So I miss my ex boyfriend

[aerogurl87]

So here's the short of the story. Before my ex and I decided to start dating (well before he started hounding me to be his girlfriend, which was a BIG mistake) we were best friends. It was weird because he just got me. I didn't have to explain how I felt or why I felt that way because he just understood me and I understood him. I could be completely open with him about anything going on in my life, it was great. Then we started dating and it all went downhill. Especially considering I was against us dating from the get go. Sure, I fell in love with him kind of, but it was always more of the way I love my best friend and would do anything for her, rather than a romantic love.

 

So here we are almost 4 months later after our final break up, and I find myself still missing him. I mean I don't want to get back together with him or even have sex with him, I just miss having him as my best friend. I miss being able to talk to him about anything and having him there to listen to me. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I can talk to my boyfriend sure, but it's not on that same level as it was with my ex. I even tried to end things amicably with my ex so we could still be friends (something I never ever do with any guy I date usually) and it still didn't work because according to him either we're together or nothing since apparently "just friends" doesn't work for him although it worked great for me. So what do I do? I'm trying to forget him but every once and awhile he'll pop up into my head and I'll think to myself how nice it would be to have him around to hang out with or laugh about something. Like I said, I don't want him back romantically, I just want my friend back.

[TaraMaiden]

If you broke up with him, then the pain is greater for him than you.

you need to leave him alone and let him heal his heart and get his life back on track.

You contact him only when he's ready and gives you that signal.

Not before.

 

What if it never happens?

 

That's something you'll have to suck up, I'm afraid.

 

Being contacted by the person who dumped you, hurts.

It's breadcrumbs.

It's having your chain yanked.

It's building hope, only to see it dashed.

 

I'm sure that's not your intention, but that's how it feels.

 

Back off, and give him space, time and opportunity.

[aerogurl87]

TaraMaiden, the odd thing is he left me for someone else and then she left him like two weeks after he left me. We even talked after that, he texted me and called me a few times to tell me how his life was going, told me about his new job and this girl he was now seeing. Everything was fine and it looked like we were getting back on track to where we should've never left, just being friends. Then he asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him about my now boyfriend who I was seeing at the time and he kind of flipped out of nowhere. First he stopped texting me (although when we first broke up, he got angry because I wouldn't text him back... umm ok weird). Then when he did text me back he got all snappy and said he didn't want to talk to me. So a few days later he called me and was like "I wish we would've never broken up, but we can't change what happened" or something like that (he was drunk at the time). Then he started to tell me about everything that was wrong in his life and basically just fell apart on the phone and I listened to him like the good friend I am and he thanked me for that and we were good for another two days before he snapped at me again. So like I said, I don't want to date him anymore because as I'm sure you can gather he was and is a complete emotional wreck, but I do miss being friends with him still (dumb I know, but I can't help it he got me for some reason). His sister even wants/wanted us to stay friends because even she said I was like his best friend and she could see how easy he could open up to me and a friend like me was rare to find. So all I want is my friend back, no sex, no "love", no relationship, just my old best friend. Although I'm starting to think I may never get that, and I guess I will have to live with that.

 

P.S. Sorry for the long post.

[TaraMaiden]

I think talking to you messes with his head.

Which is his problem, not yours, and to that extent, it's self-inflicted pain, because he doesn't know what the hell he wants.

 

But unfortunately, the 'cure' is the same.

Leave him be, and maintain your distance.

if he calls, you have to explain to him - quickly but firmly - that you would love to stay friends, but it's messing both of you up too much, and you really both need your spaces to move on. So no more contact, ok?

 

Stay level headed - and the only way to do that, is to stay away.

 

I hope you manage to get through this.

[aerogurl87]

I think talking to you messes with his head.

Which is his problem, not yours, and to that extent, it's self-inflicted pain, because he doesn't know what the hell he wants.

 

But unfortunately, the 'cure' is the same.

Leave him be, and maintain your distance.

if he calls, you have to explain to him - quickly but firmly - that you would love to stay friends, but it's messing both of you up too much, and you really both need your spaces to move on. So no more contact, ok?

 

Stay level headed - and the only way to do that, is to stay away.

 

I hope you manage to get through this.

 

Thanks for the advice. I think you may be right but I need to just tell myself that it's never going to work and keep out of his life. So far we've been NC for about two months, but he does pop up in my head from time to time, which is odd because I've never met anyone like him that became so ingrained into my head and heart like this (not even my best friend of 7 years). But I will continue to stay away and if he does call or text me, then I'll just have to tell him that we can't talk because what we want is incompatible and I know he can't be just friends with me. So thanks.

