The last straw why do I feel I need him

[feelingempty]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm 44 year old woman met a wonderful guy been with him 5 years and 4 years common law. Being a blended family isn't easy but this takes the cake.

 

The last 4 years he has been working out of town home on weekends, which has been very hard the last 2 years, communication has broken down the phone wasn't cutting it but we loved each other and made it work. He has a nasty habit of lying from the smallest detail to some whoppers that most women would have left a long time ago. But then again I had my time of jealousy we worked on it but about 6 months ago I caught him with a profile on a few dating sites and him sending letters to younger women to meet him for drinks at the local bar in the town he works in.

 

Well of course I flipped he denied it at first but I had proof well it was a rough road for a few weeks I forgave him. Last night I had a gut feeling from the way he was acting yesterday and asked him if he was on dating sites again he said no.

 

Instead he wrote a letter to his ex g/f telling her how much he thinks of her and never found love like hers and wishes things would have worked out for them. Well here I am the fool again and god knows what else went on behind my back. I hung up on him and put the nc in place which i can say I have not stopped crying today.

 

He sent a short email saying sorry that's it !!! I feel like a idiot I have been so lonely the last few years and now empty in hopes he will call but I must be living in a dream world. I need encouragement to keep the NC in place it's only a matter of time he will want to sell the house and I have no where to go with my kids.

[dgiirl]

I'm sad to hear about your situation. It doesn't sound like either of you guys are getting your needs met, if he feels the need to contact other women. Although it hurts, I think you are doing the right thing with no contact. He's not giving 100% of his attention to your relationship, and you deserve that! Let him go and move on. Although being single again might seem scary at first, it's better to be "alone" single, than feeling lonely and in a relationship. At least when you are single, you can give 100% of your attention back to YOU. It is a lot more liberating than being in a dead-end relationship.

 

Keep writing!

[feelingempty]

Thank you for taking the time to write.

 

This NC thing is killing me I so bad want to call and go what the hell!!! Sad note is I called my lawyers to see if i have any rights being common law with a home and cottage and they said not much b/c he never put my name on them smooth move he knew what was up. I'm a fool a broken hearted fool that probably take him back if he wanted to come back. I'm so sick I want to get drunk as hell but I know that would lead me to call him. Help

[FeelingLonely98]

I am also so sorry you are going thru this feelingempty. (I am a "feeling" one also!)

 

I traveled every other week for business and was home every weekend. My W left me because she flipped out, became a different person and had a Mid life crisis. (You can read my threads if you wanna know MY wacky story!) BUT I sometimes wonder if my being away periodically affected her. She never said anything. (I never did a single inappropraite thing while away! I just want to make that known!)

 

When my W asked for the D 70 days ago I was a WRECK. a walking zombie, crying, not functioning, not eatting (lost 35 lbs.)

The only thing that saved me was my family (sisters and Mom). AND this website!!!

There are wonderful caring people here that have more wisdom than I do and will try to help you and advise you well. I suggest you seek out family if you can, or some very close friends. You will need that no matter what you choose. AND, please keep posting here. Read other posts. Posts your thoughts here if it helps. It helped me ... (I'm sure some say at times - Oh boy, another "FL98" post!!)

 

I do not necessarily think what you're doing and dgiirl supports is right. (Sorry dg!)

I think it is too early to initiate NC. My God, have you 2 talked deeply about all of this? Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you both truly listened to each other? Would he give up the out of town travelling to save the M? I would have done that in my case if it would have saved MY marriage.

My 47 yr old W is having a full blown affair with an 18 yr old boy currently and I am not certain what I would do if she came crawling back right now. I just think it is too early for and your H to not talk.

 

Please keep posting here. You will get lots of great advice from great people.

 

GOOD LUCK feelingempty...

