crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Long time, no visit. Got a question you all. Sorry for the length. I'm not good at brevity. I was dating this guy for about 2 months. He's my neighbor and for the first few weeks, we'd go out and do things last minute like go to the beach, etc. But he'd never asked me out on a formal date ahead of time. So, I asked him if he would, and he did. Except on the day of the date, he didn't have anything planned. We ended up driving randomly and stopping at a couple spots where nothing was happening. That was kind of disappointing, since I was hoping he'd have been excited enough to plan something. But I figure maybe he thinks spontaneity is exciting. Then he drove a ridiculously long distance without telling me where we were going. We ended up at a casino. That was *really* disappointing seeing as I don't gamble and I'm allergic to cigarette smoke (which casinos are full of). He knew both of these things and had previously told me he doesn't like gambling either. I went into the casino since I liked him a lot, we'd come all that way, and I didn't know what else was around to do. I figured I'd at least give him some credit for trying to surprise me, so we played 3 rounds at a slot machine. We won a few bucks and decided to leave. I thought it was an ok time over all. Fast forward a few weeks and he's not seeming as interested in me as before. I ask him about it, and he tells me that he thinks I don't like the same things he does, and that maybe I'm a negative person. He cites the fact that I didn't seem to have fun at the casino. After hearing this seemingly legitimate reasoning, I figure I should have been more happy to have been hanging out with him there. So this weekend, I decided to try not to be a downer and to stick around and try to have fun with my friends even in smokey areas. Of course, I got sick, and my friend is like, "Why didn't you tell me you were allergic? You shouldn't have been hanging out there. We could have gone somewhere without smoke." Then I realize that it was really inconsiderate of this guy to take me to a casino and expect me to be thrilled to be there when he knew beforehand that I don't like them. If that casino thing was a first date, I would have considered it a disaster and probably not wanted to see the guy again. I'm supposed to go with dude man on a friends/maybe-consider-getting-back-together or whatever trip, but now I'm not sure I want to. I've asked him if I can talk to him, because I want to get his side before I decide anything, but I'm not sure if he'll answer. Men (at least the ones I've met) love to avoid a request to talk. Another thing is I also think it's very strange that he said he didn't like casinos but then took me to one and used it as an example of me not liking things he does. That, along with some other things, makes me wonder if he just tells people what he thinks they want to hear to get them to like him, which is not an attractive quality to me. (He told me my favorite candy was his favorite. Then he told another person their favorite was his favorite. Very minor by itself, but suspicious when combined with other things.) I'm wondering what you all think. Would you want to take the trip or even bother finding out what the deal was? Is this just too much weirdness and inconsiderateness? Do you think it's worth possibly still dating that guy or would you just be done? I'm never sure when I'm being too harsh and when I'm being too lenient.
bbf Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It sounds like you like the guy as a person, it just happens that he's not a good date. I know some girls are more old fashioned and they want the guy to plan everything. If that's you, it's probably not going to work out. But you could always plan the dates yourself, or at least tell him what kinds of things you would like to do together.
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 It's not so much that he didn't plan the date. That was a bit of a disappointment, but not a big deal. The main point is that he took me to something I had already told him I didn't like (and he said he didn't like either). And he used the fact that I didn't really enjoy myself as an example of me not liking things he likes and being a negative person.
bbf Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The way I read the situation, he might have known that you weren't really into casinos, but he was feeling the pressure to make the date special and couldn't think of anywhere else. Then when he realized you were disappointed it made him feel bad. He felt like he was making a genuine effort but you didn't appreciate it. He sounds like a go with flow kind of guy, and figured you would go with the flow and make the most of it. Does that answer the point you're trying to make or am still way off?
bbf Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 To clarify I think he said he thinks you don't like the same things as he does because he's feeling too much pressure to show you a good time. He already tried once and got burned, so it's just easier to avoid the situation by saying he doesn't think you guys could do anything together that you'd both like.
