rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 My boyfriend broke up with me on October 1st. I was totally blindsided. About 2 weeks before that was my birthday and he got me the most amazing gift and wrote the most heartfelt card saying how there weren't words to express how happy he was I entered his life and that he was looking forward to spending many more occasions with me. We had the perfect relationship and never fought. He told me he wanted more kids (I don't because I have lupus), he told me he doesn't see a future with me because I have debt from my divorce and he told me he thought that I am not serious about my sobriety (we are both alcoholics). He said it wasn't meant to be but he still loved me. I left his apartment after acting like a fool (begging him for another chance, saying I would do anything to keep him). When I got home he had already defriended me on Facebook even after he still had other ex-girlfriends as friends. He page is not private and he posted an update telling the whole world how he "broke up with his girlfriend because it wasn't meant to be." About a week later he emailed me saying that he really missed me. I didn't respond to it. Later that day he texted me saying he was sorry that he emailed that it wasn't fair to me. I didn't respond to that either. The next night he texted me saying how he was a mess without me, then called (I answered of course) and begged for me back. He begged for me to come over, I didn't because I was afraid he was just lonely. I told him that he had better think it through and that I hoped he wasn't messing with my head. (I think he was drinking). I also asked him in the conversation why he took me off of Facebook and he said he couldn't bear to see my face everyday and to see comments that other men made. Anyway, the next day he said he regretted everything he said and that he couldn't do it. I have not talked to him since. I remained on his contact list for IM for 3 weeks (we used to chat everyday while we were at work). About a week ago he removed me from his contact list. This stung a great deal. I don't know if he couldn't bear to see me everyday logging in and out or if he has erased me from his memory and his life for good. I was doing so good with NC up until he took me off of IM, now I am completely consumed by thoughts of him again. I don't know why I am torturing myself with the answer when there is no answer. I miss him terribly and I just want to move on but the pain is so great. I don't know how I am getting through this without drinking besides going to AA meetings, but I am secretly also wishing I would run into him at a meeting as well. How do I move on? How do I stop torturing myself with these thoughts? I have come so close to contacting him but luckily I haven't. I want to ask him why he removed me from IM, I want to say all of these things I left unsaid, I want to comment on the lovely day...UGH!!!
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Sorry, but this guy sounds like a big jerk. Either you love someone or you don't. You can't just love them until you decide it's "not gonna work" due to their financial history. That's one of the most childish and stupid reasons I've ever heard for breaking up with someone. Facebook, in my opinion, is nothing but trouble. It causes the most fights and puts nothing but strain on a relationship. Want to keep in touch with your friends? Call them. See them. Even email them. But putting yourself up on Facebook is like inviting the world to know all of your business on a daily basis... and then crying about it later on, when people know stuff they shouldn't. If he broke up with you maturely, he wouldn't have to run to his Facebook account and tell the world about it. "Oh, it wasn't meant to be!" What a drama king. It's like he's trying for an academy award. That type of Shakespearean bull**** shouldn't fly with anyone, and if I were you I would've laughed my ass off when I saw it, instead of being sad. His cat and mouse attitude toward you shows me this guy is way too immature to be involved in a serious relationship. He's grasping for all kinds of excuses like alcohol and debt as a way to call things off, and then thinks he can just jump back into the relationship whenever he feels lonely. One of the biggest things I advocate: UNPLUGGING after a break up. Throw your cellphone over your shoulder to stop the text-messages, and pull the plug on your computer to stop all the emailing, IMing, and Facebook nonsense. Don't answer the phone when you see his number, either. If your friends want to reach you, they know how to find you. I don't say this often, but you're WAY better off without this guy. If you're looking for a serious relationship, this isn't it.
