otherman Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 So, my MW is planning on spending the day with me tomorrow. I am going to tell her to make a choice. It's me or him. Any words of support would be great. Thanks, Other Man P.S. Please read my other posts for the background on the story.
Alpha Female Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 OM: I haven't read your background, as just knowing you are an OW and about to give the ultimatum is enough. I applaud you for the strength. Do not disappoint yourself and cave in. You are doing the right thing, and no matter what the outcome, you will know you were true to yourself and put your needs first for once, and knew you were worthy of a whole person. Please let us know what happens.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 He's not an OW, he's an OM and she isnt gonna pick him, she'll waffle in between for as long as she can until she's forced. For all the talk about she's not with her husband she has no problem going home to him, huh?
jennie-jennie Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Are you going to ask her to make a choice or are you going to give her an ultimatum? If it is an ultimatum, make sure that you CAN follow through with it. If you are not at that point yet, it is better to wait. Giving an ultimatum and taking it back doesn't do anyone any good. To set her down and talk to her about what you feel and what you want is doable. I will check on your story later. You have my support. It is very difficult to love someone and yet not be the only one in his/her life.
wheelwright Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I am sorry you are in a painful space. I read some of your history and am worried about the unknowns re the MW. Guess you are too. I think you should go ahead with the make a choice option. And go NC after the chat, unless there is immediate action. Give her a deadline, and stick to it. If you change your mind or weaken, start asking her some questions. Why is she staying with H? Why did she choose to have an A rather than leaving then finding someone? What will she miss if she quits the M? Where does she want to go with her life? etc. Perhaps she is confused about what she wants. She does need to make a decision, and if she needs more time, fine. But if you have had it with being involved with the more time thing, then go NC.
EcstasyX6 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I read all your posts because I'm the MW in the situation, and it seems that the OM situation is rare on LS. Maybe hearing it from a woman's side will give you some insight. First off, I don't believe she wants to leave her husband at all. She still loves her husband IMO and by what you said. If I didn't have children, and my bf offered to set me up in an apartment, I'd walk out the door right now because I love him that much. However, he won't offer any hand up to me right now, because he wants me to leave on my own volition. I'm great with this. If I do the work it takes, it will be because I wanted it, and not because of him. He promises to never put pressure on me or make demands because he has no right to do so.We met after I'd planned to get a divorce, and he knew that when we began talking(I know-still doesn't make it right, but here we are). I didn't love my husband anymore, and we'd been through years of problems and had gone to marriage counseling. My OM and I have been together 7 months, but he reiterates that if tomorrow, I should change my mind about the divorce, and go back to my husband, I have all rights to do so because that's the way it is. He would be devastated, but me and my family come first right now. When I'm divorced, he says he'll have different expectations and plenty of offers to move forward with plans for us. (also, in my mind, I know these are words-I'm not banking on anything with him). Right now it's just pie in the sky. Btw-I haven't slept with my husband in months. I simply can't. I only want one man to touch me-the man I love. Going between 2 men sexually doesn't work for me-mentally or emotionally. She's having sex with both of you because that's what she wants. Wake up call!!! There's no guarantee you and she will work either. Say decides to leave him and runs to you, takes the apartment offer, but then bails with a new guy. Then what? She's already given signs to you that other men have caught her eye. Don't buy the BS that they are friends, or whatever? How can one of them possibly say he's in love with her?...They're sleeping together or have slept together. IME, men don't say that unless sex is involved. So what he's 50. He's still a man. After I fell in love with my bf, I knew that in my mind that I couldn't leave my marriage for him, but because I wanted to leave my marriage anyway. The reality is that he and I may not work out after I get out, and I need to be ok with that, and ready to stand on my own to feet. Your MW is not ready to stand on her own two feet. That's a big step mentally for a woman to take, but it's where she needs to be before she makes a move. You should want her to be before she runs into your arms. In other words, do nothing, wait for her to file for divorce, leave then see what she does. Say nothing else. She knows how you feel, and the ball is in her court. The ultimatum is not a good idea.
Jacky Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I wish you best fo luck for the ultimatum however if she doesn't know how she feels it really wouldn't be a good idea. My MW is the same, her answer for everything is I don't know and I can't decide. So be prepared for these answers if you are going to sit her down and talk to her. A lot of people are scared to get out of their comfort zone because they fear that they might end up being alone. So instead of reaching out for who they know they love, they would rather return home to something mediocre. This is a personal opinion. Good luck, hope you get the outcome you want.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Go read some of stampdaddy's threads. Do a site search on his username.
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 yes, give her the ultimatum....but like what jennie-jennie said, you need to be prepared for the response, it might not go your way. You are being courageous about this--- be firm and follow through...
Samantha0905 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I wish you best fo luck for the ultimatum however if she doesn't know how she feels it really wouldn't be a good idea. My MW is the same, her answer for everything is I don't know and I can't decide. So be prepared for these answers if you are going to sit her down and talk to her. A lot of people are scared to get out of their comfort zone because they fear that they might end up being alone. So instead of reaching out for who they know they love, they would rather return home to something mediocre. This is a personal opinion. Good luck, hope you get the outcome you want. There is a lot of fear involved, but it may just be because what's home isn't mediocre. There may be some love left and the MP isn't willing to make a clean break. They've been filling a void in a not very healthy manner. Plus, even if the OM/OW were "true love," which I think is an oxymoron in affair land in most cases, there's still no guarantee that relationship won't be mediocre in the land of real life. I've said I don't know and I can't decide a lot to my ex-AP. It was the truth, but it's probably an indication if looked at rationally -- that the decision is going to be to stay in the marriage. The MP may not even know this themselves when they say I don't know and/or I can't decide. They're confused and treating others poorly all the way around. To the OP, I haven't read the background info either -- but perhaps the best thing to do would be to say I love you and, hopefully, when/if you get a divorce -- we can reconnect. Then go about moving forward with your own life.
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