Inexperienced bf doesn't make me happy in bed

[journey_fromage]

My man is going to be 30 in January, and I turned 25 in July. We have been together for just under two years now. Keep in mind that I have never had a man cause me to orgasm, and because of that, one of the only things I really desire in my future husband is his ability and willingness, no, enjoyment of pleasuring me, at length, so much that I can't even move afterwards. I don't think that's too much to ask, and don't get me wrong, I'm not selfish by any means! I want to pleasure him just as much if not more than he please me! hehe. I'm just a closet-nympho and need someone who is on the same page as me sexually, because I don't even want to have to consider cheating. I would never cheat, mind, but I'm sure some of you know how it sucks to WANT to, even knowing you won't. Too depressing.

 

Now, my man is very inexperienced in the bedroom. With his past lovers, he says he's never really cared enough to take the time to learn a woman's body, how to turn her on and please her. For the first 8 or so months of our relationship, the only time I orgasmed was when I caused myself to, either alone or while he was doing me (using a vibe). It kinda started to get on my nerves that I gave him oral at least once a day, which he loved of course, but he never recriprocated, or even tried to give me an orgasm any other way. So I finally brought it up, we had a conversation about it, and he said he'd do things for me naturally.. Well, I waited and waited, and 6 months later he had only tried a handful of times, and he hadn't even started to get me on the path to orgasm. I started getting emotional about it during my PMS because it really stressed me out. I would break down and cry at night, and he would hold me and tell me how sorry he was, how he'd change.. Next day, back to the same old same old. I can understand him not knowing how to do things, but he hardly ever tried, and almost acted like he didn't want to to be frank.

 

Fastforward to today. He just in the last two months has started doing things for me (once a week, tops), but we hardly get 15 or 20 minutes in without my mind getting absorbed by a funk, and we have to stop because once I am out of the mood and sad, I'm not really in the mood to be sexual anymore. He starts out kissing me for about 10 minutes (which he knows I get bored of VERY quickly) and then does a few random things (rubs my back, picks at bumps on my arms, gets on top of me to kiss me some more) and I'm like.. Seriously? That's it? I don't say that, of course, but once I realize that it's going to be just like the last time, that funk just kicks in.. I start thinking about how all kinds of ****ty stuff, two years of hurt from being unfulfilled in the bedroom..

 

I don't know what to do. Aside from things in the bedroom, we go well together. We know all of eachothers flaws, and still love eachother. I hate to sound selfish, "he doesn't make ME feel good," but.. At this point, what can I really say? I hate being unfulfilled by the man who tells me his intentions are to make me his wife.

 

Just this morning was the first time he's actually suggested that we go into the bedroom (!!!) and I responded perfectly, all happy, ran in there, gave him the bedroom eyes, stripped all sexy like, got him excited, laid down for my treat.. And 144 kisses later I'm in a funk and couldn't be more pissed at myself. Yes, I count kisses because they are THAT boring to me. It's like counting the freaking tiles on the wall.

 

I should say also, that because I have never had a man give me foreplay that did anything for me, or anything past that point aside from sex, I do not know what to tell him to do for me. I've told him from the beginning that he needs to explore, discover my body, find out what I like.. And he's of course said that he "wanted" to, but he is still pretty clueless. I've bought him books, sex toys, suggested websites, showed him porn, told him every single thing about my sexuality that could possibly have any relevence, all of my nuances that I know, what I like and don't like.. Nothing I have done so far has caused him to make any positive advancement.

 

Now, to be fair, we have had a VERY stressful two years. Right before we started going out, he spent a month and a half in jail for a DUI. Very stupid of him, but now he doesn't even drink anymore (because of me). Please note, I never told him not to, seeing as I am a partier myself, but, he says I have made him a better person.. After jail, we lived with his parents for a year. Last christmas, we moved into my parents house. Yeah, I HATE sounding like a slacker, I'm not, we've just had REALLY bad breaks with getting jobs. Then, last june, he was hit by a car in a hit and run (with no insurance) and had his leg broken in two places. He still only now can only put half of his body weight on it, and won't be able to fully walk for another 3-4 months. Also, one week ago today, I was in an accident with my less than three MONTH old NEW 2009 Cobalt. Completely totalled. Nobody was hurt, thankfully, and I will be getting a replacement thanks to insurance in about a month, but still.

 

Ok, I'm making it sound like he never does anything, but, back when we weren't depressed (before he got hit by a car) he used to "kick my ass". I LOVE rough stuff, and he would hold me down, and all that fun stuff.. I did love that, but now, he doesn't feel comfortable doing it because of his leg, and to be honest, I don't want to have to be spanked and slapped all of the time in order to be turned on.

