Weezy Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Brief story: 3 year on and off relationship. She had been hinting and getting married, her friends full on asking when I was gonna pop the question up until 3 weeks before the break. I just made jokes about it, never really took it seriously. We had a big fight about a month before we broke up, I told her she was acting like a bitc* (she was) and she slapped me as hard as she could. I threaten to break it off but end up not after the slap. After that I started to pull away a bit, she starts moving closer then she started to pull away and was spending more time going out and hanging out with her guy friends for the last couple of weeks. I step it up, we have a super fun weekend vacation together and hang out almost every day the last week. The last 3 days before break she starts getting mad that I've been treating her so nice and asks why it took 3 years? Breaks it off, says she should be #1 in my life, I should be her family, I didn't make her #1 and that she hates golf cause I spend to much time at it and that she can't waste anymore time in this relationship. She cooked me dinner the night of the breakup. NC for like 7 weeks since the break... Still thinking about calling her up and saying I'm ready for marriage. Am I just in the bargaining stage or is there a chance?
quarterlifecrisis Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'd say yes to both questions. You are in the bargaining stage, but if you mean it and will marry her if she gives you a chance, then there is also hope. Also, if she hasn't found a replacement, there is more hope. My advice (take it with a grain of salt since I'm not expert), is to make sure you really know what you want. Don't go in there wishy washy or she will absolutely sense it as desperation. If you are 100% committed to making it work, then screw what everyone tells you and go for it. What is there to lose? 7 weeks of healing with NC right? You can resume it if she rejects you. When you approach her, you have to be calm and in control. You have to be the attractive male and not a pansy. You have to convince her you are a changed man, not through just words, but also actions. It'll be an uphill battle for sure, and you may end up hurt and alone and back at square one. Are you willing to risk all that? If not, give up now. If you are, then strategize, get your ego and balls in check, and go for it. Man, I remember when I first came here you told me NC was the only way to go. I'm glad you did because I was an absolute mess. I have heard from her since one time...she reached out and we had a very lame casual conversation in which I acted cool and unaffected. She hasn't contacted again since...I think I may have been too cold. I almost wish that I tried to rekindle at that point instead. I'm in the same boat as you sorta...I'd do anything to get her back but she has another man now and I know there's no way to get her to come back unless she wants to herself. I also don't know if I can get over the fact that she's been with someone else even if she did come back. FML. So freaking miserable, but still a few levels higher than before.
Ronni_W Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Am I just in the bargaining stage or is there a chance? Yes, there is a chance for your relationship/marriage to work out...if: 1. She is learning anger management / how to control her temper. 2. You are satisfied that there will be no more slapping involving the two of you...or any future kids. 3. You understand exactly what she means by she "should be" #1 in your life...AND you agree with her beliefs-definitions...AND you are prepared to give up all your own beliefs, needs, feelings, goals, desires, passions, likes and interests that interfere with her being the #1 thing in your life 24/7/365. 4. You are prepared to basically give up golf...playing and watching it on TV; and also to give up anything else that she "hates" or will grow to hate. 5. You really do want to be, and won't ever complain about being, controlled and pussy-whipped. Skilled and effective bargaining involves the good faith efforts of all concerned parties, in pursuit of win-win compromises and solutions. Your post does not suggest that. It's more coming across as you getting ready to totally, 100% abandon your Self. Which is fine, if that's what you decide to do. I would just encourage to you make double-damn sure that it really is what you want to do. (If you were my brother, though, I'd say to him, "Run! Run as if this girl is actually trying to kill you.")
Author Weezy Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I'd say yes to both questions. You are in the bargaining stage, but if you mean it and will marry her if she gives you a chance, then there is also hope. Also, if she hasn't found a replacement, there is more hope. My advice (take it with a grain of salt since I'm not expert), is to make sure you really know what you want. Don't go in there wishy washy or she will absolutely sense it as desperation. If you are 100% committed to making it work, then screw what everyone tells you and go for it. What is there to lose? 7 weeks of healing with NC right? You can resume it if she rejects you. When you approach her, you have to be calm and in control. You have to be the attractive male and not a pansy. You have to convince her you are a changed man, not through just words, but also actions. It'll be an uphill battle for sure, and you may end up hurt and alone and back at square one. Are you willing to risk all that? If not, give up now. If you are, then strategize, get your ego and balls in check, and go for it. Man, I remember when I first came here you told me NC was the only way to go. I'm glad you did because I was an absolute mess. I have heard from her since one time...she reached out and we had a very lame casual conversation in which I acted cool and unaffected. She hasn't contacted again since...I think I may have been too cold. I almost wish that I tried to rekindle at that point instead. I'm in the same boat as you sorta...I'd do anything to get her back but she has another man now and I know there's no way to get her to come back unless she wants to herself. I also don't know if I can get over the fact that she's been with someone else even if she did come back. FML. So freaking miserable, but still a few levels higher than before. I still haven't broken it myself. I've done no research into if she has another guy, and I don't wanna know. I still am a firm believer in NC for almost all breakup issues, especially if during the breakup you said you'd change, your sorry, and blah blah. The only reason I'm even debating this is that in my research on the internet I've found that lots of chicks want to have kids by 30 and that if after 2-3 years there bf shows no sign of upping his commitment, they will leave the relationship to find someone who will commit. I think this is a much different case than most breakups, but I am in this position myself and the way she ended it and the points she made during the break make me think perhaps there is a shot.... Anyway, I'm sorry if me advising NC is making you regret stuff. It still is the only method I've ever used that has gotten my ex's back, and my friends have had success with it as well.
