Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I don't know what kind of advice I am seeking... maybe I have already made my decision but I just want to say/type it out loud. I don't know. Maybe I am trying to figure out why I want to leave a good man. Maybe I have been completely blinded by him for the past 5 years, I chose to forget all the bad times and focus on the good, when I know some of the bad, I should never have put up with. Maybe I am trying to figure out why suddenly I have absolutely zero self esteem. I have no idea... but thank you for listening to me anyway.
Island Girl Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together. Sweetie - he is your best friend. And you are his best friend. That is what has happened. You don't see him as an attractive man in the physical sense but you love him. It is a friendship you can trust in and cherish. But you aren't IN LOVE with this man. You are in a very tough situation and not one person in it is in the wrong in any way. Neither of you are doing intentional harm to the other or the relationship. Putting myself in your shoes, if I was just coming to this realization in my relationship I'd be wrestling in a lot of directions with what to do let alone HOW to do it. Maybe the others have some advice. I am trying to wrap my head around it. As of yet I'm understanding the advice of ending it but I also feel that pain of having to hurt your best friend in the world and at the same time losing that friend.
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I don't know what kind of advice I am seeking... maybe I have already made my decision but I just want to say/type it out loud. I don't know. Maybe I am trying to figure out why I want to leave a good man. Maybe I have been completely blinded by him for the past 5 years, I chose to forget all the bad times and focus on the good, when I know some of the bad, I should never have put up with. Maybe I am trying to figure out why suddenly I have absolutely zero self esteem. The bottom line is that you're not attracted to him any longer. It's time to move on with your life.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I know, Johnny. I am REALLY struggling to come to terms with it because I would do anything for it NOT to be that way, but I do know. As of yet I'm understanding the advice of ending it but I also feel that pain of having to hurt your best friend in the world and at the same time losing that friend. Hi Islandgirl, thanks for replying. I am so glad you understand. This is what is so hard for me. He IS my best friend. The one person I can truly trust and go to when things are bad. Losing that would be like losing a piece of myself, but staying knowing I am not entirely satisfied is even more painful. I am so confused. Some (not in here) say "good men are hard to come by - stick with him", some say "never settle for anything less than everything". Leave, and risk never being loved like this again, or stay, and live a life of hidden pain?
kimflute26 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I think Johnny is pretty on the money here.... This thread has kinda morphed into a bizarre revealing of (important) facts that weren't present in your original post... and this isn't as difficult as you may think! Trust me, this is one of those situations where you need to try and look at the bigger picture. I know you've been with him for 5 years... and in that time you've developed a bond with him (naturally) and you do care for him a lot! But lets look at the facts: - You are not attracted to him. It doesn't look like he's going to put in any effort to lose weight, and unfortunately you cant lengthen his penis. - One of your reasons for staying with him is because you are fearing that he'll make your life MISERABLE after the break up. As for that second one, why wouldnt you just move out immediately after? What you need to do is get serious about what you want. From your posts it looks like you are just delaying the inevitable and you really WANT to break up with him. Your options are: Break up with him and finally get started on finding a guy you ARE in love with and attracted to, or you can continue staying with this current guy who you don't want to have sex with ever again..... Seriously girl... just do it and stop convincing yourself that you'll never find anyone better... because you WILL even if you dont believe that right now.
Knittress Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 If it's any consolation I know how you're feeling. My ex and I lived together, and while I loved him I began to become dissatisfied with our relationship, and yeah, like you - bedroom issues. And yeah, like you, I tried to figure out a way to overcome my feelings because he was/is an astonishingly intelligent/loving/usful-around-the-house kinda guy. But you know what happened? Things dragged along, with us not communicating (ok, mostly him), until I returned from a trip visiting an old friend and then the effer up and dumped ME. And then he turned into a petty little @ssface and hasn't spoken to me since (over a year later). And yet... I still miss him terribly. It sucks, sucks, sucks. You're right to be scared. I went slightly crazy and almost got kicked out of grad school. Everything about this sort of situation hurts. But you HAVE to addresss this. It won't go away. With my guy, things built up under the radar until one day he snapped. Yes, maybe you're dissatisfied with your own life (I know I was), but also consider the possibility that no matter how you love this person you might want different things or be going in different directions, and this is the way your subconscious is communicating that to you. Perhaps the most loving and respectful thing to do would be to break it off, but either way, you NEED to have one of those scary-serious "where is this relationship heading" types of talks with him. It honestly took me over a year to begin to approach pre-breakup functionality, and learning to be happy (single) without the emotional support you're accustomed to is awfully hard - but it's a good lesson to learn while you're young because you never know what curveballs life'll throw at you later. I'm still working on it myself, but I've slowly gone from 'coping' with singlehood to something near contentment. IMO it's the sort of skill that makes you a stronger person, and ultimately a better partner down the road. Heh. Thanks for letting me talk my issues out with you. ;>)
Island Girl Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 - One of your reasons for staying with him is because you are fearing that he'll make your life MISERABLE after the break up. Not just the break up - but the thought of being hurt -- him being hurt - and the destruction of that part of the relationship - and then thinking of a strong possibility that this may end the friendship and you lose your best friend forever. It isn't JUST the break up although that'd be excruciatingly painful.
