broknhearted Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I'm just sitting here this morning... bored outta my mind, lol. Hoping to gain more insight. Started pondering.... I've been with my MM for almost 3 years now. I was wondering how long some of you have been with your MM? I'm relatively young, 36. my MM is considerably younger than me and has only been married for 4 years. so, 3 of those 4 years he's kept me on the side. Is this something that he will just drag out forever or until i make a choice for him? It's taken me 3 years but now i'm finally getting tired of coming in second best, i've been tired of it all along but i guess it took a long time for reality to hit me. maybe he feels the same because im married too, i just don't know. i've got a lot more to lose than he does and i would be willing if he was. All the stories here sound so much like mine. i keep telling myself i don't deserve this but i have a hard time letting him go. does it ever work to just remain friends? He says he "loves me, but we are both married but aside from that need to be responsible to our kids (although his are step-kids, has none of his own) and its not just sex to him." In that statement, the only thing i got out of it was... excuses. he loves me but not enough to leave. I'm slowly hardening my heart against him because i have to. thats the only way i will eventually be able to totally let go and get on with my life. after all, whats the point to all this when he has no intention of leaving? None.
Lizzie60 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 so, basically, he started with you only about a year after his M... it's been almost 3 years now... humm.. he probably won't leave his W... if you leave him.. he will get someone else.. the majority of MMs never get as attached to their OW as the OW get attached to them.. In my case, it ranges from almost 7 years to 4 years... I keep them for a looong time.. because I don't want them to leave their W... ;)
Author broknhearted Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 yeah, i figured he will never leave. he's young, good looking and i feel if he can get away with it he will. and... i do think if i ended it he would probably just find another OW.
skylarblue Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I was wondering how long some of you have been with your MM? Five years. One-third of his M.
fooled once Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I'm just sitting here this morning... bored outta my mind, lol. Hoping to gain more insight. Started pondering.... I've been with my MM for almost 3 years now. I was wondering how long some of you have been with your MM? I'm relatively young, 36. my MM is considerably younger than me and has only been married for 4 years. so, 3 of those 4 years he's kept me on the side. Is this something that he will just drag out forever or until i make a choice for him? It's taken me 3 years but now i'm finally getting tired of coming in second best, i've been tired of it all along but i guess it took a long time for reality to hit me. maybe he feels the same because im married too, i just don't know. i've got a lot more to lose than he does and i would be willing if he was. All the stories here sound so much like mine. i keep telling myself i don't deserve this but i have a hard time letting him go. does it ever work to just remain friends? He says he "loves me, but we are both married but aside from that need to be responsible to our kids (although his are step-kids, has none of his own) and its not just sex to him." In that statement, the only thing i got out of it was... excuses. he loves me but not enough to leave. I'm slowly hardening my heart against him because i have to. thats the only way i will eventually be able to totally let go and get on with my life. after all, whats the point to all this when he has no intention of leaving? None. When you started sleeping with him, what did you intend to happen? Just to have sex outside your marriage? What was your intention? Why do you think he would leave his marriage? And how much longer are you going to have an affair? I am guessing your marriage is not important to you since you are willing to forgo it for this guy if he would divorce his wife.
Fallen Angel Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 About 3 years now I guess, first with the EA for over a year before it went PA not quite two years ago.. but we had known each other for 8 years before we started the EA. He has been married for 24 years.
HisSweetThing Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 We've known each other for 12 years. Our affair started exactly one year ago.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 For those of you in long term affairs, how does the BS not know about you? where do you and he find the time to be together....? WIth cell phones, cameras etc are you not worried to get caught? I cant imagine being the H or W in a marriage and not knowing my spouse was having a long term affair...I am not judging anyone at all..I just wonder how spouses are so secretive..for years aft years and never get caught or seen out with the A person. Head scratcher for me
Confused4Now Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 For me going on 4 years with my MW....I was married 21 years...in the affair for 2 years and got divorced. Also with about 4 months of NC in there too...
skylarblue Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Originally Posted by learnfrommymistakes For those of you in long term affairs, how does the BS not know about you? where do you and he find the time to be together....? WIth cell phones, cameras etc are you not worried to get caught? I cant imagine being the H or W in a marriage and not knowing my spouse was having a long term affair...I am not judging anyone at all..I just wonder how spouses are so secretive..for years aft years and never get caught or seen out with the A person. My MM’s W doesn’t “know” about me, but she suspects I’m there and questions him about it. I know for at least 3 of the 5yrs she’s been suspicious, but he’s always denied I exist. How do we see each other? I’ll visit him at work or he’ll come see me after work. If his W is out with the kids or over-night, we’ll get together. Sometimes he’ll make up an excuse to leave the house and we’ll spend whatever time that’ll allow us. I don’t think he’s worried about her finding out. He’s way too confident about getting away with it for so long. They get into arguments about it at times including one where she threatened him with divorce for a week before she calmed down. I wonder if in her heart she knows (there’s been enough signs/evidence), but decides to “trust” her H or if she really believes it when he tells her she’s wrong.
