ladydesigner Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It would be nice to know everyone that has gone NC and how long it has been? Whether you broke NC? How NC has helped you? And anything else in regards to NC that could help a lot of us LS's who are either already in NC or wanting to do so. I have been NC for 2 months. It has helped me regain my self worth, self-esteem and integrity. I do not have hope in my past AP nor would I ever want to get back into a situation with my XAP. NC has helped me get to this way of thinking (I wasn't always like this if you read some of my past posts). I no longer obsess about my XAP (once in a while a small thought creeps in, but I do not spend longer than 5 seconds thinking about him). I would love to hear how some of the rest of you are doing and how you stay strong in NC when you feel weak. Congratulations to all those who have decided to go NC to help regain their life again. Best of luck to all those wanting to go NC, just know you can do it if you REALLY WANT TO.
Meranna Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It's been almost 2 months for me. I've broken it a couple of times and I still have hope, part of me wishes I didn't. I went NC with him when I found out he had asked for a divorce but his wife wanted to try counseling first. I know that if they can work things out and BE HAPPY together then I can deal with that and move on..........it's the not knowing how it's going to turn out that's killing me. However, I will not enter back into an affair with him, the affair IS OVER!!! That part is very freeing, as much as I miss him. =) I'm still a bit in limbo, but I'm many steps closer to no longer being that way. I think I'm subconsciously dealing emotionally a little at a time. NC first, then missing him, then letting myself remember the good times and bad, and next will be moving on completely. If he stays with her and works things out then I'll deal with our relationship being over for good. I'm not emotionally ready for that and I don't want to go through that pain unless I have to. One day at a time and every day I'm stronger and regaining who I used to be!
Confused4Now Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 For me it was about 3 months back in May of this year. Never broke it till she called me and told me she was ready. Well that was dumb of me and I'm at very limited contact. I wouldn't allow myself to get back to all that drama..... All I remember was the first month was so HARD...it was like trying to get off a drug.
lovekillsslowly Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Wow. How did you all make it a month without NC. I can't even make it two weeks. In the past two weeks I have broke down and called him 3 times. The first two times he answered. Today he didn't. Which is for the best I'm sure. The mornings are so hard for me because he use to call me every morning, every day, for the whole 10 months we were together. And he would call several times during the day also. Once I can get thru the morning and afternoon arrives it becomes easier. But the mornings get to me and that is when I find myself becoming weak and failing at NC every time!!! From what I have read on here it appears that 99% of the time the xMM eventually breaks contact and calls or e-mails. My fear is that I will be the 1% that doesn't happen for. That he will just go on his merry way and forget about me, wish he had never met me and never contact me again. I am having such a hard time getting over him and to think that there is a possibility that he will just go on with his life and get over me so easily causes me a lot of panic and anxiety and that is what leads to me calling him. I can't handle the thought that he can go on with his life without me being a part of it. The reality of that happening really hurts me inside. Please give me some tips on how you all got to where you are at with your NC time frame. Thanks! Edited November 5, 2009 by lovekillsslowly
NowhereToHide Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Wow. How did you all make it a month without NC. I can't even make it two weeks. In the past two weeks I have broke down and called him 3 times. The first two times he answered. Today he didn't. Which is for the best I'm sure. The mornings are so hard for me because he use to call me every morning, every day, for the whole 10 months we were together. And he would call several times during the day also. Once I can get thru the morning and afternoon arrives it becomes easier. But the mornings get to me and that is when I find myself becoming weak and failing at NC every time!!! From what I have read on here it appears that 99% of the time the xMM eventually breaks contact and calls or e-mails. My fear is that I will be the 1% that doesn't happen for. That he will just go on his merry way and forget about me, wish he had never met me and never contact me again. I am having such a hard time getting over him and to think that there is a possibility that he will just go on with his life and get over me so easily causes me a lot of panic and anxiety and that is what leads to me calling him. I can't handle the thought that he can go on with his life without me being a part of it. The reality of that happening really hurts me inside. Please give me some tips on how you all got to where you are at with your NC time frame. Thanks! Let's see. For me that would be ONE DAY. I sent him an email yesterday, although if I'm honest with myself, it wasn't the "definitive" NC email I should have sent. But I know him pretty well and I am pretty sure he got the clue. He has never tried NC. He has always wanted to have me in his life as a friend. That was too painful for me, yet I've been unable to say goodbye completely. I know I need it. I need to have some time behind me without him always in my head. I can't wait to have a day where I go to sleep realizing that I didn't think about him at all.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Best of luck to all those wanting to go NC, just know you can do it if you REALLY WANT TO. And don't even try it if you are not absolutely sure you REALLY WANT TO. You need to be prepared to lose the MM forever. Don't do it as a means of hoping to get him to choose you. It takes much stronger motivation than that to be able to sustain NC. We went NC because my MM wanted to work on his marriage - for a minimum of 3 months. We lasted less than a week. I hated every minute of it. It was hell on earth. I lost my appetite and my thirst. I had nightmares. I was totally depressed. I broke NC within 24 hours, but my MM was determined to continue. I had to respect his wish. It was not my choice, it was his choice from beginning to end. He lasted 6 days before he broke NC. He told me he had been in as much pain as I, that he finally felt he could breathe again. What we learnt is: 1) it is impossible to work on your marriage unless the affair is completely over, both physically and emotionally 2) that our bond to each other was much stronger than we understood. We are not likely to try NC light heartedly again. If we ever do it again, it will be because one of us has decided to definitely and forever end the relationship.
