Trying to understand what happened here so i dont make the same mistake again!

[lovebound]

This guy used to pursue me for over a year while living in the same town i live in. Always calling me and asking me out. I was dating someone at the time and even when i broke up with my boyfriend, he used to insist. I was a bit afraid of dating him cause i was not sure if he was a nice guy or not. I always saw him with different girls so i turned him down many times and other times i went out just as a friend in groups of common friends we had, never alone. At the end of the year, I started to warm up to him, he was much fun and we got along great. Then, when we finally got closer, he decided that he needed to move out of town and move with his parents as he could not afford living on his own anymore, lost his job and went bankrupt. At the time of him leaving, i thought to myself that this was not going to work but then, he kept calling and texting me pretty much each day until it was a common thing to do, talking each day, very sweet and attentive to me, telling me that he missed me and could not wait to c me, so i started to care more for him cause i saw how nice he was. He has been out of town for 3 months. after a month, he came down and introduced me to his mother and asked me to fly to visit him last week for 4 days. I was ecstatic that things were working out this way until two weeks ago. i noticed that he started to snap at me over the phone, saying he did not like talking on the phone, telling me that i did not understand him and that we could not communicate. Seemed to me for no real reason other than i kept asking him things twice cause i could not hear over the phone i have very well. this behavior also coincided with him losing an opportunity for a job to put up a store. his parents were going to help him at first, but then backed out. I still went to visit him thinking that we could have a good time a rekindle communication. But when i got there, he was nice but less than excited. Actually somewhat distant.I was staying at his parents house (his mom really likes me), met all his cousins, brother and friends, but the second night i was there he blew up at me just because i asked him to come to bed and cuddle rather than wathching tv late at nite, told me that he was tired of my ****, and that if i continued my ****, that he would kick me the **** out. then he proceeded to say that he did not need a girlfriend, he needed to focus on getting his career in order and did not need distractions, and that he did not love me cause we had nothing in common (not sure what he really refered to cause we like the same things) and that he cant talk to me. he treated me so harshly i could not help but cry cause i felt humiliated, so badly that i coudl not help to pack my bags and get the next plane out. he tried to hug me and i told him to stay away from me. then he started saying that people were saying that i was slow, weak, crazy and that there was something wrong with me. i was so hurt and felt so disrespected i felt i had to leave and was mean to him all the way to the airport. i have profession and manage an office for a big corporation, what the hell?so i left, he sent me a song in facebook the next day and told me good luck in finding love. the song was about how he does not need love in his life right now.once again, what the hell? why would he even bother to send me that! is he crazy? how can someone be so nice one day and then flipped into this nasty person. not only that, he even went ahead to even say that i had psychological problems and needed help. i am a very sweet person and respectful of other people, i take care of myself and support myself. what went wrong here? any expressions, thoughts from anyone? im shocked.

[torranceshipman]

Walk away from this guy now, and don't look back! He is an abuser - he has all the hallmark, classic signs - lying to you and saying that people said there were things wrong with you (100% incorrect-I guarantee no-one said this)-that is designed to destroy your self esteem and believe him when he cuts you down. It worked a bit already as you are justifying yourself to us, feeling the need to explain that you are, in fact, a clever, nice person. Of course you are, and everyone knows this. Even he knows this, but he needs to abuse you because he's twisted. Then...twisting the knife-by sending you that song...calling you names? Really, really horrible.

 

You didn't make ANY mistakes - this guy is a really damaged piece of work. Trust me when I say that he will always have something to complain about, how life has done him down, how something sucks, how you aren't good enough, blah, blah, blah. He will 100% drag you down if you let him - you need to cut him off right now because he is poison! I had the misfortune to date someone just like this once, and I learnt a lot from it, i.e. to never let it happen again, and that my life will be happier and lovelier than his ever could be. Fast forward a few years later, to now, and that is so true. I have a great life and great friends and his life sucks, because he alienates people....

[lovebound]

Thank you for responding. You are 100% percent correct. Im still shocked that he sent that song as if being that nasty wasnt enough. I guess he was trying to see if i would respond? Thats what my friends said, maybe he sent it to see if i was weak enough to respond back. I am not responding to that. I am still in shock that he tried to say that people thought i was slow, he even said that people said that when they talk to me my eyes wonder! i have an engineering degree. the nerve! i am hispanic and sometimes i have to think prior to responding. I was so furious. my friends say that i did the right thing for leaving like i did. i cant believe i actually had bought him a watch for his birthday and had already given it to him. now i am stock paying for it! aaarrrrgh!

