression is not about losing the girl. It is losing what the girl represented. The longer keep believeing it is about her and your actions in the relationship the longer your going to feel bad. Why because your not addressing the real issue. Focusing on her and the lost of the relationship has because a DRUG for you. Like an addict or an alcoholic your using it to avoid facing the real problem. What is the real problem? Only you can say... Fear of failure, abandonment issues, abuse all of the above? What ever the girl represented that what ever fear you have was not true but when she left the fear return (it was never gone). In fact it confirming your fears. But, again your not addressing it, your obssessing over the girl. She is gone, she was not that great, you were not perfect, you were not that bad. But the end of the relationship is a message from life Is: Now is the time to work on yourself. Stop fighting the message. Time to implement the correct answer: C. Use it as a catalyst to become a better you. Feeling all of the pain you have already proves your are strong and courageous enough to do so.
onewillburn Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Change the perspective and maybe it'll help you see things more clearly. yup i became needy and possesive. she tested me and i failed. the cheating always left doubts in my mind. but when it happened she came to me and told me the truth. its been over 2 months. im sad, obsessed, depressed, lonely. ya know the drill. she was my first love, first real sexual relationship. might have a lot to do with the seperation being so hard on me. Hey, bud, listen. Your first love and your first sexual relationship ALWAYS seem like the biggest deal in the world when they come to an end. Everybody goes through it and the thoughts of unworthiness and low self-esteem are much more common. But, really, it's ignorance and inexperience that's keeping you down. When you recover from this you're going to laugh at how you reacted to this break up. You're gonna laugh at how much you put up with from her. You might not think you will, but you're in a totally different world right now. You need to live and create new experiences to get over this. You probably don't even really know what you want in a relationship yet You were cheated on. To most men (and women) this would be enough to leave the ex in the past forever. NEVER forgive somebody who betrayed you like that. You think it's your fault that she cheated or that the relationship went sour? If you were that needy or possessive, she could have talked to you about it or just broken up with you. Cheating is an awful form of disrespect and shows how little she cared for you. Never take any kind of disrespect in a relationship. Don't be a doormat. Yes, be less needy and work on respecting yourself more, but don't let anybody convince you that it's your fault you were cheated on. It's crap and nobody deserves it.
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 What are you going to do about it? A. Use it for a reason to beat yourself to a pulp. B. Stay i a place of depression and self hate C. Use it as a catalyst to become a better you. I know what you want to do because it is what you are doing A. & B. Is it working? Is it getting her back? Is it making you happier? Understand this: Your pain, sadness, and depression is not about losing the girl. It is losing what the girl represented. The longer keep believeing it is about her and your actions in the relationship the longer your going to feel bad. Why because your not addressing the real issue. Focusing on her and the lost of the relationship has because a DRUG for you. Like an addict or an alcoholic your using it to avoid facing the real problem. What is the real problem? Only you can say... Fear of failure, abandonment issues, abuse all of the above? What ever the girl represented that what ever fear you have was not true but when she left the fear return (it was never gone). In fact it confirming your fears. But, again your not addressing it, your obssessing over the girl. She is gone, she was not that great, you were not perfect, you were not that bad. But the end of the relationship is a message from life Is: Now is the time to work on yourself. Stop fighting the message. Time to implement the correct answer: C. Use it as a catalyst to become a better you. Feeling all of the pain you have already proves your are strong and courageous enough to do so. best advice ive had yet
Ms. Joolie Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) dammit, GrayClouds.... haha. j/k. Hey, McGrupp.... GrayClouds is so right, excellent summary. T was my first true love, too. And it showed me how NOT ready I was for a relationship. (even though I knew that, but still... it pulled me out of myself in a way I couldn't have done alone) I say let's be grateful that now we know better who we are. It's a tough lesson, but not one we can't learn from, grow from. It's not the end... it's a new beginning. Edited November 6, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 im just having a really tough time accepting everything. when this first started LS adviced me to go NC. i didnt (and i mean b4 the its over talk). then i kept breaking it doing everything bad in the book. going out to dinner, cursing at her, making fun of her, breaking NC, asking, texting, emailing... asking again. so its very hard for me to not beat up myself. i made her leave and up to yesterday i was still asking why and breaking NC. my self respect is down the tubes... i mean im that guy. its like 7th grade over here.
