Nightmare21 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Hello, I just discovered these boards. We lost our 21 year old only child to suicide September 23, 2009. Since the passing of Mandy, nothing has been the same. Not that I expected it to be. Some of our daily, normal routines have returned somewhat with the exception of a few things. We visit her grave every day. Hubby no longer gets text messages from her, I don't get to talk to her every day before I go to work and we no longer have to wonder where she is or what shes doing. When I come home from work, I still expect to see Mandy laying on the livingroom couch watching t.v. I've noticed something else as well. Our marriage isn't the same as it was three months ago. We both seem very distant from each other. Almost "cold" to each other. We argue more and where we're not argueing there's an awkward slience between us. While we still love each other it feels like the spark is gone and were just going through the motions of marriage. We've been married 26 years and this has never happened before. It seems we're more like roomates now rather then husband and wife. How do we get through this?
hopeful1980 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I am so sorry. My brother died and my mom and dad's marriage was strained for a while afterwards. I think they blamed each other for his death. They went to marriage counseling and I think they are better now. They seem better and we all went on a vacation together this past June. They seemed to be enjoying each other and life more now. It does take a while after such a devestating loss to get back to "normal". You have to make a new normal, because the normal you knew is no more. Give it time. I'm so sorry for your loss.
quankanne Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 am sorry for your loss as well *hug* from what I've read, a child's death is the hardest thing to hit a couple, even when the marriage is a strong one, because while each has lost a child, each grieves differently, and there's no "right way" to grieve in front of your partner. Which makes it all the harder, you know? not sure what my brother and his wife did when my nephew died, but I do know there were some preexisting problems that came to a head ... I think over the past couple of years they worked to resolve them, because they're still together. at this point, the only advice I can give is to get lined up with a counselor or minister where y'all can have a "safe" place to discuss your feelings without fear of repercussion. I imagine this is killing him as much as it is you, but he just doesn't know how to approach it. you are both in my prayers, q
The Midnight Rider Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your loss. There are no words I can say on this post or in person to relieve your grief. But that's the issue here. It's grief and a lot of it. Your husband isn't distant because of you, it's because he is grieving. There is no getting past this quickly. It will be a slow, painful process filled with ups and downs and sideways and he will cry like no man has cried before. Grief counseling would go a long way for both of you to get past this together (Note I didn't say over because you'll never get over it). In the meantime, give him his space and be there when he needs you because no matter how tough we men are, in the end we are still bigger little boys and he WILL need you weather he says so or not. One day, the sun will shine again for you and your family and you will smile. You will be in my prayers.
mark982 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 nightmare, i'm am so sorry for your loss,i can't even imagine your pain. maybe seeing a professional,or preacher will ease your husbands and your pain.
boundaryproblem Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I think we take our pain out on those we are closest to and those we trust the most. I would start with not going to her grave as much. Constantly re-opening the wound isn't going to help it heal. Maybe set aside an hour or two a day where you aren't going to think about it and you are going to firmly think about a good project that you enjoy. ie give yourself breaks from your grief. It will help you keep your strength. Grief can be endless.
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