Devil Inside Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It was 14 weeks on Tuesday. It has been very interesting. I have not broken it. She has not broken it. So I think that makes it easier...I don't have to fight not answering calls, or not reading emails, I just have to keep myself at bay...which has become easier. What I have noticed, however, is that it is a process. It gets better, then worse, then better, then weird. I am kind of in an angry stage right now. Which is so different for me. It is not based in anything rational. Someone here told me I would go through that stage...so I take it as progress.
Morelikeher Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It has been about 13 weeks for me. I sometimes worry that NC is making me worse. Sometimes I think it's cause I am single and do not have someone else to focus on. Although, right now I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else - I hope that I get past that at some point. I keep passing up dates because I feel like I need to be okay with myself before I start all over again. Ugh. I am still broken hearted. It really sucks to go from every day contact, to nothing. I am still on a rollercoaster ride in some ways - my emotions range from anger, sadness, confusion... Not to t/j, but DI - I am curious - you said you are currently angry. Are you angry at the OW? The A? I would think my xMM is probably going through a lot of different emotions also - your story is always interesting to me because our break ups were around the same time.
Alpha Female Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 2 days and counting! Some moments I feel like Ill never love again. Then the next I think tomorrow I could meet someone wonderful and single! I think I am over the rage, and now into the blues. But Im staying strong by knowing in my heart I cant go back with someone like this, into this kind of a situation.
Heather1 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 5 weeks, until my birthday the other day. It was REALLY hard, but I swear I didn't know what else to do. We'd had great sex, and then a week later he wanted to go back to friends & I just couldn't do it. I initiated NC. We've both done it, back & forth, and it's usually me who blows it. I was prepared, when I did it, to never hear from him again. I removed myself from anywhere he would be, and if I ran into any of his friends or employee's, I was very nice & happy & never brought him up. The power of saying "I won't contact you" made me honor it. I didn't want to seem like I didn't keep my word. Now I don't know what's going to happen. You won't be the 1%. You do have to have a plan if he contacts you though, depending on what you really want. You won't get what you want if you contact him, it's just how it is. Flipping out when he contacts you probably isn't a good idea either. I swear, we spend about 2 months in total ecstasy, and the rest is trying to "win" or something. I just want to do the best thing for both of our families. I don't want to hurt anyone, even him. Continuing will really hurt a lot of people.
MaureyL Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 My AP left London with his girlfriend on July 29th, 2008 (not that I remember the date or the time or anything... oh, well, if you're curious, he left at 11:30 am on that day. Sad, isn't it?) That was the last time I saw him. However, modern technology being what it is, we stayed in touch pretty much constantly through texts, emails, phone calls, etc. This went on for another six months, easily-- probably longer. I got fed up. He said his feelings had changed. The minute he said that, I swore I would never contact him again. But I did. Or should I say, I responded back to his texts and phone conversations. Slowly, slowly, I weaned myself off getting back to him. Finally, a month was going by in between texts. Our last conversation was in July. We spoke for thirty minutes (he called me, not that I'm keeping track of anything of course...) and the was the last time I heard from him. It is definitely the way to go.. when he got back in touch with me, I would literally feel sick. My favorite situation was last Christmas. He texted me SIX times on Christmas Eve and then sent me a text to let me know that he was in Sydney Australia with his long term girlfriend. Happy New Year! I agree, what I don't know won't hurt me. Much much better that way. x
MaureyL Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Why do people do that? Hard to say... he is very young. Immature. And confused. And very attached to me, as I was (and still am on many levels) to him. I think his girlfriend may work at a hotel on the island where they live so my guess is that she was working on Christmas Eve and he was very lonely. Oh well.... xx
Montclair0011 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 It's been about 12 weeks since last email and about 16 weeks since last contact (3+months NC before). This could be the end. I will not contact him again but I have not yet deleted his phone number (with his picture) from my cell phone or blocked his email. I still google him. I still miss him. I still wish we were together but as time goes on I feel little strands of release. It's sad. I am seeing someone new, but I don't know how that will work out. Having remaining feelings definately interferes, but I doubt I'd be head over heals with guy anyway (we get on each other's nerves). He is growing on me slowly though, so who knows.