Author Weezy Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Yes, there is a chance for your relationship/marriage to work out...if: 1. She is learning anger management / how to control her temper. 2. You are satisfied that there will be no more slapping involving the two of you...or any future kids. Seriously, how messed up is full on slapping a guy across the face as hard as you can? Took every last ounce of will power I had to not hit her back. And that is just scary. You bring up some great points Ronni, thanks for the input.
name witheld Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Seriously, how messed up is full on slapping a guy across the face as hard as you can? Took every last ounce of will power I had to not hit her back. And that is just scary. You bring up some great points Ronni, thanks for the input. Should have just hit her back and when she turned away grab her and bend her over the table and OWN that ****!!! Hows that for dominance? She would come running back lol....
Author Weezy Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Should have just hit her back and when she turned away grab her and bend her over the table and OWN that ****!!! Hows that for dominance? She would come running back lol.... We were on a golf Course other wise I would have.
Drrelationship Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Hi Weezy, In all honesty this sounds like the situation I was in about 7 years ago. I had a good looking, smart, but not very logical girlfriend. In fact, her logic was way out in left field. I am a straight shooter, and I like to be able to explain peoples actions and alot of the time I couldn't explain hers. In my opinion I would break it off. There are a lot of reasons for this but when you said this: "she starts getting mad that I've been treating her so nice and asks why it took 3 years?" That's when you know you need to leave. You see, you were trying to HELP the relationship by being a better guy. You "stepped it up". And what does she do in return, she complains about the past. People who complain about their past ruin their futures. Think about it. All the opportunities they have will be in the future, but if they keep looking behind them their gonna stumble over their own opportunities. I don't like dealing with these people and I rid them out of my social network fast. I mean, cant you be more positive? Your putting in all this work to show off that you CARE about her and all she has to say is "what about the past". I know the past is a hard thing to let go of, especially 3 years of past. But you can, and you'll be thankful you did. Getting out now will be much easier than getting out when your married and have kids. Don't marry someone who doesn't respect who you are and what you enjoy to do. Marry someone who lets you breathe, respects your extra efforts, and lets you be who you are. Best of luck to you.
Author Weezy Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Thanks for the great reply. In all honesty this sounds like the situation I was in about 7 years ago. I had a good looking, smart, but not very logical girlfriend. In fact, her logic was way out in left field. I am a straight shooter, and I like to be able to explain peoples actions and alot of the time I couldn't explain hers. Yep, this sounds a lot like my GF, and I am a very strait shooter. In my opinion I would break it off. There are a lot of reasons for this but when you said this: "she starts getting mad that I've been treating her so nice and asks why it took 3 years?" That's when you know you need to leave. You see, you were trying to HELP the relationship by being a better guy. You "stepped it up". And what does she do in return, she complains about the past. Not to defend her actions, but I really feel the reason she said this was because she had decided weeks before hand that she would end the relationship shortly after our planned vacation. Although I didn't see it coming, I did "feel" it coming, and now that I look back, and read other peoples posts about how women detach, I'm convinced that I started to treat her better as a result of me feeling her pull away, and it through her for a loop because she had already decided that it was time to look for a new relationship that was moving in the direction she wanted. Marriage, Kids, spending every night together. Things I didn't even notice until it was over that I should have picked up on like giving me stuff back, asking for things I had of hers back a couple of weeks before our awesome vacation, not talking about the future. I know the past is a hard thing to let go of, especially 3 years of past. But you can, and you'll be thankful you did. How long did it take you to let go? It's almost been 2 months now since we said our goodbyes, NC on either side. I've always questioned her logic and her anger, but she loved me to death and did anything I asked. Still hard to let go.
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