cqueenie27 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) Hey! its been 2 months of this nonsense, so I figured I would see what you guys think... After dating for a year, my ex and I broke up in October of 08. His ex (whom he left a year.5 earlier b/c he didn't want to marry her and she was controlling and overmotional) had moved into town and I assumed he was going back to her. it was over - so we thought. March 09 he told me that he'd like to get back together, so we had a nice few months of working on things and taking it slow (no sex). After a great wknd I found out that he had taken the ex to her family reunion and failed to mention it. It wasn't our first fight, but the first time I got really upset about something. He called me over emotional, compared me to her and well you get the picture, he did apologize but the trust was gone - so I ended it. One week later he apologized again and told me he was serious about trying things again, so we talked out all the remaining problems. He agreed to change some things, and asked me to wait until he moved away from her to make things official... nothing changed. Granted i only gave it less then a month for him to change... but he didn't. I stopped calling... and so did he. That was it. Now, though he has moved away from her - I hear that he's sleeping with her. They have pictures on facebook together. Our mutual friends tell me that he has said he has no intention of getting back together with her (though that may have changed by now for all I know), and that he doesn't look at her lovingly the way he looked at me. I don't quite understand why he chose her over me... if he did, or if he thinks "(I) left so why not?" or if he really loves her and wants to try things again. She has made it very clear despite everything that she wants to marry him. I don't know how clear he's made his intentions, or if he's just telling everyone something different then he's telling her. They seem to be doing everything together... and we had only been NC for 2 weeks or so when they apparently started hooking up again. We haven't spoken since August. So now I wonder, though he said he was staying in the area this year to be close to me... was he really into her the whole time? He hasn't chased me, and that NC on his part makes part of me feel like I meant nothing to him. He cast me out the way I always wished he would with her (well, i just wanted him to tone the friendship down to an acquaintance, not kick her out of his life). Part of me also misses him. Every time i see something that reminds me of him/our jokes i want to tell him. Part of me also thinks I didn't give it a good chance, I was hesitant and distant. He was toying around with "I love you" (said it intoxicated, and he said "I do" when i'd say "yoooou love me" jokingly) but I never said it back - I couldn't tell if he was serious or not, and I didn't want to ruin the real *look me in the eye and romantically say it* moment if it was coming. Our friends have invited me down to visit this weekend, and I'm not sure i should go. He avoided the first occasion he would have seen me at (our undergrad homecoming last month) I don't even know if he will attend if he knows that I'm going. My emotions change from "I should show up, and show him that I do want this, we can make it work" to feeling like I could never go back, to being angry, to sad, to missing him - its so odd. Can anyone make sense out of the way I feel and what is best to do? Thanks so much in advance! Edited November 6, 2009 by cqueenie27 minor details
JL911 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 First off CONGRATS on your freedom and the ability to keep no contact. Through life you will find this is a process of elimination where you will come across people with certain characteristics that make you fall in love with them. Through time things will either become stronger or weaker. You will eventually see that all of this happens for a reason and bigger better things are on the horizon for you. Im not saying the next one, or the one after will be the one forever, but you should see that each of your new relationships will turn into something better than the last... Stay away from this guy, remain in no contact and focus your energy on yourself and your own happiness. This person is not the root of your happiness. All of the feeligns of sadness, anger, and feeling alone are all very normal for break ups. I encourage you to vent your frustrations and get it all out and over with.
Author cqueenie27 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Hey, Thanks for the assurance. Its now 3.5 months, still NC. I'm doing much better but I'm not there yet. I'm wondering why it takes the heart so long to heal, and I can't wait to feel full again. With the holidays coming, i have to stop myself from thinking that he will reach out to me while he's home. Instead i have to remind myself that she will probably accompany him, and I won't be thought of. They are still not officially dating. I don't understand it, but its not my place to judge. I found out later that he and she refused to attend the party if I attended... I don't know what i did to upset him so much - when we were dating he had always said he wanted to maintain a friendship if things didn't work out. it really is a shame, but I'm glad he's happy. So, we didn't see each other. I'm giving myself 6 full months to recover before I open myself up to anything new. That puts me at Feb 17th. Thanks again -C
red_cloud Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You're doing really well and are really brave. This guy sounds like a real jerk - he broke up with his ex gf, started dating you while talking bs about his ex (she's controlling, etc), and then broke up with you and wend back to her even though she'll all of these things that he said he DOESN'T like. Do you really want a boyfriend like this? And is this guy really worth being jealous over - this girl doesn't sound like she's getting the better end of the deal here. Remain NC and you'll get over it. Six months is also a great idea. The mixture of emotions is normal - the path to getting oversome is never a straight line but full of ups and downs - one day you feel great, 5 min later you're angry as can be, and then the next day you spend the entire day sobbing in bed - but over time the episodes will become less frequent and then you'll think about your ex and just shake your head at how much time you wasted. But seriously.. this doesn't sound like a good guy, I'm positive you can do SOOOOOO much better.
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