[torranceshipman]

If it makes any difference...you got out of that miserable R losing nothing but the price of a watch...lots of people aren't so lucky and end up staying, and seeing their whole life going down the tubes! You're lucky cause you are sensible. The guy isn't normal...

[threebyfate]

I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.

 

Sweet words to reel them in, then a 180 to full-blown abuser. Words cannot express what a complete and utter ass, this guy is. It's all about him. If he feels bad, he'll take it out on people who love him. That's not love, it's narcissistic love.

 

I'm glad you're out of this situation. If he follows the classic abuser formula, he will try to get you back with sweet word, apologies, maybe even tears. If you fold, he'll go back to being the abuser. Highs and lows to keep the other person uncertain, until you're more than willing to do anything, to please your abuser and stop the abuse. The only problem is that they'll keep control of you by continuing to up the bar, about what you must do, to make them happy.

[torranceshipman]

Threebyfate is really right about that - NEVER take him back, even if he cries, begs, pleads, proposes, and buys presents for the next 10yrs!!! He's an abuser and the sweetness is a normal but effective part of the abuse cycle, and no matter what it takes to get you back, he'll do it, so he can start the bad treatment again, to get control over you again.

 

Hopefully he'll leave you alone, but if not...avoid, avoid, avoid! Oh, and tell everyone you know about exactly what he said and did to you. People should know in case he comes creeping round trying to win you back...

[lovebound]

Im already feeling much better by reading the posts on this thread, this is helping me. i have to admit that i was feeling very upset and low with what happened. I just found out thru one of my good friends that he actually called his exroommate down here where i live who happens to live only 2 streets down from me, apparently upset? well, we dont know. my friend does not the details cause she heard it thru the other exroomate who was questioning my friend if she knew what happened cause he heard that he had called the other guy about me. my friend played dumbed and said she did not know anything but could not get any details from him as to why he called. well, i sure hope this is the end of this. I agree that abusers try to come back and manipulate but in this case, he is quite hundred miles away, has no money so cant pay his way down here, so i am assumming that this will help the situation as he really is not close enough to have opportunities to run into me or try to come by to see me or anything so the distance will let it go.

[threebyfate]

Don't be surprised if he tries to cover up his abusive behaviour. It will be all your fault why things fell apart or so he will try to tell everyone. It's a way to pass blame to you, while at the same time, isolating you from your social circle. Be careful!

[BookerT]

Yup this guy is an abuser, he was showing classic signs of emotional abuse. I also agree with the other posters. You must not take this guy back, because he will try to be sweet, etc, to get you to go back to him.

[threebyfate]

Stick around for awhile and you'll see similar forms of abusive behaviour on LS. Some members will try to create co-dependencies with others, by first, being overly-sweet, then attempting to isolate and abuse them. It's really twisted behaviour.

 

Just watch for it since it might help to enlighten you about how far people can fall, when they're unhappy within themselves, due to personal insecurities.

 

Relationships, both romantic and platonic, should be about both of you bringing out the best in each other, supportive but not enabling.

[lovebound]

Threebyfate you are right, that is one of the things that was bothering me. Why did he have to call anyone whatsoever downhere and what do they care? i am worried that he is going to spread some bad stuff about me when i was the one insulted by him. luckily, my friend is going to try to find out what he said without saying anything to see what she can dig out. luckily, i have lived in this community for 3 years and everyone knows me for a long time, so i would hope that they know what kind of person i am. they always tell me that i am very sweet and nice, so i hope they know better than to believe stuff like that. and actually becuase i am too nice is the reason i get mistreated sometimes.

[threebyfate]

I'm glad to hear you've got a strong support network! Just don't let him get to you. Walk away with your head held high. No one deserves to be treated like crap. What a jerk!

[torranceshipman]

And if he does something to upset you, post here and we'll always have time to hear about it and tell you what a jackass he is

 

The best thing is to ignore any stupid behavior from his end - he might be upset that you aren't trying to get back with him or showing him attention anymore, so he might try to cry wolf to others and pretend you did something wrong, or whatever...don't even feel you have to justify yourself, as it keeps you involved with him on some level. Just keep going, head held high, and you're right, people know you and what a nice person you are, so if he tries to spread crap they won't believe it.