Newly Seperated

[bhgirl]

Hi,

 

I am new to this site I recently seperated from my Husband of 8 years. We got into a stupid argument that escalated from there...he left and hasn't been back. I am devasted and an emotional wreck and not sleeping or eating. My question is what do I do now I desperately want my husband to come home. I have begged him to come back, but he won't. He kepts on saying he has not left me, but we need time and just in general sending me all these mixed messages. Do I talk to him on a plantonic level? He wants to call and just talk like we are old friends, but for me it hurts to bad and I take what he is saying as a sign that he is coming back. We do have a counseling session set up for this Saturday I am hopeful, but I am bracing for the worst.

 

We have three kids together who also have been devasted by this news. I had to tell them that their dad was going to be living somewhere else for awhile. I didn't expect to be here but here I am...

[broken hearted]

Most people here would suggest NC except for anything kid related. That, however, didn't work for me at all! That is a great sign that you guys are going to counseling on Saturday...keep going to counseling and also work on yourself, do the things that you did when you guys first started dating! A little more info. as to why your husband left and the things he said he was unhappy about in order to leave would help people give better advice. I'm hoping that your story ends in a much happier ending than most here and certainly a much happier ending than mine did. Is there any chance your husband is seeing someone else??

[FeelingLonely98]

Most people here would suggest NC except for anything kid related.

 

Is there any chance your husband is seeing someone else??

 

1st of all bhgirl - Welcome to LS and I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

 

What bh said (in bold) that's the 1st thing I thought of. there must be someone else for him to walk away and NOT come home - he needs time, sending mixed signals, ... PHOOEY!

He may just be agreeing to counseling just so later he can say he "tried" when he leaves for the OW.

Anyway, I hope I'm wrong & he is not seeing someone ... the typically line from someone like that will be ILY but I'm not in love with you. You may want to ask him "Do you love me"? and see what he says. Maybe in your counseling session.

 

My wife "walked through" 4 days of trying to work on our M before she left for good to be with affair partner.

I think it reduced her guilt factor. (If you want some comic relief read my threads to get my story - Many have told it is one of the worst on LS!)

 

I think it is WAY too early to initiate NC. If you get to the point where it seems hopeless that he will come around, THEN you will need to start NC and also something called 180! (Don't worry about that now.) (probably many weeks away!)

 

Keep posting here. There are some great folks here who have been thru what we are going thru and who will truly want to help you.

 

Find your support system (family, friends, chruch, etc.) and lean on them. They helped me - saved me?

 

GOOD LUCK! Let us know how the counseling session goes...

 

PEACE!

Edited November 6, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[bhgirl]

Well really we were arguing over something very stupid, but I should say he has had an affair in the past about two years ago and I said I had forgave him, but now that I think about it I don't think I did so that sorta of sent me spiraling down a mistrust and double checking everything he does. Sigh....so we were in the of a dumb argument I brought up the affair and he decided he was leaving. I didn't stop him thinking that he would just cool off and come back..he didn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

In my heart I really think he is having an affair I am not positive where he is staying he is not at his moms...he says he is at a co-workers house that we both are acquinted with, but I don't hear from him in the evenings which makes me think he is having an affair. I have asked him, but he just gets angry when I bring it up..so now I am afraid to say anything. I really feel like I have no control and I have given him all my power...how do I regain control.

 

I am not ready to throw in the towel, but I don't want to be a doormat..also we are in midst of moving and he has been saying he is still moving with me...but he is not ready to come home yet! what does that mean. He says he fears if he comes home we will be right back in the cycle of mistrust and arguments and unhappiness that we were in. My feeling is you can't predict that come home lets go to counseling and work from there.

 

I really feel like it is hopeless I don't want a divorce, but I want him to be honest about where we stand. I hope he is not telling me all of this for the benefit of saving my feelings...

[phineas]

Sorry to say this, but he is acting like a majority of the cheating spouses posted about on this forum.

 

Seems to me he needed an excuse to flee.

The argument seemed to do it.

 

It also seems like he expected you to just "get over" his affair.

 

I personally have a problem with cheating wives sucking every spare penny their ex-husband's have.

 

I however feel a cheating man with kids isn't a man at all & deserves whatever financial turmoil family court pimp-slaps him with.

 

I say file for divorce unless you really think he will stop cheating on you, come home & be faithful for the rest of your lives like he promised when he said "I do".

 

I gave my wife way to many chances to stop cheating.

Now she wants back.

Too bad.

I deserve better.

You deserve better.

 

Your kids will be fine as long as he's a good dad that spends time with them.

[bhgirl]

phineas thanks for the advice I know in my mind this is wrong and I deserve better, but my heart is in such turmoil right now. I am freaked out about being a single mom and being alone....