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 For those of you in long term affairs, how does the BS not know about you? where do you and he find the time to be together....? WIth cell phones, cameras etc are you not worried to get caught? I cant imagine being the H or W in a marriage and not knowing my spouse was having a long term affair...I am not judging anyone at all..I just wonder how spouses are so secretive..for years aft years and never get caught or seen out with the A person. Head scratcher for me Being careful not to get caught... if they are caught.. it's their own fault.. they need to be extremely cautious.. that's their responsibilities not mine.. Time together: mostly when he's 'at work'.. 'playing golf' ... out to 'run errands' .... 'out with the boys'... Some men (a lot in fact) NEVER get caught.. because, unless the W hire a PI.. there is no way she can find out.. and that is understood that the OW is discreet..
Lucky_One Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 i've got a lot more to lose than he does What more do you have to lose than he does?
Author broknhearted Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 What more do you have to lose than he does? well, a home, financial security, my kids. i don't want to be a part time mom. i know his are only step kids and i understand he's attached to them but.... i dont know if its the same as being blood related? In my mind its not. i guess he has an emotional attachment to them, especially the youngest.
Lucky_One Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 So....basically.....you said, "i would be willing if he was." In other words, you will stay married, unhappily and unfulfilled, because you don't want to struggle on one income OR you would leave your spouse if you knew you had another income to help you get along? Do you honestly believe that a woman's attachment to her children is greater than a man's (bio-kids or not)? Do you honestly believe that it should be no big deal for a man to leave his family, half his retirement, half of his "stuff" - when you won't do the same thing yourself?
MizFit Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 6 months last week...about 4 months longer than I'd imagined I'd let myself hang around for!
Author broknhearted Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 So....basically.....you said, "i would be willing if he was." In other words, you will stay married, unhappily and unfulfilled, because you don't want to struggle on one income OR you would leave your spouse if you knew you had another income to help you get along? Do you honestly believe that a woman's attachment to her children is greater than a man's (bio-kids or not)? Do you honestly believe that it should be no big deal for a man to leave his family, half his retirement, half of his "stuff" - when you won't do the same thing yourself? No, i know its a big deal for him too, i do understand. not so much financially because he's the sole income, but the emotional attachment to his step kids. and NO, its not so much about income, i mean, dont get me wrong that does help but I could make it alone just fine. I was just upset hearing from him that he has no intention of leaving and was venting. I've been holding out hope that he loved me enough to at least toss me a bone... like... not right now, lets wait till the kids are older, etc... i guess i can at least give him some kudos for being honest with me. i'm scared to make a move regarding my marriage. change is always scarey and no one likes it. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. do i think its right being unhappy in my marriage. no, i don't. it's not fair to either one of us, me or my H. I keep holding out hope that things will change in my M. We have been together a real long time, i'm not 100% sure i want to throw that away for someone thats maybe not even worth it. i've been struggling with this for a very long time now. i guess only time will tell. eventually something will have to give.
Author broknhearted Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 When you started sleeping with him, what did you intend to happen? Just to have sex outside your marriage? What was your intention? Why do you think he would leave his marriage? And how much longer are you going to have an affair? I am guessing your marriage is not important to you since you are willing to forgo it for this guy if he would divorce his wife. honestly, i dont know what i was thinking... other than i wasn't. i was very attracted to him and him to me. it just started out as sex. he told me stories of how awful his homelife was... no sex, mean wife, the list could go on and on. i believed him at first... felt sorry for him. now, i think thats what they all say to get in your pants. i was niave to believe that if its that bad, surely he wont stay with her forever, so i thought he would eventually leave. now years later.... its the same old same old. i mean, seriously, if a marriage is that bad, why wouldn't you leave right?? simple answer, you wouldn't. we had a conversation a week ago and he said he's content with his lot in life. that kinda hurt my feelings, i couldn't believe he'd say that to me knowing im not. i just thought, yeah i bet u are... i don't know how long this will last. i've fallen in love with him even though i know its wrong and will always cherish the good times we had, he will always hold a special place in my heart. i dont know whats gonna happen next. if its up to him, he will string me along for the rest of my life if i let him. so there i am... in much the same boat as almost everyone else, except the ones that are strong enough to walk away.
MizFit Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 6 months last week...about 4 months longer than I'd imagined I'd let myself hang around for! Oddly enough, hours after I posted this he was caught and it ended being the end for us. It was official on the 11th, but how strange!
hopeless4u Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 2 yrs on Dec 7th and and as Mizfit I never imagined I could put up with the heartache this long but we do for some reason even though we know we need to end it! Each time we've done NC its the little things we both miss, the catching up at the end of each day, how his kids(both adults now) are getting on, him teaching my son(17) to drive and that empty feeling inside like something has been torn out from inside.
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