Venting and Coping

[Ms. Joolie]

I've been in contact with the ex since Friday through email. Over the weekend, I told him no contact. I flipped out a little bit and just said to give me the space I needed to let go.

 

He wrote back telling me he couldn't give me forever. He'd email me in December.

 

I wrote back telling him, "fine, email me all you want then." To imply that I wasn't going to pay attention. :-/

 

Then I emailed him again addressing the fact that he wouldn't let go of this dream. That our relationship has never worked out, yet he wouldn't let go of this dream. All the while I'm feeling crushed, my dream feels crushed.

 

He writes back talking about how he's always tried to keep us together, but I always pushed us away. That our feelings for each other are the same... we both feel hurt, both still care for each other. He tells me that towards the end is when he gave up, until something major changes. (one of us moves closer to the other or something... something)

 

I write back telling him I just want to put these three years of torture behind me. That all I hope for is that we can both let the past go, and not bring any of the garbage forward, only use whatever was good to our own personal benefit.

 

I tell him I wish I could see him, but I just don't see the point in going through those emotions. That I just want to know he's okay, that the overall relationship didn't hurt him, that I'd do anything to make it feel better. Or almost anything. laugh, laugh. (ugh)

 

 

That was yesterday at 3:26 p.m. Nothing yet in reply. Sigh.

 

 

How do I feel? I'm ready, so ready, to move forward. No, really. I'm just too curious on how he's doing I guess. (dumb!) I think to myself that I'd only get back together with him if he showed me how much he desperately loved me. But do I want a desperate guy? uhhhh.... no? So I think my dignity, and his, are just letting this go right now. Really letting this go.

 

 

No, really.

[Ms. Joolie]

It's like a stupid obsession.... waiting to see what happens next. I can't help it when I'm at work in front of the computer all day. I get my work done. I'm great. But I'm not so incredibly busy that I don't think.

 

 

Ah, shame on me. Maybe I need to make it a point to think of x or y or z instead of him. A conscious and committed point.

 

Any suggestions or thoughts or tough love is always appreciated.

[McGrupp]

ill help ou since youve been helping me out. i mean you dont want him anymore yet you still wait for his answer?

 

whats the point. move on.

[TaraMaiden]

She dumped him... I have absolutely no idea why.....

 

I'm afraid it's true though.

if you've dumped him - then quit rising to the bairt and answering, block him off, and don't ever, ever respond again.

he will only keep contacting you, if you make it worth his while, won't he?

[Ms. Joolie]

August 2006 I stopped seeing him.

 

We date.

 

June 2007 I stopped seeing.

 

We date.

 

Winter 2007-2008 was rough, but we we're okay. I was the cause of the "not okay".... I would push him away. I kept telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship. In fact, that is THE story. And he's always been persistent.

 

We date.

 

Spring 2008 He gave up. We stopped seeing each other.

 

We date.

 

June 2008 I stopped seeing him.

 

We date.

 

From November 2008 to July of 2009, we were okay. My insecurity was there but it was a pretty good stretch. He never gave up.

 

July 2009 I stopped seeing him.

 

 

 

SO NOW..... in late August I took these Landmark Education classes, which I picked up from him actually. So after he knew I completed them he called, we talked.

 

We dated for two weeks.

 

Then he tells me he had a date that Saturday, to a beach party, and that he had this date BEFORE we started dated. He asked me for assurance that I was going to stick around.

 

I flipped. I said that if he wanted to date someone else, then do it. He kept the date, but she cancelled on him.... because she knew he was seeing me.

 

I was wounded that he would do that to me, my ego hurt.

 

He protested that he just wanted assurance. He protested that she was just a stand in. That I was his first choice.

 

 

YOU SEE WHAT WE GO THROUGH??? WHO'S FAULT IS IT?

 

Ugh.... I've told him numerous times I wasn't ready for a relationship, but we tried. I tried. I had a lot to go through. I AM in a better place right now. But he was with me through the worst of it.... through the initial recovery from my past.

 

It's just a lot of yuck. A lot of pain and hurt from the past. I want to start fresh. I love him... but this can't go on. It's so ridiculous.

 

We're just at a stalemate. I know I pushed him away. But only because I needed the space. I won't always be like this... it was just bad timing, that's all.

 

Now what? Now just move on. Continue on my road... live my life... learn my lessons.

[Ms. Joolie]

It's very hard keeping a relationship with an eating disorder. Blah. Plus from my past I had so many stories circling my head.... I was too busy, to insecure, to have a relationship. I pushed him away.

