I sent him an email

[Butterfly1]

Against what my friends advised me not to do, I decided to send him an email. Recap to those that don't know - I had dated this guy very seriously for about 4 months. I knew he had just broken up with a girlfriend but said it had been over for awhile. He called me everyday, told me how happy I made him, that he really cared about me, how refreshing i was and how he loved being with me. We spent all our time with each other and I believed I have never fallen so hard for anyone. We had everything in common. I knew before i left he told me once he wasn't sure if he was ready for another serious relationship but we were going to take it day by day. Two weeks after I leave for school and come back, he tells me he is confused, how he could see us together long term and got scared and how is ex is calling him again and he remembers the feelings he had for her but did not want to get back together. After that weekend we break up (he leaves a message on my voice mail) and then stands me up another time when we suppose to have lunch a couple of weeks later. (he told me that he thought he would feel more comfortable, that he wasnt ready and didn't really have a good reason for acting that way) When I did see him for dinner two weeks ago he told me that he broke up with me becuase "he didn't feel it" and he thought something was there but it wasn't and how it was just passion and the excitement of dating someone new. I have dated enough that I just could not believe it because I know we had a stronger connection (or maybe I am just fooling myself) Here is the email I sent him today...now I am going to drop it and move on.

 

My question is - Does what I said make sense? Could that be a reason for why he has acted like this or am I just a fool who can't accept that he really doesn't "feel it" for me ?

-----Original Message-----

Subject:

 

 

Last night as I was studying late for my Final, I started thinking about the colposcopy test which led me to start thinking about how I got HPV which led me to think you about you and what’s happened. I know its all in the past now but that doesn’t stop me from sharing my opinion.

 

After everything that has happened, I just think that you sabotage your own relationships or at least this one. I honestly believe that any connection you did not feel is because you chose not to feel it anymore when it started to get more serious. I would like to believe that when you told me you really cared before we slept together (and I got the HPV) is because you had real feelings and not just because you were attracted to me or it was new. I thought we had spent a lot of time getting to know each other that it meant something and if you were a person who got caught up in the moment or it was just “passion”, and it was all “new”, you would have wanted to sleep with me sooner and not after 7 weeks of spending a lot of time with me and talking on the phone everyday. There was something there.

 

Why else would you have stood me up that one time because you felt uncomfortable or were not ready? If it wasn’t right, it would have been easier for you to see me then and even break up with me in person a few weeks earlier. I doubt I was the first person you ever got serious with fast and broke up with and I doubt I will be the last. Maybe you just like the excitement and the whole challenge and can’t really deal with the reality or the responsibility of another person depending on you. And, I feel like it would be easy for you to move on from me and disconnect from whatever was there if you just spent a time with someone else you cared for in your past.

 

Anyway, that’s all I have to say. Enough time has passed where I can honestly say that the feelings I had for you are not there anymore based off the person you have turned out to be. When we were in the cab a couple of weeks ago I actually wasn’t bitter or angry towards you or any guy and wasn't even thinking about what had happened btwn us (until of course you said you do not have feelings for me and were not able to develop strong feelings). But now after pondering everything, I don’t feel anger and I am not hurt, just disappointed for misjudging you.

 

I know its all in the past now and I am probably just rambling on about this as I am tired and I just wanted to offer you my perspective. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Anyway, let me know if you want to know or not the results of the test. That was actually the reason why I am wrote you before I went off on this tangent. Hopefully it will be nothing to be worried about. And I am done.

[midori]

Originally posted by Butterfly1

My question is - Does what I said make sense? Could that be a reason for why he has acted like this or am I just a fool who can't accept that he really doesn't "feel it" for me ?

 

I think you've failed to recognize that you are angry and hurt. You are asking him for answers. It comes through very strongly in the letter. You emphasize more than once that it was he who gave you HPV. You tell him that you're disappointed in him.

 

I completely understand where you are. Minus the HPV, and the recent ex girlfriend, I've been in your exact shoes, with an ex who broke up with me for no reason, avoided me, and eventually gave a cock-and-bull story about how we weren't right for each other and he didn't feel "strongly enough" for me.

 

You're making two mistakes: 1. thinking you can convince him to change his mind (and you are, it's very clear throughout your letter), and 2. thinking you can get any kind of meaningful answers from him.

 

Obviously he's scared. You're not insane, you didn't imagine all that passed between you. Perhaps you should have been a bit more cautious about how quickly things developed between the two of you (although good for you for not sleeping with him right away), but that kind of wisdom only comes with hindsight. You didn't do anything wrong. It's him.

