Makes no sense to me

[Untouchable_Fire]

Other than "balls" I don't know what it takes to get out of a bad thing and into a good one. I was in a bad situation, and so was she. My ego was very bruised when she ended it, but not to go back with her husband, but to another who apparently offered a better "package". And she said that she was not physically attracted to him (we had a strong physical attraction to one another which I believe is important) yet she felt he had "balls" to get out of his marriage. Pile of nonsense because he had no children and make a really good salary. So there was not going to be the financial or family issues. That's not balls. Anyway, I am over it, but really want to make peace with her, and cannot understand why she refuses to meet for a coffee,

 

If that's why she left... then she never really loved you. She was enamored with what you represented to her. Just let her go. Don't try to contact her, it will only serve to jerk around your emotions.

 

I think it is much more important for you to put some thought into your marriage. You say it is rocky. Why? What problems do you face there? What kind of woman did you marry?

 

I believe that we should always take care of our responsibilities first, and you and your wife have made each other a commitment, which means it's your job to sort that out first, before you get more tangled up with someone else.

 

Besides... Your OW sounds like a horribly shallow person. Seriously... move on.

[offset_man]

Hello there -yes, you are right. I need to spend time in the marriage and for the most part, we have a good one, in which we both have the same interests. The sex can still be great. She is a very very strong woman, and there are times when she can be contolling. My sons, while they love her very much, either avoid her or don't contact her at all. She means well, however can be one difficult person at times. She insults me in front of friends and family all the time, coming across as a prison guard. My cousin once turned to me and said, "is this the way you want to live". I have always blamed my self for the way she is, however someone once told me that is like a battered wife syndrome, and that I need to stop blaming myself. At times we have stayed together for the kids.

 

I could go on and on and on, and please, I am no saint.

 

As for the OW, well, I never thought she was shallow, and always told me that she'd live in a tent with me. The fact is she was high maintenance and while I am a pub sort of guy, she's fine dining, all the time (so to speak). In the end, she spent a lot of time telling me about how "cheap" I was. I guess I was supposed to cash in my retirement funds for her.

 

5 months ago there was a lot of emotion; today there is not. I have had many girlfriends in my life, but there is not one that I cannot pick up the phone to and say, "how are you". I find the behaviour irrational. Anyway, yes, need to move on, and I pretty much have.

[Alpha Female]

There is an incredible amount of bitterness in your posts. I am afraid they are not very helpful. We come here to achieve some inner peace over the mistakes we have made in life, and you are incredibly antagonistic to the point where you are destructive. I have admitted to being not the greatest husband, however unless you have sat my wife and me down for a counselling session, I would suggest you tone down your language. Even then, it would be inappropriate.

 

There are a lot of BS's on here that cant pass up the opportunity to jump on someone whos had an A. Its like all their venom at being cheated on by their spouse suddenly becomes your problem. I find it best to not engage with these posters.

 

I also think sometimes in life we never really get the answers we want. As much as this seems so odd and strange to you, there is a good chance youll never be able to figure out her motives. Mainly because she probably doesnt know her motives herself. ha ha

 

I think sometimes we need to just let go on our own, without ever hearing the "real truth".

 

Make sense?

[bentnotbroken]

And there are a lot of married ap on here who will cry bitter every time the get asked a question they didn't have sense enough to ask themselves before they got in the big bad gray area.

[jwi71]

I am a MM who had an intense lengthy affair with a MW.

 

ok. Simple enough so far.

 

She ended it for reasons that were probably simpler than I thought 5 months ago. `Where is it going etc etc.``

Sounds like she wanted more of a commitment than she perceived you were offering. Or maybe she was just using this as an excuse to let you down easy.

 

Anyway, she got involved with another guy who was leaving his wife and he it would appear sold her on the fact that I was probably not a good long term bet. Thought she and I talked about getting married, neither of us was ready and therefore never really approached seriously the issue of moving out, finding a house, and all those other things.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She dumped you and started with another OM? What a first class loser she is. Seriously...she's about as bad as they come. She cheats on her H with you then dumps you for another when she perceives you won't D for her. NAh...more likely she was already seeing the other guy and needed some way to dump you...and since you don't appear to want to D your W...she picked the PERFECT one.

