toofar Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I have spent 5 years in what I would class as a loving relationship. Things were very good for 3.5 of those... with some niggles in the last 18 months. No huge fights. Just those that you would expect over the course of a relationship. Out of the blue... It's over. No explanation with any real meaning. Just, its not working. Instantly, it's like speaking to a stranger..being spoken to like we had nothing - almost with absolute hate. No nastiness on my side.. just looking for reasoning. Where does a complete 180 like this come from... it is truly hurtful. The disbelief is what makes you call again. Surely you can't have heard that right? Just days ago everything was about 'forever'. But no..the abuse starts all over again. How dare you question why all these years are being thrown away. I am in utter shock..... Is this a common reaction?
stace79 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Are you asking if your reaction of shock and disbelief is common? I think yes. If you really had no inkling that things were "that bad" that a breakup was imminent, I'd probably been in shock, too. Actually, isn't disbelief or denial one of the stages of grief? As for the other person's actions, I'm not sure. My first guess would be that she met someone else. Have you typically had good communication? It's just strange you were together so long and you had no honest idea that she was so unhappy she'd want to get out... So sorry for your loss. I know it is rough. People here will do their best to help you through it though!
Author toofar Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks for your support Stace.. I could have worded that better. Do people commonly treat a long term partner like this directly after breaking up? There was no cheating or anything of that nature involved. There was no obvious wrong doing. Your reaction..there may be someone else, was exactly the same as mine. I can't really rationalise it any other way. I am as sure as I can be that its not the case though. That would at least provide a reason and some understanding. I am off the mark somewhere I know.. but the relationship must have been at least ok to have lasted this long. Everything appeared fairly sound.. and actions backed that up. I dont see how someone can create an illusion of happiness and love and then within such a short space of time appear to have removed those feelings and replaced them with a mix of indifference and coldness. If you see a person every day for years - and suddenly it stops, I would imagine it would be hard for both parties. After all, they have chosen to see you every day. It's just really hard to stomach. How can I be a mess and them be fine? There really don't appear to have been any signs of withdrawing emotionally.
gtrguy Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) I hate to say it but many people in this world (both men and women) are master manipulators and liars. They can hide things such as feelings, emotions, truths, etc better than anyone. And I know exactly how you feel because I was with someone who did that very same thing to me. I did everything to bring her life forward and she left me in a blink of an eye. But I should've known better because she had a pattern of lying and manipulating to everyone in her life over and over again. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but even though in your eyes the relationship was wonderful, it may have been completely different in her head. It is extremely likely that there is someone else or has been interested in for a while. Thats how its so incredibly easy for them to cut the tie immediatly without any emotion. The other piece I will add is that there are people in this world who are also extremely good at pushing down feelings and emotions... Obviously much better than all of us here at LS!!! That could also be the reason she is able to turn off so fast. Again, I know what you are going through because I did it myself. Your best bet is to take care of yourself, do not contact her, and know there is someone much better out there for you. I also see you are from NYC... You know very well that you could turn a street corner and meet someone else. Its a scary place to have a true real relationship in. The question I always ask myself if I ever get down is, Would I ever want to end up with someone who lied, manipulated, and can turn off their feelings so easily? Edited November 6, 2009 by gtrguy
Dream Brother Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I'm so sorry for what you are going through but even though in your eyes the relationship was wonderful, it may have been completely different in her head. It is extremely likely that there is someone else or has been interested in for a while. Thats how its so incredibly easy for them to cut the tie immediatly without any emotion. typically when this happens suddenly, this is the case.. someone else. Sorry to hear about your situation, I know it's painful and beggars belief. Easier said than done, especially after x years but they are not worth worrying about. Even if you get back together, they will probably do it again. I wish I could understand these people or why I was attracted to *that* for so long without a clue but it happens. I'm going to go out on a limb here and probably be berated for it but those types of characters will probably face divorce at some stage.
106rob Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 yep my girlfriend has done the same thing to me,just switched off almost over night asif the 2 years we had ment nothing,it feels like my hear has been ripped out and given me in a doggy bag
gtrguy Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I'm going to go out on a limb here and probably be berated for it but those types of characters will probably face divorce at some stage. Don't think you are going out on a limb at all. I think this is why the divorce rate is so incredibly high. People just don't know how to work through things any more and they are always looking for bigger and better.
Neill Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 "yep my girlfriend has done the same thing to me,just switched off almost over night asif the 2 years we had ment nothing,it feels like my hear has been ripped out and given me in a doggy bag " the same thing just happened me last night..2 years and things were goin gud(or so i thought). now I dont know what to do, never felt so bad before
sandflea Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Ahhh, yes. Been there. Usually there is a transfer person. Sigh. Never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be. Better days ahead. One foot in front of the other. You'll be fine. I have spent 5 years in what I would class as a loving relationship. Things were very good for 3.5 of those... with some niggles in the last 18 months. No huge fights. Just those that you would expect over the course of a relationship. Out of the blue... It's over. No explanation with any real meaning. Just, its not working. Instantly, it's like speaking to a stranger..being spoken to like we had nothing - almost with absolute hate. No nastiness on my side.. just looking for reasoning. Where does a complete 180 like this come from... it is truly hurtful. The disbelief is what makes you call again. Surely you can't have heard that right? Just days ago everything was about 'forever'. But no..the abuse starts all over again. How dare you question why all these years are being thrown away. I am in utter shock..... Is this a common reaction?
Author toofar Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. I feel for anyone in this boat. I consider that it would have been fairly difficult to have found the time to entertain someone else though. I don't keep tabs.. but I know our work hours.. and we spent 99% of our time together. (I know this was not healthy) I may be wrong, but it would have been hard. We own an apartment and have woken up to each other every day. I miss her dearly. Some of you know exactly how much that hurts. But seriously.. it's like she doesn't even think of me. This could all be a front.. but it's pretty chilling to see the person you love turn into a monster towards you overnight.
GrayClouds Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Those 18 months was her pulling away without you really noticing it. The out of the blue was her finding someone else she wants to pursue... or already caught. It is amazing how immature, selfish and destructive people can be to someone and then rationalize their behavior leaving someone else to deal with it. Good luck.
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