After 21 Years Devastated and Lost

[grfins]

Hi everyone. I am new here and it has taken me awhile to get up the courage to write my story. I really dont even know where to begin. The pain, anguish, heartbreak, and so many other emotions im feeling are so overwhelming i am tring anything for some relief. I am 42 years old and have been married for over 21 years. I believe in the vows of marriage and planned my life to be with this person forever and always thought it would be so. 8 weeks ago my wife decided she needed to find herself and live alone without the responsibilities of looking after our family of 3(14 yr old son). I know there were signs of unhappiness but i always thought we could work through anything as she has said the same over the years. I was doing good for 4 weeks with little contact but then the bomb dropped. I found out she has been cheating for 2 to 3 months and he has been living with her since the day she moved out. They went to great lengths in lying and deceiving for months. Our son is handling it very well and is with me. I on the other hand am wrecked with heartache and mental anguish that just does not subside. I seem to be going the wrong way on a one way track despite 5 sessions of therepy, reading books on this topic, and talking it out with family and friends. Every morning i feel as if ive been kicked in the stomach and the waves of crying have me exhausted even before i get home from work. Any thoughts, advice, or anything would be so much appreciated. Hope this wasnt too long winded

[AliveAndKicking]

Not too long-winded at all. Heh heh wait 'til you read my response!

 

I know you are in great pain right now and I am very sorry. This is a very difficult time for you and I want you to know that you are not alone in your pain.

 

You display great courage in posting here. There are many good people here who will help you through this trying time. You're safe here.

 

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things- you are taking measures to help yourself- great job! Obviously you know that this is going to take a great amount of effort for pull yourself through that.

 

You have invested yourself deeply in your marriage and right now you are feeling like your entire life, your entire self has been stolen from you. You're feeling powerless, frustrated, victimised, and terrorised. All normal feelings.

 

There IS hope. You WILL get through this. Unfortunately there is no short, easy, or softer way to get to the healing for it is a process rather than an event. It is going to take a long time and a lot more pain before the sun shines again but please know this, brother, it WILL shine again. I promise.

 

Plase post here as much as needed. There are no limits. If you need to post morning, noon, and night by all means do so. I hope you will continue to speak with your therapist. If your therapist does not seem to offer the support you need by all means find another. If you are spiritual pray often. Talk to friends and family. Talk with your son too! 14 yeal olds can be wise beyond their years. You guys can support each other and help one another pull through this.

 

I know your pain well. I also had an unfaithful partner among other things. That is one of the greatest pains I have even known. But I survived and I am doing well. If I can make it through so too can you!

 

Hang tough, continue being brave, keep working hard, and try to accept that it is going to take time and great effort to heal. Focus your energy and thoughts on the things you can control: You.

 

You did not deserve her infidelity and abandonment. Stick around, read and post as needed, and the good people of Loveshack.org will help you guys through to the other side.

 

I've subscribed to this thread and I'll be sure and check up after you every time I log on.

 

It WILL get better!

 

Hang tough and be brave- YOU have got what it takes to make it!

[now_what]

Hi grfins:

 

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you - it happened to me too. My husband (ex now) left me after 30 years of marriage for a woman he had known for two months. He emailed me at work and snuck out of the house while I was at work and our 16 year old daughter was at school. He moved in with the other woman. He did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months. This just happened last September, we divorced March 30 and he remarried mid April. He left me for an old biker chick and has been enjoying the biker lifestyle - whatever.

 

My daughter has been handling things well and has remained strong and supportive through out the past year. I never dreamed that this would happen to me - I had not planned to be alone at 50. Sure we had our problems too, but I wanted to work on them. He just pretty much told me his feelings for me had changed and he wanted to begin a new life with his dream woman. He was so proud of her that he never even mentioned her to our children (we have two grown children also) until a few months after they married.

 

This has been a tough time, but I'm doing ok. I too have shed countless tears and turned everything that has happened over in my mind a million times. If you're anything like me you will have good days and bad ones. And just when you think you have survived, old feelings resurface and you live every second of anguish over again.

 

I'm not sure what I can tell you other than you will find a strength within yourself that you never knew you had and you will get through this. Is it easy, no, not at all. But you will make it through and you and your son will be closer than ever because you will have survived this life changing event.

