Cranialrupture Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It is taking everything I have not to punch out the monitor and everything else around me right now. I just want to explode so ****ing bad. I am so hurt and angry. After I had made so much progress forward I just got sent backwards about 5 weeks to the beginning. I just went tried to pick up my three kids. The two older ones came just fine (12 and 8) the youngest (6) was hell bent on not wanting to go. I have gone through this with the kids before and the youngest complains and sometimes throws a little fit but is better and happy not long after we get home. They all love me and give me huge hugs and kisses all the time and tell me how much they love me etc. This problem swings both ways. Sometimes the kids dont want to go home to her. But more often its not wanting to leave her and her friend that she is living with. I have talked with the stbxw about it (which she brought up) already. She had said that she doesn't want to make the kids go somewhere they dont want because she says that I(speaking of me) dont know what its like to have to go with a person when you dont want to go with that person'. Now her childhood was a rough one. Her mother went through 5 divorces. My parents almost got a divorce a couple times but managed to work it out. My dad died about three years ago and my mother tells me that the best decision she ever made was working things out with my dad. So the stbxw is right, I dont know what its like. But I also know that, "they sometimes dont want to go", is not because they dont like me but because its funner over at the other house. The kids share a room together and have new beds and a tv and game system in their room, a dvd player, they have a dog, etc. Which here they have their own rooms with no tv's and no game systems and no dog, etc, but I still show my love for my kids and take care of them. The friend that the ex is staying with for some damn reason is trying to fill my place. The ex does not see that, obviously. I brought my concern up with her last night and she completely defended her friend, which I knew she would but I still needed to voice my concern. The friend also keeps randomly giving the kids gifts like sweatshirts and toys etc. which is nice and all but its making it so the kids want to stay there and not come with their dad. I discussed the issue with the stbxw about how the kids are going to go through phases and what not and i am working on trying to make this as easy on the kids as possible. So to prevent an arguement or fight I left with the two older kids and went home. I don't know if this was the right decision or not. I dont know what to do about it. I am just so extremely pissed off right now because she is getting what she wants, which I feel is turning the kids against me without actually talking bad about me. Or its what the friend wants. I dunno what to do, I just want to take care of the kids as best as possible and as much as possible, but this crap really irritates the hell out of me. Then she sends me a text after I left about how bad she feels, that she feels horrible. I wanted to reply 'good, you should' but I didnt respond, but I just need advice on what to do before I do something stupid. like go around and punch all the damn windows out or something.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 CR - Please don't destroy anything - It will make you feel like sh*t later. Do you have a temper? Maybe the kids realize this? Anyway - I think the STBX may be playing mind games with the kids. If once they get to your place they are cool and happy and loving then it seems like there is some reason they had trepidation when the time leave comes up. Are the kids super spoiled? (Not trying to put them down ok? Just trying to figure this out in MY head!) If they are maybe they think they will miss these extracurricular things (video games, TVs, ...) - and then when they get home they realize they don't need them. I hope other LS folks can give you better advice than this - You have a sticky situation. Sounds like you are trying to do the right thing here.
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I dont really have a temper and in no way would I show it to the kids. I am keeping a happy face when around them, and that might be why this is so hard because I need an outlet, I feel like a pressurized bottle ready to pop. I have accepted the fact of the wife leaving and have been dealing with the pain of that, but add the pain of your kids not wanting to go with you because of some outside person that shouldn't be involved and thats where I think alot of my anger is coming from. Its like a wound in wound. I am just trying to be the best dad I can for my kids and it seems like its harder than it should have to be. One problem that I will admit to is the fact that during our marriage I was co-dependant. I realied on her for alot. I mean I did alot. I was the bread winner, I fixed the house and the cars and took care of the yard and all the 'manly' stuff. I never learned how to do the laundry or cooking (beyond macaroni and cheese) or shopping or sewing, etc and now I am thrown into doing all that, plus all the stuff I used to do for three kids. I will admit that it is very overwhelming. I am trying to do it all because I love my kids and want to raise them right. I dont want them to see their dad as a failure. Im not, I just am feeling very overwhelmed and over burdened and things like this come as hard blow. And I dont have many outlets.
Auroracoladybug Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 CR...I think you are a great father for accepting your wife leaving but making that effort to be there for the kids and do right by them...you are definitely not a failure...Don't take it so personal when they don't want to go...make your plans and do activities and when they miss out they will seek you out next time. My husband was the cook most the time but I did all the other odds and ends mostly...I am overwhelmed too...he even told me that (4 packs of diapers) was the best he could do because of how much debt he has racked up. I still want to reconcile and am trying to be understanding as much as possible. He thinks he is putting our son first and yet he is getting everything he "needs"...sorry to vent
TaraMaiden Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 CR, excuse me, where is it written that you have to be a hero to all? The more you try to appear perfect in the eyes of your kids, the more disappointed they will be when you slip up in their eyes. And you will slip up. Because you're human. Not superman. I'm not suggesting you spill your guts to them, but you should be able to talk to them about how difficult it is to only see them occasionally, and how hard you're trying to make sure they stay happy, even though you and their mom aren't together any more. No parent should be - or try to be - a hero to their children. The fall off the pedestal is long and the bump is hard. Treat them like people. Talk to them. Tell them you suck at doing cooking and housework and stuff, but it's a good thing you're learning to be independent because they're good skills to have. Jeesh, add these skills to the 'guystuff' you know how to do, and you're a regular all-round new age independent guy! They will respect you more if you give them a doorway to you, as opposed to trying to look like the tough, Mr dependable big guy all the time. The kids don't want to come to you, then don't want to go home, because they'd actually like to all be in one place, together, with you, them and their mom. Well, it's not going to happen. Be honest with them, but don't diss their mother. Ever. Just explain that grown-ups sometimes don't do clever stuff, and they mess up. It's life, but life goes on, you just have to have a change of plan, that's all. be a dad, not a tough, hold-it-all-together guy. Don't give them a big sob-story, or cry on their shoulder.... But if you show them some honest vulnerability, they'll be far better off in the long run. You all will.
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Your right, I am maybe putting to much pressure on myself to be perfect or be the hero. I guess I just need to be the best me I can be and be there for the kids. Its just frustrating at times.
Gunny376 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 This is nothing more than parental alienation, and the STBXW should be encouraging the children (all of them) to go spend their "daddy" time ~ not being passive about it. The two of you should sit down and the best possible way explain to them that there's "Daddy Time" and Mommy's Time. The two oldest understand this already because they understand the concept of "time" while the six year old does not? He/she will in time make the adjustment. Don't take it personal, its just his age, the lack of the wife's support (forget her childhood experiences ~ too bad, too sad ~ that has nothing to do with your time with your children. If she's got a problem with it? That's what is! Her problem ~ not yours. You need to be persistent and consistent in your time with the children. This is a temporary thing which the DS/DD6 will soon grow out of. Oh you may have to go through a spell of hissy-fits, and 'guilt-tripping' from the wife. But its her guilt trip ~ yours. Daughters need to know that they are loved by their fathers, and son's need to know that their fathers are (shsssssshh ~ loved) proud of them.
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