sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I have been reading posts here for a week or so and also posted my story yesterday… I have a question… How should one look at the countless IMs/texts/conversations that always include “I miss you” “Just called cause I was thinking of you, like I always do”… You meet, you have a good time for a bit, she gets bent about the relationship talk, sends you a text a week later, “I did like you, and will again I’m sure. I’m just angry now and need to let that run its course. I’m sorry.” ? Rinse and repeat for 2 months… My question being, how helpful is it to make the other person, the leaver, the villain for the obvious casts and recasts they make to you? I know she could not have done it at all had I not been weak, however, she had to know it was killing me (still is… “I did like you, and will again Im sure” after 2 years… Jesus that hurt)? I’m so tired of the “she is young, naive, and inexperienced” excuses I have given her to the alternative of saying, that was shi*&ty to do. Thanks…
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 What you need to do is start ignoring those crap texts and start moving on. Everything she is saying is totally selfish, and is her way of trying to avoid taking any blame. 'Im just mad, blah blah, im young, naive..' Who gives a crap, she hurt your feelings, and she should live with that. It has nothing to do with making anyone the villan, its about personaly accountability. She is responsible for her actions, and needs to take said responsibility instead of standing behind stupid excuses and messing with your head. All she is trying to do is leave this feeling as little guilt as she possibly can, and pretend like none of this is her fault. It is her fault, very much so, and you shouldnt be there patting her on the back for what she did. Completely and totally ignore her messages from now on. She walked out of your life, let her keep right on walking. Stop validating her by responding.
Author sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you BCCA.... After the “I did like you, and will again I’m sure." text (Oct 20th) , I did not respond. I just could not believe she wanted to blame me for a visit where she was getting a foot rub, called off work to hang out, and we were about to make a day of it... Once the relationship convo started, she did a 180... Made the 4 hour drive home to have her call later pissed off when I arrived... Still, it has been really hard... Whomever is under my bead, shaking me awake every night at 2am, still thinks its funny to do so. Just hit my 23rd pound of lost weight in 4 months. Still have a hard time not blaming myself for it all... Thanks again...
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Good advice BCCA! If you look at break ups in a generic fashion, people aren't at their best, hurt and self-protecting, some at any cost to their ex-partner. What I've noticed about my own pattern of behaviour, post breakup, is that I tend to externalize anger, hence deconstructing the other party, focusing on their negative behaviours and traits. This allows me to strengthen myself enough so that I can break the connection, by breaking the rose-coloured goggles. Next, when I'm strong enough, I tend to internalize, hence deconstructing me, to myself. Last, I try to balance, allocating responsibility to each person, for their part in the cessation of the relationship. I suspect that none of these perspectives is completely real but with only one side of the input, you can only do the best you can. In other words, take her off her pedestal. She's not playing very nice at all and doesn't have your well-being in mind. Right now, it's all about her.
Author sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thanks threebyfate... It is indeed difficult to take her from the platform I have built for her but, at the same time, impossible to reconcile the person she is now with the one I loved and knew loved me... Actually had to deal with her making plans and then blowing me off for another guy at the last minute. Ten days later, "Im so sorry for not going with you... He was a jerk, if I would have known, I would never have hurt you." I know it sounds/is pathetic; but I had worked so hard to show her I had changed... Lost 22lbs, new clothes, new everything... So I accepted her apology and we made plans to meet when she was here on business.... She was all over me.. Could not stop with the compliments, and of course, the tears. Later that weekend, she actually came to my house and rang my doorbell at 1:30am but I did not hear it... Before she left, conversations of the relationship had her run again... Maybe if I would have kept my cool, taken it slow, and avoided the relationship talk, it would have been different. Ill never know.... The mixed signals have driven me to the edge... Thank you again....
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