How to stop being so jealous

[guacamole]

I am so, ridiculously jealous about EVERYTHING, and I don't know why. I have such an awesome boyfriend and I know that he loves me. Everything bothers me.. I get jealous when girls add him on facebook, because I wonder why they're searching for him. I get jealous that he adds girls on his buddy list and talks to them on AIM while he is in class with them, even though most of the time it's about school stuff. I even constantly check his chat history just to see what they talk about (although this week I told myself I would stop, because it's making me crazy). I absolutely HATE when he goes out. We're long distance this year and he just goes out with his friends from school, not a big deal but yet it drives me insane. I found out he had girls numbers from his class, and it once again drove me crazy. I hate when he thinks movie stars are pretty, ugh I just get jealous of everything. It is consuming me and he puts up with so much it is just not fair to him.

 

While I write this I realize how completely juvenile I sound. I am in my early 20's and definitely see a future with this guy, and I know I need to move forward. We've been together for over 3 years. I'm not insecure looks-wise; I know I am pretty and attractive. In fact I think all the girls he is friends with are A LOT uglier than me, so why am I jealous?

 

For anyone that has been like this: What has helped you get through? I just want our relationship to grow, not deteriorate all because of my stupid, pointless jealousy

[boundaryproblem]

Maybe you need to adjust your territory. It doesn't sound unreasonable for him to have some female friends. But your territory boundary is so expansive - it keeps getting triggered and making you crazy.

 

Jealously caught me by surprise recently as well.

 

Maybe differentiate between what realistically is a threat and what is just background drama. Ask him - he'll tell you.

 

Out of interest, does he have any male friends - or does he just hang out with girls?

[guacamole]

He hangs out with guys as well. He use to not have any girlfriends, but now that we are long distance and he is at school he is making a LOT of girl friends. I know I am just over reacting, I just want to learn how to stop. I also need to stop snooping, I check his facebook probably more than I check mine.

[Citizen Erased]

Were you like this when you guys weren't long distance?

[boundaryproblem]

If you truly love him, then you will love him here, there, with you, with her. It is a state of consciousness. You just want him to be happy and healthy.

 

I think you are trying to use your love to try to control him. And that will push him away - permanently.

 

Control is about power. Jealously is about controlling the other person. Love is about wanting them to be happy with whatever choice they make.

 

So basically let go, ignore him, and make your own life absolutely fascinating. More fascinating than his Facebook page. ie. put yourself first and invest in you. He'll make his own choices.

 

I don't see him starting a family with a clingy woman, so you need to fix this fast.

[learnfrommymistakes]

Boundary

this was a great post, response. I don't come over to this forum much, (this thread topic) but I did tonight and I really liked your response to guacamole. Insightful, dead on, and helpful for those of us who struggle with control/jealousy from time to time.

thanks....you helped more than one person I am sure..

lfmm

[guacamole]

I agree with you all, I just don't know HOW to change..

[boundaryproblem]

When someone asks me "do you love yourself" - I get really uncomfortable because it is such a stupid question.

 

But I think my discomfort comes from the fact that I struggle with it. I respect and like myself. But it wasn't until this year when I did some self-analysis that I realized that I hadn't allowed myself to actually love myself.

 

In the past I think I worried that if I loved myself I would instantly become one of those insufferable people that no one wants to spend time with, and that it wasn't too honourable to focus too much on myself.

 

But now that I opened that door within myself to 100% self-acceptance - my phone is ringing off the hook. I don't know how people know, but they know.

 

If you are happy and satisfied within - they are like moths to your candle.

 

You need to love yourself more than you love him.

 

Start a relationship with yourself. Take yourself for a manicure, take yourself on a shopping trip, buy yourself a cup of coffee, join a club. Keep your eyes open for interesting opportunities, e.g. a new hobby. Be open to it - and your fascinating life will happen all by itself once you make the decision to love yourself more than you love him.

 

Incidentally when you are off having your relationship with yourself, you won't be available by phone as much (too invasive to talk on phone when having relaxing manicure) and who has time for facebook when they are canoeing a beautiful lake?

 

Hopefully that helps.

[Dexter Morgan]

in my opinion, he likes to flirt alot, electronically and whatnot. he is giving you reason to be jealous.

 

his facebook activities are a red flag as far as I'm concerned.

 

How to stop being jealous? the first way is to find someone who is more into you and less into chatting with other girls on the internet.

[letmejustsay]

In the past, I have been guilty of being a jealous person too. Its been a real struggle. Sometimes feeling jealous is understandable, especially if you are given a reason (i.e., cheating, lying, deceiving). However, I think that even understandable feelings of jealousy are tied to personal fear and insecurity.

 

Since you are putting time and energy into monitoring his behavior online tells me three things: (1) some of your needs aren't being met, (2) you sometimes struggle with feeling secure/confident about yourself, and (3) you may have some uncertainty about your boyfriend's commitment to your relationship.

