SecretlySad Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Give or take a few months in between relationships, I haven't been single since high school (10 years ago). Even though my bf gives me all the freedom in the world and encourages independence, I often feel like I am missing out on a lot. Lately I have been waking up in the mornings, feeling very anxious and upset, thinking "this isn't the way it was supposed to be". The bf and I have a good relationship - we haven't had sex in a long time though - something which both of us seem to be ok with, unhealthily enough... (unless he is just not communicating with me) I will admit now that I DO find myself attracted to other men a lot, but my boyfriend is the one with the heart of gold and I truly do love him. On the other hand... I don't want him to be the last person I am ever with. I want to see more, do more, meet more people... please try and help me figure out why I feel this way????? Has it all got to do with never being alone??? Am I that dependant that I just can't stand to be by myself and always have to have a man there?? Do I risk losing him forever just so I can see what it's like to be alone for a while??
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If you feel that something's not right, you should break up with this guy. Are you really OK with the lacking sex life or are you trying to convince yourself that you are? It sounds like you really don't have a self identity; that you've been defined by all your relationships. If you're really having these thoughts, you need to get out of this relationship and see what the rest of the world is like.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 It sounds like you really don't have a self identity; that you've been defined by all your relationships. Wow that sums things up perfectly. I feel like EVERY decision in my life has always had to be run by somebody, discussed, compromised. I can't just wake up one day and GO, do what I want without having to discuss it with another person first. It has been that way for what seems like absolutely forever. I just don't know what to do though... isn't that it's not you it's me/I have to find myself a whole lot of rubbish?!!
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 "isn't that it's not you it's me/I have to find myself a whole lot of rubbish?!!" It's not always rubbish, but it's a euphemism used to let people down easily. The whole underlying concept is that you're really not that into this guy anymore. Y'all aren't having sex, you seem to have your eye on other guys, and you sound as though you feel tied down by this relationship. If you're feeling this way now, things aren't going to get anymore better by staying with this guy. Let me ask, do you really have your own friends outside of the relationship? If you do, go reconnect with them.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Let me ask, do you really have your own friends outside of the relationship? If you do, go reconnect with them. Yes I have a few, most I have lost touch with though, same as him. The first few years of our relationship were so intense, we wanted nothing more than to be around each other 24/7. I am beginning to think/realise that what I had for him back then was much more of an infatuation/bordering on obsession than anything... I was 21, he was 38. I was a much different person than I am now. I was going through a terrible time and he was there for me. I almost feel like I owe him, for all the times he has been there for me. I know how harsh that sounds. I haven't enjoyed the sex for some time. It has been an "ok, let's just get it over with" type thing in my mind. I HATE saying that, but I am finally going to start telling myself the truth and stop beating myself up about it. Yes it's bad, yes it's wrong, but I have to stop denying it.
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If you don't enjoy it now, it's not going to get any better. But yes, one problem with people who are constantly in relationships is that they spend less time with their friends. But as I told you earlier, use this opportunity to reconnect with your friends. You're being unfair to yourself by staying with this guy. He also needs someone who truly loves him and isn't going through the motions.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 But I DO truly love him. I can feel it in my heart... or am I just kidding myself, is what I am feeling guilt or fear?? Do I just "care for" him and nothing more? I am just so confused.
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 My ex girlfriend told me she loved me but was no longer in love with me. We were in a "comfort zone," but she didn't want to be romantically linked with me anymore. You just feel bad because things aren't what they used to be. You wish this guy could still make you tick, but he's not. You seem unhappy about this relationship.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 That's true.... I am no longer in love with him, and it is taking me a long time to come to terms with that because I don't understand why. He has done almost everything right for 5 years. If an almost perfect man can't make me happy, what hope do I have? What the hell am I looking for?
