I miss the one I ended it with?

[simply]

Hello all, I'm just hoping someone here can help me make sense of what I've been feeling for a while now.

 

I'm wondering if there are any other girls out there that still think about a guy they let go of in the past. It may seem stupid I know, but I still think about a guy I dumped about two years ago and I'm not sure why.

 

We were together for about 8 months, I met him at a time in my life when I was kind of depressed, new to the area and had gotten out of a two year relationship a few months prior. When I met him my whole world changed. It was like we were meant to be together. He was handsome, driven, athletic, deep. I was way into him early on. He made me feel a kind of love that I hadn't felt before. Like it was more real than other loves I had felt in the past.

 

But then, a few months into our relationship my ex started to re-appear in the picture a little bit, it confused me. So I backed off of the whole situation and him, started pushing him away. I ended up sleeping with my ex but it was horrible. I hated myself for it. I didn't ever tell him. Then about a week after that he did something I did not expect at all. He came over to my house and told me he loved me. I felt the same deep down but I couldn't bring myself to say it, I just sat there crying instead, and then he left, I was afraid I would never see him again.

 

Over the following two weeks things got back to normal, and I told him I loved him too and wanted to be with him. For the next 5 months or so the relationship was good. We were nearly inseperable.

 

But then in the last month or so things started to fall apart. I had a lot of stress hitting me from my family and my bills, he lost his job and so was unemployed, things started to become boring, I started to lose my attraction for him. He was still the same handsome guy, but I wanted out. I will admit that I blamed the relationship for a lot of the stress in my life at the time even though him and my relationship with him was the one good thing in my life at that time. I ended it with him and moved away. He was crushed, he took it really hard. We kept talking over the next couple weeks, mostly just him trying to get me to reconsider. This is the part that makes me really sad because our relationship really broke down in a more permanent way during that time. A lot of it was frustration and sadness on his part and anger that he wouldn't just accept the break up on my part. I ended up telling him what I'd done with my ex before, said I never loved him and some other hurtful things. He told me not to call him anymore and that he'd do the same.

 

That was 2 years ago.

 

Since then I've been guilty of checking up on him on facebook and what not. He had things happen in life that I wanted to be able to congratulate him on like getting a new job and getting back in school, but I knew he didn't want to hear from me. I got in touch with him a few times over the course of the next year, even though I was back with my ex during that time (I got back with my ex for about 6 months), but I always got a short cold responses or none at all. He met a new girl and was pretty serious with her for a while but they are recently broken up, so he's newly single again.

 

But anyway during the past two years I've never really stopped thinking of him. I would go through phases where for a few months I couldn't get him out of my head, everything would remind me of him. Then for the next couple months I would rarely think of him. Then back to thinking of him again.

 

I can't help but sort of wish we could try again now that our lives are straightened out. I miss him obviously, I don't know if I still love him or not. I think once I met him again in person I'd probably feel everything from a long time ago all over again. Thats part of what Im afraid of, Im afraid that the instant I see him again in person Ill melt all over again. I really don't see him going for it though, and why would he? I'm the stupid girl from 2 years ago that broke his heart. Im sure thats how he thinks of me anyway. I think Id just get rejected. Plus Im not even in his area anymore. I still wonder what could have been or what still could be but I dont think he would want it. Ugh this sucks. Regret is the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't even know where to start! How does someone even go about something like that with someone who they caused so much pain to in the past?

 

So what does everyone think? Do you still think about someone you let go of in the past like that? Am I being stupid? Do I just need to drop the idea, or should I communicate with him? Id really like to hear from other women but I will listen to everyone. Sorry for the length.

Edited November 4, 2009 by simply

[Turista]

Hello all, I'm just hoping someone here can help me make sense of what I've been feeling for a while now.

 

I'm wondering if there are any other girls out there that still think about a guy they let go of in the past. It may seem stupid I know, but I still think about a guy I dumped about two years ago and I'm not sure why.