 

And there's nothing you can do about it. The longer you stand there looking over your shoulder at his receding silhouette, the longer you'll let his cowardice and hang-ups affect you. I know it was a great relationship. I know you really connected. Despite that, it didn't work out. It wasn't your fault. There's nothing you can do to change it. You cannot solve his problems. You cannot show him that there's nothing to be afraid of. It is entirely out of your hands. In some ways it would be easier if he'd been hit by a bus and killed, because at least then you would recognize that there is nothing you can do to change the fact that you've lost someone you love.

 

Back to the letter: it's laced with guilt-inducing passages. No one likes to get something that makes them feel guilty, but especially not your ex. It's probably one of his biggest hang-ups. My prediction, therefore, is that you will hear very little or perhaps even nothing in response. Your ex hasn't been able to face up to you; what makes you think that this email you sent him will inspire him to engage in self-reflection and acknowledge the ways he has done you wrong?

 

Instead of wondering what he's thinking, what's going on with him, what was going on with him, focus on yourself instead. There just aren't going to be any satisfactory answers, believe me I know. I've been there. My relationship was much longer than yours, but I ended up in the same place, asking the same questions for a very long time.

 

You are a wonderful person. He really did love spending time with you. I promise you that. It was nothing in you that made him run. If you can wrap your head around that, that's the most you'll get in the way of an answer. I know you're going to be waiting on pins and needles for his reply. I very much fear you're not going to get one. If I'm wrong, I'll be very happy for you. But having walked the path you're currently on, my hopes are not high that you're going to be able to have the outcome you're hoping for.

[wecancope]

Butterfly1,

 

I really wish I could say something to help.

 

For some strange reason I got very emotional reading that email!

 

I think it was good of you to send it. He needs to feel guilty, even so you are not doing it intentionally. Right?

I really hope he does reply.

[Butterfly1]

I really appreciate your reply. I know I wasn't expecting him to read the email and have light bulbs going off in his about what he did but do hope that he was at least be able to think about it - maybe not now but maybe in the future one day if he looks back on our photos. I also wrote it because I did not want him to think that I was sad or depressed or still hurting. Yes, I am still sad but I wanted to let him know that it wasn't because I wasn't right for him.

 

He did reply back to my email a short one. He said he hoped I was well....That he would like to know the results and good luck on my finals. I wasn't expecting a "Oh yes you are right" but I thought he might just get defensive and say it really was me.

 

Anyway, I feel like now that I have said those words, I can close this chapter and move on knowing that I really tried and that I let him know what I was feelings. Perhaps things did get too serious to fast - but I tried to keep the intimacy at a slower pace as I was afraid of getting hurt again. He met my parents, we went away together, I thought it was perfect. Its just hard to think how I could get secure again with a relationship if one that I thought was soo strong could just fall apart overnight and be told that it was just passion and nothing more.

 

Thank you again.

[Butterfly1]

wecancope, thank you for your reply. No, my intention was not to make him feel guilty but really just to express myself for how I feel about what happenned and let him know that I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself becuase he "didn't feel it" and doesn't "know why" when I thought he had felt it all along from his actions.

 

I think his reply was the best I could really hope for. I don't think he is going to come back anytime soon but hopefully someday he can look back on this and realize that he really made a mistake. I just hope so.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Butterfly1 i think that your ex bf was totally on the rebound

 

i feel it was not right for him to lead you on into thinking that it was going to be a long term relationship

 

i am not going to go out and date a girl and lead her on just to alleviate my broken heart

 

you were right to tell him how you feel in your email even though you'll never get a specific answer

 

i don't feel though that you should send him any more emails with this kind of content as you have said your bit and there is now nothing you can do about it

 

as you well know your circumstances are similiar to mine and despite reading all the great advice from the people on this forum it still hurts so much

[Butterfly1]

But can he still be on the rebound when He broke up with her? He told me that it had been over for awhile...had been bad for a long time and that he wanted to move on. Yes, after he broke up with me he did spend time with her but quickly realized (or at least thats what he told me) that the problems were still there, and his feelings were not there. She still comes by and sort of now stalks him but he does not want to date her. (she lives two doors down from him -- was four doors down but she just moved closer)

 

DOes that still make me a rebound if he was the one who ended it?

 

No, I am not contacting him again. IF he had strong feelings for her, he should not have lied to me that first night telling me that it was over. Its out of my hands now and i am moving on.

[lost_in_chgo]

He may have really felt it was over and then later had second thoughts.

 

While maybe not on the rebound, he might have been feeling as if he made mistake, especially if she was pushing to reconcile. That doesn't mean that things will work out for them in the long run.

[Butterfly1]

I think he definatley had second thoughts when she started contacting him again after three months of no contact. I asked him if he missed her when we were dating or even thinking about her and he said he wasn't. But who knows. I do not think they will get back together but I know for a couple of weeks he thought about it.