 

She has refused any contact with me. In fact last time I had contact in mid August she said she had deleted every message I had sent without reading them and was `with her husband and she was trying to make it work`. She had, it sounded, decided to leave this other guy, who for many reasons, the biggest being he had been childless all his life, and she had two teen and preteen children.

I think all I need to say is...she walked. How much more obvious can her ACTIONS be?

 

Recently I spoke to her very close friend who said that, she had asked her not to tell me, but she was with the other guy, and not with her husband as she said to me.

Cheating and lying do go hand in hand...really, the best thing that ever happened to you was her finding another poor sap to screw over with her lies and constant cheating.

 

I would strongly consider an STD test if I were you, condoms or not.

 

And they fought all the time, over me. They would break up and get back together. I gather it was quite tempestuous. Her friend asked her, `Do you miss him (me)`and she replied `yes`. Furthermore she has been spending so much time with this guy that he husband has apparently become suspicious. It also means she is spending less and less time with her children, who are at home (she`s a real estate agent, so can always come up with an excuse to ge out). This guy has apparently forbidden any contact with me whatsoever.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Look, this woman is toxic AND radioactive. Stay far, far away.

 

I no longer have the emotional need to see her, however I miss her and still am in love with her.

You didn't really type that did you? Come on...either you are or you aren't. Likely you aren't and trying to convince yourself you are.

 

That, as odd as it sounds, does no mean I am willing to up root my life, nor do I think she is a good mate (for reasons which I have not gone into here`. Her friend says I need to talk with her and has tried to encourage her to see me. She will not respond to a normal request for coffee, for example, so the only way I could get her to respond was to provide a little drama in my mail to her. I said I neeed to speak with her and it was very important. I also cannot betray the confidence of her friendso how I broach the topic is tricky. I do feel she is making a huge mistake that will have far reaching consequences to her and her children. The new man is insanely jealous and when she met him he was off on 3 months of health leave (for dpression). This can`t be good, yet she refuses to meet with me.

Who the hell INVITES this drama into their life? Seriously, WALK. No, RUN.

At some point, ignoring your calls, lying to you and cheating on you I'd hope you got the message. I'm sure she HOPES so too. Certainly her new BF does.

 

So take the hint and GO AWAY.

 

And stop listening to this friend. Seriously, even with all of her "inside information" your MOW is STILL ignoring you (unless you pile some drama yourself). I get the impression she is stirring the pot just for grins.

 

Yesterday she called me -the first time in 5 months and asked her what it was I wanted to say to her. I said I would not do it over the phone, nor would I do it in writing. She almost agree to meet me for a coffee but hung up after her sick child walked into the room. She still maintains she is with her husband and trying to make the marriage work. In fact she says she is leaving her blackberry out for him to see all messages to allay any ssupicions and I must stop sending her messages (I have sent very few). I believe that her husband became so suspcious that she had to reduce the amount of time with this new guy and is trying to buy her husbands trust before she resumes the affair once more.

So what? This woman has no effin' clue who she is or what she wants or what makes her happy.

 

You are nuts if you want within 1000000000 miles of her. There is nothing you can say or offer her that ends well for you.

 

But,I can already tell you refuse to see the writing on the wall.

 

Good luck my friend...you're gonna need it.

[offset_man]

Well I didn't find her posts very helpful or respectful. I am sure there are issues she is dealing with and unfortunately I was in her sights.

 

What's a BS? Betrayed Spouse?

 

As for my OW's motives, I find the whole thing rather sad, in that we had a wonderful (if I may use that word) affair and throroughly enjoyed and loved one another. I think she may have been the love of my life. It did hurt when it ended, and I guess when her friend said she "misses" me and that she and her no BF fight about me all the time I felt I needed to make contact. I don't know when or if I will ever see her again now but it is just time to move on, and I have.

[bentnotbroken]

Well I didn't find her posts very helpful or respectful. I am sure there are issues she is dealing with and unfortunately I was in her sights.