 

We were together for about 8 months, I met him at a time in my life when I was kind of depressed, new to the area and had gotten out of a two year relationship a few months prior. When I met him my whole world changed. It was like we were meant to be together. He was handsome, driven, athletic, deep. I was way into him early on. He made me feel a kind of love that I hadn't felt before. Like it was more real than other loves I had felt in the past.

 

But then, a few months into our relationship my ex started to re-appear in the picture a little bit, it confused me. So I backed off of the whole situation and him, started pushing him away. I ended up sleeping with my ex but it was horrible. I hated myself for it. I didn't ever tell him. Then about a week after that he did something I did not expect at all. He came over to my house and told me he loved me. I felt the same deep down but I couldn't bring myself to say it, I just sat there crying instead, and then he left, I was afraid I would never see him again.

 

Over the following two weeks things got back to normal, and I told him I loved him too and wanted to be with him. For the next 5 months or so the relationship was good. We were nearly inseperable.

 

But then in the last month or so things started to fall apart. I had a lot of stress hitting me from my family and my bills, he lost his job and so was unemployed, things started to become boring, I started to lose my attraction for him. He was still the same handsome guy, but I wanted out. I will admit that I blamed the relationship for a lot of the stress in my life at the time even though him and my relationship with him was the one good thing in my life at that time. I ended it with him and moved away. He was crushed, he took it really hard. We kept talking over the next couple weeks, mostly just him trying to get me to reconsider. This is the part that makes me really sad because our relationship really broke down in a more permanent way during that time. A lot of it was frustration and sadness on his part and anger that he wouldn't just accept the break up on my part. I ended up telling him what I'd done with my ex before, said I never loved him and some other hurtful things. He told me not to call him anymore and that he'd do the same.

 

That was 2 years ago.

 

Since then I've been guilty of checking up on him on facebook and what not. He had things happen in life that I wanted to be able to congratulate him on like getting a new job and getting back in school, but I knew he didn't want to hear from me. I got in touch with him a few times over the course of the next year, even though I was back with my ex during that time (I got back with my ex for about 6 months), but I always got a short cold responses or none at all. He met a new girl and was pretty serious with her for a while but they are recently broken up, so he's newly single again.

 

But anyway during the past two years I've never really stopped thinking of him. I would go through phases where for a few months I couldn't get him out of my head, everything would remind me of him. Then for the next couple months I would rarely think of him. Then back to thinking of him again.

 

I can't help but sort of wish we could try again now that our lives are straightened out. I miss him obviously, I don't know if I still love him or not. I think once I met him again in person I'd probably feel everything from a long time ago all over again. Thats part of what Im afraid of, Im afraid that the instant I see him again in person Ill melt all over again. I really don't see him going for it though, and why would he? I'm the stupid girl from 2 years ago that broke his heart. Im sure thats how he thinks of me anyway. I think Id just get rejected. Plus Im not even in his area anymore. I still wonder what could have been or what still could be but I dont think he would want it. Ugh this sucks. Regret is the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't even know where to start! How does someone even go about something like that with someone who they caused so much pain to in the past?

 

So what does everyone think? Do you still think about someone you let go of in the past like that? Am I being stupid? Do I just need to drop the idea, or should I communicate with him? Id really like to hear from other women but I will listen to everyone. Sorry for the length.

 

Move on...

 

If you get him back, you'll probably just get bored with him again, and destroy him that much more. That's exactly what my last girlfriend did to me, several times, only on a shorter time scale. And just lask week she started drunk dialing and empty emailing me.

 

The one exception I would make is if he comes back to you on his own, but I still think you're just idealizing him because he's no longer available to you and you have yet to find a shiny new bauble to take his place. it's safe to long for something you can't have because that way you can live a nice but doomed romantic fantasy rather than get back on the horse with someone new and try to do a better job the next time.

[Lost&Found]

You've just given hope to every guy on here who's been dumped!

 

But seriously, I tend to agree with Turista, I had the same thing with my ex, also on a shorter time scale. She broke up with me out of anger, then weeks later after not hearing from me she changed her mind and wanted me back. Told me how much she missed me and what a mistake she had made and never wanted to lose me again. She wanted to spend all her time with me and loved me so much she told me. That lasted 2 months and here I am, all brokenhearted because she broke up with me...again.

