offset_man Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I am a MM who had an intense lengthy affair with a MW. She ended it for reasons that were probably simpler than I thought 5 months ago. `Where is it going etc etc.`` Anyway, she got involved with another guy who was leaving his wife and he it would appear sold her on the fact that I was probably not a good long term bet. Thought she and I talked about getting married, neither of us was ready and therefore never really approached seriously the issue of moving out, finding a house, and all those other things. She has refused any contact with me. In fact last time I had contact in mid August she said she had deleted every message I had sent without reading them and was `with her husband and she was trying to make it work`. She had, it sounded, decided to leave this other guy, who for many reasons, the biggest being he had been childless all his life, and she had two teen and preteen children. Recently I spoke to her very close friend who said that, she had asked her not to tell me, but she was with the other guy, and not with her husband as she said to me. And they fought all the time, over me. They would break up and get back together. I gather it was quite tempestuous. Her friend asked her, `Do you miss him (me)`and she replied `yes`. Furthermore she has been spending so much time with this guy that he husband has apparently become suspicious. It also means she is spending less and less time with her children, who are at home (she`s a real estate agent, so can always come up with an excuse to ge out). This guy has apparently forbidden any contact with me whatsoever. I no longer have the emotional need to see her, however I miss her and still am in love with her. That, as odd as it sounds, does no mean I am willing to up root my life, nor do I think she is a good mate (for reasons which I have not gone into here`. Her friend says I need to talk with her and has tried to encourage her to see me. She will not respond to a normal request for coffee, for example, so the only way I could get her to respond was to provide a little drama in my mail to her. I said I neeed to speak with her and it was very important. I also cannot betray the confidence of her friendso how I broach the topic is tricky. I do feel she is making a huge mistake that will have far reaching consequences to her and her children. The new man is insanely jealous and when she met him he was off on 3 months of health leave (for dpression). This can`t be good, yet she refuses to meet with me. Yesterday she called me -the first time in 5 months and asked her what it was I wanted to say to her. I said I would not do it over the phone, nor would I do it in writing. She almost agree to meet me for a coffee but hung up after her sick child walked into the room. She still maintains she is with her husband and trying to make the marriage work. In fact she says she is leaving her blackberry out for him to see all messages to allay any ssupicions and I must stop sending her messages (I have sent very few). I believe that her husband became so suspcious that she had to reduce the amount of time with this new guy and is trying to buy her husbands trust before she resumes the affair once more. I just don`t understand why she is so adamant about refusingto see me other than she is terrified this jerk is going to find out and she feels she would have to tell him. She misses`` me yet`when I try to reach out to her there is nothing but hostility against me, my previous loves, my wife and on and on and on. I just don`t get it. I`d love to see her again but I really am not interested in resuming an affair with her. But I genuinely fear for what she is doing. Sorry for the rambling and always accept some thoughts and advice. I am sure I should just back off and stay away.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I just don`t understand why she is so adamant about refusingto see me other than she is terrified this jerk is going to find out and she feels she would have to tell him. She misses`` me yet`when I try to reach out to her there is nothing but hostility against me, my previous loves, my wife and on and on and on. I just don`t get it. I`d love to see her again but I really am not interested in resuming an affair with her. But I genuinely fear for what she is doing. Sorry for the rambling and always accept some thoughts and advice. I am sure I should just back off and stay away. I've been through this one before. You can't control what she does, so it's best to just let go. Maybe when her H cools down she will change her tune and contact you. In the meantime just focus on the fact that she really isn't someone for you in a long term way.
Alpha Female Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 She sounds really confused and like she has just so much swirling around. One day she tells you to buzz off, the next shes calling for coffee. One day shes telling her friend she misses you, the next you find out shes seeing another OM. Do you think some of your desire for her is ego-related? Because I would probably feel that way.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 OMFG this woman is absolutely disgusting and your willing to give your marriage up for her, a woman who has several affairs, who dont know the meaning of being faithful? She's destroying her family and yet you want to be with this woman, tell me I'm not reading this right??? Every day I come on here and I see this sick stuff all the time. I wish they're spouses can read this stuff too. they're be less heartbreak in the world.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 She sounds really confused and like she has just so much swirling around. One day she tells you to buzz off, the next shes calling for coffee. One day shes telling her friend she misses you, the next you find out shes seeing another OM. Do you think some of your desire for her is ego-related? Because I would probably feel that way. Yes -I do believe there is ego involved here. Isn't there always?
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 yeah, I am not really sure I want to resume an affair with this woman, however I would like to make some peace with her. Based on what her friend told me I have lost some respect for her.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Correction. At one time I MIGHT have been willing to give up my marriage. However towards the end, I realized that she was not a good mate for me, and especially now, when I find out that loyalty is not her strong point (funny, I really thought she was quite loyal to me and I think she was for 3.5 years I think it would be a huge mistake. I believe these serial affairs, and possibly multiple marriages will be her trade marke most of her life. I felt I would have been happy with her at one time. Not today.
boldjack Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Well, OP I would consider the affair over and move on to other affairs, since you obviously aren't thinking of your own wife.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 You are quite right, I am not thinking of my wife. She deserves better. What's an OP?
