unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Hello my friends You may or may not remember me. I posted a few months back needing help ending my affair. I ended it but then I am ashamed to admit relapsed and and am now back to Square One. We have now been in the affair two years and I am aware my life is passing me by as I am in a constant state of anguish, pain and longing. I can't live like this anymore. I need to get out. He talks about the future and how he is so unhappy at home but stays for the child but it's all just become words to me now, I can't even think about the future and what may or may not happen. The here and now is what matters and it's destroying me. What I need help with is ending it. How do I do it? I have tried face to face endings but ended up crumbling when he got upset, same over the phone...so as cold as it sounds I know it will have to be on email stating the end of the relationship and my wish for NC followed by immediate closure of my email account as any reaction or contact from him will immediately draw me back in (pathetic I know). Loveshackians, after a twelve year friendship and a two year affair - do you think it's cold and heartless for me to just end it like that on email and not give him chance to respond? It is the only way it will work for me but not sure it's too cruel?? I am terrified, I am hopelessly in love with this man and the thought of not having him in my life destroys me...but this is destroying me, I am physically and mentally going down the drain and have to get out. So, can I just end it on email or do I need to show him some respect and do it face to face? And, can you give me some tips on staying strong once I have ended it? I have also thought about going LC and seeing if that would help me 'ease' into NC but not sure what your thoughts are. NC seems so drastic. Sorry if this is rambling and hard to follow, it's just the way my head is at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated THANK YOU
Malenfant Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 i'm assuming he is the OM. I'm quite new here and dont know the full story, so forgive my questions. You've not mentioned your marriage/LTR and why you want to hold onto that. Whats the situation with your H/Partner? if this OM means so much to you have you considered leaving for him? or are you the OW? which obviously would mean a whole load of different questions.
wheelwright Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I am sorry you are in such a painful place. For me NC was imposed by xMM, so I didn't face this choice, and would have chosen LC which steadily increased. However, two years down the road I may have had to re-think. If he gets upset when you try to finish for your own good, then he is playing on your heartstrings. Try to make him see that he has to let you go if he cares for you at all. I can't imagine anyone putting it better than Fallen Angel did in her thread Dear Him. I don't think it's cruel to do the email thing if it's the only way and you explain why that is. However, if you don't have the strength to go through with it when face to face, then perhaps you will weaken after an email. I guess you need to find the strength, which must be so hard. Perhaps you can draw strength from the many posters who have said that insisting on NC and sticking to it can force a choice. And then MM can either get on with his M or leave if it makes him unhappy. It really sounds like you don't want to carry on as OW. I wish you luck.
Author unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 I am not married. I am the OW and determined not be anymore.
torranceshipman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Hi there, No, it is not cold to end it in an email and go NC. What He is doing to YOU (and his W) is extremely cruel - lying to you about how he is going to leave, stringing you along, hurting you, being manipulative when you try to leave for your own good...all so he can meet his own selfish needs. I think ending it yourself will help you with feeling more pride and self respect and some freedom in ending it (no more wondering: will he, won he, and putting your entire happiness in the control and hands of someone else who, by the way, is crushing you). What you need to understand is this: you are lonely and your self esteem is battered - you've chosen to center your entire happiness around this one person and you're obsessing over him - these feelings contribute hugely to your feelings that 'i totally love this man and can't live without him'. What you are really feeling is loneliness, not real love for this man. Real love is reciprocated in a way that makes you feel so happy, loved and content and comes with respect (he doesn't give you any of this). What might help is to a) be resolute about your decision and NEVER crumble no matter what he tries to say and do (and try to cut him out of your life too) b) see this for what it really is - an A with a MM who is NEVER prepared to leave his W and has thus lied to you repeatedly and c) have a strategy to fill your time with new hobbies, a rebound fling, anything.... Good luck to you! You will be happy and meet an amazing man in your future, who is single and loves you and wants to tell the world about it - but you'll only meet this special person if you lose this idio MM that is dragging you down now.