[Eisenhower]

I agree with Lost and Found ... I can only hope my ex (who dumped me) has these feelings for a good long while.

 

If I were you, I would give him a call. I know everyone's saying move on, but if it's possible you two are meant to be with each other, you will never know by playing games. Call him ... talk to him ... what have you got to lose? If he's still on your mind, maybe it's because he's still in your heart.

 

Eisenhower

[lilbelle]

yep, i think about my first love all the time. We are still good friends and we have watched each other mature. He is a wonderful man and I would consider him a great lover but we are states away. Alas, we had our time together and I enjoy being single now.

[simply]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

 

Turista, Im not a small animal that chases shiny things. These are real feelings Im feeling. I am sorry your ex did that to you, but I think you jump the gun in concluding Im just like her. I think maybe you have some residual feelings coming through that you let influence your advice for my own situation...

 

Lost and Found, it has been neither two weeks nor two months. We are talking about two years. This is the source of my alarm because I recognize that normally feelings are supposed to fade after that long of time unless something else is there. I appreciate you being able to relate to my situation but the time difference counts for something I think...

 

Eisenhower, if only it were that easy! There are no games being played though, we dont even have any connection with each other in any way. I dont even know if he has the same phone number, I changed mine myself and never gave it to him even though I never had any reason really. Your right I know I have nothing to lose but its not so easy. I know he still has a spot in my heart for a reason. He was such a good match sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to be so stupid, I cant help but wonder where wed be at right now if I never hung it up. But everything happens for a reason, Im the type of person that believes we choose our own fate, I just dont like the fate I might have chosen all that time ago! Ugh! I mean Im sure Ill find someone else and my life will go on just fine without him in it ever again, I mean Ive lived the past 2 years just fine and dandy, but I know that pang of feeling counts for something, I dont think of any other exes like that or feel like that about them, hes the only one.

 

lilbelle, that must be nice. I dont think either of us could have handled just being friends afterwards though. He is not my first love though, I had been in two long term relationships before him, one of them I was even engaged in! But this guy I was only with for 8 months, thats another reason why this is so confusing.

Edited November 5, 2009 by simply

[fofiffs]

Well this is just my take and opinion about the situation..

 

Let me just point out some things you said:

1. things started to become boring, I started to lose my attraction for him. He was still the same handsome guy, but I wanted out

 

2. I ended up sleeping with my ex but it was horrible

 

3. I ended up telling him what I'd done with my ex before, said I never loved him and some other hurtful things.

 

So in my opinion, respect the man's wishes and never contact him again. Yes its been two years since youve been broken up but what will contacting him accomplish. Don't just think about your feelings, think about his also.

 

And like you said you tried contacting him when you got back with you ex but he gave you the cold shoulder. So what makes you think he has forgotten about what you have done and wont give you the cold shoulder again.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or anything I'm just telling you from my experience.

[simply]

Thank you fofiffs, its exactly that line of thinking that is keeping me from trying to reach for him. Ill admit I have also done some things in an effort to call his attention to me, but I dont think he paid them any mind. Sadly though I have never really made an honest attempt at communicating with him, I always did it in a backhanded way or in a way that was more trying to get him to get in touch with me, like I couldnt bring myself to go out on a limb, its so pathetic that I acted like that, and Im still in that position, afraid of exposing myself to open rejection after having broke his heart, even two years later! Ive grown up alot since. Your right that I should respect his wishes and think about his feelings too. I know he has every right to feel the way he does but I just wish I could get him to know how I feel atleast. Even if I just knew he thought about me some times the same way I think about him all the time would make me feel better. Easier said than done.

[fofiffs]

Thank you fofiffs, its exactly that line of thinking that is keeping me from trying to reach for him. Ill admit I have also done some things in an effort to call his attention to me, but I dont think he paid them any mind. Sadly though I have never really made an honest attempt at communicating with him, I always did it in a backhanded way or in a way that was more trying to get him to get in touch with me, like I couldnt bring myself to go out on a limb, its so pathetic that I acted like that, and Im still in that position, afraid of exposing myself to open rejection after having broke his heart, even two years later! Ive grown up alot since. Your right that I should respect his wishes and think about his feelings too. I know he has every right to feel the way he does but I just wish I could get him to know how I feel atleast. Even if I just knew he thought about me some times the same way I think about him all the time would make me feel better. Easier said than done.

