Author Kamille Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Well I'm trying to catch up with the whole story. You mentioned he wasn't supportive when you were trying to finish your thesis? How so? I went searching for the thread, but my computer is being horribly slow today. Here's a link to the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207421/ Basically, when I was finishing my thesis, after I had told him I would likely need support, he was very distant. We talked about it and the conversation went well. He was having a crazy week at work and was also feeling disturbed about something that had happened the weekend before. I do think though that there are people who would be. It's a different type of independence. Exactly. I don't think there is anything wrong with his actions of last night per se. I do think it likely means we don't expect/want/need the same things from a relationship. We likely prioritize differently. I feel like I am ready to take it to the next step. He's been talking the talk of love and next step and what not, but he hasn't been walking the walk. One perspective: he's a fair weather friend/boyfriend. He can't deal with stress in his own life therefore, stress in the lives of those he cares about can't be dealt with at all, therefore is ignored. Another perspective: he isn't prioritizing the relationship and seeing it as "serious", perhaps because you two haven't been dating terribly long. Either way, I'm sorry about your grandfather and that this guy doesn't seem to bring to the table what you would do in his place. The turning off his phone thing is pretty cold, since he was probably out of the meeting by then. Thanks for the perspectives Isolde. My grandfather pulled through. The doctors now think he suffered complications from the H1N1 shot. He's now alert, conscious and making jokes. We're all breathing a sigh of relief. The doctors are still weary of a relapse. Basically, they're not sure if he's just better before a relapse or simply getting better. I'm just glad I get to spend some time with him . You talk a lot about being independent, but maybe the type of guy you really want, isn't the type you've been dating. Have you ever thought about that? Interesting thought Isolde. I can't seem to find the right balance when it comes to guys. If you have any input on what kind of guy I should be dating, please please share!
Author Kamille Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Ok, so you did text him. At what point did he call you back? He called me back when I was on my way to the airport, after I sent him a second or third text. My last text to him said I was shocked that I couldn't get a hold of him. He isn't a jerk. I think we're just not on the same page when it comes to what we want from this R.
Star Gazer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Isolde makes some interesting points. He's either a fair weather boyfriend, or just doesn't prioritize the relationship. You're not clingy, or expecting more than any other reasonable person in your position would. Has he apologized, or been supportive at all about the situation with your grandfather since you've been able to speak with him? Or has the focus of the conversations been about him not being there for you when you need him? I'm concerned though. Your grandfather is dying, and you started a thread about your BF, rather than your family crisis. Yes, they're related (inextricably so under the circumstances), but are you prioritizing this guy too much?
Isolde Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Since you asked for my input, I'll only say that you seem to date men that treat you really well when they're around you, but don't, as you put it, "walk the walk" when they're not around you. It is almost as if they're only halfway committed and somehow can't take the final step or two. Also, your attitudes are pretty inconsistent as well. With the past two men you've talked about on here, at first you were waffling about whether you liked them or not, then became invested, then THEY started waffling. I'm not saying everything has to be perfect right away, but you seem to date rather difficult men, that in turn inspire complex reactions between the two of you, rather than moving things forward.
Vertex Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Since you asked for my input, I'll only say that you seem to date men that treat you really well when they're around you, but don't, as you put it, "walk the walk" when they're not around you. It is almost as if they're only halfway committed and somehow can't take the final step or two. Also, your attitudes are pretty inconsistent as well. With the past two men you've talked about on here, at first you were waffling about whether you liked them or not, then became invested, then THEY started waffling. I'm not saying everything has to be perfect right away, but you seem to date rather difficult men, that in turn inspire complex reactions between the two of you, rather than moving things forward. Agreed 100% -- quoting for emphasis
Author Kamille Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Isolde makes some interesting points. He's either a fair weather boyfriend, or just doesn't prioritize the relationship. You're not clingy, or expecting more than any other reasonable person in your position would. Has he apologized, or been supportive at all about the situation with your grandfather since you've been able to speak with him? Or has the focus of the conversations been about him not being there for you when you need him? I'm concerned though. Your grandfather is dying, and you started a thread about your BF, rather than your family crisis. Yes, they're related (inextricably so under the circumstances), but are you prioritizing this guy too much? Yes he has apologized. He did so this afternoon, by text, and also sent his regards to my whole family. As to my grandfather, I spent the whole day talking with him and about him with my family. We've given each other plenty of support. He's been doing better since this morning. I haven't really had the opportunity to talk about my relationship with anyone IRL, which is why I really appreciate being able to talk things out here. Isolde, those are some great observations. Note to self: stop dating difficult men. Although, to be honest, I'm way overdue for a break from dating.
Fuzzy Dunlop Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 At first I was going to say that, although he made a mistake, it can be forgiven once you talk to him and make it clear how the situation made you feel. But then I saw that there is a history of him not being there. And the turning off the phone is just too much. Sounds like you two are not compatible or looking for the same things right now. Sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Lakeside_runner Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 It's not 'clingy' or 'needy' when you expect someone to be there for you in times of extreme personal distress... that's the point of being in a relationship!
DanielMadr Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Say it's 7:15 pm and you're in a meeting. Your phone rings and you pick it up anyway because the meeting started at seven and everyone is still chitchatting. Your significant other is on the phone. They are calling to tell you their grandparent is dying and that they are looking into flights to fly home in the hopes of seeing their grandparent one last time. Your partner hasn't booked the tickets yet so you agree that partner will call you back once they have more info. Do you pick up the phone when it rings again, even though you're in a meeting? Unless he is performing surgery via conference call or coordinating attack on terrorist cell or is giving an important speach or briefing and knows you can wait a little longer. Did he call back? And the most important question....despite of this...do you love him? You dont need proofs like this to leave him, you know.
pandagirl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I can't believe he turned off his phone. I call FOUL on that. If I knew my significant other or close friend was going through something where I knew they might need to reach me, I would never turn off my phone or avoid their texts/calls. Maybe he's not a jerk, but he definitely lacking some emotional/relationship skills that are needed to have a successful and loving partnership. I don't know about this guy for you, Kamille. :/
A O Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Do you pick up the phone when it rings again, even though you're in a meeting? If you have a history of needing support, then I'd be inclined to leave your call. On the other hand, if needing support is a rarity then I'm all ears and more... .
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I'd rather die broke surrounded by loved ones. Infer from that what my priorities would be. IMO, your partner is likely incompatible with your core sensibilities. Businesspeople's phones do not 'run out of battery' or 'have problems'. Sure, of course they do (in real life) but anyone who relies on a phone for business ensures that it is functional at all times, either with a backup phone or backup batteries. Many of my business colleagues carry two phones, one for business and one for personal use. IMO, if the OP is 'needy' (I'm not inferring it but rather commenting on the possibility), then her partner should evaluate it the same as she is evaluating this situation, from the standpoint of compatibility. I can tell you, if a woman routinely did this to me, she'd be eating a silence sandwich in no time
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