 

But he knows I love him. He knew I honestly loved him. And I believed he loved me.

 

It couldn't be helped. I had to help myself... I had to heal before I could be in a relationship.

 

Now it's just the end of all that on and off.... it's the end of our half-relationship. It's the going our separate ways.

 

It hurts. I'll miss him. I love him. I wish him the best.

 

But I have to move forward.

[TaraMaiden]

August 2006 I stopped seeing him.

 

We date.

 

June 2007 I stopped seeing.

 

We date.

 

Winter 2007-2008 was rough, but we we're okay. I was the cause of the "not okay".... I would push him away. I kept telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship. In fact, that is THE story. And he's always been persistent.

 

We date.

 

Spring 2008 He gave up. We stopped seeing each other.

 

We date.

 

June 2008 I stopped seeing him.

 

We date.

 

From November 2008 to July of 2009, we were okay. My insecurity was there but it was a pretty good stretch. He never gave up.

 

July 2009 I stopped seeing him.

 

 

 

SO NOW..... in late August I took these Landmark Education classes, which I picked up from him actually. So after he knew I completed them he called, we talked.

 

We dated for two weeks.

 

Then he tells me he had a date that Saturday, to a beach party, and that he had this date BEFORE we started dated. He asked me for assurance that I was going to stick around.

 

I flipped. I said that if he wanted to date someone else, then do it. He kept the date, but she cancelled on him.... because she knew he was seeing me.

 

I was wounded that he would do that to me, my ego hurt.

 

He protested that he just wanted assurance. He protested that she was just a stand in. That I was his first choice.

 

 

YOU SEE WHAT WE GO THROUGH??? WHO'S FAULT IS IT?

 

Yours, of course!!

 

Nobody held a gun to your head and coerced you into dating him against your will... this was a totally on-off relationship - indulged in by both of you, equally.

he then states, (although not in so many words) that he wanted assurance, which is a good way of yanking your chain and letting you know that actually, until he knows you two are serious, you're actually just a FWB....

 

The problem is, it seems that you too, were the classic Miss Commitmentphobe... you wanted all the benefits of true enduring lasting love - but held him at arm's length.... so he became just a little peeved at that....

If you weren't 'ready for a relationship' why did you lead him on for so long?

[DustySaltus]

It's very hard keeping a relationship with an eating disorder. Blah. Plus from my past I had so many stories circling my head.... I was too busy, to insecure, to have a relationship. I pushed him away.

 

But he knows I love him. He knew I honestly loved him. And I believed he loved me.

 

It couldn't be helped. I had to help myself... I had to heal before I could be in a relationship.

 

Now it's just the end of all that on and off.... it's the end of our half-relationship. It's the going our separate ways.

 

It hurts. I'll miss him. I love him. I wish him the best.

 

But I have to move forward.

 

....until he gets in contact with you again.

[Ms. Joolie]

Yours, of course!!

 

Nobody held a gun to your head and coerced you into dating him against your will... this was a totally on-off relationship - indulged in by both of you, equally.

he then states, (although not in so many words) that he wanted assurance, which is a good way of yanking your chain and letting you know that actually, until he knows you two are serious, you're actually just a FWB....

 

The problem is, it seems that you too, were the classic Miss Commitmentphobe... you wanted all the benefits of true enduring lasting love - but held him at arm's length.... so he became just a little peeved at that....

If you weren't 'ready for a relationship' why did you lead him on for so long?

 

You are right... because of all that on and off, we could never get serious. I would joke around that we were lovers, but at the same time I meant it. We talked about what we were... so in love, yet such a crazy relationship. I joked with him again that he was my "love interest."

 

I COULD NEVER GIVE HIM THE RELATIONSHIP HE WANTED! I couldn't help it. I'd try to stop dating him.... but he always comes back.

 

He's been such a great guy. I'm really pushing him away this time. I begged for NC. He wouldn't listen. That's just where we're at NOW.

 

We're both trying to accept that it's REALLY OVER THIS TIME.

[Ms. Joolie]

....until he gets in contact with you again.

 

Right! But I think this is it! I mean, it's been almost 20 hours!

[Fluffsticle]

I'd try to stop dating him.... but he always comes back.

 

I'm really pushing him away this time.

We're both trying to accept that it's REALLY OVER THIS TIME.

 

When my ex told me that he doesn't love me anymore. That's what pushed me away.

 

It hasn't made all of my feelings go away. But, it pushed me away. And I'm just not that kind of person that would try to change someone. If they don't like me, they don't like me.

 

Maybe you need to try harder to push him away.