Island Girl Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 It won't go away. With my guy, things built up under the radar until one day he snapped. Yes, maybe you're dissatisfied with your own life (I know I was), but also consider the possibility that no matter how you love this person you might want different things or be going in different directions, and this is the way your subconscious is communicating that to you. Perhaps the most loving and respectful thing to do would be to break it off, but either way, you NEED to have one of those scary-serious "where is this relationship heading" types of talks with him. This is true. He KNOWS something isn't "perfect" -- and he is probably really trying even harder to BE perfect to fix it. So both of you are paying for this even with nothing said. Before the whole "snapping" thing happens talk to him. Don't let it get to the point where either of you snap.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks again for your input, everyone. I appreciate it more than you know. One of your reasons for staying with him is because you are fearing that he'll make your life MISERABLE after the break up. True. As I mentioned, I went through a terrible break up once before and I never want to feel that way again. My ex (who I thought I knew) turned into a complete monster and made my life hell for a year afterwards. I was close to death, no kidding. Just the thought of being in that place again makes me shiver. Seriously girl... just do it and stop convincing yourself that you'll never find anyone better... because you WILL even if you dont believe that right now. It's not even about better though - he IS the best (as far as personality goes). It's just... I want that connection again with someone, you know? He and I used to have this unspoken bond, and now it's just the unspoken part we seem to have. I'm still working on it myself, but I've slowly gone from 'coping' with singlehood to something near contentment. IMO it's the sort of skill that makes you a stronger person, and ultimately a better partner down the road. Heh. Thanks for letting me talk my issues out with you. ;>) Wow it seems like you have had it pretty tough, Knit. Thanks so much for sharing with me/us. It is comforting to know I am not the only one out there like this. If you don't mind me asking, did he break it off because he could feel you no longer loved him? What was his reason?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 How does never being single affect someone? Give or take a few months in between relationships, I haven't been single since high school (10 years ago). The bf and I have a good relationship - we haven't had sex in a long time though - something which both of us seem to be ok with, unhealthily enough... (unless he is just not communicating with me) I will admit now that I DO find myself attracted to other men a lot, but my boyfriend is the one with the heart of gold and I truly do love him. On the other hand... I don't want him to be the last person I am ever with. Has it all got to do with never being alone??? Am I that dependant that I just can't stand to be by myself and always have to have a man there?? Do I risk losing him forever just so I can see what it's like to be alone for a while?? You don't really qualify as "never being single"... I'm sure you know there are lots of women whose relationships ONLY end because another one has begun concurrently. That is "never" being single. I know it is a tough thought to swallow, but I think your relationship, or at least the thriving part of it, has run its course. It sounds like you are both "good relationship material", but the lack of intimacy and your own confided truths as written at LoveShack are enough to suggest that the relationship is waning. I think it would be difficult to be bold enough to take steps toward ending the relationship beFORE something big and hurtful (perhaps hurtful both ways) comes along and ends it for you. I can promise you that when you're really in THE RELATIONSHIP that is a 'lifer' for you, you're going to KNOW it in spades!!! So, what I'm saying is, "you'd know it IF this were the one"
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Yes as I said in my original post as you will see, give or take a few months... I would literally be single for 1, maybe 2 months at a time before meeting someone else and jumping in the deep end again. Ok, looks like I know what I have to do, now to just find the courage to do it. [
Knittress Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 If you don't mind me asking, did he break it off because he could feel you no longer loved him? What was his reason? Sadly, I have NO idea. I quietly let him go without confrontation (I was in shock), and while he said a few things to me they seemed pretty superficial and BS-y, even at the time. I tried to seek some sort of closure a few weeks ago, but he appears to be blocking my emails. ::sigh:: Evidently, he's a coward at best. (He said "I was condescending with my vocabulary" (I'm a writer - DUH) and he "couldn't communicate with me." But, honestly I think it's because he was pretty co-dependent/insecure and just couldn't handle it as I grew older and more self-confident. That, and I have the suspicion that he snooped in my private lj-posts documenting my sexually-frustrated rage - given that he said he was "doing me a favor." So YES, he felt something was off.) Either way, the boy had the communicative competence of a chimpanzee. So, I'm afraid I can't offer you much advice, there...
