leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yesterday the guy I was potentially going to keep dating and me got into a discussion about my schedule. This question popped up during the first date as well, since he asked me what I do and I told him as honestly as I could what is going on in my life right now. I got another awesome opportunity yesterday to work in the field of neuroscience as a researcher with one of the most fascinating, well-respect researchers in the field. I didn't reject the offer - I applied for it a couple of months ago. Nonetheless, my schedule went from being medium busy to "I can't sleep more than an hour because I have this much work to do." I don't usually complain about this, since my life has always been hectic and especially in the past 1.5 years. But the potential mate started to complain. I told him, since he lives quite the distance from me and neither one of us have a car at this point in time, that I'm not going to be able to see him until mid December. I know!!! But I tried re-arranging my schedule for him and nothing. It's my best friend's birthday next week and my mom's birthday the week after and I can barely put in the time to see the 2 of them (and this is a must because right now, they're more important). So, he got angry at me. I understand that I have a lot of stuff going for me right now. I didn't expect more than half of it but it just happened and I learned that you don't miss out on great opportunities. I am studying for something very specialized in health related field and the more knowledge I gather right now, the better for me later on. My question is this: is it fair to try to date someone when you're this busy (especially if they're a fair distance from you)? Is it in general fair to date someone like this? I mean, if he was in my town, I wouldn't have a problem of putting in like 4 hours a week to see him. But since he's far away, it takes me 2 hours to get there, then spend time, then 2 hours back (for ONE day!!!) So basically I have 2 questions: 1. Is it fair to try to work on this or should I just let it go? He seems like he doesn't understand the nature of my work. 2. Is it fair, in general, to date someone when your schedule is like this (if they're in the SAME town as you)? Thanks
crosswordfiend Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 In general life isn't fair. And as far as distance goes, it's more psychological distance. For me that means anywhere I can't walk or bike to is considered out of town even though I do own a car. From the male perspective, so many women use being "busy" as a blow-off that over time it becomes difficult to distinguish when someone is genuinely busy. Because after all, don't people "make time" if they really want to see you? Whatever you do don't string him along. If work and family are higher priorities tell him that. He'll probably go away and so if and when you want to see him again it's your responsibility to initiate contact.
Author leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yeah. But I'm being as sincere as possible here. Yes. You make time. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but I'm in my last year of university education with a very specialized field, plus I work, volunteer, do research and have to study like mad. I spend my days in the lab and come home at like 9pm-10pm at which point I'm exhausted. The weekends are the ONLY days I can spend really studying and if I get a day off, I'm VERY thankful. I'm a pre-med - maybe that'll make a bit more sense. I would want to make time, but it seems impossible considering he lives so far away and the lack of car doesn't make it easier. Maybe it is better to let go now, before it becomes too complex? The thing is this: he used this method on me last date. I told him that considering the distance and keeping in mind my schedule, I don't know if this will work right now. He then pulled a whole "oh.... I imagined this whole thing differently. Oh..." and he had this look on his face which made me feel guilty. He pulled that out again yesterday. When we started to discuss this seriously over the phone, he pulled a "Got to go. I'll be back in 35 mins. You think this through" instead of dealing with the issue. I don't know. I'm not finding excuses for myself but there's really nothing I can do about my schedule. He knew this asking me out. Now it feels like he's trying to change me so I can only focus on him and in all honesty, I would focus on him if we were dating for a couple of months... but it's been like 2 weeks. :S
Rudderless Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I think it's fair enough, it's not easy dating when there is that sort of distance between you and you have a lot on. Not much else you can say really! Unfortunately you can't expect him to hang around either. Just bad timing!
New Again Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I really don't think it's a question of "fair." It all depends on what the individuals involved want - that is what would make someone perceive something as fair or unfair. I understand you like this guy, but are you not at all put off by his attitude? He sounds manipulative and maybe controlling. I think a more normal reaction from him would be understanding, and then doing what he has to do - whether that means he has to invest more energy in coming to YOU, or mostly talking on the phone in the meantime or whatever, or that means he has to walk. Instead he's pressuring you and guilt tripping you.
Author leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Rudderless!!!! You've been with me every step of the way. Literally. How are you doing? Yes. Well, I wouldn't call this one bad timing. The other one was bad timing. In reality, he should also be concentrating on his thesis so I feel like I'm thinking for both of us. I don't expect him to hang around at all. But he knew this from the get-go. Wonder why he asked me out in the first place. I think it's fair enough, it's not easy dating when there is that sort of distance between you and you have a lot on. Not much else you can say really! Unfortunately you can't expect him to hang around either. Just bad timing!