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I can't help you there, but you're doing either of you two a service by staying in a relationship in which you are going through the motions.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 That's true.... I am no longer in love with him, and it is taking me a long time to come to terms with that because I don't understand why. He has done almost everything right for 5 years. If an almost perfect man can't make me happy, what hope do I have? What the hell am I looking for? Whatever you are looking for, he isnt it. Its harsh, but its not fair to either of you to stick this relationship out because its easy or comfortable. Dont waste any more of either of your time. If you cant even enjoy SEX with the guy...something is wrong. I think youre fighting guilt, and trying to convince yourself you love this guy because you dont want to hurt him, but honestly, youre only hurting him slowly this way.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 If you cant even enjoy SEX with the guy...something is wrong. I think youre fighting guilt, and trying to convince yourself you love this guy because you dont want to hurt him, but honestly, youre only hurting him slowly this way. I think you're right... When it gets to a point where I have tears in my eyes because I DON'T want to be having sex with him that badly, I think it is time to go. Oh god. [
canadaguy98 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I was with a girl like you once. And that girl really screwed me up. And she's screwed herself up (shes been in counselling for nearly two years). I dont completely understand how she screwed herself up, but I do understand how she screwed me up. Normally when you break up with someone you've been with for a long time theres a damn good reason. Someone going through whatever they call it that you're going through wants to break up with a guy who seems to be a good enough guy not to have screwed up on you, which means you want to break up with him for no real solid concrete reason. From all the counselling and crap I went through both with my ex and afterwards I can deduce one single thing... You're not happy. And you're not happy simply because you dont know how to make yourself happy. No man will make you happy. You could screw 25 men in the next year like my ex did and you'd still be facing the exact same thing and problem when you finally get tired of seeking happiness through men and not finding it. I'll tell you straight up: your problem has nothing to do with your guy, and wont be resolved neccesarily by staying single. And I'll also tell you: you're not going to stay single. You're already getting attracted to other guys, you break up with this dude and it will probably be less than a few weeks before you get nailed by someone (I'm not calling you a slut - but if your tastebuds are craving something... you'll find it). What you need to do before you smash this guys heart into peices for what will likely be absolutely no reason nor solution to your problem you need to look into yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. Part of this may be to get hobbies. Friends, maybe, that you can hang out with. Another (which was in my experience, the sex life was not dissimilar to yours) is to get some gusto and start initiating sex with your man, take that fire in your belly you're feeling for the other guys and start putting it to good use with the man you have. I know in my case the sex was waning, but she made it so damn difficult and so much work to get it on that eventually I just stopped trying, it seemed like she just wasnt interested; I loved her so I figured whatever but I was sexually frustrated as hell. Try some new stuff with your boyfriend, you dont have to jump into another guy's pants to try new and exciting things, and it isnt exclusively your boyfriend's job to read your mind and fulfill your fantasies. And who knows, if you start doing new and exciting things, youll find your sex life will get much better real fast, the more practice he gets the better he'll peform, and pretty quick he's going to start coming up with his own ideas and you'll find that the passion will return pretty fast. You dont have to toast a long term relationship just because you've bored yourself. Your man is probably jerking off to porn right now while you're busy on the computer trawling online dating sites wondering what you're missing out on, wishing that he didnt have to because he has a girlfriend that isnt paying much attention to him that he loves sitting right in the other room. Turn off that computer, go to the bedroom pop on some lingere and get in there and do something you've never done before to him. And tell him you have an even better surprise for him tomorrow provided he comes home on time with some erotic take out food. Watch how much more interesting your love life gets real quick. Next: get some cool hobbies and friends to keep your mind from wandering and keep you focused on constructive things in your life.
Brady_to_Moss Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I love being single...but thats just me
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Give or take a few months in between relationships, I haven't been single since high school (10 years ago). Even though my bf gives me all the freedom in the world and encourages independence, I often feel like I am missing out on a lot. Lately I have been waking up in the mornings, feeling very anxious and upset, thinking "this isn't the way it was supposed to be". The bf and I have a good relationship - we haven't had sex in a long time though - something which both of us seem to be ok with, unhealthily enough... (unless he is just not communicating with me) Cessation of sexual activities is usually the first sign of a relationship that's heading towards break up (unless you are both really old, of course).