Edited November 6, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[feelingempty]

Thank you FL98

 

He wants nothing to do with me he said it's over When he was on dating sites a few months back we worked it out but never really talked about it. MC was out since he was gone week from week. I do believe he has someone new already in his sites. If i do call and try to talk he blows up at me about everything and anything. He has a bad temper so do I mind you but I seem to let stuff go very quickly I hate going to bed angry where he will hate me for days. So I'm scared to call and also on the last phone call we had at the break up he said he did something bad the night before I asked what and he said didn't make a difference anymore.......left me to believe he slept with some little hottie. anyways here i sit waiting for some kind of contact from him and feel i'm getting weaker by the moment pray for me I'm very down

[FeelingLonely98]

Thank you FL98

 

He wants nothing to do with me he said it's over When he was on dating sites a few months back we worked it out but never really talked about it. MC was out since he was gone week from week. I do believe he has someone new already in his sites. If i do call and try to talk he blows up at me about everything and anything. He has a bad temper so do I mind you but I seem to let stuff go very quickly I hate going to bed angry where he will hate me for days. So I'm scared to call and also on the last phone call we had at the break up he said he did something bad the night before I asked what and he said didn't make a difference anymore.......left me to believe he slept with some little hottie. anyways here i sit waiting for some kind of contact from him and feel i'm getting weaker by the moment pray for me I'm very down

 

OK - with this bit of info. I now agree that you should probably initiate the NC now. And you must find your support system - family, friends, ... you will need them. Go over to their place. Invite them to come to your place - spend the night. Make this effort, ok? Be around people that love and care for you. Go to counseling sessions for you. You can not change him - the NC may make him realize what he's missing and if he comes back to you then you are in control of the situation and can go from there.

 

But for now - be good to YOU!!! If he NEVER comes back then at least you're already on the path to a better you (hobbies, do at least one "fun" thing every day, do things you never did before, ETC). (This is the 180 that you will hear about and can read up on LS) You will see this down the road. If he does come back then the time working on you was all good anyways.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

PEACE!

[feelingempty]

Ty

for giving me a helping hand, I have a small network in my life that is coming back into my life I suppose I pushed away. My younger sister and a younger good friend (girl) They help just got back in with my géf and my sister came and got me and i layed on here couch and felt safe for 2 hours.

 

Both of them pregos :-) I ventured outside myself both days it really helps both have different ways up boosting me up one hurmorus the other calm and collective. I need that. Now i`m home wondering will he be that rude and come home or will he just get his kids and do the we are breaking up I will miss those kids through all the crap kids can give.

 

Now i start drinking first drunk coming on from the breakup he dam lovely letter to his ex so I don`t consider this a helpful in my sistuation but feel I need it I just better not break down at the end of the night béc I don`t have him to have a giggle with.........or even worse argue with

[FeelingLonely98]

Ty

for giving me a helping hand, I have a small network in my life that is coming back into my life I suppose I pushed away. My younger sister and a younger good friend (girl) They help just got back in with my géf and my sister came and got me and i layed on here couch and felt safe for 2 hours.

 

Both of them pregos :-) I ventured outside myself both days it really helps both have different ways up boosting me up one hurmorus the other calm and collective. I need that. Now i`m home wondering will he be that rude and come home or will he just get his kids and do the we are breaking up I will miss those kids through all the crap kids can give.

 

Now i start drinking first drunk coming on from the breakup he dam lovely letter to his ex so I don`t consider this a helpful in my sistuation but feel I need it I just better not break down at the end of the night béc I don`t have him to have a giggle with.........or even worse argue with

 

If you need a drink have one. Just don't overdo it. Will probably make you feel worse later. I know it is veryt soon, but find somehting to do.

 

You know I always loved Mom and my sisters dearly but we didn't interact a whole lot. We had our "own lives". Called each other a couple times a month. Visited 4-5-6 times a year. Holidays, Etc. But I leaned on them heavily throughout this and they all came to bat for me. I spent many a night on the couch. Many nights it was a bitch-fest aimed at the STBXW - other times I longed for her and cried about everything. I would stop by and have dinner or bring dinner. I didn't drink alone when I was home thru this, but one night my sis and I sat on her balcony and drank a whole bottle of rum, we laughed, cried, cursed, hugged, ... Everything. I would have done the same for them if the tables were reversed. This kind of interaction saved me. Not saved my life, but saved from reaching a deeper darker more depressed state. I encourage you to try this as well.

 

Where do you live?