canadaguy98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 well your talking that this guy is so fat and big that he is not attractive to you anymore i was a bit big for a while there i weighed in at almost 200 now I'm 140. she cheated on me when I was fat but still seeked more when I was slim i will say this much your man probably really wants you you cant neccesarily say the same for him but... if you are attracted to men who arent adonis'es then you should stop yourself because mine cheated on me with a man fatter than me and older than me and dorkier than me it was the biggest heartbreak I ever ever had. if it was some young buck sexy man who had leonardio decaprio good looks I would have understood but the fact that he was a 38 year old father of three who was more than 50 lbs more overweight than I was broke my heart. i never have been able to get over it. do as you must.
Malenfant Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 dont know if this has been mentioned or not. I'm guessing you mid-late twenties? This is a time of great internal change. I'm not sure why but it is. When I hit that age, all of a sudden I felt compelled to leave the situtation I was in. Like suddenly something was not right. I was not where I was meant to be. This upset me greatly, and then I was in this horrible place for ages. Feeling instinctively that I needed to go and leave my LTP. But being so afraid to leave, and not having a good reason for feeling that way, i just did. My story ended with me leaving my LTP and home of 9 years and a job of 10 years. Who knows how yours will end but although it is a scary feeling, it is just part of the continuing process of growing up. I thought once I hit 20 that was me done, but I was wrong. and although it was very difficult, i feel a wiser person for it. Not saying this is 100% the reason why you are feeling this way, just that I went through the same feelings at your age.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 SecretlySad, I have gone through something very similar. I was with my ex for almost 3 years (granted it's not 10 but considering how young I was it was still a lot), we lived together, he was even pushing plans to get engaged. But for about the last half of our relationship I felt just as IslandGirl described, which is that we were "best friends." I was no longer sexually attracted to him at all (he had put on weight but I think there was also just an element of change in personal preferences). I was slowly becoming miserable. I felt trapped, mostly because, just as you describe, he was such a wonderful, caring, generous, supportive, loving person to me. There was just no element of romance. He actually wanted to have a lot more sex than we did, I just would always make excuses (too tired, don't feel well, etc) so as to avoid it. And it wasn't because I don't like sex...in fact I love sex...I just wasn't attracted to him. I can also relate to your fear about what he will do to make your life a living hell if you break up with him. People are acting like it's impossible, if this guy is such a sweetheart, for him to react in a hostile or aggressive way. But I totally understand your concern. When a man is completely attached and reliant on a woman for his happiness (which my boyfriend was - he really had made me his whole world and kept no personal joys like hobbies or friends or even family), he can react aggressively. My boyfriend did. He didn't hit me or even lay a hand on me, and I want everyone to understand that that isn't what the OP is saying she is worried about. In my instance, in the weeks to month that followed our breakup, my boyfriend called my house (I moved back in with my parents) on our landline multiple times every night, harassed me, my parents, my sister even. He would call and say he was going to kill himself unless I came back now. Since I wasn't able to move all my stuff out right away, he would call at 3AM and say that if I didn't come pick up my things right away he was throwing them out the window (we lived on a 6th floor). He called my friends and told them I was a horrible person. All that calmed within a couple of months, but for about the next year I still received regular hostile calls (never answered), voicemails, and texts from him. This all sounds pretty awful, but I am telling you this to make a point. All of those things considered (all of this was about 2 years ago), I am so glad I got out. Even with all the stuff I went through, it was completely worth it, because now that I'm actually happy, I realize how truly unhappy I was. It's imperative that you leave this relationship if you aren't happy. It is only going to get worse. And I can imagine that the large age difference makes things even more difficult because he is definitely at a point in his life where he wants to be settled down. But it just has to be done. You will get through this!