[boogieboy]

He'll stop popping in your head after a few more months, and you do need to leave him alone. You cant have him as a best friend just for your selfish reasons. What you need to do is try to make a better connection with your current bf. Nothing worse than a woman who can go to her own bf as a friend and confidant. You should be trying to talk to him about anything. If he doesnt want it, then get another bf. But leave your ex alone for his sake. he cant handle it.

[aerogurl87]

He'll stop popping in your head after a few more months, and you do need to leave him alone. You cant have him as a best friend just for your selfish reasons. What you need to do is try to make a better connection with your current bf. Nothing worse than a woman who can go to her own bf as a friend and confidant. You should be trying to talk to him about anything. If he doesnt want it, then get another bf. But leave your ex alone for his sake. he cant handle it.

 

boogieboy I'm trying to make that connection with him and I do feel comfortable talking to him about anything that may be bothering me in my life, but at the same time I still miss having my ex as my best friend. I don't make really good friends that easily since I don't always open up to people that easily, but we just got each other. And yes I guess it is somewhat selfish that I still want him to be my best friend, but at the same time I helped him alot and I was the only person he really opened up to, so I don't think it's completely selfish. But maybe I'm just making excuses, I don't know. And I know in time he'll disappear for good, but I still miss talking to him. I'd miss talking to any of my really close friends if we just stopped talking to each other one day because friendship means a lot to me.

[BCCA]

I think its perfectly normal to miss the connection you had with someone. Even when you break up for legitimate reasons, you can still love a lot of things about that person. The truth of the matter, though, is that a friendship isnt going to work. Once you go down the path to a relationship, its almost the point of no return.

 

And yes I guess it is somewhat selfish that I still want him to be my best friend, but at the same time I helped him alot and I was the only person he really opened up to, so I don't think it's completely selfish.

 

I know you dont want to hear this, but it is selfish. Its not a situation thats going to work for him, or be healthy. He needs to move on with his life, and unfortunately, he is going to need you to stay away so he can do that. I think its great that you have a new bf, and you two are quite happy, but that doesnt mean that hes totally over your relationship and can be your buddy again.

 

And I know in time he'll disappear for good, but I still miss talking to him

 

I think we all kind of hate coming to that realization, but it is the truth.

 

He'll pop into your head less and less as time goes by, and in about 6 months, you'll be ok with everything. I know it sucks, but its just the way these things go. Its just best to go your seperate ways, and leave the other person be.

[The Collector]

He was never content with just being friends. All that listening and great company was offered when he wanted to be in a relationship with you. Maybe when he has truly moved on from feeling that way about you he will be happy being a friend - but you may never regain what you had.

[boldjack]

AG, you should know by now, that this will never work, believe me, I've been there. He sees you as a romantic interest, you see him as a friend. You MIGHT have been able to maintain the friendship, if you had never slept with him , but now that he has been with you , he will want nothing less. I was in love with a woman, who understood me as well as anybody, but she was interested only in friendship. To make a long story short, we ended up having a torrid, sexual relationship, for about 6 months. Because we were originally friends, we missed the emotional freedom we had with each other.. After we broke up she would be constantly trying to re-connect on a friendship basis, but every time this happened, we would end up in bed. It was driving us both crazy. What save us, as friends was when I met another woman, and developed feelings for her. It was only then I was able to let my romantic ideas for my friend go. Mt advice is to let him go, have NC, and wait untill he has found another lover, then you might be able to rebuild the friendship.

[aerogurl87]

Boldjack, BCCA, and The Collector I think you are all right. The thing is though, the first time we talked again after we broke up, he told me he was falling in love with the girl he had left me for and I wished him the best. But then it seemed like everytime I mentioned that I was moving on, he got angry. So I'm starting to think that all that was just a facade, who knows, maybe I'll never know. Anyway, we've been NC for like two months now as I said, but he does just cross my mind sometimes and I think fondly back to when we were just friends. But I'll have to leave him in the past though I guess, which is a shame because we had a great friendship. Oh well...

[BCCA]

My ex and I have been split up over a year, and she crosses my mind from time to time, and sometimes I wonder if it would be possible to be friends.

 

The I remember how badly the break hurt me, and wonder what we would even talk about. The only thing I can think of to say would be like 'WTF?' but thats not going to help anyone. Even if we both wanted to be friends, it just wouldnt work, the dynamic is off. Im not going to just forget about that whole 'dumping me' thing, and Im sure she would just love to pretend it didnt happen (especially not in the way I remember it).

 

So, at the end of the day, while I dont have any ill will toward her (and I assume vice versa) a friendship wouldnt really do much for me, and as such, I am not interested in even giving it a try.