dimeified Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Hi guys, im new to the forum. I found the site looking through google, im having a hard time dealing with what has happened in my life with my gf colleen. We have been dating for about 3 years. At around 2 and 1/2 we stopped talking for a month because her drinking was out of control, and she was all over her ex boyfriend at a concert we went to, even the dudes wife was looking at her like she wanted to murder her. The guy didn't like the attention at all. So i broke it off because this crap has happened before and i finally got sick of it. While we separated i was introduced to a nice girl and she met some guy. I realized i didn't want to say goodbye forver, and started talking to her again. I was 100% honest about the new girl i had just asked out the previous week, and was looking for a way out of it. I sent her all the emails everything, and stopped talking to the new girl. All my efforts went into repairing my relationship with colleen, and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt get through to her. Well last friday her phone accidentally called my friend's phone, and it was her talking to another guy about how much shes attached to him and how he's the only person shes having sex with besides her bf (me). I swear to god towards the end of the message, i hear her blow him. This is the WORST way i could have found out. Anyway, i found this all out sunday when my friend forwarded me the message. I dumped her, i am a wreck. She siad she doesnt want to talk to him anymore, and she wants to be with me and knows she doesnt deserve me. Even after i caught her she would only admit to what i thought i had substantial proof to. She would bang this guy behind my back then tell me she loves me. The guy seems pretty upset about it, he calls her drunk and **** leaving her stupid ass messages. She has alcohol problems, and since hanging out with this guy she was poping pills and snorting coke, getting all f*ed up and having sex with him. She swears she always used a condom, how could i be sure? But i know he didnt wear one when she would blow him. I don't get how she could put me at risk for std's like this? My friend who forwarded the message to me used to date this guy, she was telling me about his permiscuous dirty past. I feel like crap, i haven't eaten since sunday, my face is growing thin and boney, my stomach is on fire, and i can't eat because i'll puke. She tells me "well when we broke up i met him and got attached, and didnt know how to end it, and i did a couple times when we got back together but he was so persistent. i just wanted to be friends then i would give in when he wanted to have sex cause i wa s on drugs or drunk." How do i deal with this? what would you guys do? Keep in mind though, for the past 2 and 1/2 or 3 years, this girl has been the closest person to me, and was the only certainty in my life that i could use to measure other aspects, only to find out she was letting someone in her behind my back, once in a freaking sears parkinglot. She swears the condom was even on then, but honestly, would you buy it? edit: i should add that she lives in ny, me in nj, and the past 3 days since this happened, she's been driving to nj to see me every day, to express how sorry she is. She told her mother of her infidelity, her mother wants us to be together, and i have the family's support. But then when i want to talk about it now and then she'll blame me for breaking up with her for her acting like a drunk when we would go out. But it seems like she truly is sorry, but i just can't tell. She said she'll change her phone number and all. But lets say we get back together, there is still the drinking issues. With her being the closest person to me, is it worth saving the relationship? Or is she a cold C word, and doesn't deserve me since i was so honest about what was going on with me and the new girl, and she STILL cheated? Edited November 5, 2009 by dimeified
bluestraps Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 The drinking is the problem. If she does not get some help Your life will be a living hell. She needs help. Cocaine,, WHAT........ AA calling.. If you can with her family get her help you will benefit from it. My girlfriend with all her cheating she did on me... She has no drug problem and a nice girl , But something was just not right . sounds like she is deaing with something from her past . And the drinikng and drugs are the cause of her out of controll behavior.
quankanne Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 when i want to talk about it now and then she'll blame me for breaking up with her for her acting like a drunk when we would go out. But it seems like she truly is sorry, but i just can't tell. of course she's going to blame you for her behavior – she's a raging, coked up drunk who isn't interested in taking responsibility for her behavior. the question isn't whether you should get back with her, but whether you want to spend the next several years of your life being at the receiving end of this kind of treatment, knowing it's the best she's ever going to be able to give you because of her addictions. frankly, she's a mess you need to cut yourself off from, COLD TURKEY. proof is in the pudding, and until she actively starts cooking with a new recipe, that pudding isn't gonna change. Entiendes?
MrFun Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 quankanne is absolutely right on the money. Hey, and no wonder you have the family's support, you're even on a website posting for ways to help her. You're a great catch. Question is if you want to help someone or if you want to have someone help you. Drinking, coke, cheating...what's next? Threesomes with a midget and two circus goats? No no no....you need to take a break from this chick.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 dime its real simple. she doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. put her on the street where she belongs.