 

What's a BS? Betrayed Spouse?

 

As for my OW's motives, I find the whole thing rather sad, in that we had a wonderful (if I may use that word) affair and throroughly enjoyed and loved one another. I think she may have been the love of my life. It did hurt when it ended, and I guess when her friend said she "misses" me and that she and her no BF fight about me all the time I felt I needed to make contact. I don't know when or if I will ever see her again now but it is just time to move on, and I have.

 

 

I am not dealing with any issues related to cheating. How you find my post are entirely up to you. For there to be bitterness, I have to have bitterness. But if you see that, it says more about you than me. If my posts werent' helpful, then leave them. That's the beauty of the boards. Take what YOU can use from each poster and leave the rest. And respect is also a personal intrepretation. Clearly we don't view resepct of others the same way. You good with that, I know I am.

[offset_man]

Did you notice that others are seeing it as well? Not just me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hello there -yes, you are right. I need to spend time in the marriage and for the most part, we have a good one, in which we both have the same interests. The sex can still be great. She is a very very strong woman, and there are times when she can be contolling. My sons, while they love her very much, either avoid her or don't contact her at all. She means well, however can be one difficult person at times. She insults me in front of friends and family all the time, coming across as a prison guard. My cousin once turned to me and said, "is this the way you want to live". I have always blamed my self for the way she is, however someone once told me that is like a battered wife syndrome, and that I need to stop blaming myself. At times we have stayed together for the kids.

I could go on and on and on, and please, I am no saint.

 

I think it's most productive to focus on what you plan to do about your situation rather than just crying about things you can't change. I suspect you agree with me since we are both male.

 

On that note, the best thing we can do at this point focus on trying to make your marriage livable. Seriously... your OW is gone, and she isn't comeing back... and if she did come back, would you even want her? I mean it sounds like she left you for another guy with more money... Doesn't that just sound gross?

 

My suggestion is this. Find out why your wife lashes out like that. It sounds to me like she has anger management issues, and she does that with the purpose of hurting your feelings. She needs to learn how to change. Also, Controlling people tend to be very afraid of life. She would be happier if that fear was gone. Of course those are just my basic opinion based off a few sentences.

 

Maybe you should start by telling her that you two are going to start marriage counseling. You may have to push her, and if you want things to change... you may have to be willing to divorce her. Note I didn't say you may have to actually divorce her, but you absolutely must be willing to take that step.

 

Honestly, if you've fallen to the point of cheating... You should already have one foot emotionally out the door.

 

So, based on what you have seen, heard, think, and feel, what do you intend to do about your situation?

[Alpha Female]

Well I didn't find her posts very helpful or respectful. I am sure there are issues she is dealing with and unfortunately I was in her sights.

 

What's a BS? Betrayed Spouse?

 

As for my OW's motives, I find the whole thing rather sad, in that we had a wonderful (if I may use that word) affair and throroughly enjoyed and loved one another. I think she may have been the love of my life. It did hurt when it ended, and I guess when her friend said she "misses" me and that she and her no BF fight about me all the time I felt I needed to make contact. I don't know when or if I will ever see her again now but it is just time to move on, and I have.

 

Yes, I know. All cheaters and OW/OM have to deal with that on here, unfortunately. Just let it go by I say.

 

Yes, Betrayed Spouse.

 

Id also be a little wary of this intermediary friend. For all you, your x-OW never talks about you, but this friend doesnt like the new guy, and is trying to get you back in the picture. Who knows. So many scenarios to consider!

 

And just because someone told you they fight isnt a reason to jump back in. We have to think if your former OW wanted you back, shed make that happen, right? You seem pretty receptive, and like youve made enough moves towards her in that regard.

 

I still think shes confused and probably not a stable force for you right now. Even though there was a time when you shared a very loving R.

[bentnotbroken]

Did you notice that others are seeing it as well? Not just me.

 

 

I agree with you. Usually it's people who are just like you. I'm good with that. My post aren't helpful to you, there is an ignore button you can use.