Author leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 You're dead on. That's what I felt when we went out. I felt like something was off about him, his attitude and perspective. I keep thinking that partners should be supportive. You're right. I believe I should cut this one off and try to find someone who is more understandable. Thank you for your input. I really don't think it's a question of "fair." It all depends on what the individuals involved want - that is what would make someone perceive something as fair or unfair. I understand you like this guy, but are you not at all put off by his attitude? He sounds manipulative and maybe controlling. I think a more normal reaction from him would be understanding, and then doing what he has to do - whether that means he has to invest more energy in coming to YOU, or mostly talking on the phone in the meantime or whatever, or that means he has to walk. Instead he's pressuring you and guilt tripping you.
boogieboy Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Rudderless!!!! You've been with me every step of the way. Literally. How are you doing? Yes. Well, I wouldn't call this one bad timing. The other one was bad timing. In reality, he should also be concentrating on his thesis so I feel like I'm thinking for both of us. I don't expect him to hang around at all. But he knew this from the get-go. Wonder why he asked me out in the first place. He asked you out becuse he figured you would make the time. But youre pre-med, you have to live like a monk until youre done. No dates for you!
Author leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 He asked you out becuse he figured you would make the time. But youre pre-med, you have to live like a monk until youre done. No dates for you! LMAO You made my day. I guess that is partially true. LOL
Isolde Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Hmm this is a tough one. If I met a guy I was absolutely smitten with, that had this kind of schedule, I would definitely try it. If his schedule promised to lighten up the next year, I would just try to wait it out, spending as much time together, as possible. I'm not sure I could be together long term with someone who worked 100 hours a week, but that's more an issue of personal preference, since I don't want to work those hours myself. Honestly, this is why so many doctors, date other doctors.
Author leap83 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Hmm this is a tough one. If I met a guy I was absolutely smitten with, that had this kind of schedule, I would definitely try it. If his schedule promised to lighten up the next year, I would just try to wait it out, spending as much time together, as possible. I'm not sure I could be together long term with someone who worked 100 hours a week, but that's more an issue of personal preference, since I don't want to work those hours myself. Honestly, this is why so many doctors, date other doctors. LOL. I like your concluding statement. My field is specifically narrow so it is going to get busier and busier over the next couple of years. Funny thing is, my ex supported me so much in terms of my goals and he still does, that nothing would have stopped him to see me/hear me over the phone (even when I was studying hard) and give me the boost of energy to get it done. And he wasn't a doctor. I'm not smitten. Maybe that is the problem. My gut feeling is giving me a hard time and telling me this one ain't right. Haha.
DanielMadr Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I dont want to divert you from your carreer...your work could save my life some day eventhough I have no history of neuro based disease in my family.....but you should know that work is not everything. If he was a man you would want to have children with....would you be asking this question here (to dump him)?
Isolde Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) LOL. I like your concluding statement. My field is specifically narrow so it is going to get busier and busier over the next couple of years. Funny thing is, my ex supported me so much in terms of my goals and he still does, that nothing would have stopped him to see me/hear me over the phone (even when I was studying hard) and give me the boost of energy to get it done. And he wasn't a doctor. I'm not smitten. Maybe that is the problem. My gut feeling is giving me a hard time and telling me this one ain't right. Haha. I think mutual support is an important thing in a relationship and is not the same thing in neediness. You want someone who motivates you in your career and has similar goals for themselves. Whether they're a doctor or not, you need someone who similarly wants to focus intensely on their career for the next few years, and therefore doesn't mind only having a couple hours a week to spend together. In a LDR, expectations need to be discussed in an adult manner, if a relationship is going to work out. It's the same thing here. What are the priorities and plans of each person? You're not in a flexible field, so accept that as a reality you've chosen, and go from there. Edited November 7, 2009 by Isolde
Author leap83 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I dont want to divert you from your carreer...your work could save my life some day eventhough I have no history of neuro based disease in my family.....but you should know that work is not everything. If he was a man you would want to have children with....would you be asking this question here (to dump him)? Plus, you're not a child with neuro disease. I do know that work is not everything. However, these kids.... these kids are everything to me. I'm only pre-med and I spend most of my time trying to research these diseases so I can help the kids and I spend time with these children. When you tell a kid that you're going to read them a fairy-tale, you don't cancel on them. When kid is sick, you do everything in your power to make them happy (especially if they have a neuro disease which can't be treated). So, to me, work IS everything (but now you know why). And I'm not thinking about kids. I'm not even ready to get married. My life is only starting. To be honest, I believe that I don't want to have children with this individual.