 

Good luck to you and I'm sorry you are going through this - but you are not alone and you will make it.

[McGrupp]

you should post this on the divorce board and get a good lawyer.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi, My heart goes out to you, I know how it feels, my ex left me in July after 18 years, I am lucky that he didn't cheat on me as I do not know how I would have coped with that, I dread the day he meets someone else.

Keep posting here, let us know how you are, this site has helped me so much with advice and support, many people have been where you are now and plenty still are where you are now, you are not alone.

((((((hugs))))))

 

 

Hi everyone. I am new here and it has taken me awhile to get up the courage to write my story. I really dont even know where to begin. The pain, anguish, heartbreak, and so many other emotions im feeling are so overwhelming i am tring anything for some relief. I am 42 years old and have been married for over 21 years. I believe in the vows of marriage and planned my life to be with this person forever and always thought it would be so. 8 weeks ago my wife decided she needed to find herself and live alone without the responsibilities of looking after our family of 3(14 yr old son). I know there were signs of unhappiness but i always thought we could work through anything as she has said the same over the years. I was doing good for 4 weeks with little contact but then the bomb dropped. I found out she has been cheating for 2 to 3 months and he has been living with her since the day she moved out. They went to great lengths in lying and deceiving for months. Our son is handling it very well and is with me. I on the other hand am wrecked with heartache and mental anguish that just does not subside. I seem to be going the wrong way on a one way track despite 5 sessions of therepy, reading books on this topic, and talking it out with family and friends. Every morning i feel as if ive been kicked in the stomach and the waves of crying have me exhausted even before i get home from work. Any thoughts, advice, or anything would be so much appreciated. Hope this wasnt too long winded

[bluestraps]

This is the time you will find that your son without him even knowing it helps you through this. Im sure there will be times that he cheers you up and he will need you too. You want to make a nice family life and you do your best. Its a shame your wife does'nt see this . We all know women need certain things and so do we. The feelings of physical pain are almost worse than the crying... I know. Just let it all out ,Ive been in an anger mode with my situation and this will certainly come for you . But just let the emotions out. Eventualy all that will slow down and become more mild.

[bluestraps]

Whats going on in peoples minds when they do this stuff to their spouses and companions.

[grfins]

Thank you all so so much for sharing your stories and posting advice. The pain is so deep that it is hard to gauge if anything helps but i have to believe that your comments and thoughts are helping me in some way. I will keep reading and posting for this is all mind consuming day and nightand i feel as if most of the time im going insane and constantly thinking of whats the point or purpose of continuing to go on and on feeling like this. Knowing this feeling i dont understand how another person could do this to another human being. I feel as if i will never be the same person i was again. Everyone says time heals but right now if feels as if the pain is only getting more intense. I feel as if i am trapped in a nightmare and pray to wake up.

[GrayClouds]

Not only did she cheat on you she cheated on your son. The depth of selfishness is amazing.

 

Dont let the heartache and anguish get to you, you deserve to feel that %way. It is the first step in letting go, yes you want to get past it but it is natural. She put you through a lot and your body and mind is responding to it. Just accept your not going to be hundred percent for now but in time you will be.

 

Your doing all the right things to get through this. the books, therapy, help of friends and family. Think about adding some exercise to the mix being physically tired helps with the thinking. Even if its walking in the morning and at tonight, but more the better. So does pen and paper journaling. Of things continue to seem to be getting worst consider some ant-depressions/anti anxiety med for the sort term.

 

Sorry about your lost though it sounds like you have a great son so focus on him and you. Good luck.

Edited November 7, 2009 by GrayClouds

[AliveAndKicking]

Grfns,

 

I'm SO glad that you came back and posted. especiallyatthebeginning itindeed does seemto be all-consuming and as if you are in a waking nightmare each day. Know this: That feeling DOES begin to pass. Just keep doing what you are doing and trustthat it will begin to get easier.

 

GrayClouds has some excellent sugestions. Journalling has been VERY helpful for me. Also- there is nothing wrong with a properly-prescribed anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medicationif things indeed are getting worse rather than better. You have gone through a severe shock and sometimes we need some extra help. This isn't after all, a minor upset- this is a very serious situation.

