JaggedRoad Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm going to pay a visit to my ex some time next month for 1 or 2 days. It's not the best idea in the world, but I want to be sure that I did everything that I could before the new year arrives. The break-up was delivered via email and everything after was communicated through online messengers. I want to accept that she made the best decision for the both of us even if she didn't want to fix things. I said my goodbyes, but it doesn't feel... real. This is a bad idea and I know it, but I need to do this. And Soul Bear, if you're reading this and disagree with me, then you are free to kick my ass once I arrive at the airport in Scotland so I won't be able to go through with this:p
McGrupp Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 good luck. tough to represent indifference when your flying across oceans
onewillburn Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I seriously advise against this, man. That stuff is for the birds and only works in movies. The week before my ex dumped me, I walked to her house to see her because I thought she would appreciate the effort. I was totally wrong and she seemed severely disappointed to see me. Don't make her feel bad by having to shut you down after you've flown to see her. I mean, I'm sure you know all this. You're one of the most sensible posters on this site, but I would seriously reconsider this idea.
northstar1 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 what do hope to accomplish with this visit, other than turning back the pain clock to day 1? what does she want to accomplish with your visit?
weltrav Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Yeah dude I wouldn't do it. I know you think that you must for closure or to rescue the relationship, but believe me it will only be awkward/painful/horrible. A month and a half ago, after my ex made some mixed signals about wanting to be back together (while also then saying she didn't via phone/text) I drove several hours to visit a friend near my ex so planned it that I'd stop by on my way home to see her 'one last time.' When I finally saw her for the first time in like 4 months, she didn't seem excited at all, more like 'okay let's get this over with.' She told me to my face that she didn't have feelings for me anymore, and to make things worse one of her roommate's friends was staying on the couch, so my ex had me sleep in her bed with her! Talk about a sleepless night! I know you are thinking that if only you two are in the same room, maybe that spark will magically come back. That maybe she'll look you in the eyes and realize she made a mistake. You're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt.
angelface78 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 JaggedRoad, Does she know you are coming or are you just going to show up unexpected??? I dont think its a good idea if its unannounced. What if shes not home? What if a guy is over there? What if shes angry?? Please think about all these posibilities. You dont need to hurt yourself anymore. What are the odds that this will come out good? Best case scenario she will be nice and cordial. Do you think she will get back together with you?? Worst case scenario....well i dont even want to think about what can happen. We all care about you here on LS and we only want the best for you. Please reconsider.
Thebob Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm going to pay a visit to my ex some time next month for 1 or 2 days. It's not the best idea in the world, but I want to be sure that I did everything that I could before the new year arrives. The break-up was delivered via email and everything after was communicated through online messengers. I want to accept that she made the best decision for the both of us even if she didn't want to fix things. I said my goodbyes, but it doesn't feel... real. This is a bad idea and I know it, but I need to do this. And Soul Bear, if you're reading this and disagree with me, then you are free to kick my ass once I arrive at the airport in Scotland so I won't be able to go through with this:p I thought you were doin good with nC! stay that way man! wtf?????????? You in my bet and you are goin to stay with that bet!!!! Thebob
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I'm sorry, but I find the inclination to call me sensible a little humorous. I guess that my posts convey a more relaxed individual at times, but I am(or was) anything but. If you had witnessed my actions or behavior, you would have thought to yourself, "wow, that guy is f'ing crazy." Some would brush it off as a common reaction to a break-up, but I think we all know better. We can all blame the chemicals, but we know better. I knew better, but I still allowed myself to lose control. Ok, that was kind of... unnecessary. Do you see what kind of person my ex had to deal with? But yeah, this is a bad idea. My friends would definitely kill me if I made them aware of this. I guess I'm being a little impatient. I just want to be done with all the mess of 2009 and let 2010 be a completely new year. I was in a very good mood when I started the topic, so I guess I might have ignored the obvious negative effects. I'm currently under the impression that I just want to fly over to have a proper goodbye and I'm not looking for anything else. Well, maybe a hug would be nice. I was hoping that she would feel indifferent by December, but I suppose it may be too soon for her as well.
McGrupp Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 idk man. i did the forced meetup for closure thing. probably what put the nail in my coffin. it was awkward and i got emo. i wouldnt recomend it. the high i had before and after was good, and then came the crashing low. plus do you think you are going to get laid?
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 EDIT: I forgot to refresh the page and didn't notice the new posts. Thank you all for your concern. No, she does not know about this, and it has been nearly a month since I re-initiated NC. When I made the original post, my intention was to visit her while having no desire to get back together. The visit is just for a proper goodbye--or so I made myself believe. I kept telling myself, "It's ok, I don't have to be the one to make her happy. It's ok if she finds someone else. She was never mine to begin with." But there is a small--very small--glimmer of hope. I suppose you guys want me to hold this off until there is no glint of hope left or forget this idea altogether. And McGrupp: I wouldn't mind goodbye sex, but no, this was not for sex x_x
northstar1 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 EDIT: I forgot to refresh the page and didn't notice the new posts. Thank you all for your concern. No, she does not know about this, and it has been nearly a month since I re-initiated NC. When I made the original post, my intention was to visit her while having no desire to get back together. The visit is just for a proper goodbye--or so I made myself believe. I kept telling myself, "It's ok, I don't have to be the one to make her happy. It's ok if she finds someone else. She was never mine to begin with." But there is a small--very small--glimmer of hope. I suppose you guys want me to hold this off until there is no glint of hope left or forget this idea altogether. And McGrupp: I wouldn't mind goodbye sex, but no, this was not for sex x_x I can tell you what happened when I saw my ex a few months after we had broken up. After weeks of anticipation and thinking that once she saw me that the old feelings would return etc, we met up for drinks. I couldn't sleep for days before it, spending hours imagining every single scenerio. I was convinced I had to give it one last shot, that I didn't have my goodbye. That I needed this. I was wrong. When I saw her, physically she was the same as the girl I'd been in love with. But she was a different person that day we met. The change was minor, but perceptible. The change was that she'd moved on. And once they have, you can see it in in their eyes. And it's a feeling that stayed with me for months. And that meeting left me a shell for many more months, despite us having a nice time together. I couldn't reconcile the girl I'd met up with as 'friends' to the same girl I been in a relationship with in my head, and it was self torture I wish I had avoided by sticking to NC instead of trying to revive something that was over. Something to think about.