 

I guess having second thoughts shows that he really wasn't over her. I really thought that he spent time with her after I left so he didn't have to deal with thinking about me.... We really were close and I thought it would be easy for him to disconnect from what we had by spending time with her. (and maybe he started dating me as a way to disconnect from whatever was still there with her)

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i agree with lost_in_chgo,

 

sounds like your ex had 2nd thoughts, i don't think things will work out for them at all

 

the last few posts have seemed to help you quite a bit Butterfly1

 

he maybe didn't lie to you intentionally and was trying to force himself to move on, trouble is he hurt you in the process and he shouldn't have allowed that to happen

[Butterfly1]

I guess if I have strong feelings for someone, I am not capable of developing feeligs (strong or otherwise) for someone else. I guess thats how we are different. I never thought she would be a threat again becuase he seemed to go out of his way to make me feel secure and tell me how great I made him feel. She, according to him, was this high maintenance, very needy, very demanding girlfriend where they were unhappy and fighting for a very long time - they dated for 1 1/2 years and were breaking up for more then 6 months of that time.

 

Also, when we were dating, he told me that they hadn't been intimate since February and I really took that as when they broke up - but it turns out that they only slept together once over that time period in Jan/Feb - during the breakups. She was super religious and wanted to wait til marriage. Of course I didnt find this out until afterwards as well.

[sarah12]

butterfly1 - you seem to be doing a lot better! I'm glad that you've decided to move on from this.

 

I don't know why people have second thoughts when it comes to breaking up. I mean, if there was enough reason to break up in the first place, and those reasons are still there, why do people think about going back? Although I guess in longer term relationships, there may be reason to re-think things. But your ex having dated that girl for 1.5 years, and being broken up for 6 months of it, I mean, that says enough in itself. There really has to come to a point where you've had enough of it, and it really is time to move on.

 

I hope that this guy comes to his senses one day and realizes what he's lost. I do believe he had true feelings for you. Guys don't usually just come out and say things that they don't mean, like how much they like you and care about you. However, some of them are good at hiding their feelings too, so he may have been hiding the fact that he had 2nd thoughts about the ex, but didn't want to tell you so that you'd be worried. ..just a possibility.

[Butterfly1]

After sending him that email about why I felt he ended things, I have felt a lot better. I feel like now I can move on without knowing that I said everything that I had wanted to. I don't know if my words my any difference today but I hope someday when he thinks back on me (and all the good times and no bad times) he will think about what I said. I know he had second thoughts about his ex and that should show me that he wasn't over her and I should have speculated that by how fast he dated me after her.

 

How are you doing Sarah12? Are you finished with finals? I finished last Thursday and came back to my parents house for the next three weeks. My town is 40 minutes away from the city I used to live in and where all my friends and ex live. But right now, I need to focus on finding a job for after school. Not planning on contacting my ex either regarding the test results, if he really wants to know, he can email me. Hope all is well.

[sarah12]

I finished finals last friday. They went well! I am glad that through all this I have been able to still study and keep my marks up.

 

I saw him on friday night and he said he wasn't sure if I wanted him to talk to me..and stuff like that..and that he got my e-mail and wants to reply, he just needs time. And then the strangest thing is that at the end of the conversation, he just said "have a good semester"..which I don't know why he said that if he said he 's going to e-mail me..I assume it could be because I didnt' want to say bye to him last time, he feels that he shouldn't this time..I don't know.

 

Anyhow, on saturday night I was out and ran into all his friends. He couldn't make it out that night (I heard he was drunk at home), but when I got home that night, he had sms-ed me asking where I was going to be that night. I replied in the morning but I think he had already left for vacation.

 

I thikn I am doing okay these days..I' haven't completely let go of it all, and I am still confused about things, but I think I've accepted being confused and never knowing the answers..well until he sends the e-mail I guess. I am worried about that too..since I am doing alright, I don't know if I want to read his e-mail..I'm afraid it might make me sad all over again.

[Butterfly1]

At least you were able to see him. Even from your email this guy sounds VERY confused about things. I think everything you told him in the email was true and he probably knows it - but what would be a good reply back to that. Yes, you are right or No, I don't think so. Saying you are right would be for him to admit that he has problems/issues and although I think he already knows that, its another thing to come right out and admit it. Based off everything you said and his behavior towards you that night and the sms message, it looks like he still has feelings for you. I honestly believe that he ended things because of issues leftover from his ex - he probably wasn't IN love with her but I am sure he probably still had to love her (like how you love a friend or a relative) and felt tremendous guilt. I think the semester away will be good for him and you never know what will happen down the road. He hasn't said or done anything to you to imply that his feelings were not there for you - I think it all really has to do with things/people totally unrelated to you.

