Seeing a guy 13 yrs older than me... good or bad?

[ImLost07]

Ok. I just broke up with my BF of three years because I finally had it with the long distance and feeling like I was married without a husband. There's a lot more to it than that but I was getting interested in others and pretty much emotionally shut down. I had told him how I was feeling but he never took me seriously so we broke up (in a nut shell).

 

Since the break up I've been interested in this guy thats 13 yrs older than me. I am 23 and he is 36. He is drop dead gorgeous, is in amazing physical health, great body, doesnt act 36 (at heart) and is a cop which is a HUGE attraction to me. Ive always had a thing for cops and all this with that career on top of it was like wowza!

 

We have been hanging out and what not and he is very respectful of me and my boundaries. It is a turn on to hang out with a guy thats not going to put me through a bunch of bull **** merry go rounds. The people I know him through tell me good things and he seems very legit. He was married at 21 for 9 years and got divorced at 30. I guess he only got married so him and his wife could be stationed in the same area (military). He told me they literally just signed a piece of paper. No wedding, no honeymoon, nothing. No kids and doesnt talk to his ex. Apparently she cheated on him.

 

Long story short I have a feeling that the age difference will eventually get in the way. He is established and I am just starting my career. On paper I look insanely mature for my age but emotionally and life experience wise, he blows me out of the water. We talked about it and he knows my concerns. He also told me he wants kids and he wants to get married in the near future. I on the other hand, dont want any of that for a while. I am not ready for either. I also discussed this with him.

 

We kind of decided to just keep hanging out and see what happens. But Im wondering if I should even bother. I dont know what I want and I sure as hell dont want to waste his time or ruin a potential mate for him that is ready for kids and wants to get married.

 

I also thought that if I hang out with him, will I feel older than I am? Can I still play and be 23? I know I have to be a grown up one day but Im kind of just wanting to have fun. If I got with somebody my age, we could grow together. With him, he is already grown, but can be a great leader for me.

 

Not to mention... older men are amazing lovers that are way more aware and attentive to the woman and her needs. Wow!

 

Ive never been in this position before and never thought I would be...

 

any advice?

[Enema]

His age, divided by 2, plus 7. That's the rule for the youngest a man can date.

 

(36/2)+7= 25.

 

There, you have the math gods permission. Have fun.

[xpaperxcutx]

If you have chemistry, then you have chemistry. Age is nothing but a number, and shouldn't play into a relationship unless you see it as a taboo.

 

You're young so you're allowed to date and play at the same time.

[SecretlySad]

Ok I am going to be honest with you... I have been dating a man who is 17 years older than me for the past 5.5 years. When we met he was 38 and I was 21.

 

As amazing as our relationship is, over the past year or so the age difference has started to become a problem for me. We went out to dinner not long ago with his best friend and a bunch of other couples. I was the only one there under 40 and I got fed up with them talking and saying things such as "this was before your time, sweetheart".

 

I can never complain about things like getting older to my boyfriend because he always says things such as "What are you complaining about? I would kill to be 27 again". We fight and he sometimes gets this "trust me, I've been there" attitude which I just hate. He partied like a madman in his 20's whereas I have spent the majority of mine in a serious relationship with him. Whenever he talks about it I become insanely jealous, thinking maybe that's how I should be spending my 20's, enjoying myself, spending money on what I want and focusing on myself like he did. He knows what he wants out of life whereas I still don't have much idea just yet.

 

Despite all that, he is an amazing person who knows how women should be treated, and I have always said if we ever split up, I could never go back to dating men my age. It's up to you hon, but just take some time to think about it first.

[rina_r]

If you have chemistry, then you have chemistry. Age is nothing but a number, and shouldn't play into a relationship unless you see it as a taboo.

 

We had chemistry before we found out how old we were. He is 13 y older than me.

[crazy_grl]

His age, divided by 2, plus 7. That's the rule for the youngest a man can date.

 

(36/2)+7= 25.

 

There, you have the math gods permission. Have fun.

 

Um, not to nitpick, but based on your equation, she's 2 years too young.

 

Age doesn't really matter, but the fact that you're at different points in your life and want different things will start to become more of an issue the longer the relationship progresses. If he's eager to settle and have kids, and you know you're not ready and won't be for some time, you'll probably start feeling he's pulling you in that direction. Seems like you know the relationship is doomed, but you wish it weren't, because you really like him. The longer you wait, the worse you'll feel about breaking it off.

[Isolde]

Aside from the numbers issue, you mention that you still want to live an early twenties type of lifestyle, so maybe he's not right for you.

[EcstasyX6]

As SS mentioned, friends may become an issue at some point. I dated a guy 12 years younger than me, and his friends were goof balls who I just couldn't relate to, although you don't date a person's friends. Your happiness is the most important thing, so that could be a non-issue. Give it a shot and see how it goes.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm a big fan of dating older men. My XH was 15 years older and the guy I most recently dated was 14 years older. They were both the ones I have gotten along with the best. And the most recent guy I dated was DEFINITELY this:

Not to mention... older men are amazing lovers that are way more aware and attentive to the woman and her needs. Wow!

You sound like you know what you're doing. You said you two decided to keep hanging out and see what happens. Just be aware that the mismatch in short-term goals could become a tearing point between you two. Other than that, I see no problems.