[lovekillsslowly]

I hope things get better for you. Hang in there. Believe it or not but this really is a good place to get good advice and support from others who have also made mistakes in their marriages and in their lives, and just want to learn how to come to peace with things and move on to happier days.

 

At least we know that we aren't perfect...and neither is anyone else.

Edited November 7, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MizzBlue72]

Well, life is NOT black and white for me!!!

 

Sounds like you need to leave her alone. Let her figure herself out first ,,, then see where it goes

[bentnotbroken]

Hi Off Set Man,

 

A word of advice - learn to use the ignore button for posters who want to continue to post unwanted and unhelpful replies after you have told them time and time again that they are not helping you.

 

For a good laugh take time to notice Bent's location - 'In God's Grace' - that cracks me up everytime I read one of her judgemental, fire and brimestone posts! Her location ought to read - 'From Hell's Kitchen' LOL!!!

 

I hope things get better for you. Hang in there. Believe it or not but this really is a good place to get good advice and support from others who have also made mistakes in their marriages and in their lives, and just want to learn how to come to peace with things and move on to happier days.

 

At least we know that we aren't perfect...and neither is anyone else.

 

 

You are in God's grace too. And your posts crack me up too. Glad we can bring a smile to each others day:).

[2sunny]

so now you see that you are easily replace by your MOW. yep, she up and replaced you... she'll yank you around another time or two IF YOU let her...

 

what do you plan to do about it?

 

proper order for you... might look like divorce before finding interest in the next woman, yes? be fair to your wife, divorce her. THEN you can do whatever you want to.

[NoIDidn't]

I think the OP needs to go to IC to figure out why he keeps attracting and latching on to abusive women - his W and xOW.

 

And then blaming himself for what is clearly wrong with them.

[delirious]

You are in God's grace too. And your posts crack me up too. Glad we can bring a smile to each others day:).

 

Actually Bent, you don't crack me up, you seriously irritate me. Stop bringing God into this. Either have your own debate or not. Not God's. You re not a spokesperson for God.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually Bent, you don't crack me up, you seriously irritate me. Stop bringing God into this. Either have your own debate or not. Not God's. You re not a spokesperson for God.

 

:rolleyes:AAAHHHH did we get up on the wrong side of bed this morning. It will get better. That's the beauty of God's grace. Everyday is a new beginning. A new chance to do the right thing. And man am I glad, cause I need those new days.

[delirious]

I don't get you Bent, you are not helping again!!!! You have been told you are not wanted by Offset Man has already said he does not like your views and does not find them valid, it is his cry for help and you are not helping, but still you continue.... as you have done other times. If you are so God loving, why are you not here to help??? you are like a dog with a bone.....

[bentnotbroken]

I don't get you Bent, you are not helping again!!!! You have been told you are not wanted by Offset Man has already said he does not like your views and does not find them valid, it is his cry for help and you are not helping, but still you continue.... as you have done other times. If you are so God loving, why are you not here to help??? you are like a dog with a bone.....

 

 

Not going anywhere. That ignore button works for you too since I bother you so much. Be blessed.

[tami-chan]

I agree with you. Usually it's people who are just like you. I'm good with that. My post aren't helpful to you, there is an ignore button you can use.

 

or if you think your posts aren't helpful to him...maybe , just maybe you should refrain from responding? just saying...it works both ways.

 

Offset_man, she is right, there is an ignore button...however, I think it is important to read how many bitter betrayed spouses think....it might be something you will have to deal if your wife finds out about your affair.

 

About your dilemma, don't you think that her being in an another affair and the fact that you have already decided that she is not good wife material are enough to just write her off your life? Are those not good enough "closures" for you?

 

Move on...establish no contact, you do not want another set of lies from her.....or do you? Rest on the fact that she still misses you....feed your ego with that...you were not "forgettable"---now move on...

[Virgo1982]

Seems to me she likes the fact that this guy is "insanely jealous." I believe he just wants to have a woman on the side to himself. If he is in fact insanely jealous and her friends should be able to talk to her about that or intervene. If they are contacting you, they sound like drama hounds.