1Angel Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It's so obvious from the emotion of your post that you are in pain. You wonder if it would be cruel to break it off by email. Ask yourself if you want to value yourself or continue to value him more than you. You say you want out then do it for you and whatever he feels he will have to deal with. It won't be your problem anymore. You are #1 and it HAS to be all about you. Don't forget it. The other replies had some great suggestions for occupying your time while you recover. Hang in there. It might seem like you will never be happy again but promise that you will one day.
jwi71 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 You may or may not remember me. I do. We have now been in the affair two years and I am aware my life is passing me by as I am in a constant state of anguish, pain and longing. I can't live like this anymore. I need to get out. He talks about the future and how he is so unhappy at home but stays for the child but it's all just become words to me now, I can't even think about the future and what may or may not happen. The here and now is what matters and it's destroying me. So unhappy at home he got his W pregnant right? So unhappy at home they went on vacation together right? Remember that? LIES. He isn't unhappy at home. He's PERFECTLY happy. He's NOT leaving. He doesn't want an D, he wants an A. My advice to you has NOT changed...cold turkey NC. And, I know you think otherwise, but lean on your friends and family. Tell them. Enlist THEIR support. What I need help with is ending it. How do I do it? I have tried face to face endings but ended up crumbling when he got upset, same over the phone...so as cold as it sounds I know it will have to be on email stating the end of the relationship and my wish for NC followed by immediate closure of my email account as any reaction or contact from him will immediately draw me back in (pathetic I know).Then you haven't cried enough. You haven't been lied to enough. YOu are SO invested in him. You can't see the true him...you substitute the image your heart has painted. Buts its a mirage. Just read my opening bit...unhappy at home but gets the W pregnant. Goes on vacation with her. It doesn't up. What is more likely the case: The words he tells you are lies or The actions towards his W are lies Loveshackians, after a twelve year friendship and a two year affair - do you think it's cold and heartless for me to just end it like that on email and not give him chance to respond? It is the only way it will work for me but not sure it's too cruel??Respond? Why? What new lie do you need to hear this time? OR maybe the same ol' tried and true lies will suffice? Are you sure you're ready to leave? Ready to stop being his mistress? I'm not sure you are. I am terrified, I am hopelessly in love with this man and the thought of not having him in my life destroys me...but this is destroying me, I am physically and mentally going down the drain and have to get out.GEL has one of the BEST lines ever here. I love it. I'll use it again here: You lived before w/o him...you can do so again now. So, can I just end it on email or do I need to show him some respect and do it face to face? Respect? Are you kidding me? Respect is bidirectional. And he doesn't respect you at all. Just look at his actions. And, can you give me some tips on staying strong once I have ended it? Nope. You gotta want it bad enough. But you aren't there yet. The rest of your post is all about hanging on. I think you really want to say you are hurt to him. That you want to get some control back over your life. You want to be treated like an equal partner. Well...that just isn't the case for the OW. Can't be. Sorry, its the nature of the beast (in the vast majority of cases). You stay or you go. There is no halfway, you can't half jump (nor unjump once you have leaped). For each try ensures the OM of your place. And each attempt is HARDER than the next... Choose.
Author unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thanks for the replies guys, I have read and re-read them over and over. jwi71 yes of course I remember his wife getting pregnant - how could I not?? She subsequently lost the baby. I remember the vacation he took - how could I not?? Please remember why I posted this thread. I want out of the affair as I know he ain't leaving. I don't want this anymore. This is about me now - not him. You are wrong, I do not want to be his mistress anymore, hence the post. I was just being totally honest about how I feel and I do love him and long for him and will struggle with NC etc but that's my heart talking. My head knows I have been treat like sh*t and I know I deserve better. Hence the post. I am so ashamed of how pathetic I am. I am 'together' in all areas of my life, my career, finances, family and friends, appearance, health etc. But this relationship has wiped out all the integrity and strength I had and I am here worrying about how he will feel when I end it? It doesn't make sense I know. Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate them and have gained strength from them. It's so over now. I hate who I have become, I want the old me back.