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 It's so hard to understand the mind of a cheater isn't it? So I imagine you losing respect for her means you lost a good bit for yourself too...right? Didn't you know she was cheating while you two were doing your thang? Her mind set is your mindset. Figure yourself out and you are bound to figure her(at least some aspects)out as well. I find it hard to believe that you thought loyalty was something she was capable of while you fooled around with her. But aren't you expecting more of her than you are exhibiting. Where's your loyalty, your respect? Why do you think you deserve these qualities in any mate you chose without showing the same qualities? Do you think she should be held to a higher standard than yourself. I by no means thinks she is anything more than the base level human you have described here, but you seem to think you are better than she is. That you should have the things you say she lacks. It's funny and sad at the same time. When you look in the mirror, look for those same character traits, if you don't find them....stop looking for them in others, you don't deserve that level of respect.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) You are quite right, I am not thinking of my wife. She deserves better. What's an OP? What about your wife? Don't you think SHE deserves better? From you? Or maybe from someone else... OP = Other person aka affair partner. OP also means original poster too.. Edited November 6, 2009 by whichwayisup
Alpha Female Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yes -I do believe there is ego involved here. Isn't there always? Yes I believe their is. Now that my x-MM has broken every promise he made to me about leaving his W for me, I do feel ego-bruised in "losing" to his W. And the worst part is that shes dramatically over weight, high school education, ignorant, keeps a disgustingly filthy house, is extremely unattractive, and with a coarse personality. People that know her call her "the beast". Shes a hideous person inside and out. If he stayed with his W who was even remotely comparable to me, I think the rejection would be more understood. But since she is so much less in every category imaginable, it hurts more. All ego.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 It's so hard to understand the mind of a cheater isn't it? So I imagine you losing respect for her means you lost a good bit for yourself too...right? Didn't you know she was cheating while you two were doing your thang? Her mind set is your mindset. Figure yourself out and you are bound to figure her(at least some aspects)out as well. I find it hard to believe that you thought loyalty was something she was capable of while you fooled around with her. But aren't you expecting more of her than you are exhibiting. Where's your loyalty, your respect? Why do you think you deserve these qualities in any mate you chose without showing the same qualities? Do you think she should be held to a higher standard than yourself. I by no means thinks she is anything more than the base level human you have described here, but you seem to think you are better than she is. That you should have the things you say she lacks. It's funny and sad at the same time. When you look in the mirror, look for those same character traits, if you don't find them....stop looking for them in others, you don't deserve that level of respect. Did I hit a sore spot? Is it not possible for two people who are in a marriage to meet and to fall in love? Is life that black and white for you? My marriage has been rocky from day one, and perhaps I was wrong to get into it. I fell in love with another woman, and she with me. There are many reasons why it ended, but yes, as a matter of fact, I believed that we could have made something of that relationship. I am sure that you don't see it that way, however your tone is rather bitter and you are showing who you are.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Other than "balls" I don't know what it takes to get out of a bad thing and into a good one. I was in a bad situation, and so was she. My ego was very bruised when she ended it, but not to go back with her husband, but to another who apparently offered a better "package". And she said that she was not physically attracted to him (we had a strong physical attraction to one another which I believe is important) yet she felt he had "balls" to get out of his marriage. Pile of nonsense because he had no children and make a really good salary. So there was not going to be the financial or family issues. That's not balls. Anyway, I am over it, but really want to make peace with her, and cannot understand why she refuses to meet for a coffee,
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 1)Did I hit a sore spot? 2)Is it not possible for 2 people to met and fall in love? 3) Is life that black and white for you? 4) My marriage has been rocky from day one, and perhaps I was wrong to get into it. 5)I fell in love with another woman, and she with me. There are many reasons why it ended, but yes, as a matter of fact, I believed that we could have made something of that relationship. 6)I am sure that you don't see it that way, however your tone is rather bitter and you are showing who you are. 1) nope. No sore spot. Did I hit one with you? 2)Yes, life is that black and white for me. 3)Yes, not only is it possible, but as evidenced by this and other boards, it happens everyday. 4)Apparently so was your wife's marriage and her husband's. Are they cheating too? 5)Too bad, you believed your won lies(an hers). 6)I have been told this before, usually by someone who didn't like what I said. Now, back to my question. Do you think you are better than her since you are holding her to a standard you haven't been able to display yourself? Why?
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Other than "balls" I don't know what it takes to get out of a bad thing and into a good one. I was in a bad situation, and so was she. My ego was very bruised when she ended it, but not to go back with her husband, but to another who apparently offered a better "package". And she said that she was not physically attracted to him (we had a strong physical attraction to one another which I believe is important) yet she felt he had "balls" to get out of his marriage. Pile of nonsense because he had no children and make a really good salary. So there was not going to be the financial or family issues. That's not balls. Anyway, I am over it, but really want to make peace with her, and cannot understand why she refuses to meet for a coffee, All your post say otherwise. If you are so over it, you don't need to make peace or anything else with her. She isn't looking for peace because she is at peace with her current toy. Apparently she isn't holding on to you or anything else, she has moved on. She doesn't owe you coffee, tea or her. You aren't worth a meeting in her mind...what's to understand?