[dreamergrl]

Age IS a number when two people are in such different spots in their lives. Generally speaking (I know that this isn't how it is for EVERYONE)... 18 and 28 seems so much different then 28 and 38.

 

He's been married. He has his career. He's most likely much more established and set. He's done the play thing.

 

You want to play and be 23. You are just starting out. You've got many years ahead of you before you hit the spot he's in.

 

There is nothing wrong with either, but how do they mesh together?

[CaliGuy]

Long story short I have a feeling that the age difference will eventually get in the way. He is established and I am just starting my career. On paper I look insanely mature for my age but emotionally and life experience wise, he blows me out of the water. We talked about it and he knows my concerns. He also told me he wants kids and he wants to get married in the near future. I on the other hand, dont want any of that for a while. I am not ready for either. I also discussed this with him.

 

If you discussed it and he is respectful of you and your boundaries and he is willing to wait, I don't see the issue.

 

We kind of decided to just keep hanging out and see what happens. But Im wondering if I should even bother. I dont know what I want and I sure as hell dont want to waste his time or ruin a potential mate for him that is ready for kids and wants to get married.

 

Most of the time when relationships fail, it's not because the relationship can't work out, it's because people put certain expectations on the relationship or they simply worry over things that have not -- and may NEVER happen. If you go through life worrying over everything, then you will always cause undue/unnecessary pressure.

 

Frankie say: Relax. I think you should relax and have fun. Relationships should be fun, not work/worry.

 

I also thought that if I hang out with him, will I feel older than I am? Can I still play and be 23? I know I have to be a grown up one day but Im kind of just wanting to have fun. If I got with somebody my age, we could grow together. With him, he is already grown, but can be a great leader for me.

 

Men should be the leader of the family (at least that is my traditional way of viewing marriages). There is no reason why you can not play and have fun. Just because he is 36 that does not mean he is dead or not fun. I plan on having fun until I drop dead. And I'm 40. I don't look 40 or act 40 but I do have the wisdom that comes with being 40. I still have fun yet I am still an adult who is accountable and has responsibilties that I man up to.

 

Not to mention... older men are amazing lovers that are way more aware and attentive to the woman and her needs. Wow!

 

Yes. Yes we are

 

Ive never been in this position before and never thought I would be...

 

any advice?

 

I think you just need to chill out and stop worrying over things that MAY or MAY NOT happen in the future. How about you just relax and enjoy his company and not set expectations? He said what he wanted in the future, you know what you want in the future. Talk about it when the time comes. In the meantime, why pass up on a potentially great relationship?

 

Also, the US is one of the few countries that feels the ages of the man/woman in a relationship should be close. Just about everywhere else in the world, the man is usually much older. That is because other cultures understand that older men are more established and embrace it. Those relationships work, there is no reason why yours can not.

 

Don't worry about what our society says. All that matters is how you feel about him. If you think it will work, it will. If you think it won't, it won't. Self-fulfilling prophesy.

[Ms. Joolie]

I was in a relationship with a guy who was 13 years older. I met him when I was 24 and he was 36. Here's my perspective..

 

 

We kind of decided to just keep hanging out and see what happens. But Im wondering if I should even bother. I dont know what I want and I sure as hell dont want to waste his time or ruin a potential mate for him that is ready for kids and wants to get married.

 

You are not going to know what you want for a long time, and take your time. That's what your twenties are for.

 

 

If I got with somebody my age, we could grow together. With him, he is already grown, but can be a great leader for me.

 

Yes, and you two could grow together as well. Just because he's 13 years older doesn't mean he's got his relationship world together. If you are compatible with each other and the chemistry is there, the relationship could be a wonderful experience for both of you. Don't put any pressure on yourself over it, just experience it as it comes. Eventually you will discover what you want from a relationship with him. Once you know, be honest with yourself and be honest with him about it.

 

Not to mention... older men are amazing lovers that are way more aware and attentive to the woman and her needs. Wow!

 

Older men have more confidence, but especially with younger woman, so it's no surprise that they seem like amazing lovers.

 

 

I dated the guy who was 13 yrs older on and off for three years. We we're compatible and with good chemistry. Of course his friends we're older (I was always going to 40th bday parties it seems...lol) but I didn't mind. I would have totally continued the relationship with him, but the relationship didn't work for other reasons - reasons not related to his age, experience or career.

 

To be honest... I struggled with a lot of things throughout my twenties (I'm 27 now) and just very recently said goodbye to this relationship. Think of it this way, our relationship didn't survive the growing pains of my twenties. lol.

 

But as I said already, it can be a wonderful experience. Grow together. Discover what kind of relationship you two can have, want to have. Be honest. And just go from there.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

His age, divided by 2, plus 7. That's the rule for the youngest a man can date.

 

(36/2)+7= 25.

 

There, you have the math gods permission. Have fun.

 

 

 

Nope, you have the numbers correct, but you don't understand what they mean.

 

 

That was the result of a survey which asked men what age woman would be ideal for him.

 

The average response was represented mathematically with that formula.

 

 

The "youngest" a man can date, remains "18" in most U.S. locales, depending too on whether he is more than 5 years her senior and/or whether he is in a position of authority over her.