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Thanks for the advice, canadaguy, and everyone else. Try some new stuff with your boyfriend, you dont have to jump into another guy's pants to try new and exciting things, and it isnt exclusively your boyfriend's job to read your mind and fulfill your fantasies. And who knows, if you start doing new and exciting things, youll find your sex life will get much better real fast, the more practice he gets the better he'll peform, and pretty quick he's going to start coming up with his own ideas and you'll find that the passion will return pretty fast. You dont have to toast a long term relationship just because you've bored yourself. Your man is probably jerking off to porn right now while you're busy on the computer trawling online dating sites wondering what you're missing out on, wishing that he didnt have to because he has a girlfriend that isnt paying much attention to him that he loves sitting right in the other room. Turn off that computer, go to the bedroom pop on some lingere and get in there and do something you've never done before to him. And tell him you have an even better surprise for him tomorrow provided he comes home on time with some erotic take out food. Watch how much more interesting your love life gets real quick. This is one part people never seem to understand. I am NOT attracted to the man anymore. I know it sounds absolutely heartless, but it's true. This makes it very very difficult to want to get all sexy for a man I simply do not want to have sex with. I know I sound like a complete ogre and I am sorry. I could make love to his brain and amazing personality all day (I know how that sounds, but you know what I mean right?), but physically... nothing. He is a big boy, about 243 pounds (I am about 110), and he has been saying for 5 years that he is going to lose weight but never has. Plus he is not very well endowed. Again I know how harsh and terribly shallow this sounds but I am just being blatantly honest as to the reasons why I feel like I do. No amount of lingerie in the world is going to fix his weight or size. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful as him, yet every day I am still with him upsets me. Lately the age thing has also started to bother me. He will be 44 in a few months (I am 27). We went away to a couple's weekend a few weeks back and I was the only one there under 40. I felt so left out and was going to kill the next person that said "this was before your time, sweetheart". I again thought "this isn't how my life was meant to be". I still feel like I cannot be myself around him (he is very intimidating. I cannot count the amount of times I have said I am fine when I am not, just to avoid fighting with him), and I thought that maybe that might have something to do with the way I am feeling??? God I wish I knew. Maybe I am just hoping for reasons... I am so screwed up. Edited November 5, 2009 by SecretlySad
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 WOW...This thread went from "I feel like I'm missing out on being single" to "my boyfriend is fat and has a small dick". Talk about fuzzy logic. OP, never being single has nothing to do with your problem. You are simply not attracted to your BF anymore.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 WOW...This thread went from "I feel like I'm missing out on being single" to "my boyfriend is fat and has a small dick". Talk about fuzzy logic. Yeah I know, sorry I digressed big time there... I tend to do that.
Knittress Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I've been through a similar situation as CanadaGuy - someone gave me a load of BS several years into a relationship when the problem was their own unhappiness and insecurity. (I'm guessing this is one of those pretty common near-universals in relationships). So while I agree 100% with the sentiment that you can't rely on another person to make you happy, I think you REALLY NEED TO BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY. Why? Because the resentment is only going to build until it eats away at whatever good is left between you two. Some endings are so bad they seem almost retroactive, tainting the genuine connection that once was - and that's just a disservice to the both of you.
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 But HOW do I say "I love you, but I don't want to be any more than friends" without completely shattering him? Our friendship would be over, there is no doubt. He couldn't bear it. I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together.
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 But HOW do I say "I love you, but I don't want to be any more than friends" without completely shattering him? Our friendship would be over, there is no doubt. He couldn't bear it. I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together. Okay, now the facts are finally starting to emerge. Let me guess, moving out is not an option because he's paying the mortgage/rent?
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Oh no no I pay my way. We go halves in everything, and I pay my share of the rent. This isn't about me being left with nowhere to go or losing my financial stability, I just know him and his nasty streak. He would go out of his way to play with my feelings to hurt me as I have hurt him. He is one of those people who is sweet as pie until he is crossed, then Mr Hyde comes out. I went through a bad breakup with an ex and it drove me to severe depression, I don't think I could handle it all over again. I am scared. Edited November 5, 2009 by SecretlySad
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Oh no no I pay my way. We go halves in everything, and I pay my share of the rent. This isn't about me being left with nowhere to go or losing my financial stability, I just know him and his nasty streak. He would go out of his way to play with my feelings to hurt me as I have hurt him. He is one of those people who is sweet as pie until he is crossed, then Mr Hyde comes out. So the guy with the 'heart of gold' is going to turn into a nasty/vindictive ex if you leave him? And you're only staying with him because you're afraid of his 'revenge'? This story is getting more and more bizarre....
Author SecretlySad Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Stop putting words in my mouth, mate... that's not it at all. It is just one of the many things I am dealing with.
Johnny M Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Stop putting words in my mouth, mate... that's not it at all. It is just one of the many things I am dealing with. So what kind of advice are you seeking here? It sounds like you are trying to rationalize your decision to dump him.
Recommended Posts