Author rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Sorry, but this guy sounds like a big jerk. Either you love someone or you don't. You can't just love them until you decide it's "not gonna work" due to their financial history. That's one of the most childish and stupid reasons I've ever heard for breaking up with someone. This is exactly what keeps running through my head. If he loved me as much as he said he did nothing would stand in his way of being with me. He would support me through all of my issues and troubles and help me through them. Thank you I really needed someone else to confirm this because I was driving myself crazy. We alcoholics tend to sit on the pity pot and look for attention wherever we can get it. By posting that update on Facebook he was looking for attention and for everyone to feel sorry for him that he had to break up with his girlfriend. I want to add that we meton a dating site and he was back on that dating site 3 days after breaking up with me. He even posted a photo I took of him one day that we were taking pictures of each other together. He posted in his profile "I want a girl who sees the good in people without being blind to their selfish intentions." Was he referring to me being blind to his selfish intentions? Sorry if that means I trusted him and all that he said to me during our relationship. You are right, he is a big jerk. Your post will definitely help me move on. Thank you.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 We alcoholics tend to sit on the pity pot and look for attention wherever we can get it. By posting that update on Facebook he was looking for attention and for everyone to feel sorry for him that he had to break up with his girlfriend. BINGO. Not about alcoholics tending to pity themselves (although that may be true I guess), but about your ex looking for attention. Someone like this will always be starving for more attention... even when he's in another relationship, he'll be looking outside of the romance for as much attention as possible. The less you give him, the better off you'll be. I want to add that we meton a dating site and he was back on that dating site 3 days after breaking up with me. Be happy you got rid of this guy before things got more serious. He sounds like a real winner. You sound like you have your head screwed on straight, and are thinking positive. Keep an open mind, and remember that there are some good guys out there. You may have to kiss a few frogs first, but eventually it'll be worth it.
paperchase Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 ....I left his apartment after acting like a fool (begging him for another chance, saying I would do anything to keep him)....then he called (I answered of course) and begged for me back....I told him that he had better think it through and that I hoped he wasn't messing with my head. (I think he was drinking). I also asked him in the conversation why he took me off of Facebook...I have not talked to him since. Ok, these are the mistakes you made. You begged which is desperate and unattractive. You went NC but then you answered his call which validated his need to know you still cared. He begged for you back and you gave him even more validation by shifting the decision-making authority to him when you said: "think it through." You basically said, I'm here waiting if you really want me back. Then you compounded matters by further showing you cared when you asked about Facebook. You simply stroked his ego and gave him the security he needed to forge on without you. He's messing with your head and you are letting him.
Author rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 You are all right. I deserve better. I have a lot to give a relationship, romantic or otherwise and I refuse to be walked upon. These are things I needed to hear. I am going to move on and demand nothing less than being treated with respect in my next relationship. Unfortunately it has left me with trust issues especially after my divorce and my husband leaving me for a woman 10 years younger than me. I think I need to keep my guard up at first and not let someone in so easily. All I want is a trusting, unconditional, best-friend and lover. Maybe I am seeking that too desperately.
RedDevil66 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 My BF is in recovery in AA and myself in Al Anon. As you know, addicts are volatile people. Is he in AA?
2sunny Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 he told me he thought that I am not serious about my sobriety (we are both alcoholics). He said it wasn't meant to be but he still loved me. take this time to work on a healthier sobriety for YOU. you will never regret it and it will help to choose a man in the future that is equally as healthy.
RedDevil66 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 take this time to work on a healthier sobriety for YOU. you will never regret it and it will help to choose a man in the future that is equally as healthy. Ditto but a lot easier said than done when the relationship is an addiction. If you can leave, then do it, if you can't and you will keep going back and forth, get help with AA or one on one therapy
Author rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Geez, this story gets more crazy as I tell more...when he broke up with me he told me he had been lying to me the whole time that he really only had 53 days sober when I thought he was sober since before we met. I had my suspicions because the night he met my parents at a wedding I smelled it on his breath. And there were a couple of times he called out of work for like three days in a row saying he was sick. He had some nerve to accuse me of not being serious about my sobriety when I had 10 months and he was lying about his sobriety to me for months! What kind of serious relationship could we have had if he didn't feel like he could come to me. Of all people I understand! I have relapsed many times. He goes to AA but only twice a week and he doesn't have a sponsor. I go almost every day and have a sponsor. The more I write about this messed up situation the more I realize that I couldn't have trusted him anyway and that I am lucky to be out of it so early before we got married or something. We did talk about marriage too. Anyway, he has issues to deal with and he probably won't be happy in a relationship until he works them out with himself. I am just getting my life back in order after going through the hell that is active alcoholism. I am active in AA and hang with positive people who get me. I am going to keep focusing on myself and try to make myself a better person for me and my loved ones. It still hurts though, but I'd be crazy to take him back if he ever asked me.