 

I understand what Bent is saying and it is quite frustrating. Why do certain men expect more from a woman, morally, than they expect from themselves? Some men call men and women whores, but some men call men players and call women whores. I definitely don't get that.

 

On the other hand, it does get a bit weird when you think someone is telling you the truth because you are not someone else, but you find they aren't truthful to you either. And I think that's why you thought you could be with her, but now see she all for self.

[offset_man]

Hello Jwi71

 

I think you are bang on the mark with all your comments and I am well advised to stay far far away from her. I am not shure why her friend cars to stir the pot however. She actually is in her onw screwed up relatioship as well, so maybe that is why she is doing it.

[offset_man]

or if you think your posts aren't helpful to him...maybe , just maybe you should refrain from responding? just saying...it works both ways.

 

Offset_man, she is right, there is an ignore button...however, I think it is important to read how many bitter betrayed spouses think....it might be something you will have to deal if your wife finds out about your affair.

 

About your dilemma, don't you think that her being in an another affair and the fact that you have already decided that she is not good wife material are enough to just write her off your life? Are those not good enough "closures" for you?

 

Move on...establish no contact, you do not want another set of lies from her.....or do you? Rest on the fact that she still misses you....feed your ego with that...you were not "forgettable"---now move on...

 

 

Thanks Tami

 

I agree with everthing you are saying. I really have moved on, and though I still think of her often, I could never leave my wife for her, after what she has done and is doing now. I could never trust her especially as she is out all hours of the night and day knowing how she carries on.

 

There is also something about a mother who "blows off her children". Something I did not say earlier was that she was in an affair with another single guy when I met her. She pursued me when she "fell in love" with me. I guess this guy being a bachelor would never say he loved her and also was not going to accept young children. I always wondered when she told me that she would sometimes be with this guy unitl 5 am and the neighbours would watch her come home on weekends that her husband was away. She would pay a babysitter $10 an hour because she needed discretion. I may not be the greatest father in the world, but there is something about leaving kids well under the age of 10 home until 5 am with a stranger that spoke to me in not a good way. I always insisted she be home with her children when they got home from school.

[offset_man]

I think it's most productive to focus on what you plan to do about your situation rather than just crying about things you can't change. I suspect you agree with me since we are both male.

 

On that note, the best thing we can do at this point focus on trying to make your marriage livable. Seriously... your OW is gone, and she isn't comeing back... and if she did come back, would you even want her? I mean it sounds like she left you for another guy with more money... Doesn't that just sound gross?

 

My suggestion is this. Find out why your wife lashes out like that. It sounds to me like she has anger management issues, and she does that with the purpose of hurting your feelings. She needs to learn how to change. Also, Controlling people tend to be very afraid of life. She would be happier if that fear was gone. Of course those are just my basic opinion based off a few sentences.

 

Maybe you should start by telling her that you two are going to start marriage counseling. You may have to push her, and if you want things to change... you may have to be willing to divorce her. Note I didn't say you may have to actually divorce her, but you absolutely must be willing to take that step.

 

Honestly, if you've fallen to the point of cheating... You should already have one foot emotionally out the door.

 

So, based on what you have seen, heard, think, and feel, what do you intend to do about your situation?

 

 

Thanks Untouchable. I have suggested counselling however she says I am the one that needs it, not her. No kidding. We had an absolutely terrible weekend because I invited her to the pub on Friday night. She said no (she knows how important my friday night pub nights are). So I said I was going. I said I would bring a pizza home for dinner. She said, No, i have homemade soup and I am not waiting for you. I arrived home then at 7.30 and it was an ugly scene because I had shown her no respect. The entire weekend as a result was ruined and she slept elsewhere on friday night.

 

She's got lots of emotional issues and I am afraid I don't do a very good job at providing a salve. She expects people to behave in a certain way (I see it in her parents house) and if one doesn't then God help you. I have had many fights with her father who has the same personality. Yes, anger management is a problem. Her brother once told me in relation to her father, "you don't want my father running bar", as alcohol can set him off. Those were his words to me at at time I was looking at buying one and was going to include him.