 

I hope that you and your son are hanging tight and talking about how you guys are feeling. Maybe you guys can do some things together, even if it just going for a walk, maybe a repair project- you know: "guy stuff", as that's a great time to open up lines of communication.

 

As you said : It is hard to tell if anything is helping right now. You are probably overwhelmed and/or numb right now. That's normal. When in doubt let it out! Don't be bashful about posting here- your thoughts are just asimportant as the next person's. The great thing about Loveshack is that we're all in the same boat- just trying to get through this thing called life. We can almost always relate to the other people her even if our experiences area bit different. I can tell you this: coming here DOES help. Trust in that if you can't feel it right now.

 

Stay strong, be brave, and you guys will get through this. It won't be easy but it will pay-off given time and some effort. You're giving it the effort- keep up the good work! Now you just need some time. Hang in there!

 

You're gonna make it!

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you mean, I have felt trapped in a nightmare since July, well since April in fact when he first said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, it is an intensely despairing feeling.

It is VERY early days for you yet and I won't lie and say you will feel better soon, because it takes a long time to go through all those feelings, you will probably find your thoughts going around and around in circles, for the first 2 months I could not switch off-I felt deep sadness, sorrow, fear, love, despair, depression, anger, grief, disbelief, shock, hurt, betrayed (I was lucky he didn't cheat but I feel betrayed because he gave up on us), frustration, despondent, hopeless, desperate, shame, guilt, longing, regret. I have had suicidal thoughts. All these thoughts/feelings, all the tears, don't mean you are going insane, I have had the same fears many times and I'm still standing

One thing I haven't felt is hate, but I would if he had cheated on me.

Nearly 4 months on and I don't think about it ALL the time now, I still think about it a lot and I think I am just about starting to accept it now, time will tell I guess, it doesn't mean I like it, I DON'T, but I can see a glimmer of hope. I have plenty of down days and I will have down days/weeks for a long time to come. I heard someone say "You don't get over it, you get different", which isn't very good English, but it makes sense to me. I guess some of us will go on to have happier lives than we we had with our exes, I don't believe that is true in my case, but I am getting used to the situation, trying to rebuild my life and make the best of what I do have. I don't feel desperate all the time now.

I don't think I will ever be the same person I was to be honest.

 

Thank you all so so much for sharing your stories and posting advice. The pain is so deep that it is hard to gauge if anything helps but i have to believe that your comments and thoughts are helping me in some way. I will keep reading and posting for this is all mind consuming day and nightand i feel as if most of the time im going insane and constantly thinking of whats the point or purpose of continuing to go on and on feeling like this. Knowing this feeling i dont understand how another person could do this to another human being. I feel as if i will never be the same person i was again. Everyone says time heals but right now if feels as if the pain is only getting more intense. I feel as if i am trapped in a nightmare and pray to wake up.

[grfins]

I know what you mean, I have felt trapped in a nightmare since July, well since April in fact when he first said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, it is an intensely despairing feeling.

It is VERY early days for you yet and I won't lie and say you will feel better soon, because it takes a long time to go through all those feelings, you will probably find your thoughts going around and around in circles, for the first 2 months I could not switch off-I felt deep sadness, sorrow, fear, love, despair, depression, anger, grief, disbelief, shock, hurt, betrayed (I was lucky he didn't cheat but I feel betrayed because he gave up on us), frustration, despondent, hopeless, desperate, shame, guilt, longing, regret. I have had suicidal thoughts. All these thoughts/feelings, all the tears, don't mean you are going insane, I have had the same fears many times and I'm still standing

One thing I haven't felt is hate, but I would if he had cheated on me.

Nearly 4 months on and I don't think about it ALL the time now, I still think about it a lot and I think I am just about starting to accept it now, time will tell I guess, it doesn't mean I like it, I DON'T, but I can see a glimmer of hope. I have plenty of down days and I will have down days/weeks for a long time to come. I heard someone say "You don't get over it, you get different", which isn't very good English, but it makes sense to me. I guess some of us will go on to have happier lives than we we had with our exes, I don't believe that is true in my case, but I am getting used to the situation, trying to rebuild my life and make the best of what I do have. I don't feel desperate all the time now.

I don't think I will ever be the same person I was to be honest.