 

I know it's hard because your heart is saying to you one thing, and your head is saying another.

 

I followed my head, and I know one day that our hearts feel for eachother, I believe that fate with step in.

 

You know what you should do, you're reluctant to do it because it's cr4p not hearing or knowing anything about someone that you loved so dearly and miss so much.

 

But maybe for you to heal, you know what you need to do??

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm addicted to him is what it seems. And we never even had a good, healthy relationship.

 

Was it love, or an addiction? I'm confuzzled now.

[Ms. Joolie]

I know it's hard because your heart is saying to you one thing, and your head is saying another.

 

 

My heart says me and him are soulmates.

 

 

What a load of........ lol. But really..... that is why *I* can't let go. Because I *love* him. Yet... this is all the ugly truth of the situation.

 

We never had anything going. No steady relationship. No future.

[Fluffsticle]

My ex dumped me. But I had to be the strong one and ask him to leave me alone.

 

I know how hard this is to do. I changed my sim card (and broke it). I redirected his mails back to him.

 

I haven't heard from him in 6 months or so, and even though I still think of him every day. It has given me the space to think about myself more. About what things I want from life.

 

It is tough being pulled backwards all the time...

 

I feel for you... but you have to be the strong one...

[TaraMaiden]

Right! But I think this is it! I mean, it's been almost 20 hours!

Sheesh!!

 

wait until it's 20 DAYS!!

 

then you'll be more sure!

 

Stop yanking his chain, and beating yourself up.

 

Refuse to enter into any further dialogue with him, either in texts, e-mails, telephones or any other wise!

 

Delete his number, block it, delete his email, block it, and never answer the 'phone if you for one instant suspect it might be him.

Close any myspace or facebook accounts, block, delete and do not check.

 

THAT'S No Contact - make it so!!

[Fluffsticle]

I too loved my Ex Fiance of 7 years. (OMG I just realised I said loved there!!!)

 

I want nothing more than to just be back with him in our perfect relationship.

 

Him and I are soulmates. The two of us always said that.

 

While traveling, we made a video reflecting on the year that had past. We spoke about loads of stuff, engagement and he kept talking to our Kids and telling them stories of what their Mother had done!

 

We don't have kids. But we were so sure that we would have loads of them some day.

 

I still love my ex, and I wish he hadn't acted so haistly.

 

It wasn't easy to let go, but if I didn't block contact I would keep checking my mails wondering if he would mail me, or text me, or arrive outside my house.

 

Now I only wonder if the odd post on here is from him! That's not too bad! Maybe I want to see him write something about me saying he still feels for me!

 

How long are you broken up?

[Ms. Joolie]

Sheesh!!

 

wait until it's 20 DAYS!!

 

then you'll be more sure!

 

Stop yanking his chain, and beating yourself up.

 

Refuse to enter into any further dialogue with him, either in texts, e-mails, telephones or any other wise!

 

Delete his number, block it, delete his email, block it, and never answer the 'phone if you for one instant suspect it might be him.

Close any myspace or facebook accounts, block, delete and do not check.

 

THAT'S No Contact - make it so!!

 

I don't yank his chain... but I'll respond to him. I've always responded to him, this this loving feeling for him. And it's gotten me nowhere.

 

But I haven't called him in weeks. Refuse to see him. We're down to email only.

 

And this time...... This time I think he'll stop. And my ego hurts. Because he's going to stop. I think it's an ego thing now.... not love anymore.

 

I did love him, or want to love him, but I had little love to give as I was struggling to get a hold of myself. I thought I loved him. I DO care for him. But it never has worked, and seems like it never will.

 

We have no future together is what it seems. Is what we are facing. Is the reason we see BOTH see further contact as pointless.

[Ms. Joolie]

How long are you broken up?

 

This last break up was late September. Since then no calls, haven't seen him.

Only these emails. And THAT'S what I'm coping with.

 

 

And now I think it's just an ego thing.... I see myself in this thread. It's scary. But it helps to see it like it is. sigh.

[Fluffsticle]

But it helps to see it like it is. sigh.

 

Yes it does help to see things clearer. I couldn't see anything clearly until I blocked out my ex.

 

All I was seeing was him everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked.

 

It wasn't an easy decision for me, but I had to be strong and make no contact.

I had to let him see that i was serious.

 

I think you have a lot of work to do on you before you can have a relationship again. Am I right?

[Ms. Joolie]

I think you have a lot of work to do on you before you can have a relationship again. Am I right?

 

Well, the problem that I am becoming aware of is that I need to STOP focusing on ME. For so long I've been about the diet, about the weight, about the exercise, about the looking good.....