 

I would not read too deep into his comment on having a good semester. He was probably saying that to a lot of people that night and it just came out to you. Does not mean he is not going to write you an email. His intention to write you is there and I would leave it at that. Like I said before, soem guys just need a lot of time on their own thinking about things and figuring them out. They are not like women who communicate with each other and help each other out when they are facing/dealing with problems.

 

Congrats again on finishing your finals and keeping your marks up. My marks were only okay but its b-school and I just don't care anymore!

 

 

And I completley agree with you about people breaking up after a long period of time. If the break up happenns fast or is out of the blue, then maybe it was just a major escalation and things can be worked out....but when there are apparrent problems for 6 + months that seem to be getting worse, HOW is that going to change in a few months. I told my ex the first night I came back to see him that people tend to forget the bad and remember the good and then get back their ex, only to remember why they broke up in the first place....but I guess everyone needs to learn this on their own.

[sarah12]

Do you think that guys ever fully get over their ex's? I mean, do guys compare ex's with current girlfriends? especially their first love's??

 

For me, once a relationship is over, it's over. Well, it might take some time, but I have not thought about going back to any of my ex's, nor are they on my mind at all really. I may think about them once in a while, but only to wonder where they may be and what they are doing, as I would with any old friend I guess.

 

It looks like both our guys need to do some learning..I wonder when it is that guys learn how to deal with their feelings and to communicate them!!!

[Butterfly1]

I think it all depends on the relationship and the guy. I think that for any long term relationship, the guy will probably think about his ex for some time. I think it probably also makes a difference if he was the one to break up with her or if she broke up with him. I have realized that guys take breakups (when they were the ones that were broken up with) A LOT harder then girls do. Some will put up walls and have a hard time letting someone else in. I know one guy that still thinks about his ex that he broke up with four years ago!! (he found out that she was cheating on him).

 

For the most part, when a relationship ends, I move on and don't think about getting back together with the guy -- with the exception of my two year relationship which took some time before i got to that point.

 

Do I think that your ex or my ex could one day look back and realize they made a mistake? Most definately. In most relationships, when they fall apart, there are reasons - people not being right for each other, not compatible, not a good connection. BUt I think most definately the guy in your case DIDN't have a reason - it was just bad timing. I believed that was the case too with my ex of course until he told me he wasn't capable of developing strong feelings for me and didn't know why (which was just mean)

 

If it was timing, then I do think he can come back again. I have friends that have heard from exes they hadnt spoken to for some time. It does happen...But like i said in the beginning I think it depends on the relationship and the guy.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i don't know but maybe we guys do take it harder but i know some girls that have got dumped and have taken years to get over it

 

as the comedian Richard Prior said " if a man is heartbroken a 747 could hit him on the head and he wouldn't even notice whereas a woman gets a new dress and moves on "

 

a girl broke up with me just before christmas 1999, i put the barrier up and it took me until July this year to have a relationship again and then she ended it before christmas too so as Arabess was saying in another thread i associate christmas with complete misery

 

i still think about the girl back in 1999 but not in a romantic sense, just hoping she is happy and is OK

[Butterfly1]

You are right. It probably depends on the girl as well.

[sarah12]

butterfly1 - I have just been told by a friend that some guys can actually convince themselves of their feelings. i.e. if a guy wants to like a girl, he can convince himself that he likes her. If he wants to get over a girl, he can convince himself to get over her..but in the end..the truth comes out. It is the most ridiculous thing I have heard..but seeing how some guys do not even know what their feelings are, I would say that this could be true?

 

What do you think of that? anyone else?? guys??

[Butterfly1]

I think so. I think that if a guy gets either scared or in a difficult position, he can convince himself or herself the other person is wrong for them. They can harp on the littlest details or littlest problems because they dont want to face or deal with the reality of the situation.

 

I mean think about a job you wanted but did not get or a school you wanted to go to but didn't get into you. After the rejection comes out, you think of all the reasons why the place was bad for you or what was wrong with it as a way to try to convince yourself that you are better off. I think it can be the same in relationships. Whether you were the person who did the breaking up or you were broken up with you, you can convince yourself the other person was Mr. Right or Mr Wrong. I think a lot of the people who do the breaking up, will then try to convince themselves they did the right thing by focusing on the little things or comparing that person to some unrealistic standard. Better to convince themselves they gave up someone that wasn't right for them to think that they messed something good up....but I do think your friend is right...that eventually the truth will come out and as time goes on, both parties get perspective on what really went on and what happenned.