I cant imagine going another 2 or 3 months with this feeling. You do give me some hope and i have been told often that i will be better off in the long run but i dont see it as well. The days are so long and i used to so look forward to getting home from work to be with my wife. Now i look forward to nothing and i miss just talking to her so much even though she hurt me so bad. i hope you continue to heel and thx again

[grfins]

Grfns,

 

I'm SO glad that you came back and posted. especiallyatthebeginning itindeed does seemto be all-consuming and as if you are in a waking nightmare each day. Know this: That feeling DOES begin to pass. Just keep doing what you are doing and trustthat it will begin to get easier.

 

GrayClouds has some excellent sugestions. Journalling has been VERY helpful for me. Also- there is nothing wrong with a properly-prescribed anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medicationif things indeed are getting worse rather than better. You have gone through a severe shock and sometimes we need some extra help. This isn't after all, a minor upset- this is a very serious situation.

 

I hope that you and your son are hanging tight and talking about how you guys are feeling. Maybe you guys can do some things together, even if it just going for a walk, maybe a repair project- you know: "guy stuff", as that's a great time to open up lines of communication.

 

As you said : It is hard to tell if anything is helping right now. You are probably overwhelmed and/or numb right now. That's normal. When in doubt let it out! Don't be bashful about posting here- your thoughts are just asimportant as the next person's. The great thing about Loveshack is that we're all in the same boat- just trying to get through this thing called life. We can almost always relate to the other people her even if our experiences area bit different. I can tell you this: coming here DOES help. Trust in that if you can't feel it right now.

 

Stay strong, be brave, and you guys will get through this. It won't be easy but it will pay-off given time and some effort. You're giving it the effort- keep up the good work! Now you just need some time. Hang in there!

 

You're gonna make it!

I think i will try the journal idea because im gripping at anything. I am on antidepressants since this started and im scared of getting hooked them but for a little while ive been told it is a good thing. Ive been told im getting in deeper depression and before these feelings ruin me im these pills are suppoed to help the anxiety. thank you for the support

[AliveAndKicking]

I cant imagine going another 2 or 3 months with this feeling. You do give me some hope and i have been told often that i will be better off in the long run but i dont see it as well. The days are so long and i used to so look forward to getting home from work to be with my wife. Now i look forward to nothing and i miss just talking to her so much even though she hurt me so bad. i hope you continue to heel and thx again

 

Good to see you again (inspite of te circumstances)...

 

I know that feeling of coming home to a quiet house. Try changing your routine- maybe nstead of coming stright home you could instead go run errends. It also helps to keep busy cleaning. Rearrange the furniture to make it feel like "yours". Believe it or not it helps.

 

Don't worry about how long it is gonna take- we're all different. That is too much to deal with right now- just focus on the day in front of you. Just work on that old saying "One day at a time". I have had to go one HOUR at a time in the past.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish there was something I could say or do that would take your pain away cuz I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

Things are not gong to change on their own. I know you're wiped-out right now but in spite of that you have to take charge of your new life. This sounds trivial but trust me: If you have any hobbies or things you like to do get back at it. Even though you don't feel like it, even though you are tired, even though you are unable to concentrate, just do it anyway. If you're miserable do it anyway and fake like you are having fun. Just do it. It sounds absurd but it DOES help- fake it 'til you make it.

 

Another thing you can do to pass the time and help yourself is to write a journal. Start writing each day. Write about anything you want: your thoughts, how you feel, maybe write letters to your ex (never to be sent) and get everything out of you. It passes the time and it helps to let it ALL out.

 

How is your son handling things? Are you guys talking about how you're feeling? Are you guys spending time together? If not you might think about it as it will help you both.

 

Please trust that it will suck but it WILL get better after a while. I have nothing to gain by lying to you so please believe me!

 

Much later you will look back and be proud of how far you have come. You are going to become an even better man than you were. You are going to learn SO much.

 

Hang tough. You're strong and brave and there is nothing coming your way that you can not handle.

 

You're going to make it!

[grfins]

Hi grfins:

 

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you - it happened to me too. My husband (ex now) left me after 30 years of marriage for a woman he had known for two months. He emailed me at work and snuck out of the house while I was at work and our 16 year old daughter was at school. He moved in with the other woman. He did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months. This just happened last September, we divorced March 30 and he remarried mid April. He left me for an old biker chick and has been enjoying the biker lifestyle - whatever.