 

Well i'm not going to tell you what you should or should not do. But just try to put yourself in his shoes. What if the person you love cheated on you and left you afterwards and tries to contact you 2 years later. What would you do or how would you react? Would you want to relive that moment from 2 years ago all over again? Would you be able to trust that person again?

 

Yes some people are saying you have nothing to lose by contacting him. But what about him?

[Eisenhower]

Two years later, I don't think he's going to be hurt either way. If she contacts him and he's over her, it will give him a nice opportunity to say, "you know, you screwed me over and I'm long past being over you - now, go away" and he can walk away with a nice sense of long-delayed closure.

 

However, if he still has feelings for her too, this might be the opportunity he's always dreamed would come.

 

I really don't see him being "hurt" by her two years later. Just my thoughts.

 

Eisenhower

[simply]

Well i'm not going to tell you what you should or should not do. But just try to put yourself in his shoes. What if the person you love cheated on you and left you afterwards and tries to contact you 2 years later. What would you do or how would you react? Would you want to relive that moment from 2 years ago all over again? Would you be able to trust that person again?

 

Yes some people are saying you have nothing to lose by contacting him. But what about him?

 

Well it would definitely be hard. I dont want to pretend to know how it feels when I dont but I get what you mean. I guess the first thing I would think is what is the reasoning behind them wanting to get in touch with me, and why after two years. I would probably be suspicious of their motives. He is a very strong willed guy though, with strong character, I think he could trust me again if he wanted to and I think he would have gotten over the hurt by now, but as far as doing it for me that is a different story. I guess for him it probably all boils down to a couple things: what would he gain by trying again with someone whos already hurt him, and how does he know it would be any different this time around. To those two points I dont really have any good answer for. He has already had another serious relationship in the interim so thats also working against me because its shown him he can be happy with someone else and I am indeed replaceable.

 

I know it all seems so selfish of me but I wouldnt want it unless he really wanted it too. We were a really great couple once, we saw far, far more good times than bad. I guess maybe I just want that back, or even the chance of it being even better, but that doesnt matter if he doesnt want it too. Thats what I would like to find out... if he has thought about me at all and if he too has tried to imagine where wed be right now.

[fofiffs]

Two years later, I don't think he's going to be hurt either way. If she contacts him and he's over her, it will give him a nice opportunity to say, "you know, you screwed me over and I'm long past being over you - now, go away" and he can walk away with a nice sense of long-delayed closure.

 

However, if he still has feelings for her too, this might be the opportunity he's always dreamed would come.

 

I really don't see him being "hurt" by her two years later. Just my thoughts.

 

Eisenhower

 

Thats just my take on her situation. But ultimately its her decision in the end if she contacts him or not. And from my experience of my ex who cheated on me 4 yrs ago, I would never want her to contact me ever again. Yes she did try to contact me 3 yrs later but I completely ignored her. Why would I want somebody who I loved cheated on me back or try contacting me.

[simply]

Two years later, I don't think he's going to be hurt either way. If she contacts him and he's over her, it will give him a nice opportunity to say, "you know, you screwed me over and I'm long past being over you - now, go away" and he can walk away with a nice sense of long-delayed closure.

 

However, if he still has feelings for her too, this might be the opportunity he's always dreamed would come.

 

I really don't see him being "hurt" by her two years later. Just my thoughts.

 

Eisenhower

 

The first part there is just one of many likely scenarios that is causing me to shy away from it. I think it would just make things worse for me if I knew he wanted nothing to do with me, but at the same time there is so much to be gained if he feels differently.

[Eisenhower]

Well, look at it this way ... you hurt him very badly once. If you want him back, then exposing yourself to being hurt by him is what you'll have to do. Some might see this as justice for the hurt you put him through.

