lookingforyou Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Is it me or do some of you find it hard to be around people you like? I know it's counter-intuitive but I get really nervous when it's with someone I like. If it's people I don't care for, I just treat them as friends and are really nice to be around. I know the thing to do is relax and just be myself but I seem to not be able to do with guys I like. Does that mean he doesn't make me feel comfortable so it's not a good fit or is it just me sabotaging myself?
Author lookingforyou Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Does anyone have any pointers?
WhenULove Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 By 'like' I suppose you mean, with people you have an attraction for? When you know there's a clear cut boundary of who is a friend and who is someone you would foresee a romantic interest, this uneasiness will slowly disappear. It's also very much a representation of your personality. Some people flirt and go crazy with everyone, and dont hold back. Some people just try to key-in on signs that there might be something going on. If you are the shy type, people you are attracted to may make it hard to be yourself. Break the ice one on one maybe? Try to get them aside and just talk as friends to start. Show interest in them & listen to what they have to say.
confusedasever Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I flippen hear ya! I feel the same damn way. I have just become single after 5 years and I have dated a few guys, but this one I really like and I think I am going to screw it up. I probably already did(why I am on here) I don't know what to do...
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Does anyone have any pointers? OP, from your other thread, M means 'marriage'.... Also, I didn't realize you are female. I still might be able to help, with a markedly different perspective than many men. The key IMO is in how you feel about that nervousness and inability to 'be yourself'. I've found, becoming comfortable with those feelings and accepting them as part of who I am allows me to feel them but still behave in a way which my mind says is appropriate. Imagine that the guy you like has the same feelings, that he has a hard time being 'himself' around you because he likes you so much. Can you do that? Empathize a bit and move beyond yourself? Try approaching such situations from that perspective. I have a long history of 'screwing up' with women; many painful lessons and a failed marriage. That life experience has shown me that being open to answers and accepting my responsibility without blame and self-denigration (IOW, it's OK to fail and that doesn't make me a failure) really helped change my prespective and consequently my relationships with others. If this sounds confusing, I'm way jet-lagged after flying 19 hours yesterday and what you read is what you get Hopefully perhaps it will help. Best wishes
Author lookingforyou Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Would you know whether a date is uncomfortable with you? I sure don't want to come across as uncomfortable.
Author lookingforyou Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 The key IMO is in how you feel about that nervousness and inability to 'be yourself'. I've found, becoming comfortable with those feelings and accepting them as part of who I am allows me to feel them but still behave in a way which my mind says is appropriate. This is quite deep but I think I know what you mean. Not necessarily I can improve right now though. Imagine that the guy you like has the same feelings, that he has a hard time being 'himself' around you because he likes you so much. Can you do that? Empathize a bit and move beyond yourself? Try approaching such situations from that perspective. So to do unto others how you want others to do to you?
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 TBH, I feel it. I feel this distance between us. I've always felt it when it existed, but when younger thought it was my own insecurities, but, with life experience, came to understand and accept my own instincts. That said, I balance the feeling with acceptance of what life experience (the rational part) is telling me. It's like the ability to put myself in another's shoes and look critically at myself and my behaviors. I did this purposely this morning while posting here on LS. I sat in a corner in the hotel lounge where there was a mirror and I could see myself as I reacted to what was going on around me as well as when I was posting. Often, we don't see how we naturally react because we can't see ourselves and what we project through our expressions and body language. Literally looking in the mirror can sometimes offer insight, and it has for me. YMMV
Author lookingforyou Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 TBH, I feel it. I feel this distance between us. I've always felt it when it existed, but when younger thought it was my own insecurities, but, with life experience, came to understand and accept my own instincts. That said, I balance the feeling with acceptance of what life experience (the rational part) is telling me. It's like the ability to put myself in another's shoes and look critically at myself and my behaviors. Would that affect you wanting to ask a girl out again if you felt the distance or her discomfort?
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 TBH, now, at 50, I'd risk saying 'I feel this distance; is my perception incorrect?' I'd risk a negative emotional response. I'll tell you why. It's because, IMO, such discourse is part of the honest path to intimacy, if there is to be any. If not, there's no sense in continuing, if one's goal is an intimate relationship. After my divorce is final and I begin to socialize with women with romantic intent, I'll let you know how that works out
Author lookingforyou Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 TBH, now, at 50, I'd risk saying 'I feel this distance; is my perception incorrect?' I'd risk a negative emotional response. I'll tell you why. It's because, IMO, such discourse is part of the honest path to intimacy, if there is to be any. If not, there's no sense in continuing, if one's goal is an intimate relationship. After my divorce is final and I begin to socialize with women with romantic intent, I'll let you know how that works out Good luck with that one! I like honesty in people. I wish I had told my date that I was nervous and it had nothing to do with him. I was just nervous because I like him.
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 It's OK to be wrong when the work is to get it right. IOW, I could accept my perception as incorrect if the result is better intimacy and a more honest connection. FWIW, I've never had a woman say that to me, so I honestly don't know how I'd react. As a man with an unhealthy fetish for emotionally unavailable women, I guess I should expect that. Working on changing that fetish
Author lookingforyou Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 It's OK to be wrong when the work is to get it right. IOW, I could accept my perception as incorrect if the result is better intimacy and a more honest connection. FWIW, I've never had a woman say that to me, so I honestly don't know how I'd react. So telling the date I'm nervous wouldn't be ideal?
carhill Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I can't speak for other men but I'd have no problem with it; like I said, after my edit , my fetish is *my* problem. It's the conundrum of what is healthy versus what is attractive....
A O Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 So telling the date I'm nervous wouldn't be ideal? It would be absolutely ideal mainly because most people experience this at some point in time and therefore can resonate with how you're feeling. It's a good icebreaker and takes the pressure off both people but you especially . .
Bullydog1982 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 So telling the date I'm nervous wouldn't be ideal? I've had one women this past year say this to me but she was very tactful on her approach and kept her cool for the date (with the exception of a few slight nervous glances). I appreciated her honesty on the matter and in a weird way it actually put me at ease for the rest of the date (Possible control issue? I don't know yet....). I think if this guy likes you and is fairly mature it wouldn't be an issue but it all depends on your devliery and how you handle yourself for the rest of the date. Didn't mean to cut in on you CarHill, as a long time lurker (this whole past year) I just wanted to say I appreciate your insights. They've helped me a lot.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I feel for you. I get totally nervous around a guy when I like him a lot. The way I deal with it is generally humor. And if he's receptive, generally sarcasm. I like me a guy that understands/appreciates sarcasm.
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