Author leap83 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I think mutual support is an important thing in a relationship and is not the same thing in neediness. You want someone who motivates you in your career and has similar goals for themselves. Whether they're a doctor or not, you need someone who similarly wants to focus intensely on their career for the next few years, and therefore doesn't mind only having a couple hours a week to spend together. In a LDR, expectations need to be discussed in an adult manner, if a relationship is going to work out. It's the same thing here. What are the priorities and plans of each person? You're not in a flexible field, so accept that as a reality you've chosen, and go from there. You're dead on. I do want someone who is as committed to their career right now as I am to mine. Actually, I admire a man more when he is committed and passionate about his work than when he is not. For some reason, I always found that very attractive. Well, I can accept it or I can move on. It's been only 2 weeks. I know that communication is key and that's why I tried to talk with him about this. But he was being immature about it. I tried more than once. Each time, he dismissed it. I also tried to explain the nature of my work. He didn't want to listen. *Shrugs*
DanielMadr Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Plus, you're not a child with neuro disease. I do know that work is not everything. However, these kids.... these kids are everything to me. I'm only pre-med and I spend most of my time trying to research these diseases so I can help the kids and I spend time with these children. When you tell a kid that you're going to read them a fairy-tale, you don't cancel on them. When kid is sick, you do everything in your power to make them happy (especially if they have a neuro disease which can't be treated). So, to me, work IS everything (but now you know why). And I'm not thinking about kids. I'm not even ready to get married. My life is only starting. To be honest, I believe that I don't want to have children with this individual. Then you have your answer. Cut him loose... or just use him for occasional horizontal refreshment (vertical in case of being kinky in the kitchen) Just a side note....and I know it probably doesnt work like that....but when I encounter older and not so happy carreer women, I wonder what advice I would have for myself being in their place....biological hours ticking etc...In ideal world I would advice myself to have family first and pursue carreer later. At least no hot guys would distract me from studying;) I simply believe that having your own kids is the main purpose being here. But of course I understand your devotion to making world a better place, its important too. Good luck and enjoy whatever path you choose. Its your life afterall. P.S.: next time you read them some fairytale makeup some fart jokes in it like "princess just farted and evil dragon just collapsed from the smell"....I guarantee you very positive reaction;)
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 The most recent guy I dated, we had complications between the two of us that kept things from going far. I made the comment one time about if we had met when both of our lives were less complicated and he made some joke about meeting in a vacuum. His point was - there are always going to be external influences acting against a relationship. IMO - you told the guy what you were up against. If he were truly interested, he'd be patient. Sounds to me like you have pretty good reasons - it's not some vague "I'm busy" without explanation. If he wants to bail, let him bail. I don't know about "fair," but it sounds exhausting to me to be in your shoes. LOL I don't have half that workload and when I get overwhelmed, the last thing on my list of "needs" is dating.
Author leap83 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 The most recent guy I dated, we had complications between the two of us that kept things from going far. I made the comment one time about if we had met when both of our lives were less complicated and he made some joke about meeting in a vacuum. His point was - there are always going to be external influences acting against a relationship. IMO - you told the guy what you were up against. If he were truly interested, he'd be patient. Sounds to me like you have pretty good reasons - it's not some vague "I'm busy" without explanation. If he wants to bail, let him bail. I don't know about "fair," but it sounds exhausting to me to be in your shoes. LOL I don't have half that workload and when I get overwhelmed, the last thing on my list of "needs" is dating. Yeah. Haha You're right. Absolutely right. Maybe I should just drop the whole dating scene for awhile. But that would mean dropping it for years to come. Oh well. What can you do right? Sometimes you're just not meant to date. I'm thinking he'll bail. I don't feel like hurting him. I dislike rejecting people. Another thing I've got to learn. I should have really rejected him on the first date since something about his personality was off. Yikes! Got to start reading those red flags.
Rudderless Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Rudderless!!!! You've been with me every step of the way. Literally. How are you doing? Yes. Well, I wouldn't call this one bad timing. The other one was bad timing. In reality, he should also be concentrating on his thesis so I feel like I'm thinking for both of us. I don't expect him to hang around at all. But he knew this from the get-go. Wonder why he asked me out in the first place. I'm good leap thanks Yeah he sounds like he's mismatched with your ambitions unfortunately
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