canadaguy98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 To be quite honest OP it sounds like you are just searching for a good reason to break up with this guy when you have no solid concrete reason much like I said in my original post. You've talked about his weight, talked about his dick size, talked about how he could react aggressively if you broke up with him... on the flip side you've said how he's your best friend, how you wouldn't want to lose your friendship with him, how he's been a great guy and shoulder to cry on and the perfect person to be around during tough times. Being through the other side of the looking glass to where you are (I was with my ex for 9 years) and seeing as you sound remarkably like my ex in your thoughts I can see into your future somewhat. You and my ex are obviously different people and so therefore things are obviously going to be different for you if you take this course of action (dumping him) but I would wager that like your posts your expereince will be remarkably simmilar as well. I'll give you a window into your future. The Blue Pill: You try to figure out what is wrong with you and do your best to try to rekindle the flame in the relationship. Counselling, talking, communicating, tackling those difficult topics like his weight and the romance, and you actually put your back into and dont give a BS token "one last try" that you intend to fail because you dont really buy into the concept, you actually work to make things better. The Red Pill: You find a reason to break up with him and find the balls to do it. Your future with the red pill: 1. Your going to find that being single wont last long. You'll end up with another boyfriend in a couple weeks, and like a kid in a candy store you're going to end up going from guy to guy for quite some time "trying to stay single" until you realize that you're just not wired for it. 2. Your going to start to look at yourself badly in the mirror because you will start to think that your being a bit of a slut going from guy to guy and then you're going to start looking for a real solid relationship again, after a few months. (Maybe 3-6 months) 3. Your now ex-boyfriend is going to find someone else a lot quicker than you anticipated that he would and it's going to leave you devastated and hurt, regardless of how many men you have slept with until you find out. This will leave you confused. 4. All your future boyfriends are going to get sick of hearing about this guy and all the experiences that you shared together for 10 years with him. You'll be amazed at how hard it's going to be not to remember or talk about them. Your probably in your mid late 20s and your talking about over a third of your conscious life. The memories are NOT going to go away. 5. When your now ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend and you have a friendship together your going to warp his mind and break his heart repeatedly by talking about the old times and hitting all sorts of buttons in his heart invoking old memories and feelings. 6. When your now ex-boyfriend is single and between girlfriends you're going to avoid him like the plague for fear that you'll end up back together again, breaking his heart a few more times in the process because of the crap you fed him last time he wasnt single. In fact, the emotions you unload on him when he's with someone will actually negatively impact his future relationships because he will start thinking about you - just when he got over you and is with someone else. He'll be frustrated and angry when you avoid him whenever he's single. 7. No matter how much he cares about you he's eventually going to declare you a toxic bitch that does nothing but destroys his life and cut off all contact with you. He will always have strong feelings for you for the rest of his life. 8. Throughout all of this, you're going to be more FUBAR than ever because you will have put yourself through all of this and your going to realize that your STILL NOT HAPPY and that it was all FOR NOTHING. 9. One day your going to realize that happiness comes from within and actually figure out how to see the glass half full, and you'll realize what you gave up and make an overture to get back together with him now that you've realized that the problem was everything to do with you and nothing to do with him. 10.He's going to tell you to take a hike and avoid your phone calls because you've destroyed his life and broken his heart enough times. At this point you'll realize what you've done. -- If you want to leave this man, dont sit around and try to find rationalizations and excuses. Just do it. And dont sit around plotting scheming and saving and keeping it all a big secret until the time is right and have one big great last time like a vacation or something. Do it now; be fair to him and you. You want to end it, end it. However you I beleive are facing the reality shock of long term relationships. After a while the "magic" and the "romance" starts to take a back seat. Normalcy kicks in, and it is the bond and the friendship that takes centre stage. I'm gathering you come from a broken family, the product of divorce or parents who didn't stay together. So therefore you just dont know what real long term love looks like. People who's parents stayed together for 25 years look at their partner when they are in shoes like what you're wearing now and know they've found something special. People who's parents divorced when they are young keep looking for that magical first up to 3 years and when the magic transgresses to reality they feel like something's missing. Before you dump the guy, find someone in your family who has been married for over 20 years. Talk to them. Ask them about what their relationship is like today, and ask them about things like romance, sex life, some real deep questions. Ask them why they stayed together so long. You might just find that they feel exactly the same as you -- and they're happy like clams. :-) Or maybe you should just dump the guy. But it wont solve anything, you'll end up right back where you started in about a year, mark my words on that one.