 

In my case, I actually NEED to focus on things outside myself. Currently, I am doing that by taking a lot of classes. Yoga classes, Landmark Education classes, classes to further my career, even Kabbalah classes!

 

But my goal is to focus on relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about finding a place for me in this world where I can contribute some good.

 

I have a lot of energy, a lot energy that I turn against me through this eating disorder. I need to find good outlets for that energy.

 

So when it comes to romantic relationships..... I'm so not thinking about having one right now. It would be good for me, though. I'm coming to a point where I could have a relationship, I think. I'm just a little scared of that intimacy is all. That getting to know ME... that partnership. But I do want it.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't yank his chain... but I'll respond to him.

That, is tantamount to yanking his chain. Just like going out with him but keeping him at arm's length, was yanking his chain....

 

I've always responded to him, this this loving feeling for him. And it's gotten me nowhere.

 

precisely why it has to stop - outright - now.

 

But I haven't called him in weeks. Refuse to see him. We're down to email only.

And this too, must come to a close....

 

And this time...... This time I think he'll stop. And my ego hurts. Because he's going to stop. I think it's an ego thing now.... not love anymore.

 

Good, I think you are right. I think that's exactly what it is. All the more reason to see that - if it's not love (by your own admission) then it's ego - and yanking his chain... you see?

" 'Denial' ain't a river in Egypt, honey......."

 

So you see then, that it HAS to STOP.....

 

I did love him, or want to love him, but I had little love to give as I was struggling to get a hold of myself. I thought I loved him. I DO care for him. But it never has worked, and seems like it never will.

Not whilst we play the fantastic creature Dr Doolittle found,..... (pushmipulyoo)

 

We have no future together is what it seems. Is what we are facing. Is the reason we see BOTH see further contact as pointless.

 

So if it's pointless, ego-based tugging with no future -

you must, for your sanity, and his, finish all contact and stop.

 

Truly.

[Fluffsticle]

Did you ever think about volunteering?

 

I have done some and it just makes you feel so good as a person. Even some local volunteering?

 

I ment to maybe focus more on you, and what you want to do, like tha classes. Keep yourself busier to avoid thinking about your ex.

 

You are doing well. Try not to be so hard n yourself :-)

[Ms. Joolie]

 

So if it's pointless, ego-based tugging with no future -

you must, for your sanity, and his, finish all contact and stop.

 

Truly.

 

 

You are right. That's what it is. Yes! I love it! I feel like singing! I feel like my heart is no longer in it, only my ego! Like it's a game even! (hehe)

 

But I don't feel hurt right now, far from it. No more hurt! No more pointless, ego-based tugging with no future! It's over.

 

RIP, stupid relationship, RIP.

[Ms. Joolie]

Did you ever think about volunteering?

 

I have done some and it just makes you feel so good as a person. Even some local volunteering?

 

I ment to maybe focus more on you, and what you want to do, like tha classes. Keep yourself busier to avoid thinking about your ex.

 

You are doing well. Try not to be so hard n yourself :-)

 

Volunteering is exactly what I need to do. I am a little selfish right now.... taking all these classes for me. All my time is used up for work and classes and basic living things. (like shopping)

 

But, yes, good reminder. I need to look into the volunteering opportunities here in Houston/Houston area.... I'm sure there are plenty. duh

[Ms. Joolie]

TaraMaiden, thank you for hammering this out with me. Your help was the final touch.

 

I really do feel better now.

 

 

I know I didn't do it the old NC way, and I have to intention of using that method with him. He can't be ignored, I won't ignore him because I do love him.* But I have a new view of the ENTIRE relationship. So IF he comes back, we can talk, really talk, really discuss things. (In a friendly way! He may not even be interested! haha... just preparing myself for the "what ifs" I guess.)

 

It's possible he will come back.

 

Yesterday I attended a new seminar by Landmark.... something HE introduced me to.... something that was introduced to him through his dad.

 

Well, lo and behold, his dad was there and will be there for all 10 sessions of this seminar that extends to March.

 

So there is a possibility that NC won't work for me. However, as I said, I am over with the past relationship... or rather over the relationship that wasn't.

 

 

*Should add: I love him as a person... not even romantically anymore. Amazing! So I'll care for him IF that opportunity arises, but that is all, and that is all I feel for him at present. He has after all been a big part of my life, with me through out my eating disorder recovery and stuff. No one was in the wrong I think in our relationship... it just didn't work.

Edited November 5, 2009 by Ms. Joolie