 

So, I know that stress has something to do with this, but.. Seriously. It's been two years and he still hasn't even gotten me started on the path to orgasm. I don't know what to do, to be honest, which is why I'm here. So, what do you guys think? I am truly undecided about how I want to advance.

[Edward10]

I think this thread should be titled "uninterested boyfriend".

 

What kind of porn is he secretly looking at on the computer? That will tell you what really turns him on.

 

A straight man will be turned on by giving a woman an orgasm - whether orally or with his hands. Your man is not turned on by giving you pleasure.

 

He told you "he never really cared enought to take the time to learn a woman's body". You complained to him and his reaction was to "hardly ever tried, and almost acted like he didn't want to".

 

It is interesting that you both connected sexually when engaging in rough sex. But you don't want it all the time.

 

He's having sex with you in a clinical fashion and it is breaking your heart. You deserve better.

 

You aren't a nympho and you aren't going to cheat. You are just with someone who doesn't love you back "in that way". Time to let him go I think.

 

 

Oh - and get rid of your vibrators if you want to orgasm naturally with a man.

[mem11363]

He will touch and kiss and lick you until you scream. I remember this girl I went out with in DC - first date went to a nice greek restaurant. Walked around afterwards, starting making out in a park - then went back to her place. She really liked getting oral - I brought her to the rapture that night 3 times. And then she returned the favor. I just really liked her - and it showed. Your guy talks a good game but thats it.

 

 

My man is going to be 30 in January, and I turned 25 in July. We have been together for just under two years now. Keep in mind that I have never had a man cause me to orgasm, and because of that, one of the only things I really desire in my future husband is his ability and willingness, no, enjoyment of pleasuring me, at length, so much that I can't even move afterwards. I don't think that's too much to ask, and don't get me wrong, I'm not selfish by any means! I want to pleasure him just as much if not more than he please me! hehe. I'm just a closet-nympho and need someone who is on the same page as me sexually, because I don't even want to have to consider cheating. I would never cheat, mind, but I'm sure some of you know how it sucks to WANT to, even knowing you won't. Too depressing.

 

Now, my man is very inexperienced in the bedroom. With his past lovers, he says he's never really cared enough to take the time to learn a woman's body, how to turn her on and please her. For the first 8 or so months of our relationship, the only time I orgasmed was when I caused myself to, either alone or while he was doing me (using a vibe). It kinda started to get on my nerves that I gave him oral at least once a day, which he loved of course, but he never recriprocated, or even tried to give me an orgasm any other way. So I finally brought it up, we had a conversation about it, and he said he'd do things for me naturally.. Well, I waited and waited, and 6 months later he had only tried a handful of times, and he hadn't even started to get me on the path to orgasm. I started getting emotional about it during my PMS because it really stressed me out. I would break down and cry at night, and he would hold me and tell me how sorry he was, how he'd change.. Next day, back to the same old same old. I can understand him not knowing how to do things, but he hardly ever tried, and almost acted like he didn't want to to be frank.

 

Fastforward to today. He just in the last two months has started doing things for me (once a week, tops), but we hardly get 15 or 20 minutes in without my mind getting absorbed by a funk, and we have to stop because once I am out of the mood and sad, I'm not really in the mood to be sexual anymore. He starts out kissing me for about 10 minutes (which he knows I get bored of VERY quickly) and then does a few random things (rubs my back, picks at bumps on my arms, gets on top of me to kiss me some more) and I'm like.. Seriously? That's it? I don't say that, of course, but once I realize that it's going to be just like the last time, that funk just kicks in.. I start thinking about how all kinds of ****ty stuff, two years of hurt from being unfulfilled in the bedroom..

 

I don't know what to do. Aside from things in the bedroom, we go well together. We know all of eachothers flaws, and still love eachother. I hate to sound selfish, "he doesn't make ME feel good," but.. At this point, what can I really say? I hate being unfulfilled by the man who tells me his intentions are to make me his wife.

 

Just this morning was the first time he's actually suggested that we go into the bedroom (!!!) and I responded perfectly, all happy, ran in there, gave him the bedroom eyes, stripped all sexy like, got him excited, laid down for my treat.. And 144 kisses later I'm in a funk and couldn't be more pissed at myself. Yes, I count kisses because they are THAT boring to me. It's like counting the freaking tiles on the wall.

 

I should say also, that because I have never had a man give me foreplay that did anything for me, or anything past that point aside from sex, I do not know what to tell him to do for me. I've told him from the beginning that he needs to explore, discover my body, find out what I like.. And he's of course said that he "wanted" to, but he is still pretty clueless. I've bought him books, sex toys, suggested websites, showed him porn, told him every single thing about my sexuality that could possibly have any relevence, all of my nuances that I know, what I like and don't like.. Nothing I have done so far has caused him to make any positive advancement.