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 I'm guessing you mid-late twenties? This is a time of great internal change. I'm not sure why but it is. When I hit that age, all of a sudden I felt compelled to leave the situtation I was in. Like suddenly something was not right. I was not where I was meant to be. Yes, exactly!!! I can't put my finger on it but something just seems... off!!! I don't feel comfortable in my current situation. How did you handle the break up with your LTP?? I am 27 by the way - I have been with him since I was 21 (he was 38, now nearly 44). SecretlySad, I have gone through something very similar. I was with my ex for almost 3 years (granted it's not 10 but considering how young I was it was still a lot), we lived together, he was even pushing plans to get engaged. But for about the last half of our relationship I felt just as IslandGirl described, which is that we were "best friends." I was no longer sexually attracted to him at all (he had put on weight but I think there was also just an element of change in personal preferences). I was slowly becoming miserable. I felt trapped, mostly because, just as you describe, he was such a wonderful, caring, generous, supportive, loving person to me. Thanks for sharing your story with me. Yes!! Even though he gives me all the freedom in the world, I feel totally trapped. A change in personal preferences... yes, that's how I feel too! I mean when I started dating him, I had only been out of high school for 3 years - I was an adult but I was basically a child. Looking back now at the person I was when I was 21 it is safe to say I was definitely a child. It's not so much that my taste in men has changed, but now I feel I can relate more to men my age. It makes me feel uncomfortable when we go over to see my parents and he can relate more to them than he can to me, because they are all closer in age!!! Little things like that. I am sorry to hear your ex put you through all that. I would die if he hated me. He knows I am not a bad person, but when he's angry he becomes someone else. Like your ex, he has never laid a hand on me, but he's just very very nasty. I feel ashamed to admit, but it's gotten to the point where I almost wish he would cheat on me or do SOMETHING wrong to make it easier to end it, but he is just too in love with me to even think about it. P.S. canadaguy - NO ONE in my family is divorced or separated.
BG1985 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Secretly Sad, I feel like Canada Guy is trying to put this all on you. He's trying to validate the reason his ex left him and he's trying to impose it on your relationship. You are unhappy because you are in a relationship which you don't want to be in. I guarantee that when you get out and reconnect with your old friends and start going out and exploring new things, you'll be happy again. This doesn't look like it's one of those you'll never be happy sort of things. Too add on top of that, it just looks like there's too much complacency in the relationship on both sides. That is never a good thing.
canadaguy98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 no I said quite clearly: if she wants to leave him, dont hunt around for an excuse, dont wait for the right time - just do it. Although the "i'm not happy" problem wont be solved until she solves it inside of herself, with this guy, or another and she does sound remarkably like my ex, i'm not reaching at straws on that one. I'm still friends with my ex so I do have somewhat of a window into the future there.
Brady_to_Moss Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Yes as I said in my original post as you will see, give or take a few months... I would literally be single for 1, maybe 2 months at a time before meeting someone else and jumping in the deep end again. Ok, looks like I know what I have to do, now to just find the courage to do it. [ Next time, give yourself a year of being single. Say to yourself that unless you find god, you are going to stay single. Have some fun. Go out by yourself and it will do wonders down the road. I am on year 3 of this
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Secretly Sad, I feel like Canada Guy is trying to put this all on you. He's trying to validate the reason his ex left him and he's trying to impose it on your relationship. You are unhappy because you are in a relationship which you don't want to be in. I guarantee that when you get out and reconnect with your old friends and start going out and exploring new things, you'll be happy again. This doesn't look like it's one of those you'll never be happy sort of things. Too add on top of that, it just looks like there's too much complacency in the relationship on both sides. That is never a good thing. I am glad I am not the only one that thinks that... Oh boy there is. It's like we both know the problems are there and have been for ages, but neither of us want to bring it up, we both pretend it's not happening. He is your typical guy who never wants to talk about it, has to get up early, doesn't have time for this sh*t etc etc. If I am angry for what he deems to be a silly reason, he doesn't give me the time, even though the reason may not be silly to me. To be honest our communication has never been very good, I think in part due to our completely different personalities. He is dominant and loud, and I am reserved and very quiet. He doesn't want to say things that will upset me because he knows I am super sensitive, and I don't want to enrage him because I know he has a tendancy to become agressive (verbally). It's Eggshell City at our place... Next time, give yourself a year of being single. Say to yourself that unless you find god, you are going to stay single. Have some fun. Go out by yourself and it will do wonders down the road. I am on year 3 of this I have always said if I was ever single again that would be what I wanted - just one whole year to myself, it seems like a total dream. I know I have mentioned the sex stuff but it honestly has nothing to do with that. It has to do with being able to think about me and only me for once in my life. I have never had that luxury. Whenever my bf talks about his 20's where he did what he wanted, bought what he wanted, went where he wanted etc, I become sickly jealous. Edited November 5, 2009 by SecretlySad
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