 

You put yourself in this situation ... but you can't always be in control. Sometimes being in love means getting hurt ... as he's already learned. Sometimes you have to take a chance.

 

Eisenhower

[Lost&Found]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

 

 

Lost and Found, it has been neither two weeks nor two months. We are talking about two years. This is the source of my alarm because I recognize that normally feelings are supposed to fade after that long of time unless something else is there. I appreciate you being able to relate to my situation but the time difference counts for something I think...

 

You are right about that, it was fresh on my mind so I brought it up. I do have a similar situation though with a greater time difference. I had a girl I was madly in love with 8 years ago, we dated long enough to get all those dreams and hopes about a future together in my head, then she broke up with me. I was pretty devasted but I got over her eventually. Still though, I do think of her from time to time and wish I could just meet her randomly somewhere and start over. I even found her on Facebook, but I didn't contact her. It would just be awkward now.

 

If you really want to make contact with the guy and feel things out, how about just try adding him as a friend on FB? You said you know his page. If he sees a friend request and its you, either he will accept or he won't. If he accepts it means he is interested in at least reconnecting somewhat, if he doesn't accept - he's not. A little awkward yes but nobody will get hurt and you will get your answer.

[boldjack]

Simply, long, lost, loves, are very rarely ever as good (or Bad) as they were when they happened. I know, I resumed communication with a woman , who broke my heart, many years ago.

[Turista]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

 

Turista, Im not a small animal that chases shiny things. These are real feelings Im feeling. I am sorry your ex did that to you, but I think you jump the gun in concluding Im just like her. I think maybe you have some residual feelings coming through that you let influence your advice for my own situation...

 

 

In the end, we're all just high-fallutin' monkeys IMO...

 

She's not the only one that tried this crap with me. There's another nutcase from 21 years ago that occasionally tries to start things back up with me. I find both their behaviors really annoying, and I am long since over the other one - I just want her to go away for keeps and have said as much - this does not stop her, it merely makes her go away for a while.

 

So anyway, you're most likely not wanted anymore, he probably has or had someone who appreciates/appreciated him in exactly the way you didn't, and all you're going to do is hurt him and yourself by holding onto this further. There are so many decent people in this world looking for love, and if you really have grown up, you're ready to find him. Otherwise, see my first post again and move the heck on.

[reelbigfish]

I would highly encourage you to contact him. It seems most of the advice on this forum is to the contrary but I believe in skipping the game playing. If on the off chance he still wanted you - he could very well have you in NC until you make a reach. This forum would tell you that it is his job to reach if he wants you, but this forum also tells you to NC your ex if they dumped you until they reach. Using those two theories - no one will ever contact anyone to rekindle things. You broke up with him and crushed his heart so it is your job to make the contact to see if you want to explore a new relationship with him. You have to take a risk in order to get a reward. You aren't dating him now and you are unsure if you want to. Not contacting him will result in the same exact problem. Contacting him you will find out if he wants to talk about things, if you do in fact like him, or if he doesn't want anything to do with you. Either way you will have an answer and this will stop eating at you. You obviously have feelings for the guy and 2 years is a long way down the road.

 

I really think you should see if he'll meet you for coffee or something. Don't mention your feelings but just tell him you'd like to catch up and see how he's doing. Keep it simple and just tell him you'll be at the ABC coffee shop on main street at 3:00 on wednesday and he is welcome to join if he wants. If he shows up - great - talk to him and see how things go and assess the situation after you've met him to see if you really do still have feelings for the chap. If he doesn't show up - take it as a sign he's not interested in you at all. If he can't make it at the time you suggest but he's interested in meeting with you to catch up - he will suggest a different time or let you know he can't make it.

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

[simply]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

 

I went through with getting a hold of him this weekend. Yes, I messaged him. The exchange on facebook was really brief and mute, he reminded me of his phone number (even though I still had it) and said if we were going to do any talking it needed to be atleast on the phone. So I called him later that day and we talked for about 10 minutes. He asked almost immediately what it was I wanted to talk about, or what I needed. It was almost cold and business like. But basically I told him I just wanted to talk to him and see how things were going with him and basically got his guard down enough to make him agree to meeting me on his side of town for some coffee at a place we used to go book shopping at.