2sunny Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 have you done your step work? if so, where are you on that? meetings and a sponsor are a great start, the step work will help you to become the BEST YOU - you can possibly be! it's exciting and i encourage you to continue your growth along the way. keep up the good path you're on, it only gets better! not dating him is actually a favor to you - now you will have the time and energy for your recovery without the distraction of his chaos.
RedDevil66 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 have you done your step work? if so, where are you on that? meetings and a sponsor are a great start, the step work will help you to become the BEST YOU - you can possibly be! it's exciting and i encourage you to continue your growth along the way. keep up the good path you're on, it only gets better! not dating him is actually a favor to you - now you will have the time and energy for your recovery without the distraction of his chaos. ditto x 100000
Author rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Yes I am working on Step 4 with my sponsor. AA is the best thing that has happened to me in my life and the steps I truly believe are good for life steps whether you suffer from an addiction or not.
RedDevil66 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 You know what I think, he knows you're getting well/help and b/c he's still using and you're changing, he's worried once you are healthier, you'll see how flawed he is and leave him anyway. So he left you first! Typical mind of an addict. This is why he needed to take you off FB. You know addict act so you react. He may change once he sees you change.
2sunny Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 get step 4 over and done with asap... the sooner you get in and out of that will make life better and more simple for you. it allows you to gain clarity and to make mental room for good, positive thoughts. the positive energy that will come after the 5th will be a welcome relief! make it past 4 and 5 as quickly as possible while relying soley on your HP for daily guidance. chop chop! he he really, great job and all positive energy going your way for a daily reprieve. much love to you!
AliveAndKicking Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm not gonna beat on ya as you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself (don't we all?). I'm really proud of you for staying sober through the breakup- that means you REALLY want it! (sobriety) Good job. Easy does it and take it one day at a time. I'll do my best to keep it short: He's a flake. A very harmful flake. As you know addicts/alcoholics (I typically say "addict" as that covers any substance or addiction because, as you know, it's not about the substance- it's about the person) are flaky due to the nature of the beast. Your ex is beyond flaky. He's flaky cranked up to 11. Spare yourself the effort in trying to sort him out. Get your butt to a meeting daily and if you have a sponsor stay close. If you don't have sponsor GET ONE. Same sex of course. It might help to apply the steps to the relationship. It has made your life unmanageable. You know the rest... I'm sorry you are in such pain right now. He really did a number on you due to his cowardice and selfishness. Please KNOW that while you are imperfect, as we all are,the problem here is NOT you. Whatever mindf%&*s he laid on you are pure BS. My ex worked on me like that, perhaps much worse, for a couple years. Some people are masters at subtly working on you until your confidence is shot to hell and you question everything you previous knew. I SO feel for you. Please don't go to meetings hoping to see him- go to meetings to recover. Maybe go to different meetings than him-you know: different times, different town, etc. You might also consider catching an NA meting instead- the message is the same, the steps and traditions are the same, and it is totally okay- you're a member when you say you are. Food for thought. I wish you the best and I'm glad to see you've got some great support here in this thread. Well so much for my being brief, huh. Work it! You're doing GREAT! You'll get through this because you WANT to. I can tell :-)
Author rickigal Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 You all have no idea how much your posts have helped me. I barely thought about him at all the past two days and that was because of the support and words said in this forum. What I knew logically before is now confirmed. I will take this time without a SO in my life to work on myself, to become a better person so that I will find a man that is worth it in the future. Thank you all!
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