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 No. I certainly don't feel I am better than her. Not by a long shot. I am a despicable human being. Far worse than she is, as a matter of fact.
torranceshipman Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I don't get it...you're not likely to leave your W so you aren 't in love with this woman, so what exactly are you wanting to resume? Just a long term A behind your W's back-or is this an open marriage? And the OW is 'breaking up' with another affair partner over you? While she's M? So what us there to 'break up'? I confess to not understanding what the heck is going on. If you really want the woman then D your W. Clearly your marriage and hers are in a sorry mess anyway. If you aren't prepared to leave your W then you guys are just co-existing in some weird Jerry Springer set up. Surely that'd not make you happy? On a side note I feel really bad for your W and her H.
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 No. I certainly don't feel I am better than her. Not by a long shot. I am a despicable human being. Far worse than she is, as a matter of fact. I highly doubt you are a despicable person...at least not anymore than the average human. All your post seem to hold her at a higher standard. One of loyalty, respect and trust. These aren't character traits of anyone who has made the choices that she apparently continues to make(new ap). To say that you are completely blinded to the that fact is putting it mildly.
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yes. All very confusing isn't it. Her very good friend confided in me that she misses me and is in a bad situation with this other guy and they fight over me all the time. Her friend has been encouraging me to try to see her, and her friend has also been trying to coax her to see me. But the other guy is insanely jealous and has forbidden her to have anything to do with me. As ridiculous as this sounds, I have no interest in resuming an affair with her, however I still care very much for her and if I can help I will. Does this make any sense at all to you?
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yes. All very confusing isn't it. Her very good friend confided in me that she misses me and is in a bad situation with this other guy and they fight over me all the time. Her friend has been encouraging me to try to see her, and her friend has also been trying to coax her to see me. But the other guy is insanely jealous and has forbidden her to have anything to do with me. As ridiculous as this sounds, I have no interest in resuming an affair with her, however I still care very much for her and if I can help I will. Does this make any sense at all to you? With friends like that(who encourage you to do the wrong thing)who needs enemies. And no it doesn't make sense. Weren't you the one who said your were so over it? Tell the friend to go fine someone else's life to help jack up, unless that's the sort of drama you want. Has your wife been given the opportunity to find happiness else were with a new man? Have you told her that you are cheating and that she is free to do the same thing? Wouldn't that be fair to her, to have the same choices you do?
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 There is an incredible amount of bitterness in your posts. I am afraid they are not very helpful. We come here to achieve some inner peace over the mistakes we have made in life, and you are incredibly antagonistic to the point where you are destructive. I have admitted to being not the greatest husband, however unless you have sat my wife and me down for a counselling session, I would suggest you tone down your language. Even then, it would be inappropriate.
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 There is an incredible amount of bitterness in your posts. I am afraid they are not very helpful. We come here to achieve some inner peace over the mistakes we have made in life, and you are incredibly antagonistic to the point where you are destructive. I have admitted to being not the greatest husband, however unless you have sat my wife and me down for a counselling session, I would suggest you tone down your language. Even then, it would be inappropriate. :lmao::lmao::lmao:I am no more bitter than you are at the ow. You are kidding right? I ask a question that you don't' like and I am bitter. Get real. If you haven't thought enough of your wife to give her the same option, then don't get pissed at me for asking. I suggest you tone down your attitude if you expect to move from the point you are in life. :lmao::lmao:
Author offset_man Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 marriage is not a prison: she can do what she wants and has all options open to her. We have had many discussions on continuing the marriage and these discussions are on going. I am sorry I just don't feel your posts are very respectful and in keeping with the sprit of what this forum is all about. I had an affair. I made a mistake. I was never bitter with the OW ending it, but rather how it ended. You seem to be of the "guilty until proven innocent" persuasion and have a huge axe you are still grinding over a your own situation, is my guess, for which I am sure I would find sympathy, and empathy.
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 marriage is not a prison: she can do what she wants and has all options open to her. We have had many discussions on continuing the marriage and these discussions are on going. I am sorry I just don't feel your posts are very respectful and in keeping with the sprit of what this forum is all about. I had an affair. I made a mistake. I was never bitter with the OW ending it, but rather how it ended. You seem to be of the "guilty until proven innocent" persuasion and have a huge axe you are still grinding over a your own situation, is my guess, for which I am sure I would find sympathy, and empathy. :lmao::lmao::lmao:Again, you are reading something that isn't' there because you are dealing with your own mess. If you have read any of my so called bitter post you would know, there is nothing in my posts to you that shows anything other than my convictions that I say to everyone. Have a nice day. :)
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