 

We met the next day, Sunday. When I got there I could see him through the front window sitting there at a table waiting for me. I almost threw up I was so nervous, I almost didn't go in but I made myself overcome the anxiety. I walked in and looked around, until our eyes met. And as soon as that happened ohhh myyy gooodd. I felt like my legs were going to buckle. I had an instant adrenaline rush and huge butterflies in my stomach. He was so handsome and smelled good when I hugged him. He has changed a lot in the past two years, but is still the same somehow, like a stronger version of who he was before. It was really hard for me to look him in the eye even though it felt so good when I did. I know he wasn't feeling all the butterflies and things like I was which made me sad because as I sat talking to him I knew I was falling for him all over again just like when we first met but I knew he didnt reciprocate the feeling probably. It felt horrible to see him like that in front of me again but know we are not together like we were two years ago, that he isnt mine. I had not seen him since the day I said goodbye so it was all so surreal to me.

 

Painful though mostly at the same time because I got the vibe that he had no interest in giving it a second chance. I led the conversation like I knew I should and I leaned him closer and closer towards our relationship from before. He kind of balked a little when I started asking him questions about how he felt. He put his armor back up so to speak after that and it was hard to talk to him. He basically said that while he is over the whole ordeal and that he has moved on to bigger and better things it still pains him a little to think about it. He basically said he loved me more than anything before and would have done anything for me but that feeling dissolved over time with less and less communication and feelings with me. This made me scream in my mind because I tried talking to him a few times like I said before but I guess at the same time they were not real reaches to him so I cant really blame him. But towards the end of the conversation I basically got that he missed me for a really long time after and it took a while to get over, even while he was with another girl. But that he had fought so hard to get over and past me that he doesnt think he can put himself out there again, especially for a girl like me. That stung really bad when he said that, I think it was kind of mean but I can see where he was coming from. I think I may have made a mistake in meeting him because now its even worse for me wanting him so badly but hearing his words over again in my head that he wouldnt be willing to try again with me, meanwhile he just got lots of closure and I dont have any way back in anymore. This sucks so bad. I am kind of glad I did it because it was better than nothing and atleast now I know, I just wish he felt differently. I wish I had handled myself differently in the past. I ****ed it up with a really great guy all because I was young and stupid. I had hoped that he would look at it like that and see it as the old me but I guess he doesnt really want to get to know the newer me, and he said that people never change anyway, even though I can see clearly that he has.

 

 

He did leave the door open for communication I guess, he didnt say dont call me or anything like that, he just said hed talk to me another time so I guess that means something. I am glad he met me and maybe this was his way of saying try harder and you have a chance. But I dont want to be a girl that goes chasing after a guy that sounds dumb for me to have to do that when I could have most guys if I wanted, I just want this one more. This is just pathetic that I feel like this after so long though, it should be him feeling like this about me not the other way around right now. So stupid.

 

Anyway that is my update so far, what does everyone think of this all?

[amtz]

In my own personal experience regret is way worse than a heart brake. It happened to me once and ever since I have regretted ever since, don't get me wrong I eventually moved on and met other people and fell in love many times more, but the "what if?" question pops every now and then... You got nothing to loose because you left him in the first place so don't expect him to be looking out for your. It's more than obvious he is clueless how your feeling this said, how do you know if he is not feeling the same?? Unless he is in a current relation I would certainly give it a shot with real action instead of trying to catch his attention doing silly stuff that will in fact do nothing. I know many of us have said to someone "I hate you" or "I don't want to see you ever again" but over time this words become meaningless and pretty much we pardon who ever did bad to us. Or at least if someone ever got over it he/she will know to forget. Like I said I would simply give it a shot and see how things go just respect what ever he tells you after wards and move on!!!

 

I've known people that miss more someone who were with them in a short-time relation than a long one... People that never talk to each other, others who go for a second chance regardless of the time frame or circumstances that caused the brake-up

 

My two cents!

 

Will pray for you

[boldjack]

OP, is this selfish? of course it is. Leave the Guy alone.