 

First, no relationship partner is responsible for meeting your needs or helping you to feel secure/confident about yourself. A relationship partner is only responsible for answering questions you have about his commitment level to your relationship in a way that is thoughtful and honest.

 

If you feel compelled monitor his chat history, it sounds to me like you are doing two things -- doubting his commitment to you and struggling with feeling secure/confident/good about yourself.

 

Since you seem aware that you can be excessively jealous at times, a way to start figuring out how to overcome those jealous feelings is to figure out what thoughts and beliefs about yourself running through your mind while you're feeling jealous.

 

Being more attractive or less attractive than another female is somewhat superficial way of boosting one's confidence. Beauty does not guarantee anything. And, forgive me when I say that, I don't mean it to be harsh or to demean your attractiveness. However, attractiveness is not a reliable way to ensure relationship stability. So, with that said, let me ask you this...when you see your boyfriend chatting with another female, do you feel that she is a threat to you and your relationship? Are you afraid that whether she is attractive or not, she might be better suited for him? Are you afraid he will now be less attracted to you because he knows her? Do you believe that you if you could force him to not be friends with her, your relationship would be more secure? Because if you have those types of thoughts, you probably need to work on your own feelings of security and confidence. For your own long-term well being, not just for the relationship.

 

In my experience, you can't force someone to do anything they don't want to do (even if your married), and if you feel you have the power or right to force someone to change...you need to do a reality check. I hope that makes sense, but since you sound aware that your jealousy is sometimes irrational...here's another thought: It is possible that he may just be chatting and being cordial/friendly to a classmate or platonic friend. Do you not want him to be friendly to people who are friendly to him?

 

I think its normal to feel jealous and threatened at times. But, when jealousy gets out of control to the point where you are monitoring his online behavior, its usually a sign that you need to understand your motivations, needs, and values.

 

Since you can't control what someone does or feels (even if you're married), I'd say talk to him about your insecure feelings. If he listens and reassures you, you probably need to work on becoming more secure and confident so you can feel better about yourself. If he doesn't hear what you're saying or provide you with reassurance, you might consider finding a different, more understanding boyfriend and/or changing your dating situation to one that better meets your needs.

 

Hope that helps!

Edited November 6, 2009 by letmejustsay
typo

[boundaryproblem]

A relationship partner is only responsible for answering questions you have about his commitment level to your relationship in a way that is thoughtful and honest.

 

 

If a relationship partner is only responsible for saying if they are in or out, then what value do they add to the relationship? It is the giving and the taking (insert the word needs here) that makes the relationship what it is. Yes there are over givers and under givers - I take your point on that. But with no giving at all, there is nothing. Just a mirroring of "I'm great" "You're great", let's live parallel lives in love with ourselves. The absence of connection between the two people results in the external appearance and feeling of love, but in reality is a glorified self-love projected onto the other person/appliance in the relationship (insert word narcissism here).

 

 

About the monitoring - that presumes searching is going on. Sometimes there is such distinctive voice that innocent surfing results in tripping over people online. For ephemeral emphatic listeners, it is not unusual to recognize an internet voice, to the point that as we read the words, it is as if the person is talking across a table from us. So gear down with the "stalker" suggestions.

 

You are right about not forcing people to change - I take your point on that. Question is whether the other person wants to keep up. Sometimes they are good company (despite their many flaws) and are worth an investment.

 

Sometimes these threads get so off topic, maybe I should start a new thread about the etiquette of when you trip over someone online and they freak out. Like it is all about them. Yawn.

[Somedude]

Ugh.. I hate Facebook. My girlfriend recently moved out and I got a facebook page. There is a guy on there that keeps messaging her and posting comments on her photos even though it says she is with me right there. I asked her about him and she said he just "likes to be friends with everyone and doesn't mean anything"... yet his only recent activity is commenting my girlfriends photos. She said she wouldn't delete him because "he would keep asking to be her friend". Well I ask this... does she not see that this guy bothers me? What's worse, her bf being upset over 'a guy that means nothing' or 'a guy that means nothing trying to add her" it takes 2 seconds to say 'ignore'.

 

I hate Facebook. It causes unnessecary trouble. I apologize I didn't give you more advice, just sharring that you're not alone in feeling jealous over this type of thing.

[steammachine]

I don't have any advice.

 

All I wanted to say is that I have the exact same problem, however I'm the boyfriend in this relationship.

 

I know just what you are feeling right now. In fact, the reason I'm on this forum right now is that I was also trying to find a way to change and not think the thoughts I think.

 

The thing is, my girlfriend has NO idea I think these thoughts. We somehow managed to not add each other on facebook for the first 7 months of the relationship, then the inevitable happened. As soon as we were friends on facebook I started to read every single thing I could on her wall. I was reading completely harmless wall posts from male friends of hers and the jealously just grew. It was crazy.

 

The worst part is knowing that these thoughts are completely irrantional, yet I still get them, and they will not diaspear.

 

Let me know if you find a way to deal with these thoughts. Because one day i'm just going to crack and tell her what i'm thinking and shes going to freak out. hahahaha