 

Now, to be fair, we have had a VERY stressful two years. Right before we started going out, he spent a month and a half in jail for a DUI. Very stupid of him, but now he doesn't even drink anymore (because of me). Please note, I never told him not to, seeing as I am a partier myself, but, he says I have made him a better person.. After jail, we lived with his parents for a year. Last christmas, we moved into my parents house. Yeah, I HATE sounding like a slacker, I'm not, we've just had REALLY bad breaks with getting jobs. Then, last june, he was hit by a car in a hit and run (with no insurance) and had his leg broken in two places. He still only now can only put half of his body weight on it, and won't be able to fully walk for another 3-4 months. Also, one week ago today, I was in an accident with my less than three MONTH old NEW 2009 Cobalt. Completely totalled. Nobody was hurt, thankfully, and I will be getting a replacement thanks to insurance in about a month, but still.

 

Ok, I'm making it sound like he never does anything, but, back when we weren't depressed (before he got hit by a car) he used to "kick my ass". I LOVE rough stuff, and he would hold me down, and all that fun stuff.. I did love that, but now, he doesn't feel comfortable doing it because of his leg, and to be honest, I don't want to have to be spanked and slapped all of the time in order to be turned on.

 

So, I know that stress has something to do with this, but.. Seriously. It's been two years and he still hasn't even gotten me started on the path to orgasm. I don't know what to do, to be honest, which is why I'm here. So, what do you guys think? I am truly undecided about how I want to advance.

[Deanster]

Only two routes to go on this: decide that a decent sex life is a priority, and dump him to go find someone who can rock your world, or decide that the other stuff is good enough, and see if over time you can teach him enough to keep you from being bored and angry.

 

While I'm sure there are cases of 30 year old guys who really love to go down but didn't know it until they got a little education, my observation is that by that time, the patterns are pretty well set, and he's either into it or not. In his case, NOT.

 

I find that a good rule of thumb is to imagine how you'd feel if your partner got TWICE as interested/good as they are now. That's a HUGE change - 2x! If that wouldn't be enough to keep you happy for the rest of your life, you're screwed, as most people really struggle to improve by 10%, or 30%, much less 200%. If he initiated sex twice as often, or were twice as good at pleasuring you, would that be enough?

 

From your description, probably not - you'd like him to be 10x or 20x more into it, I'm thinking... that's more change than you can reasonably hope for.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Pick up a copy of The Guide To Getting It On, and go through it with him and find stuff you'd both like to try. It is a campy sort of book by first appearances, but it really does cover pretty much everything you can do with a person and gets the point across without being boring or clinical, or worse yet... cheesy.

 

Now, if he isn't interested in even exploring then you may want to consider a different direction for your relationship.

[journey_fromage]

Such blunt answers! I know that I came across as pretty hardcore, but do you think I'd be here if I didn't see some diamond in the rough? The problem with the internet is that you can never see the people, know all the facts, see the genuine human interaction between him and myself.. All you can know about me and my situation is that I am annoyed by a problem that is important enough for me to seek the assistance of others more experienced than I.

 

To be honest, right now, the reason we have not done much in the past week has been because I have been rejecting him. If I would just open up to him in bed, tell him what to do, he would be more than pleased to do so, as I happen to know he is rather submissive. The problem is that I myself have always been submissive, and without either of us naturally taking control in bed, it's kind of.. unguided I suppose. He doesn't know what to do, and I am to belligerent, annoyed, angered, spiteful and honestly inexperienced/shy enough to just TELL him.. It's an ironic loop. I want it to be his plan, his wanting, desire, search, and he needs me to tell him what to do so that in the future he can do it without me having to tell him.. I just hate feeling like a teacher, but what else can I do? I don't hate him, really. Outside of bed, I very infrequently feel the spite that I do for him when we are in the bedroom, so maybe that might also be why I want to avoid it. We tend to avoid the things that hurt us, no?

 

I'm just afraid, looking for encouragement I suppose. I know you've heard people say they "love" someone, but that is not even what we have. He and I are totally compatible, in everything that we do. He is so open minded, genuine, positive, enthusiastic, and kind-hearted. He understands my quirks, and I accept his. We are both in the here and now, willing to work together to overcome any obstacle in our path.. However, neither one of us knows how! I don't really want to ditch him, and if I didn't honestly believe that he does want to please me in every way, I wouldn't be here right now.