RedDevil66 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 This is from my Al Anon site Dude, RUN fast. Addicts are the hardest people to change, trust or believe What Addicts Do My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you. My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Perhaps Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 (edited) Hmm this is a tough one. I know exactly how you feel. I'd want to slap her across her face for getting into the wrong things (though I do NOT support domestic violence). How stupid do you have to be to not realize drugs are bad. But then again, I understand how much effort you've put into this. I would tell you to leave it all behind you but.. I'm one of those poeple that just can't leave someone behind.. especially in such a state. My advice is to keep your walls high. She's done a lot to hurt you and a few days of driving across town won't fix all the damage that's been done. Tell her to fix herself up.. not for you.. but for herself. I'm sorry I can't give any firm advice.. I'm trying really hard to think what I'd do myself. When I do come up with something, i'll definitely let you know. Hopefully, someone else can point us both in the right direction here. Edited November 8, 2009 by Perhaps
Author dimeified Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) I ended up breaking up with her blowing her off cold turkey. I've grown my b*lls back rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself. Thank god for Jay Z, Pantera, and pushups. Thanks for the help guys, im surprised i was actually able to do it. RedDevil, your post about Addicts was especially helpful. Edited November 10, 2009 by dimeified
quankanne Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 how are you handling your decision ... are you okay? red, that is an excellent bit you posted there – makes you really think ...
Author dimeified Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) how are you handling your decision ... are you okay? red, that is an excellent bit you posted there – makes you really think ... so far ok, anytime i start to feel sorry for myself and upset over it, i remind myself who i am and how i am better than to deserve that. Keeping confidence after an episode like this is the toughest part to do, but its the MOST important. The most satisfying part of it is her knowing im not a sorry sap willing to deal with whatever she puts me through, since in any other situation i've put up with her stunts. She isn't used to it and is writting emails and calling but im ignoring her. The sadder i get, the angier i get, and the firmer i am on my stance to ignore her. I'll never trust her again, so theres no point in even trying to work things out. I hope she goes back to that drug addict she did this with, they deserve each other. Edited November 10, 2009 by dimeified
reservoirdog1 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Dime, you did the right thing. Sounds like you have the strength to stick with your decision. She's completely and utterly not worth it. There are tons of girls out there who AREN'T drunk, coked up whores who can't keep their legs together. Anger can be your friend right now. Channel it into kickass workouts, build yourself up, and find a hotter, better girl.
seibert253 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Bravo Dime. We are all very, very proud of you. You're life will be soooo much better without her. I'm sure you're already learning this.
Author dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) Supposedly she ordered a different sleeping pill for bed time, and took too much of it, surprise surprise, and she left me a bunch of emails and voice messages saying shes coming here today. I left her a voicemail and email saying "i do not want to see you, do not come to my house, we are not together. i dont understand what the confusion is." I don't want to blow it up and get the cops involved, and i still live with my parents and dont want them to be bothered by this. What do i do? I'm moving out of their house next week, this is supposed to be an exciting time for me and shes ruining it. What if she shows up at my parents house while im at work? They dont know about all this, so to them, its normal for her to just walk in and head up to my room and lay around on the computer to wait for me to get home. I'm not worried about her ruining my property, she isnt spiteful like a dog, but seriously she needs to get it through her head. I need to get rid of her fast. If she comes over i know an argument will ensue, and once again i will be stuck having another aweful night of yelling and pain and misery. I will be enraged by her monotone voice talking talking talking saying hurtful things while i scream at her to shut up and she ignores me and continues her sentences and the walls in the house aren't thin but they aren't thick either. "You dont give me affection this is why i got it elsewhere" I cant have another night like this, it's a nightmare, i hate her and i just want to be without her and be happy. As for the affection thing, it's hard to hold and be close to someone when the booze is seeping though the pores in thier skin and their breath smells like an old biker dude wearing assless leather chaps over his jeans and a leather vest with armpit hairs popping out and a full white beard thats been drinking stale budwiser all day and just burped in my face. Thats the feeling i get when i smell her breath when she's been drinking. She's so freaking good looking its such a shame god would curse such a beautiful creature with alcoholism and infidelity. Edited November 11, 2009 by dimeified
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