Eisenhower Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If you saw my thread "Man, I'm Hurting," you know my ex broke up with me as after 18 months together she couldn't deal with the guilt/pain remaining from her divorce AND being in a new relationship. I was likely the stereotypical rebound. After 6 months of trying to be "friends" like she said she wanted, I realized she was just basically keeping me on the back burner and at arm's length - too scared to let go of me, but too scared to really be friends because of the "relationship issue" always waiting to pop up. So when I found out a few weeks ago she had been out a couple times with someone else, I declared no contact and have stuck to it. Here's the problem. I met her Dad for the first time last Thanksgiving. He was terminally ill with cancer. We had a great day and she told me that he told her, "After meeting (me), I feel like I can die in peace because I know you and the kids are going to be taken care of." Well, that really touched me. Sadly, he died the very next day. And while I thought that his words were so meaningful, she literally changed after her Dad died - she became colder and depressed. It was the beginning of the end of us - she said she no longer knew who she was or what she wanted. We broke up in Jan, but got back together until April when we broke up again. She said she just couldn't be in a relationship because her life was a mess. As Thanksgiving approaches, I know she's going to be devestated. Her Dad was really her only parent as she's not close to her Mom (they were divorced). Thanksgiving will be the one year anniversary of her Dad's death and I know she'll be devestated ... Father's Day was hard on her too. I am committed to NC because she's really hurt me over the past year, but I know it wasn't intentional - she's just messed up by divorce and then her Dad's passing. While I'd like to send a card or leave an anonymous flower on her car (we work at the same place), I don't want her to think I'm making a move at reestablishing contact or that I want her to respond. Yet, I was so touched by her Dad's words about me, I feel like I need to do something to honor her pain. Any thoughts? Eisenhower
lostmirthfulness Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Sorry bro, I think its been said over and over again, and I too am fighting somewhat of the same problems you are. It is best to let go completely. The ball is in the other persons court, if they don't make the effort, then they just aren't there. I guess we can sit and hope, but in reality what we need to do is just move on. We have our own lives that need and demand our attention.
Ronni_W Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 E, You really can go any way you want on this one. I would offer: her dad's words were about YOU -- about how HE felt about YOU. You can honour his life and how he touched you so significantly without involving a third party. (The way you posted, at the end it wasn't so much about "her pain" but your own feelings about his own words.) But, like I said. However you do it will be fine.
TaraMaiden Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 damned if you do, damned if you don't..... if you send her a card, she might think it cruel that you've brought the situation even more to her attention. If you don't send her a card, she might think it heartless that you've not considered her in this situation.... If you're honest with yourself, you obviously care about her, but you're also concerned with her opinion of you, and how it will make you feel, to send the card. So, if you're honest, it's a two-way thing..... In my opinion? I would send it. But, keep it formally friendly and impersonal. Don't gush, just say, "Thinking of you at this time". And sign it, adding just one x. Do not follow through, do not enter into dialogue. if she contacts you, deal with it as appropriately as you can, as and when it happens, if at all..... best of luck.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The exact same thing happened to me. All I can do is tell you what I did. I was sad, and I mourned in my own way, but I didnt break NC. The reason why is because it wouldnt have helped anyone. You arent going to make her feel any better, and its not going to do anything for you, either. She has a family and friends, and they can be there for her. Its not your place to any more, and truth be told, I thought it was kind of a weak excuse to talk to her anyway. I dont want to use a tragedy to bridge the communication gap. My advice is to just let it go. It sucks, but thats unfortunately part of life, and youre just not going to help.
Author Eisenhower Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Well, I'm not trying to bait her into reevaluating us or anything ... but even though I "hate" her in some ways for hurting me, I do know how much pain she'll be in and I feel some need to reach out and offer some consolation, even if just a card. We were head over heels for each other for a long time and went through a lot. I guess I just hate to think about her in pain over her Dad. I don't know - I'm on the fence. I don't want to look like I'm making "contact" ... but I do want to let her know that on this particular occassion, I am thinking about her. I thought maybe I could include a note saying something like, "I don't want you to respond to this card in any way, I just wanted you to know that even though I only shared a few hours with your Dad, I'll carry his memory with me forever, and am thinking of you and your family on this special day." As I say, I don't know ... Eisenhower
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Honestly, reading your response - dont send anything, please. Youre still too wrapped up in you two to think about this rationally, and I can tell youre trying to play this just right so you have a shot at getting back together. Truth be told, even if shes hurting, thats her problem. It stopped being yours when she ended the relationship, and stopped caring about your problems. "I don't want you to respond to this card in any way, I just wanted you to know that even though I only shared a few hours with your Dad, I'll carry his memory with me forever, and am thinking of you and your family on this special day." No no no. To me, you might as well just say 'I want you back'. If anything, you could just say 'sending my thoughts to you and your family during this difficult time'. You dont want to go on about keeping his memory forever, and all that. Listen bro, Ive been where you are...and youre trying to talk yourself into thinking you NEED to break NC. You dont, and truth be told, you shouldnt. It sucks, and Im sure she knows you feel for her (who wouldnt?), but its not your business to involve yourself with her life any more, and the less you try, the better off youll be.
Author Eisenhower Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Yeah, I see your point. I guess this just seems like one time or one circumstance that transcends the bounds of our relationship or breakup and who left who, etc. To me, it just seems like a compassionate human gesture. But I see the downside too ... As was said, I'm kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't. Eisenhower
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Yeah, I see your point. I guess this just seems like one time or one circumstance that transcends the bounds of our relationship or breakup and who left who, etc. To me, it just seems like a compassionate human gesture. But I see the downside too ... As was said, I'm kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't. Eisenhower That is exactly how I felt, but the thing you have to start doing is worrying 100% about you and 0.000% about her. Whats the worse case scenario of you not calling or sending a card, shes going to say youre a douche? She broke up with you, let her say what she wants. You obviously arent on the same page, anyway. But trust me, no good will come of making contact for YOU, and sorry to say, but when it comes to her, you NEED to be selfish to protect yourself. You dont want to re hash old crap, or re open old wounds. Like I said, she has people that will be there for her, its not your job any more.
Ronni_W Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 As was said, I'm kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't. Actually, and for what it's worth, after reading BCCA's posts in this thread, I'm leaning towards you'll only be "damned if you do." There is just too much wisdom and personal experience in BCCA's to ignore/dismiss. But I also get that, if one is not yet there, it may be difficult to relate to the subtleties and the tricks that the mind can play at this stage. It's tough navigating, that's fersure. Hugs, and best of luck.
adamt Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 My ex split up with me not long after her mum passed away. I wanted to be there for her but she was pushing me out and getting closer to her family. It was hard but it was her who decided she wanted me out of her life. not heard from her in 5 months since. You have to let it pass without contact. You should feel any guilt because the ex is the one who decided to make the decision to break up.
TaraMaiden Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Let nobody say I cannot be swayed by Logic and reason...'There is only one wrong opinion, and that is a Fixed opinion'. So I guess I'm more of the opinion now, that BCCA has a stronger point than I. Don't send it, and cultivate a peace of mind based on what is best for you, in the long-term bigger picture, than for her. Will this matter as much in 3 years' time? Then let it matter as much this year.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 If her father actually passed away right now, I'd say send a card. It's probably the only legitimate reason to break NC. I wouldn't write anything other than "I'm very sorry for your loss", sign it, and send it out. But since this is only the anniversary of his death? Let it go. I don't want to sound heartless, because it's nice that you're thinking about helping her through a tough time... but it's a year later, and you need to move on.
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