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 So, wow. He actually called me. He did say that it was a stupid thing and he didn't realize we would end up at a casino. He was just driving. He didn't remember me telling him that I don't like to gamble. bbf, I think you're right based on things he's said that are similar. Maybe he's right about us not being right together, because if he can't plan things once in awhile, I don't think I'd be happy. To me, planning = effort, and it's nice to know that a guy has put some effort in. I'll still plan to go on the trip, but I don't know if we'll be anything other than friends.
Vertex Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 He doesn't come across as very interested to me. People who are interested tend to plan/take things into consideration (such as your allergy to smoke)/compliment you early on. Instead, this guy doesn't seem to have much of a plan (just kept driving until he found something to go to), wasn't considerate of your needs, and gave you excuses early on that weren't fully logical. I'd personally move on, but that's just me.
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Don't get the wrong impression. He was acting very interested until the last few weeks. He was complimenting me, sending me txts a lot, and told me he hoped I would be his girlfriend. I didn't officially agree to be his gf, because I just ended a 2 year relationship at the same time I met him. So, I didn't want to rush things even though I did want to be his gf at some point. It was only the last couple weeks he started not really calling me and acting less interested. He went from wanting me to be his gf to not sure if we were right for each other to thinking that we weren't in a little under 2 months. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that sometimes when I'd be out with him, I'd be a little sad because things reminded me of my ex. So he had a point about me not seeming completely happy when we went out. But I thought that example, which was one of only 2 he gave, was kind of bizarre and inconsiderate. Edited November 4, 2009 by crazy_grl
boogieboy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 You expect a bit of effort from him, but it seems hes not a planner. If you like his company, How bout you put some effort into planning a date for you two? Maybe you can have a better time? If you wouldnt put the effort into making a date, why should he?
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 boogieboy, you falsely assume that I've never planned a date for us. I did and paid for the tickets to the show and all. But it doesn't make a girl feel special to be always planning the dates. I don't see how someone can realistically think they can put no thought into dating a person and expect the other person to be okay putting in all the effort. I don't want to be with someone if it feels like they only go out with me if they can't find something better to do that day. If he's incapable of planning a date as both people here and he imply, he's not right for me. I want to be with someone who will plan something nice for me on special occasions, not make me plan them all myself.
torranceshipman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I think that he sounds like a bit of a dud...you need someone who makes more of an effort...
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thanks, torranceshipman. I like when people agree with me. I think we do really like each other, but we have different ideas about what people do to show that they like a person. Isn't there some book or something about the different ways people show affection? Do relationships work between people that don't use or recognize the same thing as affection? Maybe we'd both be better off with people who recognize the way we each express affection. Though I'm not sure where he's going to find a woman who doesn't ever expect a guy to plan a special evening. I'm probably as close as it gets since, aside from first dates, I'd only expect that kind of thing on anniversaries, not birthdays, valentines day, etc.
boogieboy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 boogieboy, you falsely assume that I've never planned a date for us. I did and paid for the tickets to the show and all. . Of course I assumed! You mever mentioned that you paid for ONE date. How many dates have you planned for vs how many he's planned for? He wants to feel special too... Its not all about you ykno. Maybe he doesnt know how to make plans, maybe he doesnt know where to go. Someone who hasnt had to make the effort might be lost when it comes to these things. Talk to the guy, give him a chance to know hes screwin up in your mind if you really like him. You can always ditch him, but tell him how you feel first. Sound slike you might have to teahc the guy, that is if he doesnt know what hes doing. If he does, and isnt doing it for you, then... well...