[feelingempty]

I live in a small city in in northern Ontario, I`m very glad for you having the support you needed. As me having anyone to drink with that would want to put up with my up and down emotions of all this bull crap, remember they are expecting lol

 

 

No one else just me and my self. I have my teen children and they are old enough to listen to a degree they have their lives and life lesson learned béc of course they feel the same they know me !!!!!!! To the curb mom he is not for you. Cheers everyone :-) I`ll keep in touch yourè in for a ride ....because I love him

 

excuse for the french keyboard I`m english and the keyboard plays games with me :-)

[feelingempty]

Morning,

 

I'm up I didn't sleep that bad sad thing is i'm alone kids at work and of course he is on my mind feeling very down hearted. I didn't break the NC one small step but I feel weaker today I guess its b/c he would be home today.

 

I keep thinking in my mind the letter he wrote his ex and my heart breaks more I guess I meant nothing to him the last 5 years

[dgiirl]

Morning,

 

I'm up I didn't sleep that bad sad thing is i'm alone kids at work and of course he is on my mind feeling very down hearted. I didn't break the NC one small step but I feel weaker today I guess its b/c he would be home today.

 

I keep thinking in my mind the letter he wrote his ex and my heart breaks more I guess I meant nothing to him the last 5 years

 

New routine's are hard to adjust to. And it's common to become sad and depressed during those times where you use to spend time together. You need to start a new routine where you can do things for yourself! Some fun things, fun busy things you never could before, just for yourself! The worse thing you can do is sit at home doing nothing but "stinkin thinkin" (as pwsx3 calls it).

 

Get out and enjoy the day! Go shopping, even if it's just to look, not buy! I use to go shopping with the intention of not buying, but playing dress up, just to try new clothes, styles I would never have tried before, just to see what they look on me. It was a fun way to spend an afternoon. I found some clothes that looked ridiculous on me, and I found some others that looked great on me and I adopted them to my "new style".

 

Go to your local library and pick up some books to read. Financial books, relationship books, self help books, how-to books or just novels! My local library also has dvd's, so I can see some movies I might not otherwise watch.

 

Go for a walk in your local park, go visit some touristy places in your city! If you have a camera, take it along with you and take some photographs! I find with my camera in hand, I have a "purpose" being there and don't feel so lonely. Or start a new hobby, one you've always wanted to try.

 

Just get out! No matter how tired you are, Keep Busy! And the more fun you have, the more adventures you have, the more you challenge yourself out of your comfort zone, the quicker your self confidence will boost back up, and the less you'll think of him or want him.

[feelingempty]

thank you for your reply,

 

Sound advice I know but when the heart and head are playing games hard to put into action. I'm minutes away to calling him even though he screens his calls he won't answer I wish I wasn't such a sap and could stay angry but after all we been through this comes as a shock what he did I want to call i haven't since we lasted talked Thursday morning in most cases I always do call.

 

The way he thinks that I'm not pinning for him and that I don't care but I do and I sit on the fence wondering does he even care? We have alot together and usually by now he would be sending emails telling me to get out of the house I don't know I'm stressing again

[feelingempty]

I think i'm going to call him to see how much he hates me for what he has done or just to calm my mind I don't know I'm struggling here

[feelingempty]

I just called his cell and of course he didn't answer I didn't leave a message either but he has caller display he knows it was me so the ball is in his court he can see I care and by what happens next I'll know there is no chance in hell we ar getting back together. I probably made things worse for my emotional well being but I had to try once. I'm tired all ready need a nap sign i'm so sad

[PWSX3]

Instead of calling & getting depressed because he won't answer, I would like to suggest writing it down on paper, then when you are done just throw it away.

 

It really does help to put your feelings down on paper. It is different then typing it as well, so just write but always throw them away, that is also part of the healing I feel.

This helps you figure out what you want, might help you figure out why you feel you need him.

 

The most important thing is to do things for yourself......

 

Dgiirl has some good advice, get out & try new things. It's VERY hard at first but it does get easier when you find something you like to do.

Edited November 7, 2009 by PWSX3

[dgiirl]

Sound advice I know but when the heart and head are playing games hard to put into action.

 

I know it's hard! But even if it's just a 5 minute walk in the park it will do you some good. It helps to clear the head.