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 i hate reading my pitty party posts.^^ im going to refrain from this place for the next 10 days. i think it forces dwelling.
GrayClouds Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 QUOTE=McGrupp;2473796]im just having a really tough time accepting everything. when this first started LS adviced me to go NC. i didnt (and i mean b4 the its over talk). then i kept breaking it doing everything bad in the book. going out to dinner, cursing at her, making fun of her, breaking NC, asking, texting, emailing... asking again. so its very hard for me to not beat up myself. i made her leave and up to yesterday i was still asking why and breaking NC. my self respect is down the tubes... i mean im that guy. its like 7th grade over here. Your self respect was based on a illusion. It was based on having this hot girl next to you. As long as she was next to you, you did not have to do any work on yourself. But now you have to make up for lost time. You want to feel pain because that is easier to do then feeling fear. The fear of trying to become a better person. As long as you can continue to pine for the girl, beat yourself up, and talk about mistakes you have made you can delay the work. I understand the fear; from our vantage point it is so overwhelming. So how do you start? Instead of focusing on the pain, when those negative thoughts start, focus on what you want, NOT WHO, but what then figure out how to get it. Stop focusing on the past think about the future, even if its just for a second. Get his book: http://www.abandonment.net/journey.frame.html and read it during those 10 days
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 your ****ing right. now im faux suicidal. why? cause its an easy way out. ive never really worked for anything in my life. im pretty smart so i coasted through HS and college. working in the family business. and i was miserable b4 she left. now what do i do? thats up to me. its hard though.
mickleb Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Get the book. It's exactly what you need to be reading right now. Then you can tell you what to do next. x
Exit Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 You sound the same way I used to. People kept telling me "it's her loss", "it takes two to fail", all that kind of stuff that aimed to put some of the blame on her. But I kept telling people "no, you don't understand, my situation is different, I'm no innocent victim, I did so many things wrong, I deserved to lose her, I deserve to be chasing after her trying to get her back". I had this exact same attitude, it was a painful breakup but it was MY FAULT. I would still be happy if I hadn't driven away the one beautiful thing in my life. It's BS. Stop blaming yourself. Other couples make it through much worse. People get through cheating, drugs, abuse, whether it's right or wrong to stick it out through those things, people who are really in love, they make an effort. You didn't do anything so horrible that this girl had to run for the hills to get away from you. Slowly I stopped blaming myself for everything. Yes I did things wrong, but did she make any effort to talk to me about it before dropping the break-up hammer? No. She says I didn't compliment her enough, didn't appreciate her, did she do anything for me? No. I did 100 times more for her. GrayClouds is making some REALLY amazing points in this thread. Especially "having a hot girl next to you allowed you not to work on yourself". Yup. This girl was more beautiful than I ever imagined I could be with. So I was happier than a pig in sh*t. I stopped working out, I lost track of my own hobbies, my own friends, I spent more money paying her bills than I did mine, I was unemployed and hardly looked for a job. Things just seemed so much easier knowing I was in a relationship and had someone else to lean on. Now I'm alone, and the first things I did were get a job and start working out again. I need to learn to strike a happy balance when I have a relationship, to still keep my own life going.
Author McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 it hurts so much. it really is like a drug addiction. i want to just hear her voice. **** me.
Lamak Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 http://tinyurl.com/y9hg9bl I think I'll leave this here.
Author McGrupp Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 cool link. im goign to leave this place now for a little bit. no more LS at 4-5am. need to heal. going to try for 10-20 days. maybe show up if i feel really sick
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