 

He has a lot of "issues" for a guy. He is very insecure, everything he does he must constantly judge, and therefore tends to hold a lot of himself back, careful lest he be judged himself. He is an INTJ, according to Briggs-Meyers. Let me show you a little bit of what it is like to be him: http://www.typelogic.com/intj.html

 

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

 

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

 

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

 

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

 

Okay! I'm sorry for the long post, but I really wanted you to know where I am coming from. Anyways, long story short, we go together very well, our types are complimentary. Can't you see a LOT of him in that post? Enough to make you at least consider that it's not just him not "wanting" it or being interested, but more of a lack of confidence, and general awkwardness and tentativeness because of his lack of knowledge? I don't want to give up "the one" just because his personality type prevents him from having confidence in bed. He is very passionate, he truly loves me. If I didn't see the love in his caring actions for me every day, I wouldn't be here.

 

Any suggestions less "cut your losses" and more "regroup and charge"? Thanks!

[Boundary Problem]

If you already answered these, forgive me but

 

1. Do either of you have children? together?

2. Do you plan to have children?

 

ie how much strain is this relationship going to come under?

 

If I have to take a shot in the dark, I think you like the fact he is a little broken and he 'needs' you to understand him, and you prefer that over a man who would directly and efficiently meet all of your needs. Maybe you sort of feel addicted to helping him.

 

your long posts tell me you are over-thinking this, which is a euphemism for he isn't meeting your needs and a lot of words are needed to provide the excuses. The effort in your long posts tells me that you aren't going to leave him. Your rejection of our unanimous, or fairly unanimous, advice to run tells me that you are addicted to his broken soul.

 

Are your family/friends supportive of this relationship? Do they think he is good for you?

 

there are lots of men out there that aren't broken. you are choosing this.

[seoa]

To be honest, right now, the reason we have not done much in the past week has been because I have been rejecting him.

erm... no... you have clearly told him some things about what does /not work for you, presumably including the kissing not-so-much... and yet, he just continues with the boring kissing... that's not about you rejecting him, that's about him rejecting you (passively) by not caring for meeting your needs in this area...!

 

of course, if for some reason you haven't already (outside the bedroom, not 'in the moment') told him that 144 kisses don't work (don't tell him you counted though!), then do it soon...

 

He doesn't know what to do...

 

...he needs me to tell him what to do so that in the future he can do it without me having to tell him..

 

You see, this just doesn't fit with everything I know of the (rare, elusive and yet so damn attractive) INTJ type...

 

When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

 

...the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

 

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship).

 

INTJs really want people to make sense.

 

INTJs don't do flirting, but they *do* do sex... very good sex, generally...

 

Interesting that you've taken all the "INTJs find relationships hard" stuff, and applied it to sex (which it doesn't apply to), and say that everything else he's ok with...

 

And interesting that you've not found (or at least, quoted) the INTJ (well, xNTx) facts that I'm more familiar with reading:

 

In any event, both female and male NTs can bring to a sexual relationship a willingness to explore possibilities of erotic arousal. If they have so marked it out as one of their areas of competency, NTs can be quite expert in sexual technology.

 

Unlike the NF, who might consider it unromantic to study carefully scientific treatises on sexuality (e.g., Masters and Johnson, 1966), NTs would be likely to do so, finding it relatively easy to translate these objective findings into creative sexual, sensual behavior.

 

If you need to find a reason for his 2-year-long lack of interest in pleasing you, I don't think you're going to find it in his myers-briggs type...!

 

Question: how responsive are you to him pleasing you... if he started with *no* kissing, but started maybe licking /sucking your neck /ears, and it felt good, how would he know, in the moment, that place-X was particularly 'working' for you, and 2cm over to the left was not really doing it... Positive feedback works for dolphins, and also for men... If you're gasping with pleasure everytime he licks a spot that makes you respond, he has immediate incentive to continue...

 

And maybe if you started with cream (or chocolate-body-paint or yoghurt or...?) then he'd have a random series of body spots to start the experiments with, all you have to do is lie back and... erm... respond...

 

edit: my theory - he's gay, or has shockingly low self-esteem so is willing to leave you unsatisfied for 2 years rather than risk making himself vulnerable by trying something new or different...

Edited November 7, 2009 by seoa

[seoa]

oh, and one of my favourite tips i like to share, if this really is about re-setting your phsyical relationship away from the spanking: go 'teenage' for a week (or however long it takes)...

 

put the 'swimsuit' rule in place - any areas reasonably covered by a swimsuit are off-limits (him: trunks, you: bikini - you want stomach accessible )

 

if he needs a boundary /rule /safe-place, then tell him he has an hour of necking (see above re: yoghurt!), where his job is to actively enjoy the 'allowed' bits of your body, and your job is to passively and completely selfishly enjoy what he's up to... your *only* job is to provide some kind of ongoing feedback (tiny moans /gasps make sense) so he knows you're awake, and which bits you like more than others... if you need a bit of kink, you could always be blindfolded, which also sets the "he does, you respond" dynamic a bit more clearly if that would help you both..