tb1984 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I desperately need some advice. There’s a few facts that may or may not be relevant. So please bare with me while a explain. I’m in the middle of a long distance relationship. We live in separate ends of the country & see each other every 3 weeks or so. After a year of doing this it’s time to make a decision on wither to move in together or not. I need to stay where I am because of my daughter & she can’t afford to live by herself. For me this is a really big step that I’m not sure I’m ready for it but at the same time we can’t continue the way it is. She’s willing to take the chance, but I’m not so sure it’s a good idea. One of my biggest issues is that I feel there’s a huge imbalance in our relationship. She’s in love with me a LOT more then I am with her. We’ve talked about this several times but she doesn’t seem that concerned about it. I’ve tried making a list of the pros & cons: and on paper you would think we were good for each other. We both love sports, she’s funny & makes me laugh, we have some of the same dreams for the future, the sex is amazing…. However there’s 2 big cons (as lease for me) (1) I’m an actor & I’ve always pictured myself with someone who was an artist of some kind. While she really does try (& I’m grateful for it) she doesn’t really get “it”. (2) this goes back to the imbalance – but I’ve never really had an “oh my god I can’t believe I’m with this person” moment with her. Granted I’ve only had one of those once or twice, but I desperately want to feel that way again & I just don’t with her. Other things to note is that I’m 39 & divorced (she’s the same age & divorced as well). I like being in a relationship – deep down I really am a relationship guy! The idea of being single again scares be a bit, not to mention that I’m 39 & not getting any younger, which could lean both ways. Most of all I really don’t want to lose my friend. She’s been an amazing friend to me over the last year & I don’t want to lose that. (believe me I’m NOT the easiest person to deal with at times). I just wish I felt those butterflies for her. Is that crazy or stupid? Am I looking for something that I may never find? Should I just suck it up & try to live with her because I’m too afraid I may spend the rest of my life alone? Does anyone have some advice please??? T
TaraMaiden Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Yes. Don't move. You're going to have to come clean.... I get where you are coming from, because Artistic types are also Romantic types. If you don't love her as much as she loves you - you never will. She doesn't fit the bill, because you're in love with the idea of being in love. She fits in a gap, but she doesn't fill it...... You're either going to have to reconcile yourself to waiting and hoping for that kind of love, for a bit longer, or being alone. It's tough, but half-measures don't sit well with Artistic types....It's all, or nothing... Trust me. I know.
Author tb1984 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 LOL - you sound like an artistic type! I also know all about "all or nothing". It's gotten be in quite a bit of trouble in the past! I guess I'm also afraid that I may never find it. The idea of never finding that "everything" is a scary thought....
TaraMaiden Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 LOL - you sound like an artistic type! That's precisely why I said, "Trust me - I know". I also know all about "all or nothing". It's gotten be in quite a bit of trouble in the past! I guess I'm also afraid that I may never find it. The idea of never finding that "everything" is a scary thought.... We all crave love, we all fear being alone. But being alone doesn't mean being lonely. You have to come to terms with your own persona. Your wants, desires, expectations, aversions, acceptances, denials, prejudices, hates, preferences, likes, dislikes.... and know that they're all a composite of how you present yourself to others. Remember, Actors are liars. That is, they are accomplished masters at conveying make-believe. But too often, they end up lying to themselves too.... Until you are comfortable in your own skin, and you are confident that what people see, is what they get - and you're happy with what they'll get - Life will always be a script to learn, and a part to play. You're acting in love with this woman. Deal with you, find your core, and love a person honestly. Then, you'll get the kind of love you crave, back.
TMichaels Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Excellent reply and insight, TaraMaiden! tb1984, one other piece of advice for you... Stop leading this woman on by having sex with her. No matter how much you or she may want to deny it, I guarantee you, that level of intimacy is muddying the waters between the two of you and contributing to her level of "affection" for you. Best, TMichaels
VeveCakes Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I kind of feel sorry for this woman. The fact you had to list the pros and cons of her makes it obvious you shouldn't be together. Let her go and let her be with someone who WILL think they are the luckiest person on earth to be with her.
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