 

I also like PWSX's suggestion. Get a diary and write! Write all your feelings down. Write all your fears down. Write all your wants in a relationship. Write down all the pros and cons of your current relationship. Imagine what you want your life to be in a year from now and write it down. Create a checklist of all the things you want to do in life. Write it all out.

[feelingempty]

thinking and thinking where it went wrong....................ty for your advice I went for a long walk funny that i'm a little skittish to leave the house. He still never called and I guess i won't hear from him until he wants me and my kids out. I guess he has someone new in the starting gate the reason me saying so he said he had done something bad wed night.

 

I want to desperatly text him and ask what did you do so bad wed night???? then and again he already sent a love letter to an ex g/f that night also. My sister says he is immature no matter when a couple fights looking for another woman should not be a priority on anyones list.

 

Then I remember all the crap that looked bad on his part the last 2 years and shake my head why am i so forgiving. Having him gone working out of town week after week for the last 4 years and at times not knowing what he was up to has been a killer on me I guess like his ex-wife called and said to me the day he was going to leave I hope your a strong woman!!!!!

 

I thought that was weird since she never talks to me but the fool i am and yes I am a fool a broken hearted can't stop crying wishes I had some contact with him fool

 

I'm deeply saddened

[FeelingLonely98]

Dgiirl has some good advice, get out & try new things. It's VERY hard at first but it does get easier when you find something you like to do.

 

Yes feelingempty - dgiirl's advice is great. You may have to "Force" yourself but little by little it will be easier.

 

Do NOT call him unless you have some business to discuss. Or better yet, don't call him at all! It will be difficult, but it is in YOUR best interest, ok?

[feelingempty]

Ty,

 

Here is my plan for this week attend my lawyers appointment Wed. to see where I stand in the common law relationship. And wait for him to contact me about splitting stuff up? Does this sound good ?

 

I shouldn't worry who he is doing and I really do need to stop crying.

 

Pray for me b/c I really do miss our conversations I really can't believe I made the weekend since that is the time I would have one on one with him.....................:-( But i did :-)

[FeelingLonely98]

Ty,

 

Here is my plan for this week attend my lawyers appointment Wed. to see where I stand in the common law relationship. And wait for him to contact me about splitting stuff up? Does this sound good ?

 

I shouldn't worry who he is doing and I really do need to stop crying.

 

Pray for me b/c I really do miss our conversations I really can't believe I made the weekend since that is the time I would have one on one with him.....................:-( But i did :-)

 

I will send prayers your way.

 

I think those steps you mentioned above are a great step for you. Protect yourself legally. Know your rights. And be ready when he does do something. Nothing says you can't initiate it after you no longer want to "Wait" for him.

 

I've moved away from the crying all the time stage 6 weeks ago or so ...

But only by telling my self I HAVE to do things different - mainly look out for ME! Not in a selfish way. But stop crying over her and the M. I have no control over that anymore.

 

I know exactly what you mean ... I still miss the fun conversations, the laughing, the going out hand-in-hand, the intimacy, the support for her and from her, ... and the love. (And I still love her!) (Call me pathetic.)

For example: The T-Rex song "Bang a Gong" just came on the radio - she loved to dance to that song - of course so from the first note I think of her. It's not easy!!!!!!!!!!

Doesn't mean I can't work on me and plan my future life without her. It's the only thing I can do. I can go back to where I was and be an emotional wreck ALL the time or do this. Not saying I don't still feel pain at times, but I suppose my resolve has helped and I feel less and less for her all the time.

 

PEACE!!! - be strong (for YOU!)

[feelingempty]

Today was a very hard day of the NC I understand now where he is coming from at some of the old letters he wrote me. So of course I want to call and say sorry, I stop myself and wonder where really would this lead us it will be the same crap different pile.

 

I made it and I'm glad I made it, still early but sleep is on the horizon Thank you all and sweet dreams :-)

 

I wonder since he can be very sensitive Is he waiting for me??

I guess not if he could write a letter to an x with his undying love after 5 years with me that is what is keeping me NC that hurts and I suppose I would never feel the apple of his eye.