MaureyL Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I am in exactly the same position as you-- I have been seeing someone since March. Funny... he came into my life literally a week or two after the "my feelings have changed, sorry for you" text. I think it was meant to be and the universe was trying to give me a big heads up! Anyway, we've been seeing one another and like you, I didn't feel "head over heels" or anything. In fact, I still had really strong feelings for the AP. My therapist said that this was completely natural and that actually, he would be very worried if I had just completely replaced, lock stock and barrel with new man. No "real" relationship is going to have the sparkle and the danger of an affair, or in my case, an affair with a built in sell-by date. They are two very different things. My relationship is growing on me too, slowly and steadily. But even now, after all this time I am still googling, searching, looking at the girlfriend's facebook profile (just the picture, she has it restricted only to friends). Gradually it is getting better. I'm sure it will for you too! One thing that has been very positive about this new relationship is how loving this man is. He has two children and plenty of financial worries but he listens well and is very supportive and understanding. My AP and I got on very well but he was a bit lost when it came to dealing with any of the heavier emotional demands of the situation. But then again, what could he do? He was going to leave and that was it! xMaurey
Montclair0011 Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Yeah, I've filed it under "You can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need." I think dating someone new (even if you are still attached emotionally) is a helpful way to get over someone even if only providing someone to do things with. It cuts down on the lonliness and makes you feel less powerless. When I broke NC and saw the MM last summer I was at least 25% less pathetic because I was able to let him know that I was seeing someone new (I did not rub it in, but I was able to put a bit of boundary in place--no sex as you are married and I have a boyfriend--that made me feel stronger, less like a victum). After he left, I felt some closure, but boy do I miss him. Don't know if I'll ever meet anyone who I connect that way agian. Yet, objectively, as you also noticed, the guy I'm seeing now has some better qualities than the MM. These are major issues. So maybe it is for the best.
Devil Inside Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Not to t/j, but DI - I am curious - you said you are currently angry. Are you angry at the OW? The A? I would think my xMM is probably going through a lot of different emotions also - your story is always interesting to me because our break ups were around the same time. I am just angry. I have, upon reflection, and with the help of people here on LS come to realize that I am angry at many people...my xOW for not staying with me, my mother for abandoning me, my father for being so mean and critical, my wife for cheating, and mostly myself...for being a coward and making decisions based on fear.
Author ladydesigner Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I am just angry. I have, upon reflection, and with the help of people here on LS come to realize that I am angry at many people...my xOW for not staying with me, my mother for abandoning me, my father for being so mean and critical, my wife for cheating, and mostly myself...for being a coward and making decisions based on fear. I am right there with you DI. You are not alone, I am angry for every reason you stated above. What is most bizarre about my thinking is with the NC I recently established, over 2 months now (yay), has got me thinking angrily as to why my XOM hasn't tried to contact me...duh isn't that the point? I swear I must be crazy Thanks to everyone who has participated on this thread good luck to everyone in or planning on going NC. It isn't easy that's for sure. I have good days and bad days. Lately I have been feeling weak about the no contact, but I know if I do it would only stroke his ego, not mine.
Confused4Now Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 ANGER IS GOOD!!! Helps with the grieving process. I'm pretty angry myself right now too!!!!
MaureyL Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I am just angry. I have, upon reflection, and with the help of people here on LS come to realize that I am angry at many people...my xOW for not staying with me, my mother for abandoning me, my father for being so mean and critical, my wife for cheating, and mostly myself...for being a coward and making decisions based on fear. EH?? Your wife cheated? Sorry if this was in an earlier post but I missed this. Before, after or during your relationship with xOW??
MaureyL Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I am right there with you DI. You are not alone, I am angry for every reason you stated above. What is most bizarre about my thinking is with the NC I recently established, over 2 months now (yay), has got me thinking angrily as to why my XOM hasn't tried to contact me...duh isn't that the point? I swear I must be crazy Thanks to everyone who has participated on this thread good luck to everyone in or planning on going NC. It isn't easy that's for sure. I have good days and bad days. Lately I have been feeling weak about the no contact, but I know if I do it would only stroke his ego, not mine. How right you are... it will stroke his ego. And you won't hear what you want to hear, no matter how desperate you are to hear it. The thrill of contact is never equal to the pain and gut wrenching realisation that they still don't want you, they're still with their partner, blah blah blah..... I have been NC since end of July. I too went through weak moments, and have microseconds of wanting to pretty much every day. But it won't be that way forever, of that I am sure! Maurey xx
Devil Inside Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 EH?? Your wife cheated? Sorry if this was in an earlier post but I missed this. Before, after or during your relationship with xOW?? Yeah...I talked about this mostly on the infidelity boards. So I am a hybrid poster WS/BS. Fun huh. She cheated before my A. I thought it was one or two EAs online. Turned out to be a one time PA and several EAs.
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