 

My daughter has been handling things well and has remained strong and supportive through out the past year. I never dreamed that this would happen to me - I had not planned to be alone at 50. Sure we had our problems too, but I wanted to work on them. He just pretty much told me his feelings for me had changed and he wanted to begin a new life with his dream woman. He was so proud of her that he never even mentioned her to our children (we have two grown children also) until a few months after they married.

 

This has been a tough time, but I'm doing ok. I too have shed countless tears and turned everything that has happened over in my mind a million times. If you're anything like me you will have good days and bad ones. And just when you think you have survived, old feelings resurface and you live every second of anguish over again.

 

I'm not sure what I can tell you other than you will find a strength within yourself that you never knew you had and you will get through this. Is it easy, no, not at all. But you will make it through and you and your son will be closer than ever because you will have survived this life changing event.

 

Good luck to you and I'm sorry you are going through this - but you are not alone and you will make it.

 

Your experience sounds eerily similar to what i am going through. Im so sorry for your pain. I dont understand how someone can be so cruel and uncaring to a person who has cared for them and loved them for so long. On one hand i wish my wife could feel what i feel. and on the other i would nt want to put any human being through this anguish.

[mickleb]

Hey grfins

 

You're 'in good hands' here with posters like AliveAnd Kicking and now_what (and everyone else, ofc!) They have gone through it and come out of the other side. They have excellent advice to offer.

 

I think something useful to hang onto here is that we, as human beings, no matter how individual we are or unique in our specific situation, are remarkably similar when it comes to the process we go through when dealing with abandonment / grief.

 

I guess human beings are such incredible creatures when it comes to adaptability. We are much stronger than we think. It's situations like this that prove that fact to us. We, somehow, bit by bit, DO get through. It's remarkable and inspiring.

 

You are trying to get your head around the intense feelings your heart is suffering. Your head can regain control over your heart and it will, slowly, it will. All of the things you are doing will enable it to do this, as will the suggestions made here. Your pain will turn into anger and this will be more bearable. Right now, you are internalising the pain (this is part of the process but can be damaging, so you do need to get it all out, somehow). I think letting your son know that you are there for him (you may well be doing this already) will help him to do the same for you. Lovely suggestion.

 

There are support groups around for people in your situation. This is an online one but a 'real life' one could be great for you. Check www.abandonment.net and with your therapist for those nearest to you.

 

Please continue with the therapy. 5 sessions is just an introduction, really. It may take years before you take the sorts of amazing, life-changing actions that other people on here have done.

 

There are several people suffering very intensely on here, at present. (This is why we are all here.) What I mean is, you are not alone and can, probably learn from reading through their struggles. Also, helping others can really keep your self-esteem in good shape and help you to process, rationally, what is going on with you too (as well as being just a good thing to do).

 

Stick around. We've got your back. x

[stepka]

Yeah, count me in your club. My husband of 23 years moved out on Valentine's Day to date men. The mental images this created were like torture.

 

One thing to keep in mind though grfn: any woman who would walk away from her child is not a natural woman and she must have gone off the deep end--the new man probably isn't nearly as nice as you are.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, but if you just use this time to take care of you and your son and start working out if you haven't already, it's a huge help and will help you feel good about yourself. Also, I took a Writing to Heal class, and that was good too, though I didn't end up writing about the divorce b/c that was still too raw--it got my mind onto other things though.

[mickleb]

Yeah, count me in your club. My husband of 23 years moved out on Valentine's Day to date men. The mental images this created were like torture.

 

One thing to keep in mind though grfn: any woman who would walk away from her child is not a natural woman and she must have gone off the deep end--the new man probably isn't nearly as nice as you are.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, but if you just use this time to take care of you and your son and start working out if you haven't already, it's a huge help and will help you feel good about yourself. Also, I took a Writing to Heal class, and that was good too, though I didn't end up writing about the divorce b/c that was still too raw--it got my mind onto other things though.

 

Have you got a current thread, stepka? Can't imagine how hard that must have been. How are you doing now?

 

grfins

 

How are you today? x