McGrupp Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 When I saw her, physically she was the same as the girl I'd been in love with. But she was a different person that day we met. The change was minor, but perceptible. The change was that she'd moved on. this^........
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I can tell you what happened when I saw my ex a few months after we had broken up. After weeks of anticipation and thinking that once she saw me that the old feelings would return etc, we met up for drinks. I couldn't sleep for days before it, spending hours imagining every single scenerio. I was convinced I had to give it one last shot, that I didn't have my goodbye. That I needed this. I was wrong. When I saw her, physically she was the same as the girl I'd been in love with. But she was a different person that day we met. The change was minor, but perceptible. The change was that she'd moved on. And once they have, you can see it in in their eyes. And it's a feeling that stayed with me for months. And that meeting left me a shell for many more months, despite us having a nice time together. I couldn't reconcile the girl I'd met up with as 'friends' to the same girl I been in a relationship with in my head, and it was self torture I wish I had avoided by sticking to NC instead of trying to revive something that was over. Something to think about. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'll take heed this time around instead of telling myself that my situation is different. Thank you, everyone, for your advising against this decision.
onewillburn Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm sorry, but I find the inclination to call me sensible a little humorous. I guess that my posts convey a more relaxed individual at times, but I am(or was) anything but. If you had witnessed my actions or behavior, you would have thought to yourself, "wow, that guy is f'ing crazy." Some would brush it off as a common reaction to a break-up, but I think we all know better. We can all blame the chemicals, but we know better. I knew better, but I still allowed myself to lose control. Well, you present yourself as a reasonable guy online. You come off as fairly mature for the most part. But the online persona is only a fraction of a person and I'm sure a lot of reality gets filtered out. I'm glad you came to your senses, though. And northstar pretty much nailed the whole running into somebody who's moved on thing. Terrible feeling.
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Oh, I just meant the way I've been since the break-up. I just can't shake what became of me when the relationship ended. I usually am a reasonable guy in real life, but I'm quite silly around those close to me.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Whether you go or don't go I hope you obtain the closure you need and are able to move on in peace and comfort towards a healthy new year/new life!
BCCA Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Let me echo nortstar's statements, and add that I had a very similar encounter with my ex. The look on their face when they know you love them and they dont feel the same way anymore...nothing even needs to be said, and youll just know it and feel like complete crap. You'll leave feeling angry and stupid, at least I did. I was so mad at myself for allowing her to hurt me one last time. I agree, it stung for a few months like he said. Once they dont feel the same way about you anymore...you dont WANT to see them. You cant handle what they have to say, what theyve been up to. ALL they can do is make you feel worse. Closure comes from within, dont talk yourself into believing otherwise.
McGrupp Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 yeah. my ex said she had dinner at our same place with a 40 year old dude the night b4. we're 24. how do you think that felt?
Lamak Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Don't do it man. I agree with everyone who's had an experience similar to the one you're about to embark on. When I saw my ex for the first time after the break, she acted friendly and such, but things were different. It's hard to explain, but you just know things are different. Just being in the presence of someone you love who doesn't feel the same anymore is worst than the feelings of grief you're going through now. That event confused me and delayed my healing process to a large degree. Don't waste time looking for closure, because closure comes from within. Just let it die.
Lish Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 She dumped you via email and now you're going to go visit her to see if she made the right decision? ..where do you want me to start?
Odyssey Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 JaggedEdge, you're gonna fly all the way to the UK for what? a glimmer of hope? I think she was pretty damn certain when she broke up with you. She wasn't confused, in fact she'd been feeling that way for awhile. I realise, it's hard, especially with it being long distance, but i think the risks are too great. I suggest you, go back and re-read some of your posts.
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I feel really bad about the way I reacted to the break-up, so I constantly have these thoughts of reconciliation. This is just one of them. She did seem certain with the break-up until 2 weeks into the break-up. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing, but it seemed like she was having second thoughts. I won't ever know for sure because she never bothered to continue that conversation. But even if she did have second thoughts and we got back together, it'll just fall apart again sometime in the future. This is something that she mentioned after the break-up as well. That's something that I've come to accept and that's the one thing that's stopping me from trying to break NC. Sorry for the rambling...
onewillburn Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Additionally, you never want to approach her because you THINK she is having second thoughts. If her doubts are of any worth, she'll come back to you.
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I hope she never does for the sake of us both. She told me that although it was comforting with me around, the discomfort was greater because of the distance and time apart. I no longer possess the strength to be in her presence after knowing that being with her brought her so much discomfort. Maybe long into the future, but certainly not now. She told me one night that she was crying herself to sleep ever since I returned to New York from our summer together. I couldn't do anything about it. That powerlessness feels horrible. Maybe we are better apart--at least for now.
Odyssey Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Long distance is very tough, unless there is some definite plan to move closer together. I gotta applaud you both for keeping the relationship for this long. I guess in the end you were stronger than her.
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