jaco Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 My now ex-GF and I had been dating for 2 years when she finished college and moved back home last spring. We were fully committed to a long distance relationship; I was going to finish grad school this winter and move to her city to live together (I was also going to propose). Although the distance was super tough, we made it a point to see each other at least a couple times a month and talk on the phone every day. Things were great until the past couple months, I could feel her pulling away from me in some way. Not necessarily emotionally, but physically she didn't project an attraction for me like she used to. I tried to make it a point to be very romantic and complimentary of her when we were together, but I kept feeling her pull away from me. Finally, fearing that I could be making a huge mistake moving hundreds of miles for a relationship that could fall apart, I told her how I felt and that I needed some time to think about things. We decided it would be best to talk in person and we talked the next time she was in town. I expressed to her that, although I felt the emotional connection is the most important part of a relationship, there must be the physical component as well. I wasn't sure our relationship could work the way it was heading. She promised to show me more affection this way and we decided to give it another shot. Things were going much better when suddenly, 2 days later, I talk to her and she tells me I was probably right and that there was no point in going on. She also pointed out several things that she felt the relationship was lacking in. I tentatively agreed with her at the time and we stopped talking for a few days. I guess being at the other end of "let's not do this anymore" really hit home with me and I became really depressed. I called her and told her I wanted to work things out, but she was pretty adamant that I had hurt her and she had "put walls up" to make her not love me anymore. I asked her to simply give me a chance to make things better (like I had done for her a couple weeks prior, though I didn't say this). She was very reluctant to say we could work on things or that it was even a possibility things could be reconciled. So basically the past few days, I've been talking to/writing her to convince her how things are going to be different and it's not me blowing smoke up her butt. Sometimes, we talk and it's just like old times. Other times, she won't even answer my calls. I know I should give her space, but it's just so hard when I know the love of my life could be in jeopardy! Plus, it makes things worse that my previous long term relationship ended with me not trying hard enough in the end. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE??
Enema Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Summary for you from my perspective: 1) You notice her being distant and ask for a break 2) She panics because she's afraid to be alone and asks for another chance 3) She realizes, "hey, why am I so scared to lose this guy?" and says it's over I think she was headed this way all along. You know, I know it, she knows it. Move on!
mimiminx Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Moving on is much easier said than done. That is THE last thing people want to hear when they're going through a painful breakup. Besides, people were telling me to move on and I got back together with my guy after 2 months, and I knew in my heart we'd come back together. So Jaco, don't listen to people who tell you to move on. It's only been a short amount of time from what you wrote. My advice to you is take a step back... you know this. You express that you want to try, and you should. If you haven't already, lay your cards on the table for her. In my opinion, you will never regret being honest. If you can tell her how you feel and what you WANT in a calm, concise way... you can walk away knowing you tried to salvage things. I know it must be horrible being so far apart too... my bf and I were broken up for 2 months and were in different states, so I understand the agony of being so far away. Hang in there...
Author jaco Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Moving on is much easier said than done. That is THE last thing people want to hear when they're going through a painful breakup. Besides, people were telling me to move on and I got back together with my guy after 2 months, and I knew in my heart we'd come back together. So Jaco, don't listen to people who tell you to move on. It's only been a short amount of time from what you wrote. My advice to you is take a step back... you know this. You express that you want to try, and you should. If you haven't already, lay your cards on the table for her. In my opinion, you will never regret being honest. If you can tell her how you feel and what you WANT in a calm, concise way... you can walk away knowing you tried to salvage things. I know it must be horrible being so far apart too... my bf and I were broken up for 2 months and were in different states, so I understand the agony of being so far away. Hang in there... Thanks for the good advice mimiminx. As you suggested, I have put everything out there in a very genuine and open manner. This was actually one of the things she brought up as a shortcoming in our relationship - my lack of emotional openness. Although I had made strides in this area from 2-1/2 years ago, she felt I was still not completely open. During this process, I've been COMPLETELY open about everything. She's been astonished at how much I've been putting out there, but she still feels things may be irreconcilable. The fact that I laid all shame at the door and made it completely known to her how I was feeling and she still didn't want to actively try to work on things made me feel like there was something she wasn't telling me. It's not like she said it wasn't a possibility for us to get back together, but she also never said it was. It's like being in some kind of awful limbo. Sure enough, I got a better idea of what was going on last night. I was on IM and noticed her icon pop up. I messaged her and she said she couldn't talk and then I asked her why (how pathetic am I sounding right now?). She said she had company. I asked her if it was a guy and she responded “Why does it matter?” We talked on the phone later that night and she confirmed she is seeing someone else. Upon talking to her psychologist, he recommended that she see other people to see if her lack of physicality is just with me or with men in general at this point in her life (I’m really hating psychologists right now). After another long conversation in which I poured my heart out trying to convince her how we could work on things to make them even better than before and how I would do whatever it takes to make things perfect, I finally came to the conclusion that all I can do is give her space. But, as I’m sure a bunch of you know, is EXTREMELY hard when you know your GF/BF is with someone else who is actively trying to tear them away.
name witheld Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Seems to be a common factor on here. Always another guy waiting in the wings, so when things don't work with you they go weird. And that seems to signal that another guy is involved. Women want security so why would they let that go (even in a relationship thats bad in their eyes) unless there was another option available? Or at the very least potentially available. Downside is, seems to be with that logic that my girl is somewhere ****ing this other guy right now - no doubt.
name witheld Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Ok so I don't know if that last post is 100% accurate. There is an undeniable logic behind it though, seems to be fuelled by not knowing what she is doing and just guessing really. I'm pretty sure she was not seeing somebody else, at least as of last time we saw each other, as we had spent a lot of time together (weekends etc) leading up to NC. Doesn't mean to say there isn't another guy involved, maybe its more she was not seeing somebody else YET. Who cares, can't change it either way. All we can do is stay in NC. Sorry for ranting and hijacking your thread - stay NC it is better not knowing.
Author jaco Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Just an update for anyone who cares...at the very least, it gives me a chance to get my thoughts out of my head and maybe make some more sense out of them. Several people have been reaching out to me during this time and one of them happens to be this girl I've been off-an-on with for several years. We've always had a great time together, but something or someone has always kind of gotten in the way of it going forward seriously or getting past just "fooling around". We've been talking and actually started dating. Things have been going really well. The only kicker now is that the ex is starting to come around and seems more open than ever to re-ignite things. Ordinarily, I'd have a pretty good handle on what I need to do, but this whole break up, getting turned down, etc. hasn't had me thinking straight. Part of me feels like I should pursue things with the girl I'm dating now and spurn the ex who was hesitant to give me a second chance. Another part of me feels like I might be acting to feel the void left from the ex with the girl I'm dating now and that I should possibly explore things with the ex. I know the answer's probably obvious, but I've just been so jacked up emotionally that I'm doubting my own judgement. Any advice?
Enema Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I don't think you should date either of them. You were seriously dating this girl for 2 years, you shouldn't jump straight to the next person that is willing. Be single for a while and ditch the ex. Two comments on her: 1) The guy was at her house. Sounds like she's been seeing him a while. 2) Now she's interested in you again, probably didn't work out with the other guy and you're her backup plan like you were all along.
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