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Of course I assumed! You mever mentioned that you paid for ONE date. I never mentioned it because to me, it goes without saying and was irrelevant. Guys don't pay for all my things. If you thought it was relevant, it would be appropriate to ask, not assume. The assumption makes me wonder if you have a negative view of women and think we're all freeloaders who take men for granted. BTW, I tried to pay for a lot more dates than that. The only other one he let me pay for was because a place didn't didn't accept credit cards and he had no cash. But he stuffed the money into my pocket to pay me back later. I never told him how much that one cost, so he couldn't pay me back. How many dates have you planned for vs how many he's planned for? How many he's planned for: 0.5 - I give him half because he did take to me a restaurant that he asked people about, but after that it was like "what do we do now?". How many I've planned for: at least 1 that I can think of. If we're talking non-planned "let's go here" things, it's about even. And I asked him to take a trip with me that I would plan. He wants to feel special too... Its not all about you ykno. Maybe he doesnt know how to make plans, maybe he doesnt know where to go. Someone who hasnt had to make the effort might be lost when it comes to these things. Talk to the guy, give him a chance to know hes screwin up in your mind if you really like him. You can always ditch him, but tell him how you feel first. Sound slike you might have to teahc the guy, that is if he doesnt know what hes doing. If he does, and isnt doing it for you, then... well... You seem to be missing one thing. You're talking like I never gave him a chance. HE is the one who told ME he doesn't think we're right for each other AFTER I attempted to talk to him about why he no longer seemed very interested. If he felt the way you say he did, he was free to say so at the time I asked for his input. He didn't tell me he thought I should put in more effort. He essentially did what you're telling me not to do. He decided I didn't like him and didn't ask me about it or give me the chance to do things right. It was my idea to still take the trip later this month to see if maybe there really is something there or not. Your claim that I haven't put in any effort is completely wrong. After considering the things he said during the discussion, I'm just thinking that maybe he was right. Maybe we're not a good match. Like I said, I think we both have different styles of showing affection, and I'm not sure if a relationship can work like that. I'd be willing to try if the other person was, but I'm not really sure he's leaving that option. I've put in a lot of effort, but you're talking like I haven't. I appreciate that you took the time to offer your input, but I think you're ignoring the facts of the matter and making it personal to your own experiences with women who haven't tried. Edited November 4, 2009 by crazy_grl
Author crazy_grl Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Oh, and that doesn't count the dinner I cooked for him. Or the brownies I made for him and his family. Or the wine I gave to his family. Or when I tried to bring him medicine when he was sick, but he wouldn't let me and insisted he go get it himself... Edited November 4, 2009 by crazy_grl
bbf Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 There's no rule that says you have to plan equal amounts of dates. Some guys have no problem planning dates and if you're willing to hold out for one of those guys, well why not? If you really wanted to make it work you could sit him down and make it really clear what you need in a relationship. But for only 2 months it's not like you have that much invested, and from your posts it doesn't seem like you're that attracted to him anyway.
boogieboy Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I've put in a lot of effort, but you're talking like I haven't. I appreciate that you took the time to offer your input, but I think you're ignoring the facts of the matter and making it personal to your own experiences with women who haven't tried. I played devils advocate by wondering how much effort you actually put in, not ignoring the facts, but it just turns out he isnt into you, no big deal. Youre assuming Im making it personal from my experiences, but no, Im not. My Experience is not to hang onto someone whos actions dictate that they arent into me.
Author crazy_grl Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) Youre assuming Im making it personal from my experiences, but no, Im not. My Experience is not to hang onto someone whos actions dictate that they arent into me. I'm not sure if that was meant as a dig at me, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. As I've said before, I do think he really liked me. And I really liked him. I just think our methods of expressing that and recognizing it are too different. It's not about either of us not being "into" the other. It's more about each of us not recognizing that the other is into us. He lost interest when he didn't see the things he recognizes as interest from me (though I was interested and showing it in my way. He's more of a verbal person, so me doing all those things for him didn't register as much as me just praising him on his restaurant choice, etc. I'm not very verbal.). As a result of his unwillingness to work around those things, I've lost interest. Thanks to everyone who posted. I've decided to how to proceed from here. Edited November 5, 2009 by crazy_grl
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