2sure Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 From you Aug 5 post: Just found out XMM's wife is four months pregnant so it seems I ended things just in time. We had an affair for a year and a half. I loved him, still do, will always. I ended it as it was too hard being second best with no future in sight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. So it's true, when they say they aren't sleeping with the wife they LIE!!!!! He told me they had only done it twice in three years. LIE!!!! He didn't find her attractive whatsoever. LIE!!!!! To remain married to her would mean a sexless marriage. LIE!!!! Originally you said he had to stay because their child was disabled. So, now his wife is about seven months pregnant with his second child. I think its time you change your perspective and I think that in doing so it will make it that much easier for you to leave this part of your life behind you. YOU are no longer the deceived victim here. You are participating in the drama and betrayal that is another woman's and now 2 children's lives. Stop it. Saying you cannot help it is nonsense. It hurts, its hard, but it can be helped.
confusedinkansas Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I am not married. I am the OW and determined not be anymore. I would guess THAT right there is the reason why it's so difficult. If you were married, you'd have your husband to go back to. Since you're not - you would have nothing if you didn't have this OM. (Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's not meant to be - you may very well have a boyfriend too - I just know how I would feel if I were in this situation- Alone. ) It is very difficult on either end of that deal, but having someone to fall back on, someone to just be there - I don't know if I could have gone NC (break up) with my MM if I wasn't already married. He was a great guy & 'at the time' I could have seen us together. If you REALLY in your heart of hearts want to "Break Up" with this MM....Just do it - either by email, or face to face & then don't answer your phone, don't answer emails, Doing so will make it even more difficult the next time you want to go NC. This is why many here insist that you change your phone number, email, or block the AP. And, don't be tempted to initiate phone calls or emails either........yes, easier said than done - but if you really want to YOU CAN.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Only you can control yourself. You need to do what must be done. If you want out, get out! no one is holding a gun to your head!
Author unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) His eldest child is severely disabled with Cerebral Palsy...he says this is why he struggles ending the marriage, his and his wife's lives revolve around the child and he can't get his head around how she would manage on her own and how he can walk away from all that responsibility. However he obviously doesn't struggle leaving enough to sleep with his wife and yes she got pregnant but lost the baby when she was five months pregnant. Yes he lied about his 'loveless lonely' marriage of convenience. Yes he wanted a bit on the side. No he probably never loved me. Every kiss, every conversation, every letter he wrote me, everything was a lie and I am an idiot. But not anymore. I am not living like this another day. I would rather be alone than as lonely as I feel in this ridiculous relationship. Thanks Guys. You have given me strength. Doing the email now. Edited November 4, 2009 by unhappylady
torranceshipman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Oh My God. The MM essentially uses his child's cerebral palsy as a reason to have an A? Seriously? That is about as low as a person can go. Sorry, but I am really disgusted by that - especially on top of the fact that he got his W pregnant while having an A with you and then had no problem continuing to cheat on his pregnant W. Seriously, he is pondscum. You seriously have feelings for a guy like this? Maybe different things rankle different people but...using his kids cerebral palsy as an excuse to be a lying cheater totally disgusts me. What a t*sser... Edited November 4, 2009 by torranceshipman Minor typo
Author unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 It never once felt like he had an affair because the child had cerebral palsy - it was about the relationship between his wife and him. The reasons for leaving or not leaving had EVERYTHING to do with the child. But again I am only going by what he told me - and he was a liar so you are right, PONDSCUM!
torranceshipman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 He did act the martyr though, by the sounds of it....inferring that the fact that he has a disabled child made it impossible to leave...so in that sense he is using the child...not right!
Author unhappylady Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 He did do the martyr bit and I fell for it. Not anymore. I have sent the email. Am done. Time to heal.
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